I’d like to take a moment to diverge from my usual nonsense and chicanery. I do this from time to time and I think that’s what makes me both annoying and insufferable. Today is one of those days. I have witnessed something so unbelievably tragic in the realm of humanity that I cannot help but address it. It’s usually not in my nature to work out these matters of the heart in a public blog forum with friendly strangers, but like I said, this struck a chord so deep in my heart that I could not forgive myself if I didn’t bring it up here and now.
It’s Dakota Fanning’s teeth. I watched the MTV Movie Awards tonight, and most of the show is a blur because I was unable to focus once I caught a glimpse of Dakota’s grill. They flashed to her in the audience quickly near the beginning of the awards show and I saw something that disturbed me. I passed it off as a moment of quick camera panning and thought, “my eyes have played tricks on me in the past, perhaps this is yet another cruel jest on their behalf. Oh eyes, how I both love and hate!! It is a tenuous relationship we have. A fine line we walk indeed!!”
When Dakota won the award for best frightened performance, (it amazes me why they don’t have some of these categories at the Oscar’s… we may never know why.) her acceptance speech confirmed that my eyes were not, in fact, messing with me. I spent the rest of the show with my head cocked to the right, eyes glazed, mouth slightly open, fighting feverishly with my brain to try and process the horror that was now etched in my mind. The great battle culminated in a large puddle of drool on my right shoulder. That’s not a detail I would normally share, but I feel that the power of that image far outweighs any personal image degradation that may take place due to the public knowledge of said puddle.
I realize that the MTV Movie Awards are only going to be aired 7 times a day for the next 3 months straight, so the chances of anyone getting to see what I’m talking about are virtually non existent. The window of opportunity is so remarkably small that I can hardly expect anyone to know what I’m talking about. I guess it will go down as one of those infamous, “you had to be there,” moments. It is not my intention to tease my readers so much, but as I have stated numerous times already, this picture tube moment in my life has had a profound effect on me this day.
I thought the worst was passed me, but once again, my feeble brain could never have predicted what was to come. Dakota and Tom Cruise presented the last award of the evening, meaning that the end of the show, often the most memorable part, was going to involve that terrifying smile.
Midway through the presentation speech from Dakota and Tom, it hit me: Dakota must have absolutely no idea how hideous her teeth are. She simply won’t stop smiling. It’s like she doesn’t even know that babies everywhere are crying, hoards of children are putting down their candy, parents are desperately trying to locate the remote control to change the channel (Don’t even think for one second that they would consider manually changing the channel on the TV, that is the pinnacle of crazy talk! and I will not make any attempt to even insinuate such a ludicrous action would ever take place in any home inside THESE United States of America!) to prevent those same children from being scarred for life by this visual, vomit inducing display of uncensored oral hell.
Side note: It also gives me the creeps to see child actors talk like they are in their mid 30’s. I can only imagine that the interactions with kids her own age are filled with moments of awkwardness to horrific to even legitimately think about.
Also, it has been said in the past that on rare occasions, I have a slight tendency to “embellish,” or “over exaggerate” in the most minuscule way, certain things that I write about. I hardly think that applies here, but both my lawyers and my editors thought I should note it nonetheless. I initially dismissed them all with my customary, “Oh pish posh! Why don’t you little scallywags run off and bother a hungry wolf or something, hmm?” To which they responded with their usual blend of narcotics and jelly beans in order to get me lucid enough to sign a binding legal agreement to put this bit of nonsense in my post. I hate when they do that.
From what I was able to gather based loosely on my own memory and the notes that my Chinese monkey took, (he didn’t have a problem with the teeth, he actually thought they were sexy, but he’s a Chinese monkey that was raised in the public school system, so he has low standards anyway.) the other highlights of the awards show are as follows:
Best Acceptance Speech: Hands down, this one goes to Dustin Hoffman.
Most of Jimmy Fallon’s sketches were pretty good. In fact, the only thing that I thought he did that was lame was the pathetic movie jokes stand-up he attempted after the Batman Intro. (It should be noted that I’m really not a big fan of puns, so that had a lot to do with why I didn’t like his jokes.)
Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn doing their party crashing class, with a brilliant supporting performance from Justin Long. (It should be noted that ED was one of my favorite shows and I’ve been a fan of Justin (Warren) for quite some time.)
The Breakfast Club Tribute. This reminded me of the crush I used to have on Ally Sheedy. I was excited when they said Yellowcard was going to perform a remake of “Don’t you forget about me” but was extremely disappointed when they actually did perform it. I didn’t like their version at all. I like Yellowcard, I have their album. I like covers of 80’s songs… this had winner written all over it for me, but it somehow still managed to kind of suck. At least for me anyway.
Katie Holmes helped me realize that I have watched a very large quantity of Tom Cruise movies. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Also not sure how I feel about Katie Holmes anymore either. I believe Tom Cruise is a scientologist… those scientologists are crafty, I’ll give them that.
The Rock’s description of his wildest fight… I thought it was funny.
Quentin Tarantino is really not cool. He seemed to be on some sort of a mission to prove that to the whole MTV watching world. I think he was amazingly successful.
I’m officially completely sick of Rachel McAdams.
Hardest award to watch? Best musical performance in a movie. Jon Heder won for Napoleon Dynamite. I don’t have a problem with this, I just feel bad for the channel 4 news team. I thought their rendition of “Afternoon Delight” was also exceptional. It’s hard when you’re up against Napoleon Dynamite though…
Ok, this concludes another waste of everyone’s time.
*****Ok, I found some pics on the teeth online. These are some of the best I could find. Not that great, but I suppose it would be a little unfair to expect someone to magnify her teeth for me. I think she does have braces, but what I also found out is that she lacks some sort of enzyme that allows her baby teeth to fall out naturally to make room for the adult teeth. Consequently, all of her teeth have to be pulled out by a dentist, although I bet if she really wanted to, she could do it herself. All this really goes to show you is that I’m an insensitive ass. But you already knew that. Also, I would like to mention that I really did like her in "I Am Sam," Even though that movie also had Creepy Sean Penn.*****