Sunday, May 15, 2005

This was even more uncalled for.

First, I’d just like to say that if I didn’t have two monitors, I would probably have developed a serious case of mouse neck from clicking back and forth on all the comments and rereading of the original post. This is pretty long, and thanks to Statcounter, I’ll know exactly how many people actually read this most recent edition of logorrhea.

Without further ado, even though I’m sure of you could use a little more ado, here are the answers and so much more…

1. My name (Jon, for those of you that have forgotten already) is actually short for Jonathan, and I didn’t just forget the unnecessary “H.”

Answer: This is actually true. I have made surprisingly little attempt to anonymize (by the way, I’m pretty sure “anonymize” isn’t a word.) myself here on this blog. My full name is Jonathan but pretty much nobody calls me that. I have always gone by Jon though. Congrats to everyone for getting this one right. I heard a lot of complaining about how hard the test was, but so far, so good.

2. When I go to pick up food from a restaurant and they ask me what name it’s under, I tell them Jon. Then, when they bring my food to me, it almost always has my name written down like this: “Jonh.”

Answer: This, unfortunately, is also very true. It’s happened to me several times now and I cannot for the life of me explain it. It defies all logic and it makes my head hurt. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes emotions get the better of me and I break down. What the hell is going on in the public schools these days? That’s not what I want to know, that’s what I NEED to know.

3. My middle name is Henry, and when I reveal this information to anyone, a barbershop quartet appears from out of nowhere and sings, “Jon Henrrrrry, Jon Henry! He might not look tough but don’t give him no guff! His name’s Jon Henrrrrrry!!!”

Answer: Admittedly, this was a trick question. Omar is the only one that gets partial credit on this one. It is not in fact a barbershop quartet that appears. I didn’t count on Omar’s statistical background, and I didn’t have statcounter yet, so I underestimated the believability of this question. The truth is, it’s actually an 80’s cover band (not 70’s funk or barbershop quartet) that appears with a puff of smoke. I am immediately cloaked in a pink blazer with sleeves that are a little too short and my hair is moused up to perfection ala Vanilla Ice. I take a wide stance and cross my arms as a man behind me wails out synthesized melodies on his guitar shaped keyboard. He begins with a five minute 3 note solo that makes everyone a little uncomfortable and then screams the lyrics out like he’s the lead singer of The Cure. And that’s how I live my life. Honest.

4. When I was seven years old, I was involved in a freak biking accident that, tragically, left me unable to ever dance again.

Answer: This is false. I’ve tried to play it off as the truth, but some of you have seen right through my clever façade. The truth is, in 1984 at age 7, I was not in a tragic bicycling accident, no, I am way too awesome for that. However, I did watch the movie Footloose and became a vehement supporter of the bible-thumping minister who was attempting to keep the evil dancing out of the small town community. To my knowledge, I am the only person that views this movie as an example of how things can go wrong when kids start dancing.

5. In my senior year of high school, as an exorcize in breaking norms for sociology class, I brought a huge bucket of water into my first period marine biology class and midway through the period, proceeded to shampoo and rinse my hair.

Answer: This is true. I also sported a giant sandwich board, advertising for the “Anti-Utter Association,” a proud tradition of the lactose intolerant. I became mildly well known for my exploits that year and every once in a while, I run into someone from high school that still remembers it. In a somewhat related note to question 4, I often point back to this and many other examples of how I have absolutely no problem making a complete fool out of myself and that not wanting to dance has nothing to do with me being afraid to look stupid.

6. I was captain of my high school tennis team in spite of the fact that I never started a match. My teammates just had that much respect for me.

Answer: This is true. Sorry Omar, I will admit that it is very rare, but we had a great group of down to earth guys. My high school was not very competitive in the way of tennis, so I wouldn’t say that we had any premier athletes. I don’t complain and I work hard in practice. I was one of three seniors on the team that year, and the other two played a lot. As a gesture of respect, they all voted me team captain. Truth is often stranger than fiction. I never started a match, but I was always ready in case someone got hurt. That never happened either.

7. When I was a little kid, my favorite TV show was “The Dukes of Hazzard,” but deep down inside, I really wanted to be a stunt man/ bounty hunter like Lee Majors in “The Fall Guy”

Answer: This is true. Colt Seavers was my idol for quite some time. I grew up with “The Fall Guy,” “The A-Team,” “Airwolf,” “Hardcastle & McCormick,” “Nighthawk,” “Knight Rider,” “The Greatest American Hero,” “Starsky and Hutch,” “Magnum P.I.” “Rip Tide,” and of course, “The Dukes of Hazzard.” Seriously, what was the deal with action shows that revolved around vehicles? You just don’t see shows like that anymore. I still want to be a stunt man. I think that’s easily one of the coolest jobs ever, but I’m a bit of a thrill seeker. (Note, I also watched a lot of other shows, but they didn’t really fit in with the “vehicle” theme. Like, “The Incredible Hulk,” “Wonder Woman,” “The Six Million Dollar Man,” “The Bionic Woman,” “Simon and Simon,” and “Remington Steel.” … I miss that kind of TV. Now everything has to be so “reality” based. Not me, I’ll take an ex-marine living with a ridiculously rich writer that we never get to see but lets him drive his Ferrari all over Hawaii. Or remember that one episode of Knight Rider that ended with K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Two Thousand, come on, don’t question me.) and Goliath in a head on collision?? What DRAMA!!!

8. I got kicked out of preschool for not being potty trained.

Answer: This is true. I don’t want to talk about it.

9. I got kicked out of 5th grade for not being potty trained.

Answer: This is not true. But I love the fact that nobody had any problems accepting this.

10. I got kicked out of college for not being potty trained.

Answer: Also not true, but I found myself smiling throughout the day with the repeated image of my parents, the principle and myself having the same recurring conversation about my inability to potty train. Only I just keep getting older, but I’m still in diapers and without shame, I soil my pants in the middle of every single one of these meetings. The older I get, the more people try to be polite, but it’s hard to ignore the rank stench emanating from pants. I am sick in the head, if that hasn’t already been made apparent.

11. I’m in the process of being fired from my current job for not being potty trained.

Answer: This is also not true. Jack was all too quick to point out that it would in fact be discrimination and they would not be able to fire me. But what he didn’t know is that it is seemingly impossible to get fired from my company anyway. We have people who sit and play checkers online all day and they get paid for it. I really wish I were kidding about that, but sadly, I am not.

12. I’m one year away from my 10 year high school reunion and in order to prepare for this, I’ve been frequenting the alumni website and spreading rumors that I’ve gained over 450 lbs, that way when I show up, no matter how pathetic the rest of my life might be, it will look like an amazing success story combined with my unbelievable loss of “weight.”

Answer: Unfortunately, this is not true. I really wish it were though. I would do this if I didn’t actually know people that this happened to. But I know that they will not be loosing the weight, thus it will not be funny for them. I have a freakish metabolism. My weight has not fluctuate more than +/- 3lbs since my Junior year in high school. My dad was the same way into his early 40’s, so I’m going to see how far I can take this. Until then, I know that I will be looked down upon by those that do not have this gift. I apologize for being a genetic freak, I really do.

13. At age 3, I set the world record for tri-cycling around the world. I did it in just a shade under 2 days… It would have been faster, but I didn’t train as hard as I should have through my terrible 2’s and consequently the Himalayas presented a little bit more of a problem than I would have liked.

Answer: This is not true. But only because I was not given my first tri-cycle until age 4. At that point in time, I was working through my potty training and was filled with so much frustration and aggression that I did a lot of running to work it out. I was a cardiovascular miracle, and I easily cruised around the world in a little over 4 hours. I had special pontoons added to the frame and paddles that extended out of the front tire for those of you that are thinking, “What about the ocean?” I had considered just holding my breath and riding across the ocean floor, but this was back in the early 80’s and the cold war was still in full swing so I didn’t want to risk an international event by being an unidentified object moving at high speed towards China and accidentally kick off a nuclear war.

14. The first and only time I saw the movie “Dumb and Dumber” was at a free screening two months before its national release when it had a different ending.

Answer: This is true. I have not avoided this movie in the least and thought it was absolutely hilarious when I saw it, save for the ending which everyone in the theater thought was pretty weak. (Probably why they changed it.) The original ending that I saw was a very cheesy Hollywood goodbye ending. Very not funny and very unmemorable. I’ve seen bits and pieces every now and again, but never sat through it all the way for a second time. The timing just hasn’t worked out, you know?

In a side note that nobody cares about, my roommate loves this movie. She named her cats Harry and Lloyd. These cats could not be more aptly named. Harry is notorious for taking naps in the sink and when you want to get him out, you might think that all you have to do is turn on the water, but that line of thinking would be incorrect. He just sits there, water pouring all over him, and stares back at you as if to say, “something changed, but I don’t know what it is…”

15. My favorite color is orange… but I like to pronounce it “purple.”

Answer: This is false. I only pronounce it one way. I say orange like everyone else.

16. When listening to any kind of music, the only thing that truly matters to me is whether or not I like the sound of the lead singers voice.

Answer: This is true. Sorry Jack, but let me explain. When it comes to music, I was raised around a pretty good variety. Consequently, I developed an appreciation for all different kinds of instruments. (My favorite instrument is the trumpet by the way) I was also brought up with a very open mind, so the words that are being sung rarely, if ever, offend me and I’m willing to listen to what anyone has to say. When you take away those things, all I’m left with is the sound of the lead singers voice. There is no means to the madness when it comes to the voice either, as is usually the case in matters of taste. Currently, the three people I can listen to all day and never get sick of are, in no particular order: Jack Johnson, Norah Jones and Roger Clyne. Those three actually have talent (in my opinion), but there are others I like that don’t have what you might call a “classically trained” voice, like Tim Armstrong from Rancid or Mike Ness from Social Distortion.

17. I was in the marching band my freshman year in high school where I played the trumpet.

Answer: This is true. I quit the band after my freshman year because (hold on to your hats for this one) it wasn’t fun. It could have been, but the band director at the time made sure it more closely resembled a living hell. He was very good at what he did. This is where I started to develop my love of the trumpet (and not coincidentally my hatred of marching bands) and I kind of regret putting it down. It was very hard on my teeth though.

18. I have worn a St. Louis Rams pin every day since my junior year in high school. I am one of their most loyal fans.

Answer: This is true. There have been no such days Jack. It’s become a constant running joke amongst my friends. To see me without it would be to see me naked, which, oddly enough, is how I swim. I do not swim very often. I probably swim about once every 12 years.

19. I grew up at a private Christian school and went to church every Sunday all the way through junior college, which is why no one is surprised when I tell them that I don’t believe in God.

Answer: This is true. However, I don’t really like to advertise my religious beliefs and I almost regret putting this in here.

20. I have only been drunk twice in my life and if all goes according to plan, the number of times being drunk will stay at 2.

Answer: This, as unbelievable as it may sound, is true. I do not, however, think it is in any way admirable. I am in no way against drinking, I just don’t like to do it. My roommate is convinced that my distaste for alcohol stems from the fact that alcohol has never gotten me laid. Very few things in this world have gotten me laid, so if I applied that same logic to everything else in this world, I would hate pretty much everything. Perhaps I revealed a little too much there, but I’m pretty sure no one is reading this far, which is why I will also say that I swim more often than I have sex.

21. My motto has always been, “If you can’t beat them, die trying.”

Answer: This is false. It is, however, my attitude in most situations. I’m not a quitter by nature, but this is pretty “motivational speaker.”

22. My motto has always been, “Live by the golden rule: He who has all the gold is much slower because gold is heavy and if you have a lot of it, it’s just going to slow you down.”

Answer: This is true. It looks really sweet on a t-shirt too.

23. I introduced the world to the word “bappared.”

Answer: This is true. Bappared is defined as the flat portion of the outside of a powdered doughnut you would buy at the super market. I developed this word when my mother was questioning my unwillingness to eat the last doughnut in the box. I explained to her that it was inedible “because it was bappared.” My mother did not learn the definition until several years later when in an overly dramatic and exasperated fashion she shook me and demanded, “What the hell does bappared mean?!!?!”

24. This list is getting too long.

Answer: This is true, and it’s only gotten worse since I put the answers in here.

25. I have never made a list longer than 25 items.

Answer: This is false. Out of habit, most of my lists usually number 1,053. I guess I just got lazy with this one. (I’m such a shoe in for slacker of the decade!! Which will go nicely with my Procrastinator of the Decade award!)

Alright, lets go ahead and look at the scores…

Jasmine: F-. I just felt like you weren’t even trying.

Girlspit: C+. When I looked over your test, I noticed a very distinct pattern. You got more than half of them right though, so if you’re satisfied with that, I guess I am too.

Omar: B-. Not bad, but I can’t help but feel like you were holding back. You are doing very well in the class though, so this didn’t hurt you much.

Jack: B+. Highest score in the class. Well done, but I’m going to have to ask you to quit stalking me. Thanks! (Oh yeah, would have been an A- but I did have to deduct for spelling and grammar. I’m an English major (which has surprisingly little to do with spelling and grammar) so you understand, right?)

Cadiz12: B-. I put you with Omar in that I felt you could have done better if you would just apply yourself and memorize everything that I say and do.

Ok, that’s it for today. Please read chapter 7: “Why Blog Posts Shouldn’t be Ridiculously Long” tonight for our next class.


Jack Safety said...

W... I most certainly will not!

Jon said...

I had to ask… you understand, right?

Jack Safety said...

its good to see im not the only one up at midnight on blogger.
Also: where can I get that job? i am rox at playing around online all day.

cadiz12 said...

my method of staying up all night, cramming, is tried and true. lack of sleep really does a mind good. or i just refuse to believe it doesn't. at the very least, it's not going to screw up my g.p.a. -- is this a weighted class?

Jon said...

Oddly enough, I always thought I did better when I was tired. I felt much more lucid and I didn’t have to try as hard to get the answers out of my head. And you need at least a C in this class for it to count towards you major.

Jon said...

Damn you anonymous!!! Damn you!!!!!

cadiz12 said...

what the hell is this link-a-lot crap? i got it too. is it some fugly blogvirus thing? that someone who is linked to us signs up and we get these annoying comments?

Jon said...

yeah, I don't like it as much as you might think. In fact I hate it. I will investigate it tomorrow, while I'm at work and getting paid for it.

cadiz12 said...

you sure you can't get steve to take care of it?

Jack Safety said...

fortunately no one reads my blog so im safe!

omar said...

No more anonymous comments?! What am I supposed to do now when I'm looking for something that really works?

(David Mc, I think I went to high school with him. He was an ass.)

Jon said...

Omar, I know it’s going to be hard, but I guess you’ll just have to rely on pop up ads, commercials, billboards, sky writing, spam, telemarketers, on-screen sponsors and good old fashion word of mouth for all the latest on the best pyramid schemes available. (by the way, am I the only one that finds it odd that my sisters get all the penis enlargement spam and I get all the breast enlargement spam? Granted, I have an extremely flat chest, but I don’t need anyone to point it out.)

ps. I think David Mc was not satisfied with simply being an ass, he want's to be an ass among asses. And Gelene, I will not be having a nice day, thanks largely in part to you. What the hell kind of name is Gelene anyway? (oh, I can't wait to see his/her (I'm really not sure, but I lean towards her) comment about that....)

cadiz12 said...

okay, so has putting it in a separate window helped you?

i'm not even supposed to be checking this early, but it's driving me nuts.

maybe we have to change templates? maybe someone is jealous of our love for dukes of hazzard and wants to bring us down?

cadiz12 said...

find anything out yet?

from what i can tell, we're the only ones who haven't gotten around to linking people yet. maybe this means the others have this *virus* too, but b/c they've linked around it passes through? i guess i'm going to have to get off my lazy ass and try that? do you think that'd work?
it took me 20 min to clear off all those annoying anons.

girlspit said...

There's something to be said for marking "C" on every single scantron answer. At least I passed.

Although, I must admit I seriously doubted that you would get fired for pooping your pants.

No one would get fired for that at my job, either. They'd just send you to employee health. Or maybe the "employee assistance program" which is secret code for: we think you're nuts so we're sending you to a shrink.

Melanie said...

Very cute blog!! It's not something I would normally read, but I keep finding myself here. Hey, if for some odd reason you ever decide to link me, can I please, please be "The Psycho Ninja"?? later.

Jon said...

As I have said many times in the past, this blog is all about being cute. I take great pains to make sure it is among the top cutest blogs on the net. It’s nice to see my efforts are not in vain. I will give your blog a thorough going over to see if it can make the cut. Do not be discouraged if you don’t see a link right away. The review process can sometimes takes weeks. I am lazy.