What would you do?

I’m beginning to wonder if my downstairs neighbor has some form of IBS. The bathrooms were inexplicably designed with no windows, so they all have extremely noisy fans installed in them that turn on when the light is turned on. This means that every time a person uses the bathroom, I know about it. That works in reverse too I assume. To my knowledge, the downstairs neighbor is a single mom with just the one small baby (as opposed to the neighbor across the hall that has 5 gigantic babies. Seriously, these kids are so huge they don’t walk or crawl anywhere, they just roll.). So as far as I know, she is the only person who would be turning the bathroom light on and off. This happens several times a night for fairly lengthy periods of time. Granted, I’m not a woman, but I’ve lived with many, and this behavior is not something I’m familiar with in a healthy adult.

Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’s addicted to crack and doesn’t like doing it in front of the baby because, you know, she wants to be a good role model. She also has an extremely loud phone. I should not be able to hear her dial phone numbers. Especially not at 1 or 3 AM.

I’ve considered drilling a hole, 5 inches in diameter, in the floor to get a better look at what’s going on below, but then I thought, “No, that’s just wrong. My landlord would totally take that out of my security deposit and I just can’t afford that.” Plan B is just to ignore it. Plan C involves me dressing up like a gorilla and pretending to deliver a singing telegram at 2:25 AM. Plan D is probably the trickiest because I would have to find a way to put the entire apartment building up on jacks so I could crawl underneath and install several surveillance cameras. Plan E was just horrible from the get-go. There’s no way I’m going to fake my own death and leave as my dying wish that I want to be buried in the downstairs neighbor’s bathroom. The logistics of that one are simply horrific. Plan F doesn’t have any legs either, there’s simply no way I’m going to be able to get hold of enough anti-matter to freeze time for that long. I haven’t made any final decisions yet; those always come from my sacred chimney with a puff of smoke. (An idea the Catholics totally ripped off from me for deciding on new popes.) I like Plan D, I’m always up for a good challenge, but in the end, I’ll probably just go with Plan B because I’m predictable and boring.

Patent Pending

Am I the only one out there that cannot sleep when the temperature goes above 70 degrees? That seems to be my threshold. Anything above that and I’ll be up all night tossing and turning, never sleeping. I also like to have a heavy blanket on top of me, so I really need it to be cooler than that. I love being curled up under a warm blanket on a cold night. It’s much easier for me to sleep like that, or maybe it’s just the hypothermia setting in, I’m not sure.

My roommate and I don’t see eye to eye on this one. Mainly because she’s a few inches taller than me, but I have a feeling that even if she weren’t, her color contacts would still make it hard for us to connect on this. She likes it to be unbearably hot so that she can sweat a lot at night or something. I don’t, I like it nice and cool. Rather than close the AC vent in her room, she much prefers to turn it off all together in the middle of the night. I’ll wake up around 2:30 or 3, all sweaty and spend the rest of the night miserable, tossing and turning. It’s not as much fun as it sounds.

I know what you’re thinking, why don’t I just go slip her some sleeping pills and turn the AC back on. Well, I’ve thought about that, and while I don’t think she’d file a lawsuit against me, if she found out, she would most certainly kick my butt. She is much bigger and stronger than I and I am not a fighter by any means. Yes, I am a ninja, but I am one of the rare non-fighting breeds of ninja. I use my ninja skills for many things, including but not limited to: chair balancing, card house building, penny flicking, trick yo-ing, freestyle walking, juggling, Frisbee throwing and indoor nerf basketball. However, I do not use the way of the ninja to fight.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that I have vaulted ceilings, so when it comes to indoor nerf basketball, I’m probably the best in the world, if not the galaxy. I practice every day for somewhere in the neighborhood of 8 hours. I have my coach come in for the first three hours and break down any inconsistencies in my game, then the following two hours are dedicated solely to my midrange jumper. After that, I put the ball down and focus on my footwork for an hour. The last two hours I practice what I like to call, “The Two Minute Drill,” wherein I imagine every possible situation I could be in with two minutes left to play and how I would get out of it. Like say, for instance, what if I were down by 151 points with only two minutes to play. What would you do? Well, I have devised a strategy in which I score 152 points in two minutes while giving up 0. Thus I win the game by 1 point. It’s a brilliant plan if you ask me. Which you did, because I was there, and you specifically asked me what I thought of that plan.

**As a side note, it has become increasingly more difficult for me to post lately because I’ve been pretty grouchy. It’s my job, I don’t like it all that much right now. And I’d rather not turn this blog into one giant complaint about my life. I don’t think that would be too cool. (and believe me, I’ve heard all kinds of arguments to the contrary. The “Complaining is Cool” campaign just rolled through town, and the summer conference on The Value of Venting isn’t far behind) So seriously, if anyone knows of a job opening for a millionaire playboy, please let me know, I’m very interested. This concludes the side note.**

The Problem with a Stale Democratic System

My body and I are having a rather heated debate. I’ve always been pretty liberal when it comes to my body’s decision making process. When the left side of my chest vetoed the hair bill in post pubescent Jon and the right side passed it with the very narrowest of margins (it would seem as thought the strongest support came from the nipple region), I shrugged it off as the growing pains of a democratic body. When lactose was abolished back in the early days, I figured my body had its reasons. And even when the asthma act of ’87 was fully enforced one summer day in 1989, I gave my body the benefit of the doubt when I decided I really didn’t want to run that day anyway; and how else was I going to get one of those fashionably hip inhalers? (all the ladies were like, “Hey, check out Jon, what’s that enormous bulge in his pants?” “Well ladies, that’s just my super cool, ultra hip albuterol inhaler. See, I can’t take more then a few steps without puffing on this bad boy a few times otherwise I’ll collapse in a super sexy, wheezy heap of manly hyperventilation.” But it’s been over 27 years now, and there is still one issue that refuses to be addressed.

Every time I get sick, without hesitation, the only solution my body ever seems to come up with is snot. No matter what the illness is, snot is the only answer my body ever provides. This has become more than unacceptable. I don’t even know how I keep producing this stuff by the gallon, hour after hour after hour. Shouldn’t I be seriously dehydrated or something? How have I not lost at least 35 lbs today? And you know what? The massive quantities of snot manufactured by my body have never, not even once, solved the problem! I’m bordering on outrage right now. Let’s look at the pros: None.

Ok, let’s look at the cons: 1. Can’t sleep because I spend all night flipping back and forth from my right side to my left in vain attempt to keep the snot from pouring out all over my pillow throughout the night and also trying to switch off nostrils I breath through so as not to make one so ridiculously raw that every breath feels like fire being shot up my nose. 2. Can’t work because I’m constantly soaking up the mucus, not that it matters anyway because the horrifying volume of liquid coming out is also causing my eyes to water so bad I can’t see the monitor anyway. And no one’s even talking to the freak with tissues shoved up his nose, eyes watering all over everything, face all puffy and red except to say, “you look like hell, go home.” “Really, ‘cause I feel like aces right now! On account of the snot is just oozing away all the badness!” 3. Can’t eat because I can’t taste anything and the effort it takes to keep snot off of, well, pretty much everything, is a 24/7 nightmare. 4. When has it ever been fun to constantly clean out your nose? (please, I do not want any answers to this question. It is the quintessential rhetorical question. Quintessential, do you hear me?)

Ok, 4-0, cons win. Not as dominating as I would have liked, but I think you get the picture. The final snot solution is not one that works and I’d like to see a little more creativity in the health department of my body. (I’m talking about you Immune System!!)

I’ve called for an emergency session of congress to see if we can’t have snot banned once and for all, but I fear the problem lies deeper than that. The last thing I want to do is trigger an all out snot coup wherein snot reigns supreme, day and night, always with the snot. Damn you snot!!!! DAMN YOU!!!!!

A few notes: That whole inhaler thing probably should have been deleted. I’ve been informed by the censors that it could be considered slightly distasteful. The Asthma Act was all but abolished by 1995. The only thing that brings it back is the carcinogenic hell that is cigarette smoke. I’ve actually been told that I have well above average lung capacity (I totally brag about this all the time even though I know it’s not polite to point out other people’s lack of blowing power.). I’m also hoping that the title of this post will bring in some new readers from random google searches. I imagine they’ll stay less than 5 seconds (Statcounter will confirm this) but it’ll look good under the unique visitors statistics.

Ok, I’ve got some “stuff” to do. And if you read this post at all, then you know exactly what “stuff” means.

Star Wars Episode III: Finally! With more Wookies!

There are some important things you can learn about yourself when you go see a big movie premier like, I don’t know, say, “Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith” alone. It’s a pretty amazing path of self-discovery. Lets take a look:

I was standing in a fairly large line of people waiting to see episode 3. From what I could gather, I was the only person in line that was alone. Everyone else was with a group of friends or family. Lesson 1. People must not like me very much.

The theater had stadium seating. This is the only way I will view movies in the theater. I took a seat towards the back because of the 50 or so people actually sitting in their seats, they represented another 200. “Sorry, these seats are saved.” I kind of don’t like this. I think if you want to see a movie, don’t have someone save you a seat. I had to wait in a ridiculous line, you should too. Lesson 2. I would never ask someone to “save me a seat.” It’s just not cool.

Up until about 10 minutes before the movie started, I had several open seats on either side of me. They were not being saved, they were completely up for grabs. Hoards of people came in asking everyone else in all the other rows if seats were saved, but not until all the other seats were taken did anyone ask me about the seats on either side of me. Lesson 3. I must be some sort of freaking looking guy that no one wants to talk to. In all fairness though, I guess I should point out that I was holding a sign that said, “I hate people!” and I was brandishing a gun with my eyes wide open and I wasn’t blinking. So maybe that had something to do with it, who knows…

I did not wear a costume of any sort. Very few people actually did. There was a woman dressed up as Darth Vader. I’m not going to explain that, I’m just going to report it. Then there were a couple of normal dress folks with a light saber dangling from their hip. Just looked weird. Lesson 4. I’m a fan, but I am not a super fan. I really don’t see the point in dressing normal, but then carrying around a fake light saber. You are on the fence, you need to decide, are you going to dress up or not? Pick a team and stick with it.

I saw a lot of people get to their seats, then a few at a time would run to the concession stands for some over priced candy or a quick restroom stop. Lesson 5. When you are a loser with no friends and you go to the movies alone, you cannot leave your seat without losing it for any reason, so you better have some amazing bladder control and enough foresight to pre-pack any snacks you may want.

Aside from that, I had a good time. I may even see it again. There were a few other random thoughts that ran through my head as I watched the movie. They are as follows:

As the movie began with the now famous scrolling paragraph intro, I briefly considered a scenario where in the pressure to create a good movie became entirely too much for George Lucas and instead of actually making a regular movie, he instead just made the whole thing a two and a half hour scrolling description. No actors, just the space background and paragraph after paragraph of story… I thought that was mildly amusing.

I’ll bet Yoda would make a great leadoff hitter. I mean, he’s got a tiny little strike zone, he can redirect blaster bolts to blow up droids with his light saber, so I’m pretty sure he can handle a bat. He’s deceptively quick, making him a threat to steal a base at any time, and he’s got a good head for strategy, so he probably won’t make a lot of base running errors.

If the force is something that runs through all living beings, why does it give them the power to pick up and throw large inanimate objects? And if they can do that, why don’t they do it a lot more often? I know I would.

You often hear a lot about the “Dark” side of the force, but if dark = bad, what equals good? They don’t call it the “Light” side of the force, do they? I mean, it clearly has two sides, the good and the bad, and they always call the bad the Dark side, but the good side is just called “the force?” Eh… whatever.

These first three episodes don’t have a good Han Solo type character, and I miss that. They did, however, make it very obvious where Luke gets his annoying, whiny demeanor. Thank Dad for that one Luke.

Samuel L. Jackson might be the least convincing Jedi I’ve ever seen, and believe me, I’ve seen loads of unconvincing Jedi.

I got my first Yo-Yo when I turned 7. It’s been a hobby of mine for over 20 years now. (kind of scary when I think it’s been that long) Sometimes, I like to make it sleep and pretend that I’m using the force to make it return to my hand. I am some kind of super dweeb by the way.

Instant Karma

Karma has spoken and I have listened. It would seem as though Cadiz and I are being punished for something of which we have no real knowledge. In order to appease the blogger gods however, links will be given. I have no reason for not linking anyone up to this point other than to show the judges I am worthy of Procrastinator of the Decade.

As it has been noted several times in the past right here on this blog, I’m not inclined to do things the easy way. Links will be no different. You’d like to think that links would be straight forward, but you’d be foolish to think that I couldn’t find a way to mix things up a little. View the links (hopefully to the right) and see what I mean.

The links may be subject to change depending on the severity of the lawsuits filed against me.

This was even more uncalled for.

First, I’d just like to say that if I didn’t have two monitors, I would probably have developed a serious case of mouse neck from clicking back and forth on all the comments and rereading of the original post. This is pretty long, and thanks to Statcounter, I’ll know exactly how many people actually read this most recent edition of logorrhea.

Without further ado, even though I’m sure of you could use a little more ado, here are the answers and so much more…

1. My name (Jon, for those of you that have forgotten already) is actually short for Jonathan, and I didn’t just forget the unnecessary “H.”

Answer: This is actually true. I have made surprisingly little attempt to anonymize (by the way, I’m pretty sure “anonymize” isn’t a word.) myself here on this blog. My full name is Jonathan but pretty much nobody calls me that. I have always gone by Jon though. Congrats to everyone for getting this one right. I heard a lot of complaining about how hard the test was, but so far, so good.

2. When I go to pick up food from a restaurant and they ask me what name it’s under, I tell them Jon. Then, when they bring my food to me, it almost always has my name written down like this: “Jonh.”

Answer: This, unfortunately, is also very true. It’s happened to me several times now and I cannot for the life of me explain it. It defies all logic and it makes my head hurt. I try not to take it personally, but sometimes emotions get the better of me and I break down. What the hell is going on in the public schools these days? That’s not what I want to know, that’s what I NEED to know.

3. My middle name is Henry, and when I reveal this information to anyone, a barbershop quartet appears from out of nowhere and sings, “Jon Henrrrrry, Jon Henry! He might not look tough but don’t give him no guff! His name’s Jon Henrrrrrry!!!”

Answer: Admittedly, this was a trick question. Omar is the only one that gets partial credit on this one. It is not in fact a barbershop quartet that appears. I didn’t count on Omar’s statistical background, and I didn’t have statcounter yet, so I underestimated the believability of this question. The truth is, it’s actually an 80’s cover band (not 70’s funk or barbershop quartet) that appears with a puff of smoke. I am immediately cloaked in a pink blazer with sleeves that are a little too short and my hair is moused up to perfection ala Vanilla Ice. I take a wide stance and cross my arms as a man behind me wails out synthesized melodies on his guitar shaped keyboard. He begins with a five minute 3 note solo that makes everyone a little uncomfortable and then screams the lyrics out like he’s the lead singer of The Cure. And that’s how I live my life. Honest.

4. When I was seven years old, I was involved in a freak biking accident that, tragically, left me unable to ever dance again.

Answer: This is false. I’ve tried to play it off as the truth, but some of you have seen right through my clever façade. The truth is, in 1984 at age 7, I was not in a tragic bicycling accident, no, I am way too awesome for that. However, I did watch the movie Footloose and became a vehement supporter of the bible-thumping minister who was attempting to keep the evil dancing out of the small town community. To my knowledge, I am the only person that views this movie as an example of how things can go wrong when kids start dancing.

5. In my senior year of high school, as an exorcize in breaking norms for sociology class, I brought a huge bucket of water into my first period marine biology class and midway through the period, proceeded to shampoo and rinse my hair.

Answer: This is true. I also sported a giant sandwich board, advertising for the “Anti-Utter Association,” a proud tradition of the lactose intolerant. I became mildly well known for my exploits that year and every once in a while, I run into someone from high school that still remembers it. In a somewhat related note to question 4, I often point back to this and many other examples of how I have absolutely no problem making a complete fool out of myself and that not wanting to dance has nothing to do with me being afraid to look stupid.

6. I was captain of my high school tennis team in spite of the fact that I never started a match. My teammates just had that much respect for me.

Answer: This is true. Sorry Omar, I will admit that it is very rare, but we had a great group of down to earth guys. My high school was not very competitive in the way of tennis, so I wouldn’t say that we had any premier athletes. I don’t complain and I work hard in practice. I was one of three seniors on the team that year, and the other two played a lot. As a gesture of respect, they all voted me team captain. Truth is often stranger than fiction. I never started a match, but I was always ready in case someone got hurt. That never happened either.

7. When I was a little kid, my favorite TV show was “The Dukes of Hazzard,” but deep down inside, I really wanted to be a stunt man/ bounty hunter like Lee Majors in “The Fall Guy”

Answer: This is true. Colt Seavers was my idol for quite some time. I grew up with “The Fall Guy,” “The A-Team,” “Airwolf,” “Hardcastle & McCormick,” “Nighthawk,” “Knight Rider,” “The Greatest American Hero,” “Starsky and Hutch,” “Magnum P.I.” “Rip Tide,” and of course, “The Dukes of Hazzard.” Seriously, what was the deal with action shows that revolved around vehicles? You just don’t see shows like that anymore. I still want to be a stunt man. I think that’s easily one of the coolest jobs ever, but I’m a bit of a thrill seeker. (Note, I also watched a lot of other shows, but they didn’t really fit in with the “vehicle” theme. Like, “The Incredible Hulk,” “Wonder Woman,” “The Six Million Dollar Man,” “The Bionic Woman,” “Simon and Simon,” and “Remington Steel.” … I miss that kind of TV. Now everything has to be so “reality” based. Not me, I’ll take an ex-marine living with a ridiculously rich writer that we never get to see but lets him drive his Ferrari all over Hawaii. Or remember that one episode of Knight Rider that ended with K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Two Thousand, come on, don’t question me.) and Goliath in a head on collision?? What DRAMA!!!

8. I got kicked out of preschool for not being potty trained.

Answer: This is true. I don’t want to talk about it.

9. I got kicked out of 5^th grade for not being potty trained.

Answer: This is not true. But I love the fact that nobody had any problems accepting this.

10. I got kicked out of college for not being potty trained.

Answer: Also not true, but I found myself smiling throughout the day with the repeated image of my parents, the principle and myself having the same recurring conversation about my inability to potty train. Only I just keep getting older, but I’m still in diapers and without shame, I soil my pants in the middle of every single one of these meetings. The older I get, the more people try to be polite, but it’s hard to ignore the rank stench emanating from pants. I am sick in the head, if that hasn’t already been made apparent.

11. I’m in the process of being fired from my current job for not being potty trained.

Answer: This is also not true. Jack was all too quick to point out that it would in fact be discrimination and they would not be able to fire me. But what he didn’t know is that it is seemingly impossible to get fired from my company anyway. We have people who sit and play checkers online all day and they get paid for it. I really wish I were kidding about that, but sadly, I am not.

12. I’m one year away from my 10 year high school reunion and in order to prepare for this, I’ve been frequenting the alumni website and spreading rumors that I’ve gained over 450 lbs, that way when I show up, no matter how pathetic the rest of my life might be, it will look like an amazing success story combined with my unbelievable loss of “weight.”

Answer: Unfortunately, this is not true. I really wish it were though. I would do this if I didn’t actually know people that this happened to. But I know that they will not be loosing the weight, thus it will not be funny for them. I have a freakish metabolism. My weight has not fluctuate more than +/- 3lbs since my Junior year in high school. My dad was the same way into his early 40’s, so I’m going to see how far I can take this. Until then, I know that I will be looked down upon by those that do not have this gift. I apologize for being a genetic freak, I really do.

13. At age 3, I set the world record for tri-cycling around the world. I did it in just a shade under 2 days… It would have been faster, but I didn’t train as hard as I should have through my terrible 2’s and consequently the Himalayas presented a little bit more of a problem than I would have liked.

Answer: This is not true. But only because I was not given my first tri-cycle until age 4. At that point in time, I was working through my potty training and was filled with so much frustration and aggression that I did a lot of running to work it out. I was a cardiovascular miracle, and I easily cruised around the world in a little over 4 hours. I had special pontoons added to the frame and paddles that extended out of the front tire for those of you that are thinking, “What about the ocean?” I had considered just holding my breath and riding across the ocean floor, but this was back in the early 80’s and the cold war was still in full swing so I didn’t want to risk an international event by being an unidentified object moving at high speed towards China and accidentally kick off a nuclear war.

14. The first and only time I saw the movie “Dumb and Dumber” was at a free screening two months before its national release when it had a different ending.

Answer: This is true. I have not avoided this movie in the least and thought it was absolutely hilarious when I saw it, save for the ending which everyone in the theater thought was pretty weak. (Probably why they changed it.) The original ending that I saw was a very cheesy Hollywood goodbye ending. Very not funny and very unmemorable. I’ve seen bits and pieces every now and again, but never sat through it all the way for a second time. The timing just hasn’t worked out, you know?

In a side note that nobody cares about, my roommate loves this movie. She named her cats Harry and Lloyd. These cats could not be more aptly named. Harry is notorious for taking naps in the sink and when you want to get him out, you might think that all you have to do is turn on the water, but that line of thinking would be incorrect. He just sits there, water pouring all over him, and stares back at you as if to say, “something changed, but I don’t know what it is…”

15. My favorite color is orange… but I like to pronounce it “purple.”

Answer: This is false. I only pronounce it one way. I say orange like everyone else.

16. When listening to any kind of music, the only thing that truly matters to me is whether or not I like the sound of the lead singers voice.

Answer: This is true. Sorry Jack, but let me explain. When it comes to music, I was raised around a pretty good variety. Consequently, I developed an appreciation for all different kinds of instruments. (My favorite instrument is the trumpet by the way) I was also brought up with a very open mind, so the words that are being sung rarely, if ever, offend me and I’m willing to listen to what anyone has to say. When you take away those things, all I’m left with is the sound of the lead singers voice. There is no means to the madness when it comes to the voice either, as is usually the case in matters of taste. Currently, the three people I can listen to all day and never get sick of are, in no particular order: Jack Johnson, Norah Jones and Roger Clyne. Those three actually have talent (in my opinion), but there are others I like that don’t have what you might call a “classically trained” voice, like Tim Armstrong from Rancid or Mike Ness from Social Distortion.

17. I was in the marching band my freshman year in high school where I played the trumpet.

Answer: This is true. I quit the band after my freshman year because (hold on to your hats for this one) it wasn’t fun. It could have been, but the band director at the time made sure it more closely resembled a living hell. He was very good at what he did. This is where I started to develop my love of the trumpet (and not coincidentally my hatred of marching bands) and I kind of regret putting it down. It was very hard on my teeth though.

18. I have worn a St. Louis Rams pin every day since my junior year in high school. I am one of their most loyal fans.

Answer: This is true. There have been no such days Jack. It’s become a constant running joke amongst my friends. To see me without it would be to see me naked, which, oddly enough, is how I swim. I do not swim very often. I probably swim about once every 12 years.

19. I grew up at a private Christian school and went to church every Sunday all the way through junior college, which is why no one is surprised when I tell them that I don’t believe in God.

Answer: This is true. However, I don’t really like to advertise my religious beliefs and I almost regret putting this in here.

20. I have only been drunk twice in my life and if all goes according to plan, the number of times being drunk will stay at 2.

Answer: This, as unbelievable as it may sound, is true. I do not, however, think it is in any way admirable. I am in no way against drinking, I just don’t like to do it. My roommate is convinced that my distaste for alcohol stems from the fact that alcohol has never gotten me laid. Very few things in this world have gotten me laid, so if I applied that same logic to everything else in this world, I would hate pretty much everything. Perhaps I revealed a little too much there, but I’m pretty sure no one is reading this far, which is why I will also say that I swim more often than I have sex.

21. My motto has always been, “If you can’t beat them, die trying.”

Answer: This is false. It is, however, my attitude in most situations. I’m not a quitter by nature, but this is pretty “motivational speaker.”

22. My motto has always been, “Live by the golden rule: He who has all the gold is much slower because gold is heavy and if you have a lot of it, it’s just going to slow you down.”

Answer: This is true. It looks really sweet on a t-shirt too.

23. I introduced the world to the word “bappared.”

Answer: This is true. Bappared is defined as the flat portion of the outside of a powdered doughnut you would buy at the super market. I developed this word when my mother was questioning my unwillingness to eat the last doughnut in the box. I explained to her that it was inedible “because it was bappared.” My mother did not learn the definition until several years later when in an overly dramatic and exasperated fashion she shook me and demanded, “What the hell does bappared mean?!!?!”

24. This list is getting too long.

Answer: This is true, and it’s only gotten worse since I put the answers in here.

25. I have never made a list longer than 25 items.

Answer: This is false. Out of habit, most of my lists usually number 1,053. I guess I just got lazy with this one. (I’m such a shoe in for slacker of the decade!! Which will go nicely with my Procrastinator of the Decade award!)

Alright, lets go ahead and look at the scores…

Jasmine: F-. I just felt like you weren’t even trying.

Girlspit: C+. When I looked over your test, I noticed a very distinct pattern. You got more than half of them right though, so if you’re satisfied with that, I guess I am too.

Omar: B-. Not bad, but I can’t help but feel like you were holding back. You are doing very well in the class though, so this didn’t hurt you much.

Jack: B+. Highest score in the class. Well done, but I’m going to have to ask you to quit stalking me. Thanks! (Oh yeah, would have been an A- but I did have to deduct for spelling and grammar. I’m an English major (which has surprisingly little to do with spelling and grammar) so you understand, right?)

Cadiz12: B-. I put you with Omar in that I felt you could have done better if you would just apply yourself and memorize everything that I say and do.

Ok, that’s it for today. Please read chapter 7: “Why Blog Posts Shouldn’t be Ridiculously Long” tonight for our next class.

This was entirely uncalled for.

No one was asking, but I have a great feel for what the public wants. And right now, I feel that the public would like to know more about me. Some Jon trivia if you will. Further more, I am absolutely positive that the public wants me to list several items that may not actually even be true and set the whole thing up in a test-like format. Unfortunately for you, the reader, this is going to be an interactive blog. I will list many things about me, some will be true, some will not. Simply submit your answers by stating whether you think each statement is true or false, and I will grade them. That sounds mostly not fun, doesn’t it? Please get out your number 3 pencils (I got a sweet deal on this old scantron machine, but it takes the less popular #3 pencil instead of the over glorified #2) Ready? (if you’re not, that’s sad because this is a go at your own pace kind of thing) Begin.

1. My name (Jon, for those of you that have forgotten already) is actually short for Jonathan, and I didn’t just forget the unnecessary “H.”

2. When I go to pick up food from a restaurant and they ask me what name it’s under, I tell them Jon. Then, when they bring my food to me, it almost always has my name written down like this: “Jonh.”

3. My middle name is Henry, and when I reveal this information to anyone, a barbershop quartet appears from out of nowhere and sings, “Jon Henrrrrry, Jon Henry! He might not look tough but don’t give him no guff! His name’s Jon Henrrrrrry!!!”

4. When I was seven years old, I was involved in a freak biking accident that, tragically, left me unable to ever dance again.

5. In my senior year of high school, as an exorcize in breaking norms for sociology class, I brought a huge bucket of water into my first period marine biology class and midway through the period, proceeded to shampoo and rinse my hair.

6. I was captain of my high school tennis team in spite of the fact that I never started a match. My teammates just had that much respect for me.

7. When I was a little kid, my favorite TV show was “The Dukes of Hazzard,” but deep down inside, I really wanted to be a stunt man/ bounty hunter like Lee Majors in “The Fall Guy”

8. I got kicked out of preschool for not being potty trained.

9. I got kicked out of 5^th grade for not being potty trained.

10. I got kicked out of college for not being potty trained.

11. I’m in the process of being fired from my current job for not being potty trained.

12. I’m one year away from my 10 year high school reunion and in order to prepare for this, I’ve been frequenting the alumni website and spreading rumors that I’ve gained over 450 lbs, that way when I show up, no matter how pathetic the rest of my life might be, it will look like an amazing success story combined with my unbelievable loss of “weight.”

13. At age 3, I set the world record for tri-cycling around the world. I did it in just a shade under 2 days… It would have been faster, but I didn’t train as hard as I should have through my terrible 2’s and consequently the Himalayas presented a little bit more of a problem than I would have liked.

14. The first and only time I saw the movie “Dumb and Dumber” was at a free screening two months before its national release when it had a different ending.

15. My favorite color is orange… but I like to pronounce it “purple.”

16. When listening to any kind of music, the only thing that truly matters to me is whether or not I like the sound of the lead singers voice.

17. I was in the marching band my freshman year in high school where I played the trumpet.

18. I have worn a St. Louis Rams pin every day since my junior year in high school. I am one of their most loyal fans.

19. I grew up at a private Christian school and went to church every Sunday all the way through junior college, which is why no one is surprised when I tell them that I don’t believe in God.

20. I have only been drunk twice in my life and if all goes according to plan, the number of times being drunk will stay at 2.

21. My motto has always been, “If you can’t beat them, die trying.”

22. My motto has always been, “Live by the golden rule: He who has all the gold is much slower because gold is heavy and if you have a lot of it, it’s just going to slow you down.”

23. I introduced the world to the word “bappared.”

24. This list is getting too long.

25. I have never made a list longer than 25 items.

Ok, that seems good for now. Please put your pencils down and hand in your exams.

Who's Hiring?

Lately I’ve been toying with the idea of being a rich, millionaire playboy… It’s got a certain appeal. I’ve thought about it a lot, and I really think I could handle the responsibilities. I’m very good at traveling on a whim and I think I have surpassed everyone’s expectations in the frivolous spending department. I’ve been doing this underpaid, overworked thing for quite some time now, and I think I could use the change of pace.

I think to start things off, I’d buy an island. Not one of those cheesy, under water half the year, pieces of garbage they sell down in the Florida Keys, I’m talking about the real deal. Then I would build a racetrack around the perimeter, with a good mix of straight a ways and technical turns. I dare say it will be the greatest racetrack of all time. No doubt world-class drivers from all over the globe would beg me to come take a spin on it. I would of course let them, because what fun is something like that all alone? Answer: Not much. It’ll have to be an island with a big hill/mountain in the middle, because that’s where I’ll be building my castle. Yes, I will be building a castle. Not a home, not a mansion, not a compound, but a castle. I’ve got a few ideas from my good friend William Randolph Hurst. But mostly I want lots of secret passages and hidden doors. They don’t make enough houses today with secret passages, and I think that’s a damn shame. (pardon my language, some things just get me upset like that.) I also want a healthy amount of fire poles and slides to help me navigate the castle quickly. I imagine it will be 7 or 8 stories, 3 of which will be underground. I’ll have a full size theater, of course, equipped with leather recliners able to accommodate around 50 people or so. On the roof there will be a helipad for my helicopter (duh, I mean, why else would you have a helipad?) that I will use to go back and forth from the mainland when I need to. The island will be mostly self-contained. It will be 100% solar and hydraulic powered, and no harmful emissions will be produced by anything. All race vehicles will be electrics. I will also have a full sized major league baseball park built. It will have a 75,000 seat capacity, and it will be the largest playing field anyone has ever seen. 450 ft down the lines, 530 in the gaps and 600 to straight up center. Why so big? Because triples and inside the park home runs are way more exciting than any ball hit over the fence, but if you can hit one over these fences, then that will also be exciting because my god, it will have to be absolutely crushed!! (Also, there will be no ‘roids on this field, it’s 100% clean Baseball) There will also be an indoor basketball arena, which will easily be converted to a badminton arena, because badminton kicks ass!! Actually, it will be a very multi purpose arena, tennis, volleyball, indoor ultimate Frisbee (that will be intense, especially when we turn out the lights and play with a glow in the dark Frisbee and some of those glow necklaces to identify the players, you know, so no one gets hurt.) and any other sport I think it will be fun to play.

I could literally, figuratively, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually and metaphorically go on forever… but I have to get up for work tomorrow, and that really cuts into forever. So I’ll quite wasting your time and mine… for now…

Them Dukes, them Dukes, them Dukes...

Ok, I’ll make this quick. I just watched the preview for the upcoming Dukes of Hazzard movie. This is a big deal to me because that show is probably my favorite TV show of all time. I know, it may sound weird, but it’s true. And it’s no secret that the orange ’69 Dodge Charger R/T is in fact my dream car… give me a minute… ok. It is with great apprehension that I await the opening of this movie. When I first heard they were going to make it, I thought, oh no, not another Starsky & Hutch… then I heard who the cast was going to be and I though, “Ok, this is really going to suck.” Not because I don’t like anyone they cast, but because the originals are so well ingrained in my head and I felt like the new cast was so far off that it was just too much of a stretch. (Ok, I don’t actually like Jessica Simpson as Daisy… I honestly can’t stand her. I don’t know if she is that stupid, but if she is, it hurts more than you can imagine. I don’t even find her remotely attractive because of how stupid she seems to be. This looses me a lot of points with the raging heterosexual guy friends of mine, but I don’t care, intelligence and the ability to carry on a good conversation is so much more important to me.) Then I heard that Jay Chandrasekhar (from Broken Lizard, i.e. Super Troopers (good movie) and Club Dread (very bad movie), so now I have no idea what to expect. It could be great or it could be terrible, and there will be no middle ground. So back to the beginning, I just watched the trailer, courtesy of comingsoon.net (coupled with imdb.com, two of the greatest internet sites of all time), and I have decided that I may be able to enjoy this movie provided I do one very important thing; I need to forget everything I know and love about the show and let this movie be its own entity. From what I could see in the preview, Johnny Knoxville does not act like Luke and Sean William Scott does not act like Bo. However, given what I saw, I am now looking forward to the movie instead of dreading it and I think that’s an upgrade.

Does this make me a jerk?

One of my many pet peeves is people who can’t park properly. I can’t stand it when someone does such a hack job parking that they take up two spaces (not to be confused with the jerks that purposefully take up two spots with their brand new Ford Focus/ Dodge Neon because they don’t want anyone to scratch it. Look, I love my car, and I’d prefer it if the car stayed scratch free, but let’s face it, sometimes, poop happens. You are not better than the rest of us and you do not deserve two spaces. I hate this with a passion. In the end, it’s just a car and there are more important things in life than not having a single scratch on your car.). I’m not going to lie to you, I have well above average skills at parking. I have made it one of my life’s goals to teach people how to park properly and I employ an admittedly abstract approach. It works like this: I only need about ¼ inch of clearance on either side of my car for me to park in any given parking stall and about 6 inches in front and back when parallel parking, and I will park there. If you have made the mistake of leaving me this much room, I will park next to you. I can do things in reverse that most people wouldn’t even dream driving forwards. “Welcome to the Brian O’Connor school of driving!!” Ok, that was a poor reference to what I believe is one of the worst, unbelievable scenes in a horrifically poor movie called 2 Fast 2 Furious. Don’t know what I’m talking about? Praise whatever god you believe in and sleep well tonight, you are among the lucky.

The company I work for has been growing quite fast for some time now. When I started working there 2 years ago, there were around 30 people, now there’s just under 300. Parking is now at a premium and I could no longer stand by and watch all of these Johnny come latelys sacrifice four or five extra spots. When we run out of spots, we have to park across the street, then risk our lives crossing it just to get to work. I’d rather not do that. It’s a busy street and it’s right by a deceptively sharp corner with cars that routinely travel at about 50-60 mph, if you aren’t paying attention, things could get ugly quick.

I do feel compelled to mention that the parking stalls were very poorly laid out. They are very narrow, so any carelessness on the part of the parker will result in the pictured situation. By the way, if you hadn’t figured it out already, the red car in the middle is mine. The cars to either side of me just pulled in a little carelessly and created a situation in which I was able to teach at least two people a lesson. I’ve been teaching for a few months now, since the parking situation really started to get bad. At this point, I’ve developed a bit of a reputation. Some respect me, some hate me and some fear me.

I’ve been like this for as long as I can remember. It used to be easier because I had a piece for a car, and if it got dented, I didn’t care at all. (I actually miss being that carefree about my car. It was kind of nice to never have to lock it or worry about what might happen while you were away. I actually had someone try and steal the stereo out of that car once, they were unsuccessful, and apparently they weren’t very well funded because the only things holding the stereo in place were two small screws. The thief did not have access to the high tech thieving equipment that is a Phillips head screwdriver.) Now I have a 2001 Eclipse that I like very much, but the world doesn’t end if it gets a little nick or ding in it. The only time I get upset is when I do something stupid to cause the damage. But if I cannot control what happens, then I just shrug it off.

A few things I’d like to point out about the picture… This is not the tightest spot I have fit into, in my opinion, I have a ton of room on the left hand side. Also, I think it’s important to note that I am in fact, between the two white lines, completely in one single slot. It is the other two drivers that are pushing the limit. And lastly, I was moved to a 9-6 shift for awhile, which blows, but I know there are worst shifts out there in the world, so I get to work later than almost everyone. By default, I should have to park across the street, but everyone else that saw this spot passed on it because they didn’t think it was big enough. Many smaller cars kept right on going thinking they couldn’t fit in there.

So I’m sure you are asking yourself now, “Well, showoff, is your ‘teaching’ working? Is anyone ‘learning’ how to park?” The answer is yes. Over the last month, I have noticed almost no lost spaces due to poor parking. People are afraid of me parking next to them, so they seem to be taking the extra effort to park properly. This gives me mixed emotions. First there is the pride of knowing I’m making a difference in the world (albeit just in the parking lot of one rapidly expanding company), but also the frustration of no longer being able to find a spot to squeeze into. In the end, I think it’s a worthwhile cause, and I am satisfied with the progress I have made.

There are three things I’m sure of.

Thing number one: Whatever that fungus is that grows in my toilet, the fact that it not only sustains, but also gains life from the stuff I flush down, tells me that it cannot be anything good. And the fact that I clean the toilet regularly, and it always comes back, well, that scares the hell out of me. (I mean it, there’s no more hell left, I checked and it’s all gone. I took this Hell Test awhile back, and I scored an 18… good luck beating that. I’ll bet I’m in single digits now.)

Thing number two: It does not matter what the studio executives think, it does not matter what the ratings look like and it certainly doesn’t matter what the Jehovah’s Witnesses think, Arrested Development is the funniest show on television today. Period. Even with the return of The Family Guy, I still maintain that AD is tops, bar none. I will not argue this, unless you need me to argue in favor of it being the top show, then yes, I will argue. But I will not argue that any other show today even comes close to it’s greatness. (although I will admit that it’s greatness cannot truly be appreciated without having seen every episode. You really need to start from the beginning with this one, but it will be so worth it… so much worth, the likes of which you never imagined possible!!)

Thing number three: The public needs to know about my hamstring. I can almost hear the cries… “Jon, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, PLEASE TELL US HOW THE HAMSTRING IS!!!! IT’S BEEN NEARLY 3 DAYS…NO, MAYBE LIKE 5 DAYS…UH, I DON’T KNOW, IT’S BEEN A WHILE. ANYWAY, WHAT’S THE DEAL, I KNOW THERE’S ANOTHER GAME ON WEDNESDAY AND MY BOOKIE WANTS TO KNOW HOW I’M GOING TO BET, BUT I CAN’T REALLY MAKE THAT CALL UNTIL I KNOW IF YOU’RE GOING TO PLAY OR NOT, SO, COME, BE A SPORT AND HELP ME OUT… ARE YOU PLAYING OR NOT?!?”

Well, as far as number three is concerned, first let me say, what an impressive set of lungs my readers have, I mean, that’s a lot to shout at once. But to answer your question, as Wesley Snipes once said, “Always bet on black!” I’m not really sure how that applies here, we’re not playing roulette, and our team colors are green and gray… so maybe I should have said, “Always bet on green and gray!” Hmmm… I can see why they didn’t use that line in the movie…but I digress (nothing new there though, am I right?) Back to my semi original point… in the most convoluted way possible, I was trying to somehow infer that yes, I will indeed be playing on Wednesday night. The hammy feels good, I’ve been dodging traffic on the freeway to sharpen my reflexes and test the strength in my legs (some people seem to think this is a foolish way work out, but I like to think I’m a lot stupider than they give me credit for). So bet away my friends… bet away… (By the way, we’re playing the team named, “Just 4 Fun” so you know right off the bat that they suck and are just asking for a butt whooping. I think last time we played them, we won 17-1, and our team ain’t that great. I think in that game, I also had an outfield assist where I threw some girl out at first base after she had a seemingly clean hit to right field. No, I charged it and gunned her out at first base. Why? Because I have a cannon for an arm? (The medical malpractice lawsuit is still in trial, but I’m confident I’ll win. I went in to have my wisdom teeth removed, and instead I get a frickin’ cannon for an arm? Not that I haven’t benefited from it, but still, it’s the principle of it all.) No, because I’m cold hearted. (I actually feel terrible about it. I mean, it’s slow pitch, co-ed softball. What I did was just mean.))

Ok, I think we’re done here.

It wasn't broken, but I decided to fix it anyway.

So I decided to mess with my template a little. You know, to kind of junk it up a bit. Make it less visually appealing, kind of like me. I don’t mean to sound to cocky, but I think I did a spectacular job.