Saturday, May 28, 2005

What would you do?

I’m beginning to wonder if my downstairs neighbor has some form of IBS. The bathrooms were inexplicably designed with no windows, so they all have extremely noisy fans installed in them that turn on when the light is turned on. This means that every time a person uses the bathroom, I know about it. That works in reverse too I assume. To my knowledge, the downstairs neighbor is a single mom with just the one small baby (as opposed to the neighbor across the hall that has 5 gigantic babies. Seriously, these kids are so huge they don’t walk or crawl anywhere, they just roll.). So as far as I know, she is the only person who would be turning the bathroom light on and off. This happens several times a night for fairly lengthy periods of time. Granted, I’m not a woman, but I’ve lived with many, and this behavior is not something I’m familiar with in a healthy adult.

Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’s addicted to crack and doesn’t like doing it in front of the baby because, you know, she wants to be a good role model. She also has an extremely loud phone. I should not be able to hear her dial phone numbers. Especially not at 1 or 3 AM.

I’ve considered drilling a hole, 5 inches in diameter, in the floor to get a better look at what’s going on below, but then I thought, “No, that’s just wrong. My landlord would totally take that out of my security deposit and I just can’t afford that.” Plan B is just to ignore it. Plan C involves me dressing up like a gorilla and pretending to deliver a singing telegram at 2:25 AM. Plan D is probably the trickiest because I would have to find a way to put the entire apartment building up on jacks so I could crawl underneath and install several surveillance cameras. Plan E was just horrible from the get-go. There’s no way I’m going to fake my own death and leave as my dying wish that I want to be buried in the downstairs neighbor’s bathroom. The logistics of that one are simply horrific. Plan F doesn’t have any legs either, there’s simply no way I’m going to be able to get hold of enough anti-matter to freeze time for that long. I haven’t made any final decisions yet; those always come from my sacred chimney with a puff of smoke. (An idea the Catholics totally ripped off from me for deciding on new popes.) I like Plan D, I’m always up for a good challenge, but in the end, I’ll probably just go with Plan B because I’m predictable and boring.

29 comments:

Jack Safety said...

ha! 5.13 in the morn and im still up and checking blogs... Oh if you wanna go fer plan F, I know a guy... I like ellipses... f*ck i should sleep...

Jack Safety said...

f*ck again!
i read something about "a dry heat" in a comment for that last post... I wish to point something out. This dry ass desert is a dry heat, but then again so is an oven.

Glo said...

There are some exciting new products at SRSA.com (once again, I will laugh if that's a real web address) that may help you with your project.

My guess - using silly cloth diapers and has to wash them out 9 zillion times a day - for some things, we should just give in and destroy the environment. She should sue the landlord - those automatic fans will make anyone crazy.

BTW - the singing gorilla-gram sounds great. I don't have IBS, but I'd like one. Any other ways to qualify?

JeannaBelle said...

I have IBS, you can have mine.

Jon said...

Jack: You’re hardcore. No one can question that. But seriously, get some sleep.

1gloriousconundrum: Where do you think I purchased the gorilla suit? I wouldn’t be where I am today without SRSA.com (even funnier if this is website for stalkers)

I don’t know if there’s a diaper problem or not, but I just got home a little after 11 tonight, and she had a gentleman caller waiting outsider her door as I was walking in. Not sure how that plays into the multi bathroom visits every night, but it helps explain the phone calls. You know what’s worse than the fan though? I happen to take hot showers, probably hotter than most people would take, and sometimes, the steam shorts the smoke detector and it goes off until I’m out of the shower and the steam clears. The first time this happened was not the most pleasant day I’ve ever had.

Sorry, I only use the gorilla-grams to infiltrate the houses of my neighbors that I suspect of having IBS. If you want one, you’ll have to move in next to me and simulate IBS. That’s the only way.

Jeannabelle: Tempting, but no. My lactose intolerance provides me with all the bowel problems a man (probably a woman too) could ever wish for. Plus, I’m not really sure this post was about my desire to somehow obtain IBS. However, you do win the award for the most revealing first comment by a new visitor, so congratulations on that! A word of advice though, I accept you for who you are. I am not shocked or appalled by your honesty and forthcomingness, but there are those out there that are not so forgiving. So in the future, when you meet someone for the first time and you’re shaking their hand, best not to say something like, “Hi, I’m Jeanna and I have IBS.” Unless you’re at some sort of IBS convention, but other than that, you might want to just stop after Jeanna. Best of luck to you kid!

cadiz12 said...

these plans have merit, jon, but the commmon goal seems to stop after satisfying your curiosity.

what happens after you find out she is smoking rocks in the shower/has ibs/is washing tens of dirty nappies/is aware you're a light sleeper and trying to piss you off?

use your powers to get her to sleep a full night so that you can, too. granted, i have no suggestions for that, so i'm of no help.

Jack Safety said...

im disappointed by the small number of entertaining comments here...
tsk tsk

Jon said...

Jack, I’m doing my best. I work with what I’ve got, you know?

cadiz12 said...

jack, the best way to lead is by example.

Jack Safety said...

Right!

Fuck.

Uh...

Plan A:
Well exclusive of just using a Rotary Hammer (I suggests BOSCH's SDS-Max line of Rotary and Combination hammers) to drill several Holes around the circumference of the 5 inch hole and then hammering the rest out with a little 30lb JackHammer, I would suggest RENTING one of these.

Plan B:
Well that could be rather difficult, but if you've got a game or a book that REALLY grabs you then go for it!

Plan C:
It seems a little bit costly...

Plan D:
You seem bright, so I think that with enough of these and this information you could probably pull off the up-jacking. I would suggest using one of these for the security type recordings.

Plan E:
Well this plan looks pretty solid. This site would be a good place to start as far as you Last Will and Testament is concerned.

Plan F:
There are too many problems with freezing time anyway. Assuming you could find a way to stop time AND leave you free to move, it would still be impossible to get anything done. Nothing would move. Not even the air around you. You would probably just suffocate and die.



::wanders off::

omar said...

I want to say that the gorilla suit plan is your best bet, but she's going to have to come out of the bathroom in order to answer the door. I guess you could tackle her and then run into her bathroom to try to decide what was going on. But if she does indeed have IBS, you may end up being sorry you went in there.

Jack Safety said...

TRu DAt.

Adrian said...

An overdose of Immodium should sort her out. Better safe than sorry, I say!

Sneak it into her water supply and if she swells up to 10 times her normal size, you know you've got a winner!

Jon said...

Well, I understand the concerns with freezing time, but hasn’t anyone ever seen "Out of this World?" Evie never seem to have to much trouble with it… Woooooouuuuuulllllldddd You like to swing on a star? (oh oh oh) Carry moonbeams home in a jar? (oh oh oh) And be better off than you are, or would you rather go to Earth?

I get that song stuck in my head ALL the time.

cadiz12 said...

is that the one where her dad lives in that crystal diamond-cube thing? i loved that show. though i can't seem to remember the tune.
don't worry, i have plenty of other themesongs to keep me warm at night. in fact the elevator in my head is playing 'perfect strangers' right now. ah, i can feel the breeze from the harbor in my hair right now...

cadiz12 said...

oh no, he lives on another planet and communicates to her via the cubeycrystal thing.

now i've got it. hey, do they still show that on cable?

Jon said...

Yeah, you got it now, he was on another planet and communicated to her through the largest cubic zirconium known to man. I don’t think it’s still around though, I haven’t seen it in years. By the way, the voice of the dad was none other than Bert Reynolds himself. I was fascinated by that show… mainly because I had always hoped my parents were aliens and that I would have special powers once I got old enough. I haven’t given up hope, but it’s not looking so good.

Balki Bartokomous (that’s a name that would definitely get stuck in my head) and Cousin Larry… what a pair! I’ll never forget about the small island of Mipous (sp?).

You know what was weird, I was shopping at the supermarket the other day, and they started playing the theme song to Growing Pains over the PA system… and then later that night I was flipping through the channels and I came across TBN (Trinity Broadcasting Network), not one of my usual TV hangouts, but I stopped because Kirk Cameron was telling us all that witnessing to homosexuals is just like witnessing to anyone else. Very surreal day.

This also reminds me, (because this reply comment isn’t long enough for my liking yet) I used to give my sister fits when I would make her try and sing the theme songs to Full House and Family Matters back to back. She could never do it, I’m also kind of evil like that.

cadiz12 said...

hey, full house and fam matters were part of the t.g.i.f. lineup --she should have been able to get that easily. one of our favorite pastimes is whistling, humming, singing themesongs and trying to guess or make requests. my alltime favorite is the theme from 'greatest american hero':

who could it be? believe it or not, it's just me.

classic.

Jon said...

Funny you should mention that, I just threw in a mixed cd the other day that I had burned maybe a year or so ago, and I had a few theme songs on there. Most notably, Believe it or not from The Greatest American Hero and the themes song from WKRP in Cincinnati.

And it’s not that my sister can’t do them, she just can’t do them back to back because they are too similar. Kinda like having someone do the theme song for Star Wars, Superman and Indiana Jones. It can be tricky.

jazz said...

i'm having problems with my upstairs neighbors who are up and walking, no..stomping, around at ALL hours. don't they have jobs?! don't they sleep?!

btw, i laughed out loud at your comment to omar's vole game. you're the funniest comment leaver.

Jon said...

Why thank you Jasmine. (your check is in the mail) I do try to make everyone’s life a little brighter with my absurdities when I can. I’ll be the first to admit that I succeed only about 13% of the time, but that’s worth it for me. To know that I make the world 13% better sometimes for a few people maybe once a week or so… yup, that’s what keeps me going.

As for the upstairs neighbors, that is something I do not miss. I think I used to live under some neurotic interior designers, they were always moving furniture around. But it was on wood floors, so, you know, it’s not like the sound really carried through or anything…

cadiz12 said...

okay jon, i got all ready to prove you wrong. i had a lock on the full house theme, but stopped dead after the piano part of family matters. i still can't think of it without cheating. point taken.

back to back is a challenge. so i distracted myself with a whatever i could remember of mr. belvidere.

Jon said...

There just aren’t enough shows about British man servants named Lynn. I never used to think I watched that much TV until I purchased the TV version of Scene it! And in consecutive questions, I was asked to name the two actors from Bosom Buddies, and without even taking a second to think about it, I spouted out Tom Hanks and Peter Scalari. Then it was an all play where you had to identify the character based on the clues. First clue was, My real name is Gordon Shumway. Without hesitation I said ALF. Nobody else even had an answer yet. It turns out, I watched a lot of TV. Now I’m working on the theme song to Small Wonder.

omar said...

I'll second jasmine, you're a pretty funny comment-leaver. I find myself entertained more than 13% of the time by you. I guess that means the people in your real life (as opposed to your blog comment life) get most of the duds.

(That might be the worst compliment I've ever given.)

cadiz12 said...

small wonder. ah, memories. i wonder what harriet is doing with her life these days. on the way in here i heard something about scott baio and now i can't get charles in charge out of my head.

omar, i think upon receiving ninja status, we got upped to the vip comment section.

Jon said...

Again, Thanks guys for the compliments! If I could be a cocky ass for just a second, I think I’m funnier in person. I often wonder if my tone comes across in print. Some of the things I write make me laugh only because of the way I imagine myself saying them. And if I could now take a moment to return the favor, I’m a big fan of the comments you guys leave too. I don’t just like the numbers (which on my blog are heavily padded by me, I did a count the other day, and it turns out, I’ve left more comments than anyone) I’m all about the quality.

Hmm… I’m noticing a trend in 80’s tv… Male nannies… Charles in Charge, Mr. Belvidere, Who’s the Boss… interesting. But now I’m thinking about Family Ties… I don’t know why. Remember when the theme songs used to actually be about the shows? And I’m pretty sure that Harriet, Jamie and Vicki all still hang out on a very regular basis.

girlspit said...

Full House was totally my favorite show when I was a kid. I always wanted DJ's hair.

More to the point, I think you should try surreptitiously knocking your neighbor out with chloroform while she's in the bathroom. You'd have to drill a hole in the floor, like Plan A, but once she's out, you could sneak into the apartment and see what she was doing in the bathroom.

It's fool-proof! Or maybe foolhardy.

Jon said...

I’d like to say your idea has a chance girlspit, but in all fairness, you have no idea what kind of fool I am. Have I ever locked my keys inside the car… while the car was still running? You bet I have. And on far too many occasions, I have attempted to get out of that same car, only to be held back by what I later discovered was my seatbelt. When I’m involved, there’s no such thing as fool-proof.

A said...

Alright, the list has convinced me that I should in fact go ahead and link you. Is it ok if I do?