Tuesday, May 03, 2005

There are three things I’m sure of.

Thing number one: Whatever that fungus is that grows in my toilet, the fact that it not only sustains, but also gains life from the stuff I flush down, tells me that it cannot be anything good. And the fact that I clean the toilet regularly, and it always comes back, well, that scares the hell out of me. (I mean it, there’s no more hell left, I checked and it’s all gone. I took this Hell Test awhile back, and I scored an 18… good luck beating that. I’ll bet I’m in single digits now.)

Thing number two: It does not matter what the studio executives think, it does not matter what the ratings look like and it certainly doesn’t matter what the Jehovah’s Witnesses think, Arrested Development is the funniest show on television today. Period. Even with the return of The Family Guy, I still maintain that AD is tops, bar none. I will not argue this, unless you need me to argue in favor of it being the top show, then yes, I will argue. But I will not argue that any other show today even comes close to it’s greatness. (although I will admit that it’s greatness cannot truly be appreciated without having seen every episode. You really need to start from the beginning with this one, but it will be so worth it… so much worth, the likes of which you never imagined possible!!)

Thing number three: The public needs to know about my hamstring. I can almost hear the cries… “Jon, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE TELL US HOW THE HAMSTRING IS!!!! IT’S BEEN NEARLY 3 DAYS…NO, MAYBE LIKE 5 DAYS…UH, I DON’T KNOW, IT’S BEEN A WHILE. ANYWAY, WHAT’S THE DEAL, I KNOW THERE’S ANOTHER GAME ON WEDNESDAY AND MY BOOKIE WANTS TO KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO BET, BUT I CAN’T REALLY MAKE THAT CALL UNTIL I KNOW IF YOU’RE GOING TO PLAY OR NOT, SO, COME, BE A SPORT AND HELP ME OUT… ARE YOU PLAYING OR NOT?!?”

Well, as far as number three is concerned, first let me say, what an impressive set of lungs my readers have, I mean, that’s a lot to shout at once. But to answer your question, as Wesley Snipes once said, “Always bet on black!” I’m not really sure how that applies here, we’re not playing roulette, and our team colors are green and gray… so maybe I should have said, “Always bet on green and gray!” Hmmm… I can see why they didn’t use that line in the movie…but I digress (nothing new there though, am I right?) Back to my semi original point… in the most convoluted way possible, I was trying to somehow infer that yes, I will indeed be playing on Wednesday night. The hammy feels good, I’ve been dodging traffic on the freeway to sharpen my reflexes and test the strength in my legs (some people seem to think this is a foolish way work out, but I like to think I’m a lot stupider than they give me credit for). So bet away my friends… bet away… (By the way, we’re playing the team named, “Just 4 Fun” so you know right off the bat that they suck and are just asking for a butt whooping. I think last time we played them, we won 17-1, and our team ain’t that great. I think in that game, I also had an outfield assist where I threw some girl out at first base after she had a seemingly clean hit to right field. No, I charged it and gunned her out at first base. Why? Because I have a cannon for an arm? (The medical malpractice lawsuit is still in trial, but I’m confident I’ll win. I went in to have my wisdom teeth removed, and instead I get a frickin’ cannon for an arm? Not that I haven’t benefited from it, but still, it’s the principle of it all.) No, because I’m cold hearted. (I actually feel terrible about it. I mean, it’s slow pitch, co-ed softball. What I did was just mean.))

Ok, I think we’re done here.

17 comments:

cadiz12 said...

damn skippy, pal. it takes a lot of coordination to get all of your readers to chant in unison.

anthony said...

hahaha.. but i kinda liked this entry.. pretty.. alluring.. hehe..
ei buzz me sometime - anthony.i.ph
ciao!

jazz said...

agree on arrested development. any idea if it's coming back for another season?

Jon said...

Cadiz: Don’t think I’m not aware of that! I mean, I’ve got literally 4 or 5 people, spread all across this great country, in several different time zones… That’s one hell of an orchestra to conduct.

Anthony: “…alluring…” uh…I don’t know what that means…

Jasmine: No word on AD… as always, it is unnecessarily left flapping in the wind. It is way too good of a show. I think it’s getting a lot of fan support as of late, but I don’t know how much that matters…

omar said...

It would have been worse if you had made the play on the ball and then outrun her to first base. I've seen that happen, though they were playing pretty shallow in the OF.

Just got off the phone with my bookie, I win 20 large if you hit for the cycle (in order). I'm pulling for you.

Jon said...

That would have been sad, specially considering the fact that we have these fancy orange cones in the outfield that we have to stay behind until the batter makes contact. I would have had a lot of ground to cover.

And normally I’d call that a suckers bet, BUT, I will be wearing my lucky socks tonight, so a natural cycle is pretty much a gimmie. Spend that money like you already have it Omar.

Oh, and by the way, I just found out that the Vole has been giving your home number out to telemarketers… he needs to be stopped.

cadiz12 said...

you think the vole is the one who messed up my blog? jon, do you have any idea why it's being all blankety-blank? i have notified blogger, who doesn't really seem to care; it only sent me a generic 'wecan'treplypersonallytoeverysinglemessage' message.

damn that vole.

Jon said...

I blame the Vole, and I’m sure Omar will back me up on that. I have no idea what’s up with your blog. I wept openly for the past two days when I was unable to access it. Did you recently make any changes to the template? Or did you mess with anything else? Can you access your settings right now?

omar said...

Damn right I'll back you up. The vole is at the root of pretty much all that is bad. Except American Idol. I've go no explanation for that crap.

Incidentally, jon, I took your advice and spent the 20 grand like I already had it. No word from my bookie yet. How'd you play?

Jack Safety said...

wow. that 18 is damn impressive score

Jon said...

American Idol is fueled by the star power of Paula Abdul. There is no explanation for it, and trying to find one is like trying build a tower to the moon out of toothpicks. I don’t recommend it.

Omar: your bookie is going to be reluctant to get a hold of you. I hit for the cycle by the second inning (naturally of course), according to the bet you placed, that made it pay off triple (60K) then I thought, why not do it again? So I hit for the cycle for a second time in the same game, making your bet payoff at 100X, meaning dude owes you a cool 2 million… Don’t mess with the lucky socks, that’s all I’m saying. A lot of sports books in Vegas took a bath on that game because they thought my hamstring injury was worse than it really was. I’m a quick healer, don’t ever forget that.

Jack: Yeah, that 18 is legit too. However, even though the test would seem to indicate that I’m not going to hell, I am currently committing the only unforgivable sin, so I can’t go to heaven either. I think that means that I’m stuck here on earth and, if I’m doing the math right, that means I’m pretty much immortal.

cadiz12 said...

i only just thought about changing it. you think that, coupled with the vole's mighty powers of destruction was enough to bring it down?

someone once told me that janet jackson taught paula to sing and paula taught her to dance. not sure how true that is, but she's definitely got skills. on the dance floor, at least.

Jon said...

Absolutely, if nothing else, we’ve learned that the Vole is a powerful beast. My only recommendation right now is that you try to access your settings and try changing to one of the other stock templates, short of that, I’d say your problem is much bigger, and it involves blogger’s servers, which you have pretty much no control over, unless you want to rent space somewhere, or set up your own server… sorry, sucks.

When I was 7, I had a freak cycling accident, and tragically, I lost the ability to dance. It’s very hard for me to watch others dance or be around any kind of dancing at all. It brings me great sorrow. The doctors have all said my condition is irreversible, so there you have it. The true tragedy of course, comes from the fact that I absolutely love music. Since I cannot dance, I love to take long drives up and down the coast listening to the many CD’s I’ve burned… good times…

cadiz12 said...

i tried that to no avail, but it seems blogger got their servers straight, so i'm back! thanks for the tips, though!

although i once dated a man with your condition, i do believe that with the right attitude, anyone can enjoy dancing. what do doctors know, anyway?

but nothing beats cruising along a scenic strip, walking the line between jamming and hearing loss.

Jon said...

Pacific Coast Highway between Pt. Mugu and Santa Monica is spectacular. I recommend that drive to anyone.

And while I’m a bit of a doctor skeptic myself, (I think I know my body better than anyone) I must concur with the results. I don’t see myself dancing anytime soon. I’ve made a few exceptions… I danced with my sister at her wedding… and I suppose if I ever meet a girl that can get me to dance, then that is the girl I will marry because that will be nothing short of a miracle.

cadiz12 said...

i'm sorry, jon. i refuse to accept that answer. anyone coordinated to 'hit for the cycle' twice in one game obviously has it together enough to dance. now if you can't snap to a beat, then you have a real problem.

Jon said...

What part of “freak cycling accident” didn’t you understand? I was traveling at a very high rate of speed down a very steep hill, I lost control, and my ability to dance was pierced clean through… I had to have an emergency surgery to remove it, the doctors said they had no choice, I would have died otherwise. And I’m not a lizard, so there’s no chance of it regenerating it. Dancing and swinging a baseball bat are two very different things. (luckily, those abilities were left intact. I have three distinct swings, my baseball swing, my golf swing and my tennis swing.)