Sunday, November 08, 2009

The one where I break a lot of unspoken rules I may have made up myself.

I'm positive I'm going to get in trouble for this.  I don't care about that though, what I care about is getting the truth out there.

I know what you're thinking, you're in your late 20's and you can finally grow a mustache.  Congratulations, that's no small feat.  Every year, dozens of people walk around in shame with a naked lip.  They can't help it, their either genetically incapable of growing one, or they're not in their late 20's.  All those high school kids you see walking around with a mustache?  Fake.  The lip toupee industry is the second largest toupee industry behind wrist wigs.  Of course, all of this is common knowledge.

What I'm about to tell you now is going to get me killed.  Not "maybe" get me killed, absolutely, positively will get me killed.  Fortunately, these mustache types really take their time.  They might not get to me until I'm in my mid to late 150's.  What nobody wants you to know about when growing a mustache is that after a certain point, those mustache hairs curl back inside your mouth.  Think about that.  And while you're thinking about that, now would be a good time to look at this:


See how that picture ties in to what I was saying?  Aren't you glad you listened to me and looked at the picture?  Out of context it might not have made sense.  I didn't want that to happen, so I purposefully drew attention to it at the appropriate time.

As the picture demonstrates in amazingly accurate detail, most of the mustache hair curling inside the mouth occurs at the corners.  It's actually more annoying than you'd think.  I feel like it's my job to dispense this information to the future mustache growers of America/Finland (those are the two countries I feel would most benefit from this knowledge.).  Be prepared for this guys (and girls, I don't want to discriminate here).

Ok, now I have to go wait for my death.  See you in 120+ years Mustache Mafia!

4 comments:

Syar said...

1. You're the first result for "wrist wigs", so you must tell me how to buy some, because no knitting hipster has them for sale on Etsy, where I usually get these things.

2. NEE-NER-NEE-NER-NEE-NER, JON CAN'T DRAW NOSTRILS AND THEY LOOK WEIRD.

3. That photo and the resulting mind imagery was worst than the chapstick/frosting post!! Can't you trim your moustache? Surely there are tools for this sort of thing.

Will said...

sometimes, when my facial hair gets out of control, i suck on the edges of my mustache... you should try it before clipping...

Jon said...

Syar: That doesn't surprise me, I'm a bit of a trend setter.

Thanks for not making fun of me.

I didn't think I could top the chapstick post, but it's good to know that all records can be broken. And yeah, I could trim it, but...

Will: Oh, it's been sucked. They don't call it a flavor saver for nothing!

Cofo said...

Thank you for sacrificing your life to tell us this important information. I wonder if walruses ever run into this problem.

In other news, I'm pretty sure this is the best picture you've ever drawn. Don't listen to naysayers like Syar.