Sunday, November 01, 2009

The Unavoidable Truth

So last night I was with my fiance heading out for dinner when we saw a group of people in costumes walking down the street.  I wish I could say that it was to be expected due to the Halloween holiday, but sadly, it was to be expected because that's what people in downtown Chicago do.  Every day I go to work, I see people dressed up as "business men/women" and "students" and "homeless people."  It's fun for the first few months, but after awhile, you think to yourself, give it up!  Especially all those homeless people.  They lay it on thick.  Always asking for change for food/bus fair/clothes/investing.  I get it guys.  Nice costume, but leave me alone, I have to go tend to a blind lady.

Last night was different though, there was a lot more variety.  I will attribute that to Halloween.  Most of it was pretty standard fare, girls dressed as nuns/various-other-uptight-prudish-women, guys dressed up as women dressed as women who don't know how to dress like women because they're really men.  The usual.  But then there was Death.  Normally Death is a standard outfit, but this guy took it a step further.  He was on stilts.  This made him approximately 10 feet tall.  Awesome.  Or so I thought.

Sure, a 10 foot tall Death costume is great, but really, where are you going with this thing?  Outside works out well, but as soon as you get to your destination, you're screwed.  The best part of the costume is towering over everyone.  As soon as you lose that, you're just another guy in a Death costume, only you're tripping over your pants because they're way too long.  Then there's the stilts.  What are you going to do with these?  You can't just leave them in the corner, they'll get stolen.  I know that because I was looking into stilts a few years ago as an alternate means of transportation (I figured if I got long enough stilts, I could cut my work commute down to three steps*.  Who wouldn't want their commute to work to be three steps?!?!?) but I stopped looking when I saw the cost of insurance would be five times more than owning a private moonship used only for recreation and the occasional escape from interplanetary apocalyptic collapses.  The theft rate is nearly 95%.  It's almost impossible to hold onto stilts.  They're difficult to store and a giant pain in the butt to carry around.  You ever see anyone carrying around their stilts while not using them?  Exactly.

* I saw this ad in the paper a few years ago.  Looking back on it now, I don't know why the poor craftsmanship of the ad didn't tip me off to the "too good to be true-ness" of it.


omar said...

Being from SoCal, I figured you'd be pretty accustomed to the costumes.

Perhaps Death's destination had cathedral ceilings? And really tall doors?

Syar said...

I call FAKE! on the stilts ad. But I believe in the disclaimer. Would a regular 2nd grader know the words "commute" or "stilts"? I do not have that much faith in young people.

cadiz12 said...

i, too, have seen the face of death and lived to tell about it. dude was TALL.

Anonymous said...

Three steps or less? I'm intrigued. Perfect for a lazy person like myself. I mean really, it clearly says, "They Work!!" Can't get much more legitimate than that, folks!

On the other hand, I think I might wait until a reliable anti-stilttheft system is developed.

Jon said...

Omar: I am accustomed to costumes. That's all I have to say about that.

His destination most likely did not have tall doors and in the time it took for him to get through the doors, his stilts were stolen. That's just how it is.

Syar: Obviously you're better at spotting questionable advertising than I am. I was clearly overwhelmed by the idea of a 3 step commute. I won't apologize for this.

Cadiz: I felt like he was going to bump his head on the El tracks he was walking under. The fall would have killed him for sure... anyone? anyone?

Cofo: I know, right? 3 steps is the perfect sales pitch. Any more and people think they might as well keep doing what they're doing. Any less and it would seem too good to be true.

Anti-stilttheft technology is a booming business right now. Think about that for when you're done with college.