Friday, June 10, 2005

One ponders the tragic reality of youth sometimes…

I’d like to take a moment to diverge from my usual nonsense and chicanery. I do this from time to time and I think that’s what makes me both annoying and insufferable. Today is one of those days. I have witnessed something so unbelievably tragic in the realm of humanity that I cannot help but address it. It’s usually not in my nature to work out these matters of the heart in a public blog forum with friendly strangers, but like I said, this struck a chord so deep in my heart that I could not forgive myself if I didn’t bring it up here and now.

It’s Dakota Fanning’s teeth. I watched the MTV Movie Awards tonight, and most of the show is a blur because I was unable to focus once I caught a glimpse of Dakota’s grill. They flashed to her in the audience quickly near the beginning of the awards show and I saw something that disturbed me. I passed it off as a moment of quick camera panning and thought, “my eyes have played tricks on me in the past, perhaps this is yet another cruel jest on their behalf. Oh eyes, how I both love and hate!! It is a tenuous relationship we have. A fine line we walk indeed!!”

When Dakota won the award for best frightened performance, (it amazes me why they don’t have some of these categories at the Oscar’s… we may never know why.) her acceptance speech confirmed that my eyes were not, in fact, messing with me. I spent the rest of the show with my head cocked to the right, eyes glazed, mouth slightly open, fighting feverishly with my brain to try and process the horror that was now etched in my mind. The great battle culminated in a large puddle of drool on my right shoulder. That’s not a detail I would normally share, but I feel that the power of that image far outweighs any personal image degradation that may take place due to the public knowledge of said puddle.

I realize that the MTV Movie Awards are only going to be aired 7 times a day for the next 3 months straight, so the chances of anyone getting to see what I’m talking about are virtually non existent. The window of opportunity is so remarkably small that I can hardly expect anyone to know what I’m talking about. I guess it will go down as one of those infamous, “you had to be there,” moments. It is not my intention to tease my readers so much, but as I have stated numerous times already, this picture tube moment in my life has had a profound effect on me this day.

I thought the worst was passed me, but once again, my feeble brain could never have predicted what was to come. Dakota and Tom Cruise presented the last award of the evening, meaning that the end of the show, often the most memorable part, was going to involve that terrifying smile.

Midway through the presentation speech from Dakota and Tom, it hit me: Dakota must have absolutely no idea how hideous her teeth are. She simply won’t stop smiling. It’s like she doesn’t even know that babies everywhere are crying, hoards of children are putting down their candy, parents are desperately trying to locate the remote control to change the channel (Don’t even think for one second that they would consider manually changing the channel on the TV, that is the pinnacle of crazy talk! and I will not make any attempt to even insinuate such a ludicrous action would ever take place in any home inside THESE United States of America!) to prevent those same children from being scarred for life by this visual, vomit inducing display of uncensored oral hell.

Side note: It also gives me the creeps to see child actors talk like they are in their mid 30’s. I can only imagine that the interactions with kids her own age are filled with moments of awkwardness to horrific to even legitimately think about.

Also, it has been said in the past that on rare occasions, I have a slight tendency to “embellish,” or “over exaggerate” in the most minuscule way, certain things that I write about. I hardly think that applies here, but both my lawyers and my editors thought I should note it nonetheless. I initially dismissed them all with my customary, “Oh pish posh! Why don’t you little scallywags run off and bother a hungry wolf or something, hmm?” To which they responded with their usual blend of narcotics and jelly beans in order to get me lucid enough to sign a binding legal agreement to put this bit of nonsense in my post. I hate when they do that.

From what I was able to gather based loosely on my own memory and the notes that my Chinese monkey took, (he didn’t have a problem with the teeth, he actually thought they were sexy, but he’s a Chinese monkey that was raised in the public school system, so he has low standards anyway.) the other highlights of the awards show are as follows:

Best Acceptance Speech: Hands down, this one goes to Dustin Hoffman.

Most of Jimmy Fallon’s sketches were pretty good. In fact, the only thing that I thought he did that was lame was the pathetic movie jokes stand-up he attempted after the Batman Intro. (It should be noted that I’m really not a big fan of puns, so that had a lot to do with why I didn’t like his jokes.)

Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn doing their party crashing class, with a brilliant supporting performance from Justin Long. (It should be noted that ED was one of my favorite shows and I’ve been a fan of Justin (Warren) for quite some time.)

The Breakfast Club Tribute. This reminded me of the crush I used to have on Ally Sheedy. I was excited when they said Yellowcard was going to perform a remake of “Don’t you forget about me” but was extremely disappointed when they actually did perform it. I didn’t like their version at all. I like Yellowcard, I have their album. I like covers of 80’s songs… this had winner written all over it for me, but it somehow still managed to kind of suck. At least for me anyway.

Katie Holmes helped me realize that I have watched a very large quantity of Tom Cruise movies. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Also not sure how I feel about Katie Holmes anymore either. I believe Tom Cruise is a scientologist… those scientologists are crafty, I’ll give them that.

The Rock’s description of his wildest fight… I thought it was funny.

Quentin Tarantino is really not cool. He seemed to be on some sort of a mission to prove that to the whole MTV watching world. I think he was amazingly successful.

I’m officially completely sick of Rachel McAdams.

Hardest award to watch? Best musical performance in a movie. Jon Heder won for Napoleon Dynamite. I don’t have a problem with this, I just feel bad for the channel 4 news team. I thought their rendition of “Afternoon Delight” was also exceptional. It’s hard when you’re up against Napoleon Dynamite though…

Ok, this concludes another waste of everyone’s time.

*****Ok, I found some pics on the teeth online. These are some of the best I could find. Not that great, but I suppose it would be a little unfair to expect someone to magnify her teeth for me. I think she does have braces, but what I also found out is that she lacks some sort of enzyme that allows her baby teeth to fall out naturally to make room for the adult teeth. Consequently, all of her teeth have to be pulled out by a dentist, although I bet if she really wanted to, she could do it herself. All this really goes to show you is that I’m an insensitive ass. But you already knew that. Also, I would like to mention that I really did like her in "I Am Sam," Even though that movie also had Creepy Sean Penn.*****

79 comments:

A said...

Rephrasing what a great scholar once wrote on his blog, I usually prefer not to dicourse on such matters of the heart in public but I couldn't forgive myself if I didn't share what your post did to me.

Is this what happens when *I* smile? This isn't self-importance, I realize your post isn't about me. I just couldn't help BUT think of the oral disaster that I call my teeth. I shall proceed to kill myself without further whining on your blog.

cadiz12 said...

it's times like this when i try to smile and cull together my pop culture knowledge to be able to contribute. but let's face it, at the end of the day i still don't have cable.

but i did see a rerun of vince vaughn on leno. he cracks me up.

who's rachel mcadams?

Jon said...

First off A, dental implants. Second, on a scale of 1 to10 (1 being the epitome of everything braces stand for and 10 being the most horrendous snaggle-toothed freak on the face of the planet) where do you put yourself? Also, are you just cavity prone or do you have some obvious visual defects? Did you SEE Dakota? How would you say you compare?

Truth be told, I really need braces on my lowers. They are kind of crowded. Some people say, “it gives them character,” some people say, “shut your mouth so I don’t have to look at that junk you call teeth.”

Jon said...

Cadiz: Rachel McAdams is apparently the new “it girl” if MTV has it’s way. She was in Mean Girls, she was the leader of the plastics. She was also in The Hot Chick, she was the girl that Rob Schneider switched bodies with. And she was in The Notebook too. All in all, she bugs me, I don’t find her the least bit attractive and I felt like she was the least talented actress in all the categories she was nominated for. (Rachel, if you’re reading this, it’s nothing personal, I just hate you. It’s business, you understand, right?)

And don’t get cable… get satellite.

Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson together is comedy gold, make no mistake about it.

cadiz12 said...

weird. we're all commenting at the same time.

what's the deal with the perfectly perfect straight teeth? i happen to think people like tom cruise have no business getting braces, when his teeth were just fine. if you're not scaring anyone on a daily basis, i say use that $6,000 to buy yourself something nice.

but then again, straight teeth is one of the few good genes i did happen to get.

cadiz12 said...

ah, gotcha. i really want to see 'be cool' now.

you saw 'the notebook?' i didn't foresee that one.

Jon said...

Yeah, I shouldn’t be awake right now. I have to get up for work in about 5 hours. I don’t know why people are obsessed with perfect teeth. Specially when they file them so that they are all completely even. That just looks creepy to me. And the bleaching…don’t even get me started. My upper teeth are pretty straight, so I have no problems there, I also don’t smoke or drink coffee or do much that could stain my teeth, so they aren’t horribly discolored either.

I haven’t seen The Notebook, but my mind is a strange thing. Often times it can extrapolate entire movie plots based solely on previews that I’ve seen. It scares me sometimes, but in a good way.

I was on the fence about “Be Cool” but one of my best friends told me just yesterday that I needed to see it because it is hilarious. I need to get back into movie mode. I’ve lost it since I moved here to Simi. I hope I get it back when I move back to Ventura at the end of this month.

cadiz12 said...

what's worse is when they file them into pointy little fang-teeth. [shudder]

all it took for me to want to see 'be cool' was to watch vince "act all hip hop" with the rock (who was sporting a very nice, short afro). vaughn was wonderful. i'm putting it on netflix today.

previews are the best part of the moviegoing experience. you're right; often they save you 8 bucks.
put that together with a friend who really knows how to retell a story and you only have to see about 1/3 of the movies out there.

Jon said...

Yeah, my friend specifically pointed to Vince as the reason for why that movie needs to be watched.

Comingsoon.net and imdb.com are the two single greatest movie websites in the universe. I think there should be a cable/satellite channel devoted to showing nothing but movie previews. They don’t even have to be for new movies, they can be for old movies too. I would watch that channel A LOT.

cadiz12 said...

that would be cool. then i could get the plot of all those movies that i never really will get around to seeing, like batman begins. (still have to see the other ones.)

A said...

Oh I don't have braces *sigh of relief* but I wanted them for years. However the braces I WOULD've gotten would've been like 1 on that scale. I'm cool like that.

Cavity prone would be a relatively more accurate description but I do have them visual defects too. Like the front tooth sort of 'overlaps' the other front thing AND there are cavities in both. It feels so good when people are dying to hear the details of your dental problems, disasters, deffects etc. I could go on, trust me but I have this report to ignore and this meeting in half an hour where there would be a spot for me to sleep peacefully at the conference table.

I didn't see Dakota. I don't watch TV much but I can say with a certain degree of certainity that we don't get whatever channel in this far away land. I just did some research on google (I'm also thorough like that). Unfortunately however, I didn't find a picture where her teeth were visible.I'll continue the research after the aforementioned meeting.

I could paste this comment in the report to fill the space between contents and the appendices :/

Note: In the earlier comment, it was 'their' not 'there'.

Cate said...

Seriously doubt Dakota is old enough yet to get braces.

LOVED Jimmy Fallon's Star Wars sketch. Was literally howling.

Dustin Hoffman's acceptance speech was brilliant.

Didn't watch the whole thing and am not sorry, as find Tom Cruise to be creepy and insane. Does anybody remember way back in the day when he was actually charming and hot? I say, it's no wonder Nicole left him.

Jon said...

It’s not a matter of braces with Dakota, it’s something much worse. The weirdest part is when they were showing a clip of her in the movie she won for, she had exceptionally perfect teeth. I can only assume this was some intense CG, or perhaps at that point in time, she was completely toothless and therefore dentures were an easy fix.

Cate: Fallon’s Star Wars sketch was fantastic. Pretty much all the sketches he did were good. I’ve always thought he was funny, but I think he left SNL a bit prematurely. Another year or two would have been better. He and Tina made Weekend Update worth watching again.

A: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 4 times, “I love talking about dental health!!” Yeah, it’s pretty creepy. And I doubt you’ll find any pics of Dakota’s oral maladies. It’s something you only get to see live and in person.

Cadiz: I hate to say it, but you’re kind of missing the point… it’s Batman BEGINS… this is the beginning… the others are not required viewing in order to see this one. By the way, this is the most anticipated movie of the summer for me. I was up for Star Wars, but this movie has the greatest ability to either disappoint me or make me extremely happy. (also, only the first Batman movie with Michael Keaton is worth seeing. The others are just a slow, painful decent into everything that’s wrong with Hollywood.)

jazz said...

damn i miss cable.

and i love rachel mcadams.

cadiz12 said...

to me there will only be one batman: adam west.

i just saw a rerun of the beach one where batman and the joker enter a surf contest. their costumes/makeup remain, but they just wear board shorts on top.

and nothing beats fight scenes accented with onomatopoeia.

Glo said...

I have nothing to comment whatsoever. The pain is intense. Why? Why didn't I see the awards? If I try to comment now about Vaughn/Wilson will sound like I am trying too hard.

Nothing having, must withdraw to my lonely corner of the web and weep distraught tears...

Jon said...

As long as I’ve made one person miserable with regret over not watching what is easily the worst awards show on television, then I’ve done my job.

I grew up with the comic book version of Batman, so that’s why I like the first one so much. Adam West rocks though.

And Rachel McAdams = thththhpppppttttt!!! (that’s as mature as I can be about it.)

Glo said...

But who won best kiss? That question alone drags me to the awards show every time...(Tears somewhat dried after I forced all my coworkers to listen to my sad fate of non-MTV Awardsness)

Jon said...

Best Kiss went to stupid Rachel McAdams and stupid Ryan Gossling for the Notebook. I thought it was weird when I looked them up at imdb.com, but there it was, “stupid Rachel McAdams” and “stupid Ryan Gossling.”

Glo said...

Yeah. Those monikers always surprise me. A few years ago, some guy named Creepy Sean Penn won an Oscar...

Never saw the Notebook, so once again, have nothing related to comment. Never fails. The day I decide to be appropriate and other-focused, I realize I have no interests beyond myself.

A said...

Wish I could send you guys a video or two of the award shows I've had the pleasure of watching...I questioned humanity, I questioned my being alive.

On a random note I am bored :|

Jon said...

A: We is all bored… see, it’s affecting my grammar. Please feel free to join the club.

I imagine us all in a circle, sitting, staring, bored. Maybe one of us gets the hiccups… it’s not very eventful. But that’s what this club is all about.

A said...

Yeah and another one sighes audibly every two minutes.

cadiz12 said...

that circle thing totally reminds me of 'that 70s show'

Jack Safety said...

hi!

A said...

On a completely relevant note, I *need* to expand my vocab by like at least three thousand words within the next 20 days if I want to prevent myself from being totally screwed. Tips?

Jon said...

Jack: Hey

A: That’s pretty easy, just learn some words you don’t already know. I’d also say read my blog some more, but that’s really just a cheap plug for myself. Plus, I’m mostly restricted to one or two syllable words. And when I type I make a lot of motions with my hands to try and describe what I’m talking about. It usually doesn’t translate that well onto the blog, but I’m mostly retarded, so I do it anyway. I thought about maybe doing a movie review, but it started off like this:

Ok, this is about that one movie starring that one guy and that other guy. The one guy almost dies and then winds up getting trained by the other guy to be, like, really good at stuff. Anyway, they fight some bad guys, get double crossed, run on water and in the end, they win. It’s a pretty solid movie, especially if you find door handles breaking off and not working really funny. Check it out. (I’ll give someone 10 points if they can tell me what movie I’m talking about.)

omar said...

I really wanted those 10 points, but for the life of me, I have no idea what the crap you're talking about.

Jon said...

10 points will get you a long way, there’s no doubt about that. I thought I was being pretty obvious, but perhaps another clue is necessary. I’ll say this… it’s an older movie, so you can ignore everything from the 90’s on… that should help you a little.

A said...

Give us like another hint woudja please? Like the first letter of its title. And the last. Oh and the ones that come in between.

The one time I described a movie to someone, it went something like oh it has that guy...who is always dying all over the place in every movie so naturally he was dying...and this friend guy and both of them were in love with this girl and ummm I don't know what happened. But the guy died. No one ever asked me about a movie again :/

I find great pleasure in reading your blog and identifying a word I've recently added to my vocab as part of my efforts to score decent on stupid GRE. It's STUPID. GRE is a STUPID test for poeple who have no blog life.

Jon said...

Okay okay… this movie has one of the supporting characters played by the oatmeal guy. There, I’ve practically spelled it out for you. I feel so cheap.

And I have to be honest with you a, I don’t really see much of a problem with your vocabulary. You seem to communicate quite well to me. And this movie of which you speak, is it a foreign film?

A said...

Ok I don't remember any movie called oatmeal. Now if it's a show, that wasn't fair of you...we don't get it here. I protest! If it's a movie or something, disregard the protest and know that I am aware of my idiot status.

I did try asking a friend on msn who is in the States as speak but she is away. Otherwise I would've gladly cheated and claimed the 10 points. What do they count towards though?

The movie I spoke of is foreign. I don't remember which. It was THAT lame.

Yeah 16 years of education in English has enabled me to communicate ok with those who speak the language and I was very happy to see that I knew most of the word on the high frequency lists for the test which is why I put the prep material away until I found the time to take a practice exam and the high frequency words failed to appear on it!

Oh but the fact that I can rant on endlessly gives me some hope for the writing part of it.

A said...

like at least the writing section won't be left blank. The quality of that crap is an issue the ETS people will have to deal with.

Jon said...

A little comment P.P. eh? Nice. Well, for starters, it is in fact a movie, one that I don’t think many have seen, but one that I think most people should see. Of course, I’ll bet after seeing it, most people might argue that they didn’t need to see it. Whatever. The oatmeal guy reference might not help you much if you’re not up on your American TV commercial history.

I don’t see the relevance of what the points are good for. Points are points, who doesn’t want points?

So what other languages do you speak? I’m jealous. That’s the problem with being from the US, no emphasis on learning another language. We just think everyone should speak English. We’re stupid.

A said...

haha I was hoping you'd notice. I made an effort to think of something that would prove I'm scatterbrained AND that I have in FACT achieved the P.P.

Ok yeah no idea what you are talking about.

Languages? let me see, I would like to say six but three I have very basic knowledge of. Oh you said what others. Urdu, English, one regional one here, Persian, Arabic, French.

Jon said...

That’s impressive, it looks like you have me beat by 6. You would make a much better spy than I.

A said...

6 eh?

Yeah I'll consider a carrier in spying after I am fired from my job and fail to get admission anywhere for my masters.

Say what time is it over there exactly? I would assume you are at work and I notice you've had a productive day :p Me, I'm just waiting to make sure the sun rises normally so I can go to sleep.

A said...

Oh but it's saturday. Not that I was complaining about your productivity at work.

Jon said...

The time stamp on all my comments is correct for my location, so you left that last comment at approximately 4 pm in the afternoon for me. And I’ve been a waste in front of the computer most of the day.

Radioactive Jam said...

Jon you are like, the Master Of Riffs Expository. Taken as an acronym, that's what I'll be back for.

English major - for real? I mean no disrespect (that comes later, otherwise you might not be able to tell when I'm making some lame attempt) but an English degree seems almost vestigial.

Ironically enough, that's what I would have chosen had I not been Turned to the Tech Side.

A said...

5 am. The sun is in the process of rising...from the east. All's right with the world.

Jon said...

RJ: Welcome. There is no questioning my M.O.R.E. style. I like to think I pioneered it. I’ll ignore the fact that no one else is following me.

My English major, in reality, is so much less than that. It goes like this: When Jon (I’m talking about myself in the third person because that’s a really cool thing to do.) was in HS he loved math and science. He was a dork/geek that loved figuring out how things worked. Although he was somewhat gifted in the only language he had ever known, he still managed to fail sophomore English twice (once during the regular year and again during summer school. What can I say? His talent was tremendous.) and didn’t care much because that wasn’t going to be his focus. College started and once again science and math came as easily as breathing air. Then came second semester Calculus. For the first time in his life, Jon was unable to comprehend the mathematical theories and concepts now being presented to him. Having never had to study for a test before in his life, he took this as a personal insult and immediately said, “Screw it, I’ll be an English major instead.” Not the best decision Jon has ever made, but certainly not the worst.

A: Whew! That was close. Closer than I would have liked anyway…

C0R1E_thegreat said...

Kaite Holmes' teeth weren't that great either, she looked sickly, and not as pretty as she used to be :(.
I, too, am sick of Rachel McAdams.
I'm bummed that Anchorman didn't win more. That movie was amazing.
Dakota is freaky. She is scary even on stage. It didn't surprise me a bit that she would win.
~c

cadiz12 said...

WILFORD BRIMLEY! the oatmeal, i totally know that one! remember when he was in that show home or house or something with shannen d of 90210? but i still don't know the movie.

jon, you shouldn't have given up so easily on t he math and science.

btw, urdu is one of the most beautiful languages in the world.

Jon said...

Corie: the whole awards show was a sham. Best fight should have totally gone to Anchorman, although I did like Kill Bill 1&2. Anchorman might be the funniest movie I’ve seen in several years.

Cadiz: That’s the oatmeal guy, and the show was “Our House” Some detective work on your part and you might be able to figure out what movie it is.

I shouldn’t have, but I was young and naïve, what are you going to do, regret it for the rest of your life? Doesn’t seem like the best plan in the world. So I live with my choice and hope this whole English major thing works out. I will say this though, in all my conversations with math professors, they all agree. At some point in everyone’s mathematical career, they will hit a wall. It’s not a matter of if, it’s when. Some people hit it with algebra, some with calculus, some make it farther… you just never know. I’m pretty sure I hit my wall, and it came up fast. One minute I was doing everything in my head, the next I didn’t know what was going on. Having never faced that before, I made a very irrational decision, but that was due to a very irrational situation for me.

I’m completely unfamiliar with Urdu.

A said...

Oh I hit that wall to with calculus in the second quarter of my freshman year. I just did the absolute minimum math units required for graduation after that. I still miss math but yeah gotta live with that.

I also gave up bio because I was in looooooooooovve with genetics but I knew I'd have to go abroad if I wanted to study genetics and I wouldn't have been allowed to at that point in time.

Cadiz: Yes! I always think that when I read Urdu poetry. Oh..aap se mil ke khushi hui :>

Jon said...

Yeah, somewhere around the time where we started integrating imaginary numbers, I got lost. It’s been about 9 years since I ditched math… funny how time flies.

As for the poetry… yeah, I don’t know what that means…

A said...

Oh I had to complete a certain number of units because I was a stupid Computer Science major. Pure torture. Relative grading, class full of math majors and otherwise math geeks AND me trying to figure out what the hell was going on. How I wish I had switched to Social Sciences...and not just because of the math. But yeah another lifetime it seems now. Though I graduated last year. Time does fly. And we sound like old people who sit and sigh away.

Poetry that was not. I was just trying to tell cadiz that it's a pleasure meeting her.

Jon said...

Computer science isn’t that bad. Could have been much worse. Could have been an English major.

I still have no idea what it means for sure. For all I know, you’re explaining to her that never before in your life have you come across such a dim witted individual. And I would be like, “wow, that really is a beautiful language.”

A said...

Oh oh today saw me sitting infront of the TV for a bit and suddenly my eyes fell upon Tom Cruise hopping all over the place which could have been an awards kinda setting...and I prayed to God to please let it be the show you spoke of so I can witness myself the horror you described. But No. Story ends there.

A said...

So many mistakes. Guess my verbal score on GRE :/

Heh brilliant idea that one. I will start expressing thoughts on those lines as soon as I have established that cadiz does in fact understand/speak Urdu and also is willing to get into a discussion about, oh I don't know, the owner of this blog.

Jon said...

I just updated the post at the bottom with a link to some pics to help you out. Don’t say I never did nothing for you. (or that I’ve never used a double negative)

I have no idea what the scale for scoring is on the GRE, so I’ll guess you got a 500. Whatever that means.

And I’m sure your discussions will be long and fascinating. Even better if they take place solely on my blog where I can foolishly take it all in as a compliment.

A said...

Opening...

GRE, since you really really wanna know, has three sections, verbal, quantitative and analytical writing. The first two are scored on a scale of 200-600 and the third 1-6. Based on the number of mistakes in my earlier comment, I'd give me a 200. The real test is in 19 days.

Oh my eyes!! my goddamn eyes!!! The kid just doesn't stop smiling OR waving all over the place. What IS with that.

A said...

Oh the discussions will be long, fascinating and spread on a number of comments. It's all about P.P.

A said...

over, I meant to say over. I shouldn't even begin to correct myself.

Jon said...

I know it’s against your perfectionist nature, but you need to just let it go. Mistakes happen. Dwelling on them, contrary to popular belief, does not make them go away. (spoken like a true hypocrite, I know)

Not only will she not stop smiling, she also speaks like she’s in her mid 30’s. It’s very unnatural.

Given that you and Cadiz will have soooooo much to talk about, I expect to see the greatest stream of comment P.P. ever. (I admit, that sounds very wrong.)

Also, I regret to inform you that I have to tend to my real life right now, so I gots to go. I apologize, but I’ll be back J

Jon said...

strange, that "J" was suppose to be a smiley face... oh well, maybe next time ;)

A said...

Through what complicated process did this mistake in typing happen, the world will never know. But maybe you use a different keyboard l0. see right there that's what could have been a smiley face. Ok I'll stop right here.

Later then. [I was tempted to make an obvious lame joke about you actually having a real life but I decided to let it go :p]

Jon said...

No, I know what happened. I type everything in MS Word because I’m a terrible speller, therefore to maintain some sense of intelligence and dignity, I spell check everything I write. Doesn’t always work out though. But when I typed the : ), Word automatically made a spiffy little happy face for me, but when I did the cut and past into the comments, it didn’t translate. Ok, really gotta go now. And please, your idea of a lame joke is probably closer to the truth than you realize.

Jack Safety said...

W... Fuck!

I aint got time to read all this!

So uh... [Insert Witty and Topical Post Here]

Yep...

A said...

I do that with emails sometimes. I understand now, the smiley incident. The thing to do is backspace after Word makes that face for you. The smiley remains but the face goes. I'm sure you knew that but still.

It is with envy that I think of people about to go to sleep while I sit here in the office flooding my system with coffee in hopes of waking up. Mornings...argh!

cadiz12 said...

first off, jon, SIXTY-ONE COMMENTS!??!!?!?!? i had to get spammed to see those kinds of digits. hats off to you, pal.

2) i'm going to admit my total dorkdom with this, but yes, i did go to imdb.com with the oatmeal clue and try to figure it out. but because he was in a supporting role and although i figured that'd put him pretty far down on the billing. and the plot summaries that i managed to make it through did not mention any running on water. but i'm going to go out on a limb and guess 1985's 'Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins' because although i've given up, i still want a shot at 10 points. besides, remo looks like such a badass on the movie cover that i have to give him a shoutout.

3) on the urdu thing: A said 'in meeting you, there was happiness,' which just solidifies the point that the language is pretty, because in english that just sounds like a bad fortune cookie message. i could know the language, or i could be relying on a very skilled urdu-speaking pal.

regardless, i wouldn't want to disenfranchise jon, because he's going to help me win a million bucks on 'the amazing race.' but i just might be tempted if one of you explains what p.p. is. (it sounds dirty; maybe i don't want to know)

4) at first i thought dakota had bad *invisible* braces, but now i just feel bad for her because she's probably got to hold on to that grill for another few years till the tooth fairy takes her teeth.

just watch out jon, you're going to feel like a dirty old man when she's 18 and gorgeous and you're sweating her.

Jon said...

A: h, the backspace didn’t work so well, and when I pasted, I was just too hasty with the enter key. If I’d taken a split second longer, I would have caught it.

Coffee is evil. Nothing good can come of it.

Cadiz: 62 now and counting… and only like 40 of them are mine! Pretty sweet! The P.P. thing is my idea of a lame joke. I like to acronymize things into what I consider funny outcomes. It stands for the “Pinacle of Padding” comments. There’s another ridiculously long string of comments back and forth between myself and A on her blog. If I’m at my computer and I get a comment email, I can’t ignore it. It’s the chance for a good conversation to me, so I would be remised if I passed that up. I do love the chit chat, though I’m really quite shy in person. Sometimes it’s easier to type things than to say them.

I would like to hear how the Urdu is pronounced. I have no idea what the rules of speech are for that language, so I can’t even really begin to sound it out.

And by the time Dakota turns 18 I hope to be married with kids and so unbelievably in love with my wife that no one else would dare put a sparkle in my eye. (I am an unrealistic, hopeless romantic.)

Oh yeah, you just got yourself 10 points ;) Nice detective work. Dorks make great detectives.

A said...

Exactly the emails just can't be ignored. esp when you have like work to do.

Feels good when P.P. starts to get noticed. That doesn't make us idiots. No not at all.

Urdu...perhaps something can be arranged so you get to hear it and appreciate the beauty.

Cadiz: What's this about disenfranchisement? The idea was to 'enfranchise' him ;) You know? like between myself and the skilled friend of yours.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Okay Jon, I've decided to stop mooching around your blog and say my piece...you are bloody funny, and I am laughing!

[I had to check my teeth first before I commented...don't need you tellin' me something cheeky about my dentures...]

And so I laugh with complete confidence hahahaha...

Cate said...

65 Comments? Pretty soon your comments section will be as OUT OF CONTROL as dooce's got. And then you'll have to shut it down. And then we will all be so sad.

Jon said...

I know nothing of this Dooce that you speak of. Most of these comments are mine anyway, does that count? I’m not so sure it does… I’ll be posting again tonight so as not to overload the one post…

Cate said...

You've never heard of dooce? Jon, jon, jon. Dooce is like the Queen of Blogging. She got fired for her blog. Her comment section used to be this raging hilarious and random trip. Then people got nasty with each other and she shut down the comments. It was a sad day.

www.dooce.com

Jon said...

I won’t let the rage ruin the fun. At least I’ll try not to. I’m also going to have to try not to get fired… wish me luck!

cadiz12 said...

so wait. are you telling me that I GUESSED IT RIGHT!?!?!?!? i knew with a mug like that, remo wouldn't let me down.

yeah, dooce is the bomb. only she can get away with that much description of poop.

cadiz12 said...

as far as the urdu goes, maybe rent a bollywood film? hindi is not the same, but i understand they borrow so many urdu words it hardly even matters.

Jon said...

Remo never lets anyone down. That movie is great… at least I think it is… the cheese flows, and the comedy is high… it’s just one of those movies…

I’ve never watched much Bollywood, though I’ve heard of it many times before. I think 60 minutes recently ran a special on THE actress there, I guess she’s considered the most beautiful woman in the world? Not sure who ranks these things, not that I’m arguing, I’m just not sure who is in charge. I’ll have to check it out…

cadiz12 said...

wow. i should play the lotto; that remo thing was a total fluke.

yeah, she's beautiful; she was miss universe and she has a brain in her head.

Jack Safety said...

Look... I know you are all having a nice conversation, but Jon never explained the lack of a number 66 statement in his list a lil while back. Its been eating at my soul. MY SOUL!

Right.

Jon said...

It was pulled by my editor for content.

omar said...

Dooce talks of poop at a level that I only dream about reaching...

Anyway, when I saw the number of comments on this post, I thought you got hit with spam comments again. But no. They're all real.

Jon said...

Well, you leave me no choice, I guess I’ll have to see what all this poop is about.

Omar, some people might argue that most of this is spam.

But where the hell are my manners? guyana-gyal was kind enough to stop by and pay me a compliment and what do I do? Nothing. Once again proving what was already known, I’m an ass. Anyway, thanks for stopping by. I can only hope my complete lack of decency doesn’t deter you from dropping by again.

The Everglades said...

And to think, I just joined this conversation.

Dakota looks like a little conehead. That vacant stare. Those sharpened teeth. Her mechanized delivery. She probably had an earpiece with one of her handlers saying, "look cute, goddamnit, look cute! Think about your Creasy Bear from Man on Fire..."

Meanwhile, Tom Cruise is slipping her pamphlets on Scientology and telling her Children's Tylenol is an evil created by monotheist worshipers.

I can't believe you provoked this many comments. A thing of beauty.

Blake

Guyana-Gyal said...

Still droppin' by and I know you love the compliment, don't need to tell me, I know.