Sunday, May 22, 2005

Star Wars Episode III: Finally! With more Wookies!

There are some important things you can learn about yourself when you go see a big movie premier like, I don’t know, say, “Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith” alone. It’s a pretty amazing path of self-discovery. Lets take a look:

I was standing in a fairly large line of people waiting to see episode 3. From what I could gather, I was the only person in line that was alone. Everyone else was with a group of friends or family. Lesson 1. People must not like me very much.

The theater had stadium seating. This is the only way I will view movies in the theater. I took a seat towards the back because of the 50 or so people actually sitting in their seats, they represented another 200. “Sorry, these seats are saved.” I kind of don’t like this. I think if you want to see a movie, don’t have someone save you a seat. I had to wait in a ridiculous line, you should too. Lesson 2. I would never ask someone to “save me a seat.” It’s just not cool.

Up until about 10 minutes before the movie started, I had several open seats on either side of me. They were not being saved, they were completely up for grabs. Hoards of people came in asking everyone else in all the other rows if seats were saved, but not until all the other seats were taken did anyone ask me about the seats on either side of me. Lesson 3. I must be some sort of freaking looking guy that no one wants to talk to. In all fairness though, I guess I should point out that I was holding a sign that said, “I hate people!” and I was brandishing a gun with my eyes wide open and I wasn’t blinking. So maybe that had something to do with it, who knows…

I did not wear a costume of any sort. Very few people actually did. There was a woman dressed up as Darth Vader. I’m not going to explain that, I’m just going to report it. Then there were a couple of normal dress folks with a light saber dangling from their hip. Just looked weird. Lesson 4. I’m a fan, but I am not a super fan. I really don’t see the point in dressing normal, but then carrying around a fake light saber. You are on the fence, you need to decide, are you going to dress up or not? Pick a team and stick with it.

I saw a lot of people get to their seats, then a few at a time would run to the concession stands for some over priced candy or a quick restroom stop. Lesson 5. When you are a loser with no friends and you go to the movies alone, you cannot leave your seat without losing it for any reason, so you better have some amazing bladder control and enough foresight to pre-pack any snacks you may want.

Aside from that, I had a good time. I may even see it again. There were a few other random thoughts that ran through my head as I watched the movie. They are as follows:

As the movie began with the now famous scrolling paragraph intro, I briefly considered a scenario where in the pressure to create a good movie became entirely too much for George Lucas and instead of actually making a regular movie, he instead just made the whole thing a two and a half hour scrolling description. No actors, just the space background and paragraph after paragraph of story… I thought that was mildly amusing.

I’ll bet Yoda would make a great leadoff hitter. I mean, he’s got a tiny little strike zone, he can redirect blaster bolts to blow up droids with his light saber, so I’m pretty sure he can handle a bat. He’s deceptively quick, making him a threat to steal a base at any time, and he’s got a good head for strategy, so he probably won’t make a lot of base running errors.

If the force is something that runs through all living beings, why does it give them the power to pick up and throw large inanimate objects? And if they can do that, why don’t they do it a lot more often? I know I would.

You often hear a lot about the “Dark” side of the force, but if dark = bad, what equals good? They don’t call it the “Light” side of the force, do they? I mean, it clearly has two sides, the good and the bad, and they always call the bad the Dark side, but the good side is just called “the force?” Eh… whatever.

These first three episodes don’t have a good Han Solo type character, and I miss that. They did, however, make it very obvious where Luke gets his annoying, whiny demeanor. Thank Dad for that one Luke.

Samuel L. Jackson might be the least convincing Jedi I’ve ever seen, and believe me, I’ve seen loads of unconvincing Jedi.

I got my first Yo-Yo when I turned 7. It’s been a hobby of mine for over 20 years now. (kind of scary when I think it’s been that long) Sometimes, I like to make it sleep and pretend that I’m using the force to make it return to my hand. I am some kind of super dweeb by the way.


Glo said...

Look, dude, I was no where near the theater, so the wide-eyed, when will that crazy stalker jump out at me look was completely unnecessary. You've gotta get past the whole thing.

You make me laugh. But I disagree abut Sam. He was just laid back. That chica who gets killed on the flower planet before she even draws a light saber was the world's least convincing Jedi.

Jon said...

What can I say? I’m still a little edgy since our last encounter. And I’ll admit, that chick went down like fighter taking a dive. I think she was on the take. Look, I like Sam, but as a Jedi master, I just felt his swordplay needed some serious work.

Jon said...

Oh, and by the way, your ridiculously quick comment to my post only verifies just how good your surveillance of my apartment is. That’s stalker 101 kids, pay attention, you’re watching a master craftsman at work here.

omar said...

I'm with you on Sam. Perhaps it's because I think of "Jules" from Pulp Fiction every time I see him. Or maybe it's his horrible emotionless acting in the movie.

Frankly, I think Ewan McGregor is the only one in either of the last two movies who acted with any personality.

I saw someone today (day 4 that it was out) coming to the theater with a light saber. I expect that opening day, but day 4?

Jon said...

Yeah, on opening day, anything goes, but by day four, things should have mellowed out. And if you see someone still dressed up, they should be avoided because they probably haven’t left the theater since opening night and the B.O. will be tremendous.

And I think most people would agree that the dialog was down right painful at times. Ewan McGregor is easily the most likeable. I like Sam, but as a Jedi Master, it was believable up until he started “fighting.”

Jack Safety said...

I saw the movie too. I went twice, but only say it once (story here).
I liked it, but I groaned every time Natalie Portman was on screen. She is a fine actress. I loved her in Garden State. I think it must be the grandly wooden lines she was given. Fucking Lucas. Greedo shot first my ass...

Oh yeah, I have firefox set to automatically load several sites when it first starts up. Among them is this here blog. So next time you look at your stats and see that I'm loading yer page 5-10 times a day, thats just my inconsiderate and lazy ass auto loading yer page with Firefox.

Jon said...

Jack: I can live with that. Anything to pad the numbers. I agree though, if anyone truly suffered more than anyone else with Lucas’ writing (if that’s what you want to call it) it was Natalie Portman. Perhaps when the movie comes out on DVD (and I assume the only way it will be available is in some sort of ridiculously over priced 6 movie special edition box set) there will be all kinds of extras with the cast doing take after take, because no one can seem to make it through a single scene without stopping and looking at the camera and saying, “you have got to be kidding me. I’m not going to say this, it’s terrible. Can’t I just ad lib something? I mean, we all know where the story is going.”

Jon said...

So here’s something you didn’t need to know: I think the title of this post may be my favorite post title I’ve come up with so far. On the whole, I’d say my post titles have been lacking. Don’t worry though, I’ve got a team of writers working on it round the clock and by gum, we are going to kick out some winners here in the next few weeks!

Cate said...

Fabulous post title! I think it should be a t-shirt: "Now with more Wookies!"

Ah, Lesson 5 - especially pertinent for those "big" movies when you wait in line for a long time. The key is to make friends with your neighbors and have them save your seat while you make that last-minute bathroom run.

In general, the actors did really well with Lucas's generally bad dialogue. There were only a couple times where it was truly bad: Obi-wan -- "I can't watch any more." Anakin -- "I am overwhelmed." and any time he calls someone "Master" (but that may have been deliberate).

omar said...

I try to give the actors the benefit of the doubt. They are acting in front of green screens pretty much the entire time, and they are asked to engage in dialog with characters that aren't really there, they haven't yet been digitally created. It has to be tough. But they were still all pretty bad.

Jon said...

For as much as I can complain about the acting and the dialog, the fact is, I still had a great time. The movie did what it was supposed to, it entertained me. I still got a huge kick out of watching Yoda flip around with the light saber and in general, I enjoyed all the action sequences. I read some people complaining about how they were too “busy” but honestly, that’s what I loved about them, there was just a lot to see. I look forward to wasting an entire weekend watching all of them back to back to back to back to back to back.

girlspit said...

Absolutely. When it finally comes out on DVD I won't leave my house for, like, 48 hours.

But seriously. You have to expect the dialogue to suck ass. I mean, it's Star Wars. God forbid Lucas hire a real writer to do the story justice.

I seriously laughed during every single love scene. "You're breaking my heart! Boo hoo hooo!"

How can you NOT laugh at that?