Tuesday, May 24, 2005

The Problem with a Stale Democratic System

My body and I are having a rather heated debate. I’ve always been pretty liberal when it comes to my body’s decision making process. When the left side of my chest vetoed the hair bill in post pubescent Jon and the right side passed it with the very narrowest of margins (it would seem as thought the strongest support came from the nipple region), I shrugged it off as the growing pains of a democratic body. When lactose was abolished back in the early days, I figured my body had its reasons. And even when the asthma act of ’87 was fully enforced one summer day in 1989, I gave my body the benefit of the doubt when I decided I really didn’t want to run that day anyway; and how else was I going to get one of those fashionably hip inhalers? (all the ladies were like, “Hey, check out Jon, what’s that enormous bulge in his pants?” “Well ladies, that’s just my super cool, ultra hip albuterol inhaler. See, I can’t take more then a few steps without puffing on this bad boy a few times otherwise I’ll collapse in a super sexy, wheezy heap of manly hyperventilation.” But it’s been over 27 years now, and there is still one issue that refuses to be addressed.

Every time I get sick, without hesitation, the only solution my body ever seems to come up with is snot. No matter what the illness is, snot is the only answer my body ever provides. This has become more than unacceptable. I don’t even know how I keep producing this stuff by the gallon, hour after hour after hour. Shouldn’t I be seriously dehydrated or something? How have I not lost at least 35 lbs today? And you know what? The massive quantities of snot manufactured by my body have never, not even once, solved the problem! I’m bordering on outrage right now. Let’s look at the pros: None.

Ok, let’s look at the cons: 1. Can’t sleep because I spend all night flipping back and forth from my right side to my left in vain attempt to keep the snot from pouring out all over my pillow throughout the night and also trying to switch off nostrils I breath through so as not to make one so ridiculously raw that every breath feels like fire being shot up my nose. 2. Can’t work because I’m constantly soaking up the mucus, not that it matters anyway because the horrifying volume of liquid coming out is also causing my eyes to water so bad I can’t see the monitor anyway. And no one’s even talking to the freak with tissues shoved up his nose, eyes watering all over everything, face all puffy and red except to say, “you look like hell, go home.” “Really, ‘cause I feel like aces right now! On account of the snot is just oozing away all the badness!” 3. Can’t eat because I can’t taste anything and the effort it takes to keep snot off of, well, pretty much everything, is a 24/7 nightmare. 4. When has it ever been fun to constantly clean out your nose? (please, I do not want any answers to this question. It is the quintessential rhetorical question. Quintessential, do you hear me?)

Ok, 4-0, cons win. Not as dominating as I would have liked, but I think you get the picture. The final snot solution is not one that works and I’d like to see a little more creativity in the health department of my body. (I’m talking about you Immune System!!)

I’ve called for an emergency session of congress to see if we can’t have snot banned once and for all, but I fear the problem lies deeper than that. The last thing I want to do is trigger an all out snot coup wherein snot reigns supreme, day and night, always with the snot. Damn you snot!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!

A few notes: That whole inhaler thing probably should have been deleted. I’ve been informed by the censors that it could be considered slightly distasteful. The Asthma Act was all but abolished by 1995. The only thing that brings it back is the carcinogenic hell that is cigarette smoke. I’ve actually been told that I have well above average lung capacity (I totally brag about this all the time even though I know it’s not polite to point out other people’s lack of blowing power.). I’m also hoping that the title of this post will bring in some new readers from random google searches. I imagine they’ll stay less than 5 seconds (Statcounter will confirm this) but it’ll look good under the unique visitors statistics.

Ok, I’ve got some “stuff” to do. And if you read this post at all, then you know exactly what “stuff” means.

20 comments:

cadiz12 said...

pobrecito.

however, it sounds like your problem is the use of proper channels. by the time you wait through all the filibustering and long-winded speeches, you'll have drowned in a puddle of your own mucus.

i'd say soak it up with some kleenex until you can get your hands on some very good drugs.

where the hell is management when you need it?

girlspit said...

I have two words for you: diphenhydramine hydrochloride. Or, more colloquially, Benadryl. It'll dry that crap right up and knock you out for at least six hours.

I intend to distribute it liberally to my children when they become unruly.

You could go with pseudoephedrine, but it's a primary ingredient of crystal methamphetamine, which cannot be a good thing.

Chin up, you're getting snot on the keyboard.

jazz said...

snot coup. not snot coo. but i forgive you because i thought this was clever.

omar said...

I must say, I never expected this to be about snot based on the title. Nice work.

Jon said...

Cadiz: The filibustering is rampant and needs to be stopped. If I have to listen to one more 7 hour dissertation on the advantages of a snot based society, I’m going to shoot myself. Management, as usual is pointing fingers and taking vacations.

Girlspit: This is when I become my most annoying. Everyone says I look like hell and I should take something, but I say I’m fine and I don’t need anything. I don’t like to take drugs of any sort. Beneficial or not, I hate anything that dulls my senses. When I had my wisdom teeth removed, I refused to take the Vicodin the prescribed me. I don’t like to pretend to feel better, I like to know when I actually do feel better.

Jasmine: You are correct, I make no excuses. I’m a terrible speller. I fixed it though. I’m always willing to correct my mistakes. Of course, sometimes I like to unnecessarily defend them. Like in this case, I may have been inclined to say I meant “snot coo” as in, “oh, look at the cute little snotty snot snot! You’re such cute little snot, yes you are!” I went with the first one today, but tomorrow, who knows?

Omar: Thank you! I make every effort to mislead the public whenever possible.

cadiz12 said...

jon, i know you're trying to be all machoman-i-don't-need-drugs, but take it from someone who plays that card often, sometimes that makes things worse. like when i hurt my wrist and refused to take the pain medication, it took about twice as long to heal b/c the meds would have kept the swelling down.

think of all the laundry you'll be saving yourself if you dry out this snot problem sooner rather than later.

Adrian said...

Hey bru- when in doubt, double up on the OJ!

If pink shirts on men can become sexy, then I am CONVINCED that one day the mass mucous producers of this world will enter the 'Sex Legends Hall of Fame...'

Patience is the key!

Good luck anyway!!

Jon said...

Cadiz: It’s not machomanlyness, it’s just plain stubbornness. I’m actually a very quick healer. I’ve never been one to swell. (accept when I pierced my tongue, for three days it was huge, but after that, very normal.) You recall the hamstring? That was supposed to be anywhere from 4 to 8 weeks, but I was fine after 2. Haven’t felt even a twinge since.

Adrian: Funny you should mention it, but usually at the first hint (and I like to think I notice right away) I always take a few vitamin C’s in the 500 mg variety. I rarely get sick, but every once in awhile, it catches me. As for the S.L. HofF, well, I don’t think I’d qualify because I’m pretty sure you have to actually have sex at least some of the time. It’s been about 2 ½ years since the last time, and I’m in no hurry. Not for lack of interest on my part, it’s just not my motivation, if that makes any sense. That doesn’t really jibe with my Scorpio stereotype, but I’ve never been one to follow the rules. Well, I think I’ve released entirely too much info about myself for now.

girlspit said...

See, this is where we differ Jon. If there's something out there that makes me better, even for just 4-6 hours, I take it. When I suffer, I'm whiny and bitchy. I see my taking OTC meds as a public service.

Jon said...

It’s all a matter of perspective I guess. I don’t get headaches, well, almost never anyway, so I’ve never been able to justify meds for that. Plus, I heard a long time ago on one of those reports that supposed to scare you from living that taking headache medication could actually help perpetuate future headaches. I don’t know if it’s true or not, but it was enough to keep me away. And all other snot inducing illnesses are always short lived, so I don’t have to put up with it for long. I think I’m funnier when I’m sick too, but that’s just my opinion. I take stuff when I have to though, like in high school, when I got pneumonia, the doctor gave me some antibiotics that I needed to take. He said he sees about 4 cases a year of that particular brand of pneumonia and if it had been 50 years ago, I most certainly would have died because back then, there would have been nothing they could have done. This of course cheered me right up. Hooray for modern medicine I shouted. Ok, maybe not really, and I’m rambling again…

Jack Safety said...

yes. yes you are.
also:

im back from my hike and im sore all over and i took half a bottle of ibuprophen but the only thing that happened was i got a headache so i can do nothing but agree with that theory regarding headache relief pills and so i will stop purchasing them but no not really because im addicted and i probably go through a whole 800 pill bottle every month and there is nothing that i can do because i am ALWAYS hurting especially in my head and im sick of it and i want it to stop but it never does so i think i am starting to go crazy but lot like anyone would really ever notice because if there is one word that my friends would use to describe me it would BE crazy so ill just continue on freaking out and going nuts with no one the wiser until i do something SO insane that the whole world will have to notice and that will probably end me up on TV and i hate the idea of being a tool used by television to draw viewers to watch ads to make the companies money so that they can buy big cars to waste lots of gas and give people just one more excuse for voting for bush and give bush one more excuse for going to war even thought he doesnt actually say its an excuse everyone says that its his reason but they dont realise that he is really just doing it to impress daddy because he is a sad individual that will never grow up and will continue to misspronounce every other word that is scripted for him but half of america will forgive him for it because he is a good 'ol boy and a christian and so he cant be THAT bad and he can only do our country good because he believes in jesus and jesus is wonderful and will save us all from eternal pain and torture for no other reason they because you beleived in him and felt sad after you got done cheating on your wife and you swear that you wont do it again and two seconds later you are doing lines of coke off of what is basicly a glorified hooker's ass in a expensive hotel room in las vegas then go downstairs and gamble claiming that you are doing it for fun but you are really just addicted and giving your money to organised crime through casino's just like you did through the coke and the glorified hooker but its ok because you are in las vegas and what happens in vegas stays in vegas so feel free to sin your jesus loving ass of because a commercial says its ok and that no one will ever know but really no one you know would care because they are all out doing the same and even your wife wont care as long as you provide her the money to dess herself and her home in the latest styles and you continue to fuel HER coke habit and give her a nice big car to drive to church in on sundays and then go exploit under payed workers to do everything for her while she goes and gets military grade poison injected into her face so that she can look nice and creepy while poorer but still upper class women have to resort to crash dieting and coke or even meth to love skinny and young and stay awake for three days to take care of the kids she never wanted but only had for the sake of image because children are SOOOO in right now and even if they will be out of style in three years you can pay some private school to take care of them and not prepare them for life so that when they get out on their own they cant survive and end up working as manager's at you local IHOP until they are 50 and are so sick of their life that they just shoot themsleves to end the kind of pain that couldnt be stopped by ibuprohen even if the damn pills worked in the first place.

Jon said...

Jack: You’re right, ibuprofen is truly the root of all evil and run on sentences. Until we find a real solution, there’s always this: http://www.thetransplants.com/

That’s a prime example of my inexplicable musical taste.

cadiz12 said...

whoa.

after that comment, i have no idea what i was going to say. however, that run-on sentence was lovely. i didn't get lost once.

but jack, maybe you should ease up a little on the ibuprofen. they say meditation works wonders. and maybe if you're concentrating enough on your Chi, you won't be as easily irritated by words like 'nucular.'

Jon said...

Yeah, Jack really covered all the bases with that comment. I do feel it necessary to point out though that “nucular” is one of my all time pet peeve words. It’s nuclear damn it!!!! Why is that so hard to say?? I feel like I’m taking crazy pills here!! (and borrowing lines from movies)

Jack Safety said...

I love run on sentences. I practice them regularly. I'm quite proud of that one though.

Jack Safety said...

Ha!
own3d

Cate said...

This song appeared randomly in my head yesterday evening, and I realized it could only be becuase of you, jon, and the snot post.

Ray Stevens singing "...so go hear Ned Nostril and his South Seas Paradise, put your blues on ice, cheap at twice the price band. they're the best in the land. booked solid and in demand..."

I blame it on you, jon.

Jon said...

Cate: It’s a little known fact that I am one of the most influential and persuasive persons on the face of the planet. Consequently, I get blamed for many things. This is relatively minor compared to some of the others; therefore, I accept this blame from you.

Jack: Nice work, but seriously, get some sleep.

omar said...

I'm just catching up, and wow. That was an amazingly long sentence. Perhaps the longest I've ever read. Hats off to you, jack.

Jack Safety said...

oh hey! those transplant guys aint half bad