Tuesday, June 21, 2005

It’s a fine line between being in a rut and being in a groove.

The sun was going down and the wind was blowing heavily back at me. I stood there on the edge of the bluff with a tempting view of the ocean and nice piece of caution in my right hand. In the blink of an eye I followed my natural instincts, reared back and threw that caution as hard as I could into the oncoming wind. The results have yet to be determined, but what I can tell you is that several things transpired in a very short period of time.

First of all, I dug into my closet and pulled out some equipment that had not seen the light of day in nearly a month. Within a matter of minutes, I had bedazzled every item of clothing in my wardrobe. I’ve always been fond of dolphins and rainbows; so I thought to myself, why not bedazzle some designs on every item of clothing that I own to show this great love affair I have with dolphins/rainbows. On a few of my nicer muumuus that I only wear on special occasions, I made some beautiful designs that incorporated dolphins swimming inside of rainbows. I can’t wait for my next formal dinner party to bust those suckers out. You might also think that my work with the bedazzler ended with my shirts, pants, socks and underwear, but you’d be wrong. I also bedazzled my shoes and hats as well. All in all, I think I added a good 40 lbs to every outfit that I own. Yes, that’s correct, I have “outfits.”

Once my work with the bedazzler was done, I felt like the creativity was just beginning to flow. I was in no mood to question my motives, so I immediately painted a life size mural of the A-Team on the living room wall. It featured Mr. T in the middle holding a suspicious looking glass of milk with Murdoch in the background putting on some pilots goggles, Hannibal lighting up a cigar on the right and Face on the left disposing of a syringe. If I could take a moment to be honest about my own work, it’s arguably the greatest single thing I’ve ever done in my entire life. It’s just too bad that I’ll only be living here for another week. I’m pretty sure once the landlord sees it, she is going to demand to pay me cash money for it. It’s that good.

Now I felt like my creativity was at quarter strength. In my case, that’s really quite powerful and not something you should mess with unless you have some sort of degree in messing with the awesome power of my creativity. To my knowledge, no such degree exists, so my original point of not messing with me remains true. Having bedazzled my entire wardrobe and painted the greatest A-Team mural of all time, I took the next logical step. I made a movie.

I decided to do a period piece. I chose 2005 as my period. It seems like everyone is doing a period piece these days, but they tend to focus on either the past or the future. I took the road less traveled and went with the present. I wrote it, directed it, starred in it, performed the musical score for it and edited it, although, it was so amazingly brilliant that almost none of the movie made it to the cutting room floor. I walked it straight down to the theater myself and they immediately put it in every theater they had. Not surprisingly, the theater sold out within minutes. Every show was packed. Most of the movie consists of musical montages. A film device I am single handedly going to bring back into the forefront of American film making today. It’s an epic tale of good and evil, pitting the refrigerator against the oven. One is hot, one is cold, who will win? You’ll have to watch the movie to find that out. The critics described the film as, “Wildly entertaining!” and “Easily one of the afternoons top 100!” (by the way, has anyone else ever been able to use the phrase ‘wildly entertaining’ in a normal conversation? I’ve been trying unsuccessfully for the past 23 years. I’m pretty sure this is only an acceptable phrase in the world of movie critiques.) The crowd response was even more favorable. Several people demanded to pay again because they thought the movie was simply that good.

After that, I sat down and wrote the great American novel, which I have titled, “The New York Times Best Seller!” It’s suspense novel, with lots of international espionage, black market dealings, terrorist threats, a love story and a comedic hero. It’s based loosely on my life working as a government employee in the Dodgers minor league farm system back in the early 80’s. Enough time has passed for me to adequately tell the story and not offend any parties that were involved at the time. Also, the perspective I have gained on the situation as a whole with all the time that has passed allows me to give a more equal and unbiased account. It hits bookstores tomorrow, so go check it out.

Shortly after all of that, I mistakenly thought I still had some creativity left in me, so I wrote this post. Oh well, they can’t all be good, right?

24 comments:

cadiz12 said...

do you wear orange pants in this film? i'll venture to guess they have sparkly 'Js' bedazzled on the booty pockets, don't they?

Adrian said...

A WILDLY ENTERTAINING post!

omar said...

I will make it my mission to use the phrase "wildly entertaining" today while at work.

Also, there's buzz about your movie over here on the east coast, but the rumor is it'll be a while before it gets to us (something about there not being enough available copies to show at more than one theater at a time?)

Jon said...

Cadiz: yes, once again, the orange pants make an appearance in the film. However, as a tribute to Chris Cross, I wear them backwards, so I have my initials no the pants with a J on the left, and H on my belt buckle, and an M on the right. I also have dolphins in an “S” pattern going up and down the pant legs.

Adrian: Why thank you!

Omar: let me know how it goes. I’m interested to hear if you can do it with a straight face, and also, let me know the context of the situation.

The rumors are false. While there aren’t many copies available, I will personally be bringing the film with me when I come to visit on July 1st. You may want to pick up your tickets now.

cadiz12 said...

dolphins! a nice touch. that buckle better be rhinestone.
i think that'd be a wildly entertaining sight.

Jon said...

Yeah, it’s also battery powered, so it lights up and flashes. It’s pretty sweet. Also, I think that wildly entertaining applies here, but I’m just not sure you can get away with it while talking. Typing it is one thing, but actually saying it is another. My challenge to you is to say that to someone today. Although, I’m talking to Cadiz here, I don’t think that will be too much of a problem.

cadiz12 said...

damn skippy, jon. i hope to use the phrase at least three times today. i'm feeling good about it. does the sarcastic sense count?

btw, 'be cool' was so not wildly entertaining. i was disappointed. cedric and vince were funny. but the rest of the film dragged. but that's okay, i had just seen vince on a sidewalk near work, so i suffered through it.

Glo said...

I would pay good money several times over just to see those bedazzled pants...

Jon said...

What a coincidence, I would accept good money several times over just to let you see those pants… I’ll see if I can’t work something out. Although, Omar is the one with skillz, not me.

Cadiz: I’ll accept 2 sarcastic attempts, but I’ll need at least 1 sincere attempt. Too bad about be cool. Still haven’t seen it yet. I like that some people you can count on though, no matter how bad the rest of the movie is. Like Christopher Walken. I’m always happy with his performances.

Adrian said...

OH! And as for dolphins: they TERRIFY me.

Gang raping mammals of the sea!

(shiver)

cadiz12 said...

you make a good point, jon.
okay, not counting the one sarcastic time, i have managed to work 'wildly entertaining' into the conversation twice. and once was really good.

it was when i was telling someone that it really makes a difference when your clothes fit well. and how when my dad tried on the new jeans we got him for father's day, my mom was like, 'wow. b, you look hot.' i thought either my brother or i would hyperventilate. my mother does not use slang. she thinks 'hot' is a ridiculous way to say someone is good looking. she says she is 'pist off'. which is why that moment was WILDLY ENTERTAINING.

only one more to go. and the night is young.

how much are you charging for pants viewing?

cadiz12 said...

oops, that was 'pitsd off.'
i knew that looked weird.

omar said...

I only got it in once today, and it might have been considered sarcastic.

AC is still out in our building at work, and we had someone needing help come by our office. We all looked pretty sluggish. customer: "You guys look like you're having fun." me: "Oh yeah, it's wildly entertaining in this place." No reaction, we just continued the conversation. It was disappointing.

I will be trying again tomorrow.

jazz said...

first, i love the title of this post.

second: i can't stop thinking about titling a book "new york times bestseller" and how people, i'm certain, would buy it if you could get around the copyright issues of using nyt in the title...its genius really.

sometimes jon, just sometimes, you're brilliant. you're a brilliant bedazzled boy.

Jon said...

Adrian: I’ve read your blog a bit, and there is little if any doubt in my mind that sea life, in general, scares you. I’ll bet you’re even afraid of jaguar sharks… (am I getting anyone on that reference?)

Cadiz: Yes, yes I do make a good point. You however, made an excellent use of the phrase, although, be it ‘pist’ or ‘pitsd’ off, I still have no idea what you are talking about. Love the effort though.

Omar: What’s wrong with these people? Sarcastic or not, that was a near perfect use of the phrase and it should have been noted by at least someone! Society is such a disappointment to me sometimes.

I look forward to tomorrows attempt. I expect a full report on my desk by 10 am. (that’s PST, so you’ve really got until 1pm your time. That’s the benefit of being on the East Coast.)

Jasmine: To be honest, I think that’s one of my better efforts in the way of post titles. I don’t often like the ones I come up with, but this one has a special happy warm place in my heart.

Damn copyright issues. Maybe I’ll call it The Gnu Yorc Thymes Best Cellar. I think that should allow me to sell it, and most people don’t know how to read anyway, right? So they will buy it because it sounds like what they think it might be even though it will probably be a piece of garbage. I don’t really care what they think of it so long as they buy it. See, I’m still a money grubbing whore deep down inside.

Yeah, sometimes… although it so few and far between, I’m not sure how anyone sticks around long enough to see more than one moment of bedazzling brilliance.

Glo said...

Wait! Do these pants also "fit well"? Dang. I am taking money out of savings for this one...

cadiz12 said...

she says 'pitts-ed off' instead of 'pissed off.'

i made one more lame attempt, just to make my quota of three. i'm exhausted.

Adrian said...

JON: This posting has inspired me to post comments on random blogs calling them WILDLY ENTERTAINING.

Not only does it make THEM feel good, but it also emotionally blackmails them into visiting MY blog.

Does using the phrase in this context meet your requirements or must they be verbal exchanges?

Sir, I salute and THANK you!

Glo said...

Oh, sure, right when I post a boring meme blog, Adrian T starts handing out the compliments to wildly entertaining blogs. *Pout*

Guyana-Gyal said...

Okay, that's it!

I'm going to throw caution to the wind too.

Right now it's all neatly ironed and hanging in my wardrobe. I'm going to hurl it from my verandah, into the wind, hope it doesn't blow back into my face.

You've inspired me, Jon. [Is that irony?]

omar said...

Sorry, my report is late. I didn't get a good chance to use "wildly entertaining" today, unfortunately. I almost did once, but it felt forced. If it doesn't flow with what I'm saying, then it'll just seem weird. I'll keep at it though.

Jon said...

Cadiz: Suddenly, it all makes sense. Having never heard your mother utter that phrase before, I hope you can understand where my easily confounded mind went astray…

Adrian: I always look to inspire and while I think leaving comments that say Wildly Entertaining is in fact, wildly entertaining, in order for my exercise to work, the phrase must be spoken out loud. Omar’s example typifies the kind of results I expect most people to get. I don’t think people realize what an awkwardly acceptable phrase that is.

G-Lo: sounds like someone is jealous…

G.G.: That’s what you should do with caution!

And yes, me being inspirational is the 3rd slang definition of Irony in the 2002 edition of Webster’s Pocket Dictionary. At any rate, I’m always happy to inspire… some have even gone as far as to label me a muse… Time will tell on that one though…

Omar: Although I will have to deduct points for turning in the report late, I respect the fact that you won’t half-ass it just to meet a deadline. I’ll tell you what though, put that report in one of those fancy clear binders, and you might just make up some lost ground.

cadiz12 said...

yeah, the fancypants folders in colored acetate with a window cut out for the title. that's the ticket. all i ever could get my dad to buy were the clear sheet folded in half with a rod to pinch it all together (which never stayed on.) hmph. i think it made all the difference between the b+ and the a-

Guyana-Gyal said...

Jon...did you mean A muse or Amuse?