Thursday, June 02, 2005

Jon The Braggart

I know I’m always out here throwing my successes in your face like I’m some kind of super awesome guy. It’s not polite, but I can’t help it. When I tell you facts about my life like, I delivered pizza for 5 years; I say it because it’s true, not because I want you to feel less adequate around me. Or when I say that I graduated college with a staggering 2.73 GPA, I’m not trying to make you feel intellectually inferior, I’m just telling you a verifiable fact.

I’m sure you guys are like, “We get it Jon, you have the Midas touch, everything you do, you do at a championship level.” I cannot emphasize this enough: I do not do this on purpose and I know it comes off as pretentious. So again, I apologize for any ego bruises I may have incurred, or any self-esteem I may have personally deflated. This was not my intention.

With all of that in mind, I have some more exciting news about my life. Please do not throw rocks or rotten fruit at me out of jealousy or rage. As of July 1, 2005, I, Jonathan Henry (censured) will once again be living at my parent’s house. I know what your thinking. How can one man be so lucky? How can one guy catch every break? The answer: I don’t know. Clearly I am not a pawn in the great game of life, I’m like a knight or maybe a bishop… oh oh oh or a rook! Yeah, I always wanted to be a rook!

Somehow, at the mere age of 27, I seem to have found myself on the top of the world. I have a mountain of debt, a job where I’m underpaid, I’m blessed with the body of a 12 year old AND I get to live with my parents!! (Soon I’ll be holding my annual, “Win a date with Jon!” contest where in one lucky lady will win the chance to join me for an evening with dinner and a movie. Last years highlights included me getting kicked out of the restaurant for not having any parental supervision and then being denied access to a rated “R” movie and having my ID confiscated by the theater only to be returned several hours later when my mother arrived with my original birth certificate accompanied by my passport, social security card and my high school yearbook and, of course, the usual 45 minute explanation as to why I look like a little boy. Very romantic.)

It’s also worth noting that right now, at this very moment, and probably for the next several moments, I am listening to my new favorite album, Americano! By Roger Clyne and The Peacemakers. I have officially declared Roger Clyne my all-time favorite musician. Starting with the Refreshments, and now with the Peacemakers, I have 4 albums. Of the four albums, I love every song on every one of them. Not like, love. I won’t skip any song for any reason because they are all fantastic to me. Still don’t believe me? Check out these survey questions I answered just the other day:

If you could chose one musician as your favorite, who would it be?

Answer: Roger Clyne

Do you like every song this musician has ever written?

Answer: Yes

I think that’s pretty conclusive, so I’ll just leave it at that. I know I’ve said in the past that the only thing that really matters to me in a band is the voice of the lead singer, and I still stand by that, but the thing about Roger is that he also has amazing lyrics combined with fantastic music. I listen to a fair amount of punk and ska, and he is nowhere near that. In fact, I’ve often seen them classified under Alt Country… for whatever that’s worth. I’m also pretty sure that he’s not for most people, but for me, it just doesn’t get any better.

28 comments:

Jack Safety said...

I request specifically to be excluded from the contest.

Adrian said...

WOW! You are lucky. And the ladies? EVEN luckier.

omar said...

Hopefully you didn't invest too much money in the gorilla suit.

Cate said...

Hate to rain on your parade (oh, who am I kidding? LOVE to rain on your parade), but I totally have you beat on this - the moving back in with the parents due to the mountain of debt thing. I mean, I practically invented the scenario.

Jon said...

Jack: Are you absolutely sure? Once I take your name out of the competition, I cannot put it back in.

Adrian: I know, believe me, I know. I don’t even want to go into how much money I lose in Vegas too, because that would just be cruel and unusual punishment for my readers.

Omar: I have a budget for everything. Right now my “real life” budget is extremely tight. Management has chosen to divert most of my funds into the “unnecessary items” budget, so the investment on the gorilla suit ($7,899.99 but seriously, it looks like a real freaking gorilla. Sometimes I wear it to the zoo and just freak people out. I have a friend tape people's reactions. They are hilarious. I’m thinking of making a TV show out of it. I’ll call it something like “Candid Camera.” I’m pretty sure that’s never been done before in the history of television, so once again, I will be tearing down the very fabric of the television construct and pioneering a whole new frontier. In other words, typical Jon stuff.

Cate: It’s a little known fact that rain is synonymous with Jon’s parades. If it’s raining, you can bet I was going to have a parade. The debt is mostly college related, but the real joke is on my friend Ben. He’s 22, didn’t go to college, works at the same place as me, he has no debt, owns a house already, BUT, he only makes twice as much money as me. What a sucker.

cadiz12 said...

well at least this solves the roommate/ac problem. and you won't even have to get your ass kicked.

there are a few joys to living at home. for one, you'll find yourself eating a lot better.

hang in there, slugger.

Jon said...

Yeah, at home, I don’t have AC… Problem solved! (I’m making a grumpy face right now) All I have to do now is figure out how to fit all my stuff into a 10x10 room. Again, I apologize for flaunting my ridiculous fortune.

jazz said...

if i could move in with my mom to save some money i would. but she lives in CA. boo!

Jon said...

Yeah, commuting from CA to NY would be rough. Not so sure that’s really cost effective either. Moving back home means that I will now have an hour commute each way instead of the 5 minutes it is right now. It’s ok though, I love to drive. I don’t like that I will have to get up an hour earlier though.

omar said...

jon the frontier pioneer-er.

Except for college, I lived with my parents until 3 weeks before I got married at age 24. It's practical, and there's nothing wrong with it.

And cadiz makes a great point, that you can now avoid getting your ass kicked by your roommate.

Jack Safety said...

I dont live with my mother anymore...
I think that my roommates are about to kick me out, but i'll just live under a bridge. I'm not moving back in with Mom. Ya know... I'm probably gonna be a bum. This sucks. I'm gonna go find something to eat.

cadiz12 said...

yeah, and if you live at home, you can try and sneak your laundry in with their stuff. sometimes i can even come back folded and ironed!

and as much as i bitch about commuting, it has given me guilt-free hours with which to practice my singalong techniques. i'll admit, that is one of the brightest spots in the day.

Jon said...

I’ve been doing my own laundry since I was maybe 10. Trust me, in my house, it’s not going to get folded or ironed. I started my “Wrinkles Wrule!!” campaign when I was 12 and never looked back.

That’s one of the things I missed about the commute though, I love to sing along, and listening to music I love for 45 minutes to an hour every morning really helped start my day off right. Driving for me has always been a relaxing and therapeutic thing. I’m so ridiculously addicted to my new Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers CD right now anyway, it’s all I want to listen to. 5 minutes in the morning just isn’t cutting it. I drove around unnecessarily for a good 15 minutes at lunch today just to keep listening. Any other band and I’d be afraid of killing the album, but not this one. I played Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy (Refreshments, Roger’s first band) over and over for like 3 months straight once. Still one of my favorite albums. I really can’t explain how much I love his music. I’m sure it sounds a little weird, but I hope everyone is lucky enough to find a similar band/musician. It is truly an awesome thing.

Glo said...

I only stalk the best, baby...BTW sorry about those scorch marks the other day. I hope any chica keeps my relationship with you in mind if she dares to enter that little contest. It'll be lots of fun to be in my scope all night long...;)

Jon said...

Screw it, I’m moving out at the end of the month anyway. Sorry about the inconvenience of a longer commute and the eventual relocation of all that surveillance equipment.

I wouldn’t worry about the other chicas… in a very unsurprising manner, the only entrant thus far, Jack, has since removed his application. Also, in the miniscule chance that someone were to accidentally submit an application, (probably unbeknownst to them) my utter lack of charm would fend them off quickly enough.

Glo said...

Truly not! You're being unnecessarily humble. Sorry about Jack, though - I thought you guys were MFEO.

Don't worry about the relocation - thought I'd just keep the UHaul a bit longer and do it all in one day, so I'm good.

(Obviously, I missed my blog life when I was attending to reality. Must figure out how NOT to have a life...)

Jack Safety said...

look I was totally into the contest, but i met someone new this week. Im afraid she has something that im not sure that Jon here can compete with. She has both tits AND a vagina. BOTH.

Jon said...

1gc: Glad I’m not inconveniencing you too much. I thought Jack and I had something too… he was my first you know (commenter that is).

(Reality really gets in the way, doesn’t it?)

Jack: I thought you liked me for my personality. I didn’t know you were so superficial. (sigh…) (inner monologue… This is the end for me, I think I shall retire to the cave when I move out of the apartment. If Jack won’t have me, no one will.)

And for all the other readers, yes, that last comment kind of creep ed me out too.

Glo said...

I'm disappointed, Jack, that's all I have to say. I had such a high opinion of your moral consciousness. It's sad to see a hero fall, isn't it?

Keep an eye open, Jon. You'll find that perfect someone. And then I'll hunt her down. The circle of life just brings a tear to my eye...;)

Jon said...

I guess I’ll ask the obvious… Which eye do I keep open? My left eye has 20/10 vision, narrowly edging out my right, which has 20/15. But my right eye is my dominant eye… I’m just so confused. And then once I find this person, what’s the best way to tell her that the repeated attempts on her life are coming from my stalker, who, contrary to popular belief, really does have a good heart? Life can be so hard sometimes. I wonder how other people handle these common situations.

Glo said...

Such a good question. If I knew, then I would likely have a boyfriend rather than a victim. However, I would like to point out that if she doesn't have a sense of humor about being nearly stabbed to death several times a week, then she's probably not the right person for you. (This joke is soooo gonna come back and haunt me some day.)

Jon said...

Yeah, it seems to be a fine line between those who tolerate constant murder attempts and those that don’t. (and if some of the jokes I’ve made DON’T come back to haunt me, I’ll be more than just a little disappointed. I’ll probably sit and pout in my room for a period of no less than 18 days.)

BTW, I ain’t getting nothing done at work today…

Glo said...

Igualmente, as they say in Latin America. I'm blaming the addictive nature of the blogosphere. At least, that's what I plan to say the moment someone decides to see how I spend company time...

Jon said...

“F if I know!” will be my response to my companies inquisition of how I’m spending company time. I’ve never been that eloquent… Then I'll just stare blankly at them...

Glo said...

Without eyebrows...yeah, that could be creepy enough to avoid being fired...

cadiz12 said...

1glorious, you're automatically a+ in my book for the sleepless in seattle reference. do you work on contract? granted, i'd have to find someone to stalk first, but it'd be comforting to know that i could rely on an expert to do the job.

jack, i was kind of confused as to how many body parts your new woman has. actually, i don't think i want to know afterall.

and jon, any decent woman knows that stalking is the best form of flattery. unless of course you can't take no for an answer and it gets to the point where you travel hours just to sit outside the girl's complex all day, stopping all of her acquaintances and forcing her to sneak into the building through the laundry room. (not that i have any firsthand experience with this, of course.)

Jon said...

I don’t know, I’ve been a stalkee for so long, I don’t know if I could switch teams and become a stalker. Besides, how would my current stalker feel about that? (slight head nod back and to my left at 1gc) (oh man, I hope 1gc skips parenthetical statements…)

As for the body parts, well, I’m aware of two that I apparently DON’T have, although I’d still like a certified medical doctor to verify this. I have three separate appointments next week with three different doctors. I want separate opinions just so I can be sure, you know? I guess I’m kind of thorough like that.

girlspit said...

Hey, don't feel so bad. I totally have your butt kicked in the living at home department.

I've been living with my mother for the last four years and I'm married but he doesn't live with us. Plus, it took me six years to get my B.A. (going on and off), and I still work at the sucky job I had while I put myself through college.

It's a retarded form of adulthood I like to call, "extended adolescence."