Friday, May 27, 2005

Patent Pending

Am I the only one out there that cannot sleep when the temperature goes above 70 degrees? That seems to be my threshold. Anything above that and I’ll be up all night tossing and turning, never sleeping. I also like to have a heavy blanket on top of me, so I really need it to be cooler than that. I love being curled up under a warm blanket on a cold night. It’s much easier for me to sleep like that, or maybe it’s just the hypothermia setting in, I’m not sure.

My roommate and I don’t see eye to eye on this one. Mainly because she’s a few inches taller than me, but I have a feeling that even if she weren’t, her color contacts would still make it hard for us to connect on this. She likes it to be unbearably hot so that she can sweat a lot at night or something. I don’t, I like it nice and cool. Rather than close the AC vent in her room, she much prefers to turn it off all together in the middle of the night. I’ll wake up around 2:30 or 3, all sweaty and spend the rest of the night miserable, tossing and turning. It’s not as much fun as it sounds.

I know what you’re thinking, why don’t I just go slip her some sleeping pills and turn the AC back on. Well, I’ve thought about that, and while I don’t think she’d file a lawsuit against me, if she found out, she would most certainly kick my butt. She is much bigger and stronger than I and I am not a fighter by any means. Yes, I am a ninja, but I am one of the rare non-fighting breeds of ninja. I use my ninja skills for many things, including but not limited to: chair balancing, card house building, penny flicking, trick yo-ing, freestyle walking, juggling, Frisbee throwing and indoor nerf basketball. However, I do not use the way of the ninja to fight.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that I have vaulted ceilings, so when it comes to indoor nerf basketball, I’m probably the best in the world, if not the galaxy. I practice every day for somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 hours. I have my coach come in for the first three hours and break down any inconsistencies in my game, then the following two hours are dedicated solely to my midrange jumper. After that, I put the ball down and focus on my footwork for an hour. The last two hours I practice what I like to call, “The Two Minute Drill,” wherein I imagine every possible situation I could be in with two minutes left to play and how I would get out of it. Like say, for instance, what if I were down by 151 points with only two minutes to play. What would you do? Well, I have devised a strategy in which I score 152 points in two minutes while giving up 0. Thus I win the game by 1 point. It’s a brilliant plan if you ask me. Which you did, because I was there, and you specifically asked me what I thought of that plan.

**As a side note, it has become increasingly more difficult for me to post lately because I’ve been pretty grouchy. It’s my job, I don’t like it all that much right now. And I’d rather not turn this blog into one giant complaint about my life. I don’t think that would be too cool. (and believe me, I’ve heard all kinds of arguments to the contrary. The “Complaining is Cool” campaign just rolled through town, and the summer conference on The Value of Venting isn’t far behind) So seriously, if anyone knows of a job opening for a millionaire playboy, please let me know, I’m very interested. This concludes the side note.**


cadiz12 said...

use your ninja skills to sneak into her room and block the ac vent. at least partially. then you both may sleep in peace.

i hear you on the grouchy thing; it has taken nearly everything i've got not to go full-out gangsta on all the bs that has been pissing me off lately. (it's obv pretty bad, because i do a lot of complaining to begin with)

if in your search for that millionaire playboy gig, you stumble across a suitable opening (say a $500,000 duchess or something, i'm not picky) i could be available. just make sure it doesn't include working wildly erratic shifts or dungeons.

Adrian said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Adrian said...

Selfish flatmates are NOT cool. I say we put eye drops in her drinks. One or two drops-cheap and effective. (Air hostesses use this when dealing with asshole passengers).

Eye drops are like an extremely effective laxative. Due to running to the toilet every two minutes and loss of fluids will cause her to overheat. She will be sweating like a priest in a boys orphanage in NO TIME and will BEG you to put the air con on. EVENTUALLY, she will become acclimatised to this way of life and will not think it at all strange when you turn on the AC at nite.


omar said...

Again jon, I think you should go back to the job with two monitors. Less money, perhaps. But that just means that you'll have more time to sit at home and blog, since you won't be able to afford going out.

And the post title? Still pondering this one.

girlspit said...

Like you, when I sleep, the air around me must be cold while I am snuggly and warm underneath a blanket.

Those who violate your sleeping habits in such an impertinent manner, must be destroyed. Or at least given a stern talking-to. Try casually dropping into the conversation that you're a ninja, she might fall for the bluff and back down. Unless she knows that you're a non-violent ninja.

In that case, you could always get down on your knees and cry like a toddler. Who knows, she might feel sorry for you.

Cate said...

Every time summer rolls around I am painfully reminded of how I DON'T SLEEP IN THE HEAT. I once spent a whole summer in Phoenix - not a single good night's sleep to be had FOR THE WHOLE SUMMER. People go on homicidal rampages for less, I SWEAR. I am all about the snuggly curling underneath a blanket. Except I require an amazing number of blankets for my sleeping comfort - warm isn't good enough, I have to feel all the blankety weight on top of me. My family tells me this makes me a freak.

Jack Safety said...

i LIVE in Phoenix, and my roommates refused to turn on the AC till about a week ago. The AC is set at 90, which is really nice. It drops the temp a good 15 degrees.

cadiz12 said...

i'm a blanket girl, too, cate. the weight does add a certain comfort.

doesn't the lack of humidity make things a little easier in phoenix? i can't sleep well when it's 100 degrees and muggy here, but i always figured it was because i was drowning as i tried to breathe.

Jon said...

Cadiz: Unfortunately, my ninja skills are limited in that I am 5 foot 6 ¾ inches tall and the AC vent is at about the 8 foot mark. Also, in the sheer genius that is the apartment complex management, when they repaint the place, they do not concern themselves with the trivialities of removing the vent covers. No no, they just paint right over them, so even if I could reach it, it needs to be unfrozen from the several layers of paint that have been caked on.

Adrian: While the plan seems to have merit, my roommate is originally from Tucson AZ, therefore I do not see her overheating ever. I will have to look into alternatives.

Omar: The job with two monitors actually takes more time than the job I have now and consequently less blogging would get done. Plus I would kill myself, which would also significantly decrease the frequency of my posts.

The post title is just a decoy, a “rodeo clown” if you will, to distract the reader from what’s really going on.

Girlspit: It’s nice to know that I’m not alone. And the roommate is fully aware of my ninja status and is completely unafraid. Also, she has become completely desensitized to my toddler like tantrums. Again, an alternative needs to be found.

Cate: Summer nights on the beach when it’s 75 degrees out in the middle of the night are awesome, but not when trying to go to sleep. If nothing else though, this post should show you that you are not alone and not a freak. It’s your family that is in serious denial. (this reminds me of a scene in the movie “Dream Team” with Michael Keaton and Christopher Lloyd, but I’m not sure anyone would get it, so I’m just going to tease you with my inference to a reference.) I think I’m going to try to invent a Heavy Blanket. I’ll keep you posted.

Jack: I don’t know how people live in the desert. I know that it’s not for me.

Cadiz: ? didn’t I do this already? Oh wait, you’re already on round 2? Geez, I’m slacking off… Ok, the whole “dry heat” thing does matter, but only to a point. After a certain temperature, lets say 92.8 degrees, heat is just heat. At 100 and muggy, you kind of have to think to yourself, “Maybe this isn’t heaven on earth after all…” don’t you? I remember the end of one semester in college, I was in NY, and it was May. I didn’t sleep for three days because the weather was working the horrific combo of 90 deg. 90% humidity, and this was in the middle of the night. The days were worse. Easily one of the most miserable experiences of my life.

Ok, that was pretty long, but that’s what I get for doing “work” all day. It should also be noted that I’m an extremely light sleeper to begin with.

cadiz12 said...

they make fabulous heavy blankets in mexico. often with lions and tigers and eagles, etc. on them. and they're furry, too. i sleep under one for half the year.

bliss, i tell you.

Jon said...

Oh, I have a couple of heavy mexico blankets. I think I paid the outrageous price of $6.00 for them too. They are fantastic, but I’m talking about an even heavier blanket than that. Perhaps I should have said I’m working on a Super Heavy Blanket. More like the led blankets they throw on you when you have x-rays taken.

Jack Safety said...

desert... as far as im concerned it aint for anyone

Glo said...

Ha, ha, ha. I know LOTS of humorous stories that I could tell about Cate and hot apartments that she didn't find the least bit funny but that amused her slightly wicked roommates no end...You got ML and Polo Dude to thank for one particularly awful night for you, dear...sorry...but it was DANG funny.

omar said...

How about Ninja Steve? Surely he could defend the thermostat.

Jon said...

Oh yeah, depriving someone of sleep is comedy gold… (I said this with a very menacing look because it was said with great sarcasm.)

Omar, I don’t usually like to point out other people’s inadequacies, but Steve is not a perfect ninja by any means. He has a propensity to stay up really late at night playing video games, then he crashes and he’s a heavy sleeper.

Cate said...

No fair, G-Lo. I don't even remember the awful night in question. No telling stories about me on the web without my prior permission. Especially ones that involve what a pain-in-the-ass roommate I am. Was, I mean.

Jon said...

Well, it sounds like making your life miserable was a common practice, so it doesn’t surprise me that you’ve forgotten the night in question as it has probably been blurred into the past with all the other miserable nights. Sounds to me like the cliché, “With friends like these, who needs enemies?” applies to you all too well.