Sunday, February 15, 2009

My economic stimulus plan

I think we've all heard about the economic stimulus plan by now.  It's a lot of money, there's no question about that.  From what I can tell, most people feel like they are giving away their future money to people that are already rich without having anything to show for it.  Well, I have a solution.  T-Shirts*.  I propose that the US Government purchase the following t-shirts to send out to all tax paying citizens.

For as little as 1.6 billion dollars, the US Government can purchase enough shirts for all of the country's tax payers.  Considering the numbers they've been throwing around, that's really not too much to ask, a drop in the bucket really.  Plus, now everyone feels like they're really getting something out of this whole "stimulus" package.  What better way to remember this gigantic economic catastrophe than with a t-shirt?  Years from now we'll all be wearing them with pride as we mow each others lawns for extra cash.

If it ended right there, I think we can all agree that would be pretty sweet, but it doesn't.  I've always considered myself a big picture kind of guy.  I don't look at a puzzle one piece at a time, I look at all of the pieces at the same time, turned face down.  When you look at it that way, you realize that each piece really isn't so different.  You see where I'm going with this?  Yeah, I thought so.

When the government ponies up and buys all those shirts, I'm going to make a small profit.  I'll take the time to remind you that the title of this post is "MY economic stimulus plan."  With that in mind, not only will everyone feel better about where their tax money is going because they'll be getting a shirt, but there will be a giant ripple effect that will reach everyone.  I will make enough of a profit to quit my job.  Guess what that means?  You got it, there's going to be at least one more job opening in this tough economic climate.  You can't argue with those kinds of numbers.  Can you feel the waves?

Not only will I quit my job, but I'll start my own company where I will be hiring people to work with me.  I've already got a list of people I will be hiring and guess what?  They already have jobs right now, so when I hire them away (there will be a 1 million dollar signing bonus, they'd be crazy not to leave their other jobs), that will create even more job openings.  Multiply the number of people I hire by the number of jobs they leave and you'll find that the numbers grow exponentially.  Bigger numbers mean more jobs, am I right?  I will help make some of the biggest numbers out there by multiplying them all together!

I think I've illustrated pretty well how a small 1.6 billion dollar drop can turn into an economic tsunami if it's handled right.  Now it's time for Big G to step up and get this economy moving again by buying my shirts!

*For those of you that think I set up an online store just for this post... well... you know me too well.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Status Update:

It's time for my annual status update. There's a lot going on in this world today and I'm sure you're all wondering how it's affecting me. Please read on and cease wondering.

1. Manny Ramirez. Seriously, why has this guy not been signed by someone? Anyone? You got me.

Sure, he's got a DB for an agent and the market is tough right now, but so what? Other guys have been signing huge contracts without as much justification. (I'm looking at you Mark Teixeira...) I'm obviously biased in this whole thing, so keep that in mind. The Dodgers need to sign Manny and Manny needs to sign with the Dodgers. It's pretty simple. They both make the best fit. Manny seems happy in LA and LA is happy to have Manny. I think Ned has been pretty fair in his offers, so I'm not upset with the organization. I wouldn't want to lock into a long term, expensive contract with him either. I think the idea of guaranteed money is what's really screwing this up. I don't know much about the inner workings of baseball contracts and what not, but that's not going to stop me from thinking I have a fairly reasonable proposal. Manny gets a four year deal that looks something like this:

Year 1: 30 Million guaranteed.
Year 2: 15 Million guaranteed, 10 Million in incentives (don't ask me to break down the incentives because I really have no idea what I'm talking about.)
Year 3: 7.5 Million guaranteed, 17.5 Million in incentives.
Year 4: 7.5 Million guaranteed, 17.5 Million in incentives.

That means that he could potentially be worth 105 Million over the next 4 years if he produces. I'm sure the Dodgers would be happy to pay him that much if he produces, but let's be honest, the guy is 36 (almost 37) years old, these are not supposed to be the years that he gets better. Is he going to be worth a guaranteed 25 million at age 41? I'm guessing no.

2. Michael Phelps. I could not be more sick of hearing this guy apologize. Holy crap, a 23 year old smoked pot at a college party? What is this world coming to? Look, I get it, he's Michael Phelps, phenomenally good swimmer, arguably the worst SNL host ever. I'm just sick of everyone getting up on their soapbox and condemning him like they've never made a mistake in their lives. From what I've heard, you'd think that he was drowning kittens in the blood of unborn babies... I refuse to believe that with all the things going on in this world today, that this could even crack the top 100 for things we should care about.

3. Bud Selig. Get him out and get him out now. I don't think he's good for baseball and his recent comments regarding Alex Rodriguez are almost too much. He's "saddened" by A-Rod's steroid use? Are you kidding me? Anyone that believes he knew nothing about the steroid use in baseball is fooling themselves. I think the Selig era needs to end.

4. My Terrible Fantasy book. Yeah, it's not doing so well. Turns out writing books is hard! I thought just writing a terrible one would be easy, but even that takes work. Even when you ignore stuff like plot, character development, coherence and proper grammar, it's still difficult to write a full chapter, let alone an entire novel. I'm not quiting on this one yet, but I'll be brooding in a corner for awhile...

That about covers it for now. You probably didn't think it would be so sports heavy, but what can I say, pitchers and catchers are reporting... it's time for Dodger baseball!! Of course, Laker basketball is still keeping me quite happy as of late.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009

Gone baby gone

I carefully weighed all of the comments and thought for what seemed like a full thirty seconds (it was actually twenty nine seconds, but it really felt like thirty) before I made my decision. As you can see below, it was a compromise. I decided to keep the beard, but I also decided to make it very short. It's just under 1/2 millimeter right now. We'll see how long this lasts.

Pay no attention to my uneven ears. (which should be really hard to do now that I've called attention to them)

-- Posted From My iPhone. Zealous?

Monday, February 02, 2009

Beard Status Update

It's been awhile since I last updated everyone on the status of my beard. Judging by the heavy Internet chatter as well as my desire to post pictures of myself taken by myself on myself's iPhone, I feel obligated to post. Of course, I am posting this from my iPhone. I recall not that long ago promising that I would post more often once I obtained the object of my gadget desire. Yet another promise fulfilled by the Shuck 'N Jive!

On to the status update...

As you can see, it's been awhile since my last shave. If I'm not mistaken, the last time I shaved was some time around my birthday. That means it's been well over three months. At this point, the hair on my chin is longer than the hair on my head. This needs to change soon. It's not itchy, but it is starting to feel weird. Maybe if I could grow hair between my jaw and my head it wouldn't be so bad, but as this next picture illustrates, I have a distinct "no grow" zone.

I am physically incapable of growing sideburns. They must be painted on by a team of three special effects artist, and that ain't cheap. Consequently, I only paint on the s'burns when I'm attending an Elvis Presley charity bake-off or when I want to convince random people to purchase slacks that are a half size too small for them. Unfortunately, due to the economic downturn, I've been forced to cut back on both occasions.

I'll most likely be making some beard alterations this evening, so if there are any requests, better get them in early!! I'll be checking my comments incessantly until after Chuck this evening. I'm going to need the distraction from looking at the tv during the show tonight because it's in 3D and I was unable to procure any glasses for proper viewing. I'll probably cry about that some more later. I'm kind of a ninny like that.

Comment early and comment often!!

-- Posted From My iPhone. Jealous?