Thursday, June 16, 2005

Newsflash

Simi Valley, CA. At approximately 2:23 pm this afternoon, in a manner remarkable only in the fact that it was completely unremarkable, it was determined that I officially lost my mind. Few witnessed this tragic (that’s my personal opinion) event. Had I not dropped to my knees and cried out, “For the love of all that is holy and good, what have I done to deserve this?!!?” and then began to weep openly, probably no one would have even noticed. The general consensus is that I’m a little on the wacky side anyways. It’s not uncommon to see me walking around the office with my helmet on and one of those fancy kid harness leashes on. Sometimes I feel like I get paid to be baby sat. Whatever, a job is a job.

The loss of my mind was officially diagnosed by five of our onsite medical doctors and also corroborated by WebMD. When you work for the fastest growing title company in Simi Valley, you have things like onsite medical doctors and vending machines. Perks of the job I guess. But I digress. Once all five doctors nodded in agreement with what they saw onscreen at WebMD, they turned to me and said the problem was my mind, it was gone.

What triggered the investigation into the whereabouts of my mind? That is a fair question and I will answer it. At approximately 2:23, for a period of time I care not to disclose, I discovered myself still searching for the “-“ key on the dial pad of my phone. You see, I needed to make a phone call and I had gotten through the area code and the area code alone because I was desperately (maybe even frantically) looking for the “-“ key so I could move on to the prefix. Once I made that woeful discovery, I hung my head in shame, the phone cut out to the busy signal because I had taken too long and the doctors strolled in. My minds escape obviously left some sort of blood trail behind in the air and the doctors, sharks that they are, picked up the scent immediately and made haste over to my desk.

From there, the doctors proceeded to ask me several questions about myself, like what my name was, where I lived, if I knew my social security number and if I knew the way to San Jose. I slapped the second doctor square on the mouth, made farting noises at the fourth doctor, repeatedly winked at the first doctor and ignored the third and fifth doctors all together. After that brief examination, all the doctors felt they had enough to go on for my diagnosis.

I’m currently in a straightjacket right now. Lucky for me I practice nose typing everyday. Not so foolish after all, is it? (that comment is directed at my father, who for years criticized my relentless practicing of nose typing. He said it would never get me anywhere, well, guess who’s laughing now? I’ll give you three guesses. Come on, I know you can do it! Ok I’ll give you a hint… this man is responsible for getting my mother pregnant with me… any guesses… any at all?)

I don’t know if anyone is going to believe this, but that’s all I’ve got in me right now. I’m all tuckered out and it’s only 12:24am. Looks like I might get a full six hours of sleep tonight. By the way, I didn’t even proof read this one, so you don’t need to point out in the comments how much it sucks. I already know this.

71 comments:

cadiz12 said...

jon, as much as you may deny it, you need to stop hitting the sauce.

Jon said...

Who knew that 10 little shots of tequila could do so much damage?

cadiz12 said...

seriously, what triggered your mind to drain out of your head?

cadiz12 said...

i realize that sounds harsh. i didn't mean it that way. it's just that the post was a little confusing.

omar said...

Do you know the way to San Jose?
I've been away so long, I may go wrong and lose my way.
Do you know the way to San Jose?
I'm going back to find some peace of mind in San Jose.

LA is a great big freeway.
Put a hundred down and buy a car.
In a week, maybe two they'll make you a star.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Dear Jon, I think I saw your mind jogging on our seawall.

Not to worry, it sure was having fun in the early a.m. breeze.

P.S. At least you have a mind. I don't even know if I ever had one to begin with.

Jon said...

Long story short, I need a vacation. I haven’t had one since May of last year. The industry that I’m in is not very conducive to vacations though, there’s never a good time to take one. But take one I must. My job isn’t very conducive to blogging either… maybe it’s time to dust of the old resume?

Radioactive Jam said...

More likely your mind has been either (1) taken into protective custody, or (2) kidnapped.

(1) Seems unlikely because the level of bureaucracy involved would leave a trail visible from space. I asked what's his name to look out the Station window; no trail as far as he can tell.

(2) Also seems unlikely unless you know of someone interested in luring you from Where You Are to Where You Aren't, say for like, I don't know a weekend event. Or something.

You didn't hear it from me.

Glo said...

Obviously, I spared myself a great deal of confusion by getting so excited that the comments had moved to a more conducive location that I skipped the post altogether. So glad when my suggestions are taken to heart...

Glo said...

Having now read the post, am excessively distressed by fact that it made perfect sense. Guess that explains the 5 doctors in the room. I had assumed they were paranoid hallucinations given my distrust of the medical profession in which I work, but since they are now injecting me with happy juice...zzzzzz.

cadiz12 said...

jon, maybe you can skank your troubles away in nyc.

Jon said...

Is that suppose to have some sort of double meaning?

cadiz12 said...

no, dirty boy. you told me it's a dance, right?

Jon said...

Cadiz, one, I’ve lost my mind. Two, I was working with your definition, not mine. Three, I don’t dance, but there’s still plenty of other things I can do to relax my mind while in NYC… I really can’t wait… it’s not soon enough…

cadiz12 said...

well, now that i look at it again, it does sound a lot like the other definition. but hey, trying to pick somebody up will definitely take your mind off your work troubles. maybe it's worth a shot.

you don't need your mind anyway.

personally, i can't wait till i'm not working 6.25 days a week so i can have a day to just sleep.

Glo said...

Oooh. Skankin' it up in nyc...the endless possibilities. I recommend cheesecake on Times Square(perhaps I have my definition of skank wrong, but oh, well?). There's this sleazy little dive where the hostess actually exudes smoke and sun damage. I had a 2nd degree burn and emphysema after she seated us at the table.

Jon said...

While emphysema has always had a special place in my heart, I’ll be spending most of my time in Astoria, at my friend’s apartment. I don’t have a lot of plans… I think I’ll go to a Yankee game on the 5th of July. It’s a day game, so most people will be at work… Mostly I just want to forget about work…

Glo said...

Always the best plan. I've been to nyc several times and never seen any sport. I get too distracted by the plays, I guess.

Jon said...

My brain is so fried right now I can’t even think of anything to say, but the need to keep on commenting is great. I’m not a quitter either…

Glo said...

It'll keep you going for hours. Better than speed, not that I'd know, of course, but that's what the hopped-out-on-blogging kids in rehab tell me.

Jon said...

No way, I’m all natural. You don’t think I maintain my pristine 12 year old boy appearance by using illegal substances like Coke-a-Cola and Mars bars, do you? Hardly…

Glo said...

They say good nutrition keeps you young, but perhaps in your case, we could make some dietary changes to induce aging. A little extra sunlight, low on the antioxidants, stop all fiber, increase the fried foods and - *poof* - 16-year old you!

This was my last stop in Blogland. It's an honor I usually bestow on myself, but thought I'd make an exception just this once.

cadiz12 said...

Astoria? isn't that where 'the goonies' took place? hey, if you see Chunk, tell him i say what's up.

dude, you don't do candy and cola? what are you addicted to?

Jon said...

G-Lo: It is an honor indeed! I’ll get right on that… I want to look 16 so badly!!

Cadiz: I don’t remember if that’s where Goonies took place… I’ll have to investigate.

I’m not addicted to anything that I know of other than air and water. I drink mostly water and Gatorade, almost never any soda (and on the rare occasion I do have a soda, I try to stay away from the caffeine). I don’t really like the carbonation, and I don’t like drinks that are hot, so coffee is out (plus it taste bad). I don’t like the alcohol too much, and honestly, there isn’t anything I can think of that I couldn’t live without. I eat a lot of fast food though, because I’m lazy. I like fruit a lot, and if I’m going to eat any kind of candy, I like the fruit flavored kind. Make no mistake though, I am full of faults.

If anything, I’m addicted to blogging and good conversation. I’m insatiable when it comes to good conversation. I’ve had numerous 8 hour phone conversations with various people, and I really like to get to know someone. I don’t just talk for the sake of talking, I really like to listen more than talk. I’ve never really met anyone that could keep up with me in that area though… but when I do, I think that will be a good day.

jazz said...

g.lo and jon: you must notify me of your nyc visits so i can buy beers for all the times you've made me laugh heartily when i needed it...


yayayyayayay come play!!!!

jazz said...

also, those comments at the top rock.


especially since i never read the posts anyways ;)

Glo said...

I promised I would make it last of the night....

I'm soooo glad that you mentioned you're addicted to conversation, because, without THAT terrible sin, I was swooning over the perfection of your diet. Then I found out you actually like to TALK...well, if a girl can't have surly and noncommunicative then what's left to live for?

And off to bed I go.

Jon said...

True to your word. I respect that. If I didn’t have genetics keeping my body fat percentage between 3% and 4% I would surely weigh over 600 lbs by now. My weight has fluctuated all of +/- 5lbs since my junior year in high school no matter what I do. Everyone always tells me that one day it’s just going to be gone, but I’m not so sure. We’ll see I guess.

Also, I grew up in a good Lutheran church, so I know all about the evils of conversation and talking. What can I say? I’ve always been a rebel.

cadiz12 said...

you guys are right. good conversation is what makes life worth living.

for some reason, i can't drink gatorade. it sort of tastes like sporty Crystal Lite to me. and i'm not much of a pop drinker myself, maybe because caffeine affects me ten times worse than the normal human being. i'm still up from the cafe americano i had two days ago... and waiting for the impending crash.

Glo said...

So sorry, Cadiz - you apparently misunderstood. I abhor good conversation. I purposely hijack comment boxes to stop the flow of conversation and impede society's progress. I thought that was public knowledge by now.

I am, however, deeply jealous of a fast metabolism as mine runs so slow that eating once per decade results in weight gain.

omar said...

My metabolism is equally slow. When I was playing sports, I'd eat whatever I wanted and not gain much (if at all). I kept up with the eating, but not so much with the playing.

Glo said...

Common flaw. I'm proud to announce that even during my aerobics days I retained my lovely fat layer. Eventually, I decided that I really only exercised to look cool. So, when I grew past that need, I gave up the exhaustive non-productive activity and took up something I actually enjoyed.

Chronic_Roll said...

About your profile jon. I remember this joke told by Tina Fey on Weekend Update about a 43 year old former homeless man graduating from Oklahoma State with a degree in English. After graduating, he was now qualified to be, of all things, homeless.

Glo said...

Now that's funny.

Jon said...

it's funny because it's true... :(

Glo said...

I thought I recognized you under that bridge....sorry about the mud. Next time I'll throw it at the guys across the freeway.

cadiz12 said...

oh man, i did read that completely backward. sorry. what was i thinking?

don't worry jon, that degree is going to come in handy when we have to figure out some literary clues in order to win The Amazing Race. and if not, you can give me some good book recommendations for all the traveling.

Jon said...

Oh man, work was hellacious today… I don’t think I checked out anyone’s blog all day! That should be some sort of crime… Anyway, to catch up…

Cadiz: Conversation is my drug of choice. No matter how tired I am, if a good conversation starts, I perk right up. Everything else in life can fade, but good conversation will always be available, and to me that’s priceless.

I didn’t use to like Gatorade either, but I slowly worked it into my diet (prior to that I was the Cran-man, I love cranberry juice. Cran-Raspberry is probably my favorite). After awhile though, everything else started to taste way too sugary sweet to me. It became very hard to drink anything else. It all almost tastes like syrup to me now. And since I almost never have caffeine, it effects me greatly too. I fear the red bull because I’m sure it will make my heart explode. (also, of the two times I’ve been drunk in my life, red bull and vodka was the source of one terrible evening. I couldn’t even stand the smell of red bull for about a year and a half)

Omar: My old roommate is probably a lot like you in that he was very active in high school and ate whatever he wanted, but after college, he kind of stopped being active and went from about 150 lbs up to around 210. He’s about 6’2” so he’s not a complete tub of lard, but he’s a lot bigger than the rail thin kid I knew in high school. I’m still the same. I look just like my year book picture from almost 10 years ago.

G-Lo: I feel like you left us all hanging there… what activity did you take up that you really enjoy?

Chronic: Welcome! Yeah, I remember when Tina said that. I couldn’t help but laugh. I’m a realist, so I don’t try and pretend that my degree is worth something it’s not. Besides, let’s face it, in today’s society, a college degree has become the modern day high school diploma. It’s just not that impressive anymore. But I think my favorite joke of all time from the Tina/Jimmy years on WU, was when Jimmy glued a cell phone to a PS2. Anyone remember that? To me, that was the pinnacle of comedy. (I’m actually retarded too. Keep that in mind. My I.Q. is supposed to be somewhere in the high 60’s)

G-Lo: again? You can throw mud at the other guy, but he’s my best friend, so try to keep it out of his eyes. I understand, as a non-English major, it is your right to sling mud at those of us living under the bridge, but be nice about it, contrary to popular belief, we are people too.

Cadiz: round 2… yeah, you read that backwards, but you were still right, conversation is where it’s at!

I hope you’re right, but I have this great fear of being advertised as an English major, then being faced with an English major challenge and totally screwing up, thus looking like the biggest tool in the world… I’m a gamer though, so that fear doesn’t stop me from trying. I can think of a few books… some light reading, some easy reading and some deep reading… I’ll bet there’s lots of down time on the planes…

Ok, that about wraps it up for this comment, I hope you’ve enjoyed your time here. Approximately three hours elapsed while you read that. As a great man once said, “Stay Classy San Diego.”

cadiz12 said...

nearly all of my bad nights can be attributed to one alcoholic beverage: the long island iced tea.

which is screwed up on many levels. a) i hate iced tea b) i only like long island for the people who live there c)that's a drink that really freaking sneaks up and jumps you from behind d) i am well aware of that, but somehow i found myself going back repeatedly.

it's very troubling. but i think it's out of my system now.

Jon said...

I hate Ice Tea! People are always trying to convince me it’s good. Not coincidentally, I’m always trying to convince them to shut up. Sometimes I wish I could find the joy that so many people find in drinking alcohol, but I just can’t do it. I know it’s out there, a lot of my good friends partake, but it just doesn’t work for me… maybe in the next life…

cadiz12 said...

that's exactly how i feel about liver.

blech. i can't even stand to be in the house when it's cooking.

Glo said...

Yoga.

That's all I can contribute to this conversation.

cadiz12 said...

i love yoga. but i feel silly wearing the pants that are always flooding. what kind do you do?

Jon said...

I’ve never taken yoga, but I find myself getting miffed at people for no reason when they think It’s just about the physical aspect of it, when really, it’s all about the mental.

cadiz12 said...

i'd say it's both. and you have to try really hard not to fall asleep during the cooldown part of it at the end, which is tricky b/c the instructor always turns the lights off.

Jon said...

I know, it is about both, but I always feel like the physical aspect gets all the hype, but there’s so much more to it.

Glo said...

Yeah. Not contributing here, either. I do mostly Hatha, but I started it when I was sick, so it was all about maintaining the physical when I couldn't do cardiovascular or build muscle.

I enjoy the meditation, but it's not my preferred spiritual conduit, so it's more about relaxation for me.

I'm just gonna crawl back into my corner before I stall conversation again.

BTW - Batman was everything you said it would be.

cadiz12 said...

very true; esp b/c it's become so trendy. did you know kristen davis (sex in the city's charlotte) opened her own studio b/c she got so hooked?

cadiz12 said...

1glo, you're really good at this.

is this the batman i should bother seeing?

Jon said...

I’m not afraid to admit that I love Batman. I wish I were him, and not just for the money… I actually haven’t been this fired up about a movie since Pirates of the Caribbean: COTBP. I don’t know what that means to anyone else in the world though…

cadiz12 said...

i didn't get the whole ghost pirate thing in that one. but i was really sleepy.

Jon said...

Didn’t get it? How so?

cadiz12 said...

so they were haunting the area but somehow they could be fought off? i think i was asleep for the fight/explanation scene. but keira and johnny were very good in the part i did see. orlando could have been better.

Glo said...

Yet again, I stop in only to be shocked and horrified! My beloved Orlando was a perfection in the art form!

'Night crazy kids.

Jon said...

Ok, quick explanation, all the pirates stole some gold, the gold was cursed, so anyone that took it was damned. The only way to reverse it was to collect all the gold and shed the blood of all the men that took it. That piece of gold Kiera had was the last piece to reverse the curse. Once all the gold got returned and the blood of the thief was shed, all the cursed pirates would become alive again, and then they could die for real. I thought Depp was in perfect form. His character was awesome. Orlando… eh… I’m looking forward to his next film in which he plays a blacksmith though… (Pirates and Kingdom of Heaven were both excellent films)

Did that make sense?

cadiz12 said...

perfect sense. why the hell didn't they just explain that in the movie? maybe i should try seeing it again when i'm not semicomatose.

i like orlando better as a blonde, pointy ears and all. but don't worry, glo, i recognize his skills.

johnny depp is going to have one of the coolest repertoires. for once, it pays to be picky. but i don't think anyone can top gene wilder in the choco factory.

Jon said...

Yeah, they did explain that in the movie… narcoleptic episodes are not good for movie viewing…

I agree on the upcoming Wonka… that was all Gene… I’ve seen the previews, and my sister and I have many reservations… That’s like her favorite movie of all time, so the remake is going to be hard on her. I’ll probably go see it with her opening nigh though. Gotta give it a shot, plus, I’m a huge fan of Tim Burton.

cadiz12 said...

i love the original, too. can't get enough of those quirky oompaloompas. but the boat scene still kind of freaks me out.

this one's supposed to be a lot darker -- who does dark better than burton? besides, i think roald dahl meant for it to be creepier. from what i understand, he was a pretty dark guy, underneath all the 'giving trees' and 'missing pieces.'

though 'the missing piece meets the big o' is one of my favorite books of all time.

Jon said...

Sadly, I’m not all that familiar… I know the ‘giving tree,’ but not ‘missing pieces.’ My favorite book, (like so many others my age) will always be ‘Where the wild things are.” I’ve always wanted to write a children’s book. I’m pretty sure no one wants that though…

Glo said...

Glad you got that memo....I was about to warn the parents of the world.

Chronic_Roll said...

Charlie and the chocalate factory done in a gothic style by burton should turn out well. I always thought that movie should be used as a satire of something, but it was still a great work.
Aren't they making "Where the wild things are" into a movie too?

Glo said...

I think so. I loved that book, so I'd love to see it.

I'm having a hard time getting excited for 'Charlie' though. Don't know why - I love Johnny Depp and usually enjoy Tim Burton.

Lucky for me, all my friends want to see it, so I'll be going along.

cadiz12 said...

is 'wild things' going to be animated? because if it's going to be live-action, i will boycott. it would be pretty cool in the style of sky captain and the world of tomorrow (though i never did get around to seeing that).

Jon said...

I’d like to see Where the Wild Things Are made into a movie too, but I agree, it should really be animated. I think live action would take away from the believability of it all and would just make a bad movie.

I’m mixed on Charlie because the original was really good. It’s one thing to re-make a sucky movie (Ocean’s 11) but entirely different to re-make a good movie.

I really liked Sky Captain, and when I learned more about it after the fact, I was simply amazed by it. I recommend it, but I think it needs to be viewed on the largest TV possible. Also, I’m a bit of a wide screen snob… I refuse to watch movies in a modified format.

Glo said...

Wide screen snobs made high school such a hell for me...

Jon said...

Sure they did G-Lo… sure they did…

JustJunebug said...

what title company do you work for? random i realize that, but its the first thing that popped out at me as i read your blog for the very first time. i have been in this crazy business for 17 years!

Jon said...

Justjunebug: How the hell do you stand it? I work for Lenders First Choice. You may or may not have heard of us. We’ve only been around for a few years… I was one of the first 30 people here… now we have 5 or 6 hundred. What exactly do you do?

JustJunebug said...

i work for Stewart Title Guaranty. the momma company. over 7000 offices here and internationally. i actually started as an assistant, then moved to las vegas as an officer, then got into the computer/software side of it back in 1994. i couldnt close anymore cause it was going to kill me. lenders choice rings a bell. i just did an install/training for a large company there in the San Luis area back in May!

Jon said...

Yeah, it’s murder. I don’t know how much longer I can take it. Don’t think I’ll be making a career out of it.

Glo said...

Oh, please, great blog gods! Bless Jon with the wisdom to write something new to amuse me...