Stair Master! (not yet, but maybe someday… long dramatic sigh)

That last post was awfully long, emphasis on the awful. I’m going to try and keep this one short today. We’ll start of with the number one most important thing I learned today.

After numerous attempts with lots of trial and error, a distinguished panel of experts unequivocally determined that there is no possible way for me to fall down a flight of stairs gracefully.

My first attempt was weak. I wasn’t loosened up and I hadn’t found a rhythm yet, so I didn’t beat myself up too bad when the judges declared my first effort, “the work of a blind, clumsy fool.” I deserved that, the way I fell down those stairs was nothing short of amateurish. I was so embarrassed I didn’t even properly acknowledge the judges table after I landed on my side. Sure, it’s a points deduction, but there was no way I was getting anything above a 3 anyway, so no big loss.

For my second attempt of the day, I thought I’d try and make up some ground, so I began the tumble starting off on the wrong foot. I’m naturally goofy foot, so traditionally I begin my fall down the stairs by misjudging the second step with my right foot. The judges know this, so I thought they would appreciate the effort I was putting forth when I instead used my left foot, precariously planting just the last quarter inch of my heal on the tip of that first step and then letting my body weight combined with the awesome force of gravity do the rest. In the end, it came out looking decidedly un-athletic and contrived, which it was. Still, the judges were being generous when they handed me an average score of 6.7.

My last attempt I had to lay it all on the line if I wanted to have any shot at a medal. I couldn’t hold back. Like the kids say, “Go big, or go home.” I figured my only chance was to attempt a move I’ve named, “The Paid Vacation.” I call it that because when executed properly, any witnesses or video camera footage should confirm to a judge and jury that the “victim” that fell down the stairs is entitled to no less than 6 months of workman’s comp. I carried two large boxes that almost completely obscured my vision of the stairs. This move is all about timing, and truth be told, I’ve only landed it once in practice, never in a competition. The key is to convince your body that the step is about 4 inches higher than it really is. This makes your overall body form give the impression of true commitment. You want to convince the judges that you really didn’t mean to fall. It’s much harder than it sounds. These are expert judges that have spent years watching people fall down stairs. Many of them were Olympic alternates back in 1970’s, the “Golden Days” of stair falling, so they know all the tricks of the trade and it’s hard to get anything by their keen eyes.

Like the previous two, my third attempt was an utter disaster. The Australian judge totally nailed me eyeballing my mark (the place where I was pretending the step was) and all but screamed it out to the other judges. And the Finland judge (the Fins are world renowned for their ability to recreate the true herky jerky motion of an actual fall down the stairs) said I moved my hips like an oversized aardvark after a heavy night of drinking, which is true, I do. Then, to add insult to injury, the Argentinean judge told me my cries for help sounded rehearsed and monotone. I heard myself on the replay and I can’t argue, but he didn’t have to call me out like that. I knew it, the judges knew it, hell, even the casual fans in the audience who know nothing about the sport of stair falling knew it. I didn’t need to be insulted on national television like that.

My final fall resulted in a very disappointing 5.8. I didn’t even make the top 5 which means that I’ll have to compete in several of the other less prestigious competitions in order to qualify for the Olympic trials which are set to begin in November of 2007. I’m going to have to train hard. I won’t be happy until the judges acknowledge me as the most graceful stair faller the world has ever seen. I know it’s an ambitious goal, but if you fought through the dry eyes and blurred vision that my last post undoubtedly created, then you’d know that I have ambitious goals that I’m afraid to go after. Well it’s high time I stared (pun totally intended) fear in the eyes and find out if it really will make me wet my pants. There’s only 3 1/2 ways to find out. I’ll keep you posted. (yeah, I intended that pun too. What are you going to do about it?)

Hmm… so much for a short post. There’s a lot of wind in this bag people.