Monday, July 30, 2007

You make the call

I have always trusted the internet implicitly. It is a wise being that is capable of making important decisions. It has happened upon me once again that I must make a very important decision and I seek the guidance of the omniscient internet.

For quite some time now, I have been growing what is known as a “playoff beard.” It has been pointed out to me that none of my teams are currently in a playoff situation and therefore it is unnecessary for me to have such a beard. I have also been asked on several occasions if I am in some sort of ugly-beard growing contest. I assure you, I am not in any such contest. Unless there is money being awarded to the winner, in which case, I most certainly am in such a contest. Please pay me now.

The decision to keep or shave the beard has proven to be far too much for my mind to bear, so it is with great appreciation that I kindly request the internet to give their opinion on the topic. I’ll give you until Wednesday at midnight, pacific standard time to weigh in, then I’ll either keep or shave the beard based on the general internet consensus in the comments. I’ve got the legal team working on a fair way to assess the comments, but I won’t release the details of “The Rules” until after everyone has commented. Sure, it sounds like I might be manipulating the rules based on the fact that I won’t be releasing them until after votes have been cast, but that’s just the risk you’ll have to take.

I wouldn’t dream of asking your opinion without showing you what you’re voting on, so below, I have given you photographic evidence of exactly what you’re voting on.

As you can see, there are some noticeable drawbacks to the beard. Not the least of which is the fact that I have to stand like that whenever I’m not doing anything else in particular. I’m not posing for a picture by any means, that’s just the way the beard wants me to stand. This has made parties pretty awkward at times. Lots of questions about the creepy guy with the beard. They think I don’t know that they’re talking about me… but I know… oh, I know alright. Also, you may have noticed the “No Grow” zone that extends from the middle of my ear down to just above my jaw. I am incapable of growing sideburns. It has completely torpedoed my career as an Elvis impersonator, and don’t think that doesn’t hurt me. Years of therapy have helped me to go back out in public with out crying uncontrollably, but just below the surface, the sadness remains. Bear that in mind when you place your votes, that’s all I’m saying, although I don’t know why I’m saying it.

As further evidence of how fair and comprehensive I want this vote to be, I’ve included yet another picture of myself without a beard below. This way you don’t have to imagine it. I think this picture is a few months older than the bearded one, but I don’t know the exact date. That’s my older sister behind me. She looks the same with or without the beard, so no need to weigh in on that topic.

Lastly, I’ll also be fielding suggestions on some sort of compromise, be it keeping just a throatee maybe, or perhaps ditching the beard, but continuing work on a waxed up, handlebar mustache. Thanks in advance internet, I look forward to hearing from you.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The funny thing is…

I can go a month without posting and not even feel it. I wonder where the time goes and how it gets away from me. I honestly feel like I posted 2 days ago. It’s the same thing with bills. I think I just paid my car insurance, and then, bam! There’s another bill waiting for me when I get home. It really only happens once every two months, but it sure feels like twice a week.

On the flip/hypocritical side, I read a couple of blogs pretty regularly, and by regularly, I mean 2 or 3 times a day. I get pretty upset when they go more than 43 hours without posting. I’ve been known to throw imaginary canaries at my monitor out of frustration. It’s not pretty. But it gets even uglier when those blogs cross the 86 hour mark. That’s when I start writing letters to their congressmen. Really long, meandering letters about how my feelings have been hurt and how many imaginary canaries I’ve sent to an unnecessary demise. I send graphic photos of the horrible canary slaughters, but since they are imaginary, it’s really just a picture of my monitor. I think that’s the reason none of my letters have ever been taken seriously. Not even P.E.T.A. has tried to come after me, and those guys will go after pretty much anyone.

I guess what I’m trying to say in my own little way is: You guys need to stop slacking off and keep your post more frequent. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be rude about it, but the imaginary canary body count is unacceptably high right now. If not for me and my ridiculous requests, do it for all the imaginary canaries dying quick, painless deaths as they crash headlong into my monitor.

Now, here’s the conversation I predict I’ll be having with my girlfriend after she reads this post.

Girlfriend: Jonathan! I cannot believe you would even joke about throwing canaries at your monitor! That’s just mean. You’re a mean little boy!

Me: No I’m not. Of course I would never throw an actual canary at my monitor. I love that monitor. I love that monitor soooooo much. (Said like GIR from Invader Zim) I’m talking about imaginary canaries. There’s a difference.

Girlfriend: Your monitor!?!?! Why is that funny to you?!!?

Me: It’s funny because everyone knows I’m joking. The idea of me throwing an imaginary anything at my monitor is funny. The sheer thought of me getting angry with anyone for not posting is downright comical in and of itself because I NEVER post anymore.

Girlfriend: Well I don’t think it’s funny at all. Hurting innocent little birds, real or not, just isn’t funny. The real problem is that you don’t post anymore. This silly little post trying to turn it around on everyone else for not posting more is just a pathetic attempt at misdirection. Trust me, nobody is going to fall for it.

Me: Oh, I think many will fall for it. I think that on the whole, 98% of my readers will fall for it, hook, line and sinker. They will be like simple little goldfish in a fish in a tiny goldfish tank, and I will be the master fisherman with my flawless technique, reeling them all in, one after another until my second fish tank is so full of fish that I have to switch sides and catch the same fish over again and put them back into their original tank.

Girlfriend: You’re insane, you know that?

Me: Yeah, insane like a fox!

Girlfriend: You know that doesn’t even make sense, don’t you?

Me: It makes sense alright, I’ll show you. Let’s go make out.

Girlfriend: Ok.

Aaaaaannnnnnd SCENE!

PS. I’ve decided after loosely skimming over this post that “Imaginary Canary” is going to be the title of my number one hit single due out in late November of 2010. It’ll be available only as a cassingle, so look for it in your local music stores. It’ll probably be somewhere in the back, probably located in a large bin of other $0.99 items. It may also be in their trashcans. You should probably check them both just to be sure.