Saturday, November 07, 2009

The one where I offend mean spirited smokers and don't care about it.

The most honest thing I can say to you as a fellow human being is that I'm a bit if a fast walker. I also hate cigarette smoke. These two happened to be related. See, whenever I walk anywhere, my main goal is to avoid inhaling someone else's second hand smoke. In general, it's pretty easy to out pace these wheezy, inconsiderate smokers. But every once in awhile, I run into this guy:

As you can tell by the wind whipping past his feet, this guy is fast. He's never fast enough to speed away from me, just quick enough to stay one or two steps in front of me. This guy makes my life a living hell. I'm constantly in his wake of smoke. I can't slow down because then I'd be back with the pack of regular speed smokers and I can never seem to outrun him. I lead a very tortured life.

The worst part is that these guys seem to show up by the thousands when the weather is any kind of decent. Back in California, I never had to deal with this because we have a law that allows us to throat punch anyone walking too fast while smoking. Anyone smoking really. California is good like that.

Just look at this guy. He's obviously the type that says he only smokes when he drinks, so he's constantly walking around with a martini like he's James Bond or something. The only thing this guy excels at is being a poo face. Yeah, I said poo face and I mean that in the most offensive way possible. I'll be lobbying for an Illinois throat punching smokers bill this year, so please send in your donations. I'm going to need a lot of money to get past the Anti Smokers Suffering Hand Onslaughts Located at the Esophagus Society. They have a lot of pull around here and nearly unlimited funds from several lung cancer law suits. I won't give up though.

-- Posted From My Smoke Free iPhone.


cadiz12 said...

i didn't catch that acronym at first. nicely done, H.

Madelyn said...

Maybe your fiance can swipe some of those doctors masks for you.

Syar said...

I know he's a pooface, but I can't help but be a little impressed that he's holding/smoking 3 cigarettes at once AND carrying that martini without apparently spilling a drop.

Madelyn said...

I think that might be the guy that killed me in the revolving door.


Anonymous said...

I'm still trying to decide if I like this guy or not. He IS a pooface and all, but he's SO FAST, yet so poised. Plus he has a mustache. He seems pretty classy.

I don't even know if you'd be able to hit is esophagus at that speed. Good luck with your campaign though.