Friday, November 06, 2009

The one about nachos

I'm not telling you how to live your life, I'm just giving you pointers on how to make it much more enjoyable and less like an episode of "The Good Wife."  Ok, I haven't actually watched that show, but I assume it's based on a normal, everyday person's life that happens to be pretty boring.

I'm willing to bet a substantial amount of monopoly money that most of you out there get hungry.  I'm willing to bet an even more substantial amount of fake One Million Dollar bills that when you get hungry, you're not really interested in waiting 7-10 days to design, shop for and prepare a 16 course gourmet meal that will surely cure that hunger of yours.

That's where nachos come in.  You take some chips and some cheese and you make your life a whole lot less hungry.  That's all well and good, but let's take a look at what you're using to make these nachos:

Really guys?  That's the choice you make?  I won't pretend like I'm not disappointed, but that's why I'm here.  Let's clean this mess up, ok?

The key to great nachos is superior ingredients*.  First, ditch the generic bag of terrible chips.  I know they look good in the store, but every time you bring them home, they never meet expectations.  We're going to replace those with some Original Flavor Sunchips. You're mouth will thank me later.  Second, please stop buying that Kraft Mystery Cheese™.  It tastes like plastic (because I'm sure that's what it's made of) and I'm reasonably certain that it causes premature hiccups. Let us be very clear on this point, if you're going to hiccup, you want to make sure it's nice and mature when you do.  Also, I hate Kraft.  Instead, pick your favorite cheese and buy several blocks of it from various manufacturers.  Grate up some cheese and find out which brand you like best.  For me, it's Tillimook.  I'll eat whatever they're making and I will like it.  You may have noticed that I said to buy a block of cheese.  Then I said to grate it.  This is an essential step.  Freshly grated cheese is required in order to make your life better.  If you're not grating your own cheese, at least have the decency to pay a small child to do it for you.  You won't regret it.

All you have to do now is sprinkle some cheese on the chips, microwave for about 25 seconds and start feeling superior to everyone around you.  The End and You're Welcome!

*If you're having trouble remembering what kind of ingredients to use, try this helpful little mnemonic:  Simply Using Plain Elderly Rubbish Is Only Rude. Instead Never Go Running Errands Donning Inside Evening Nightgowns Too Soon.


Madelyn said...

So what your saying is that even though I'm poor, I should do whatever I have to do to buy superior Nacho ingredients?

I suppose I'll go to the bank tomorrow and ask them for a nacho loan. What should I ask for? I'm thinking somewhere along the lines of 1 billion dollars. That should cover it right?

p.s. whenever i want tortilla chips I steal them from my work. Top Secret agents love their nachos.

omar said...

I majored in Sun Chips in college.

I've got nothing else, really.

cadiz12 said...

i think your sodium intake is contributing to my ulcer.

that said, i will stand up and vouch for your nachos, your pizza and pretty much everything else you make with freshly grated cheese.

Anonymous said...

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You forgot the most important point - What about the salsa?

Nachos are nothin but chips covered in cheese without salsa.