Thursday, May 12, 2005

This was entirely uncalled for.

No one was asking, but I have a great feel for what the public wants. And right now, I feel that the public would like to know more about me. Some Jon trivia if you will. Further more, I am absolutely positive that the public wants me to list several items that may not actually even be true and set the whole thing up in a test-like format. Unfortunately for you, the reader, this is going to be an interactive blog. I will list many things about me, some will be true, some will not. Simply submit your answers by stating whether you think each statement is true or false, and I will grade them. That sounds mostly not fun, doesn’t it? Please get out your number 3 pencils (I got a sweet deal on this old scantron machine, but it takes the less popular #3 pencil instead of the over glorified #2) Ready? (if you’re not, that’s sad because this is a go at your own pace kind of thing) Begin.

1. My name (Jon, for those of you that have forgotten already) is actually short for Jonathan, and I didn’t just forget the unnecessary “H.”

2. When I go to pick up food from a restaurant and they ask me what name it’s under, I tell them Jon. Then, when they bring my food to me, it almost always has my name written down like this: “Jonh.”

3. My middle name is Henry, and when I reveal this information to anyone, a barbershop quartet appears from out of nowhere and sings, “Jon Henrrrrry, Jon Henry! He might not look tough but don’t give him no guff! His name’s Jon Henrrrrrry!!!”

4. When I was seven years old, I was involved in a freak biking accident that, tragically, left me unable to ever dance again.

5. In my senior year of high school, as an exorcize in breaking norms for sociology class, I brought a huge bucket of water into my first period marine biology class and midway through the period, proceeded to shampoo and rinse my hair.

6. I was captain of my high school tennis team in spite of the fact that I never started a match. My teammates just had that much respect for me.

7. When I was a little kid, my favorite TV show was “The Dukes of Hazzard,” but deep down inside, I really wanted to be a stunt man/ bounty hunter like Lee Majors in “The Fall Guy”

8. I got kicked out of preschool for not being potty trained.

9. I got kicked out of 5th grade for not being potty trained.

10. I got kicked out of college for not being potty trained.

11. I’m in the process of being fired from my current job for not being potty trained.

12. I’m one year away from my 10 year high school reunion and in order to prepare for this, I’ve been frequenting the alumni website and spreading rumors that I’ve gained over 450 lbs, that way when I show up, no matter how pathetic the rest of my life might be, it will look like an amazing success story combined with my unbelievable loss of “weight.”

13. At age 3, I set the world record for tri-cycling around the world. I did it in just a shade under 2 days… It would have been faster, but I didn’t train as hard as I should have through my terrible 2’s and consequently the Himalayas presented a little bit more of a problem than I would have liked.

14. The first and only time I saw the movie “Dumb and Dumber” was at a free screening two months before its national release when it had a different ending.

15. My favorite color is orange… but I like to pronounce it “purple.”

16. When listening to any kind of music, the only thing that truly matters to me is whether or not I like the sound of the lead singers voice.

17. I was in the marching band my freshman year in high school where I played the trumpet.

18. I have worn a St. Louis Rams pin every day since my junior year in high school. I am one of their most loyal fans.

19. I grew up at a private Christian school and went to church every Sunday all the way through junior college, which is why no one is surprised when I tell them that I don’t believe in God.

20. I have only been drunk twice in my life and if all goes according to plan, the number of times being drunk will stay at 2.

21. My motto has always been, “If you can’t beat them, die trying.”

22. My motto has always been, “Live by the golden rule: He who has all the gold is much slower because gold is heavy and if you have a lot of it, it’s just going to slow you down.”

23. I introduced the world to the word “bappared.”

24. This list is getting too long.

25. I have never made a list longer than 25 items.

Ok, that seems good for now. Please put your pencils down and hand in your exams.


jazz said...

i'm not playing the game, but wanted to leave you a comment anyways. jonathans are always shortened to jon. Johns are never jonathans. they're just john. i thought that was how it always worked?

Jon said...

Jasmine = very not fun. And yes, that’s how it works with Johns and Jonathans, but you are intelligent, so it makes sense that you would already understand this concept.

girlspit said...

I believe every single one of these statements is true. But, I'm very gullible. I looked it up in the shorter OED just to make sure.

omar said...

Dammit, I was in the process of working on a post regarding my 10 year reunion (this November), but now I'll have to sit on it for a little while so it doesn't look like I'm copying :)

False: #3, 6, and 21

For #3, I'd bet it's more of a 70's funk cover band singing a song more along the lines of the "Shaft" theme. You just don't see enough barbershop quartets around for that to be believable.

For #6, too much ego in high school. You mean to tell me the guy playing 1st singles was that humble?

#21, either that or #22 has to be false. The second one just seems more motto-like. The first one is too "motivational speaker."

Jack Safety said...

Jack Safety
4th Period



1. True!
What kind of asshole would lie about his/her name?
**Jack Safety laughs inside because no one will EVER know the irony of his saying such a thing**

2. False!
There can't be THAT many people who can mispell Jon/John... can there?

3. True!
Not because I really believe it, but because I WANT to.

4. False!
Now this is just a lie! I'm sure that you, much like myself, were born with a dance defeciency.

5. True!
That would be so Jon of you.

6. False!
Surely you started at least one match, right?

7. True!
Who wouldn't?

8. True!
It just seems believable!

9. False!
But it is a funny image...

10. False!
Now look... I've got several friends who are in college, and they are always fucking stuff up. As a matter of fact, I have no trouble believing that ASU would be more then happy if they would stick to simply shitting their pants in class every now and then.

11. False!
Thats descrimination! You can't be fired for being disabled!

12. True!
I say true in the hopes that said reunion will be blogged about.

13. False!
The Himalayas are no match for the child that would become the captain of his high school tennis team.

14. False!
I felt like being argumenative I suppose...

15. False!
Purple is a ghastly word, while orange is just plain fun to say.

16. False!
At least I hope its false.

17. True!
I was there, I heard you.

18. False!
Thats not true. Remember that one day? Yeah. That one.

19. True!
That is easily the most believable thing in this entire post.

20. True!
I can understand such a conviction, and were I not such a weak willed little girl I would probably do the same.

21. False!
But only because of #22

22. True!
Its such a wonderful motto...

23. True!
Well I was just introduced to it by you, so I'll just take it on good faith that so was the rest of the world.

24. False!
In fact, I think it could use one more statement.

25. True!
Because more then 25 is just silly.

Jack Safety said...

I hope you don't take off points for spelling or grammar...

cadiz12 said...

Oh jonathan, you take away the fun of making little bubble designs on the Scantron.

#7: Your *inability* to dance is caused by the same thing that makes deja vu: a misfiring synapse; sorry tennis captain, I don’t buy it. (unless maybe it’s due to the psychological damage from repeated attempts in potty training.)

#16: It takes a big man to admit it’s lead-singer loveability, not rocking guitar riffs, that make him love a song.

#18: You sure that pin doesn’t say ‘Los Angeles’? Where do you pin it when you go swimming?

what was the alternate ending to d&d-er?

Jon said...

Hmmm… this is going to be trickier than I thought. I’m going to have to edit the post to add in the answers in order to properly grade/answer these comments/questions. Don’t worry, it should be even more spectacular than the original post. Oh, and a bit of history, I graduated from HS in 1996, and the Los Angeles Rams moved to St. Louis in 1995… I don’t know if that means anything to anyone…

cadiz12 said...

oh, well then that makes more sense; i figured you were staying loyal to your team after it moved.

Jon said...

I was, I’m an extremely loyal person. And don’t get me started about LA fans, they are disgustingly fair weather, and I don’t really like to be associated with them. Let’s just put it this way: There are over 10 million people in the LA area that could go to a football game. That’s 50,000 people for one game, which is less than ½ of 1 percent of the population, and they couldn’t even get that many people to show up. I do not hold it against them for leaving this horribly unsupportive town. You being from the Chicago area (right?), wouldn’t understand this at all.

cadiz12 said...

unfortunately, i have had the displeasure of either being related to, dating, or otherwise generally hanging around some of the most die-hard sports fans in the country, but i also have seen many a cubs fan who only go to wrigley for the *scene*.

Jon said...

I don’t understand “displeasure?” I’ve always wanted to go to Wrigley. My cousins live in Naperville (sp?) and for awhile my uncle was working for Good Humor Ice Cream. My sister went to visit and my uncle took her to a Cubs game and she got to meet Sammy Sosa. She had no idea who he was. I’ve only been able to make it out to visit a few times, but never during baseball season… maybe someday (sigh).

Jon said...

Hmm after rereading that last comment of mine, I realized that there is seemingly no reason at all for me to mention that my uncle worked for Good Humor, but there was. In my head, it was painfully obvious that the only reason my sister got to go to the game and get the VIP treatment was because it was through Good Humor and was a perk of my uncle’s job. Seriously people, work on reading my mind. It’ll make everything so much easier.