My economic stimulus plan

I think we've all heard about the economic stimulus plan by now.  It's a lot of money, there's no question about that.  From what I can tell, most people feel like they are giving away their future money to people that are already rich without having anything to show for it.  Well, I have a solution.  T-Shirts*.  I propose that the US Government purchase the following t-shirts to send out to all tax paying citizens.

For as little as 1.6 billion dollars, the US Government can purchase enough shirts for all of the country's tax payers.  Considering the numbers they've been throwing around, that's really not too much to ask, a drop in the bucket really.  Plus, now everyone feels like they're really getting something out of this whole "stimulus" package.  What better way to remember this gigantic economic catastrophe than with a t-shirt?  Years from now we'll all be wearing them with pride as we mow each others lawns for extra cash.

If it ended right there, I think we can all agree that would be pretty sweet, but it doesn't.  I've always considered myself a big picture kind of guy.  I don't look at a puzzle one piece at a time, I look at all of the pieces at the same time, turned face down.  When you look at it that way, you realize that each piece really isn't so different.  You see where I'm going with this?  Yeah, I thought so.

When the government ponies up and buys all those shirts, I'm going to make a small profit.  I'll take the time to remind you that the title of this post is "MY economic stimulus plan."  With that in mind, not only will everyone feel better about where their tax money is going because they'll be getting a shirt, but there will be a giant ripple effect that will reach everyone.  I will make enough of a profit to quit my job.  Guess what that means?  You got it, there's going to be at least one more job opening in this tough economic climate.  You can't argue with those kinds of numbers.  Can you feel the waves?

Not only will I quit my job, but I'll start my own company where I will be hiring people to work with me.  I've already got a list of people I will be hiring and guess what?  They already have jobs right now, so when I hire them away (there will be a 1 million dollar signing bonus, they'd be crazy not to leave their other jobs), that will create even more job openings.  Multiply the number of people I hire by the number of jobs they leave and you'll find that the numbers grow exponentially.  Bigger numbers mean more jobs, am I right?  I will help make some of the biggest numbers out there by multiplying them all together!

I think I've illustrated pretty well how a small 1.6 billion dollar drop can turn into an economic tsunami if it's handled right.  Now it's time for Big G to step up and get this economy moving again by buying my shirts!

*For those of you that think I set up an online store just for this post... well... you know me too well.

Status Update:

It's time for my annual status update. There's a lot going on in this world today and I'm sure you're all wondering how it's affecting me. Please read on and cease wondering.

1. Manny Ramirez. Seriously, why has this guy not been signed by someone? Anyone? You got me.

Sure, he's got a DB for an agent and the market is tough right now, but so what? Other guys have been signing huge contracts without as much justification. (I'm looking at you Mark Teixeira...) I'm obviously biased in this whole thing, so keep that in mind. The Dodgers need to sign Manny and Manny needs to sign with the Dodgers. It's pretty simple. They both make the best fit. Manny seems happy in LA and LA is happy to have Manny. I think Ned has been pretty fair in his offers, so I'm not upset with the organization. I wouldn't want to lock into a long term, expensive contract with him either. I think the idea of guaranteed money is what's really screwing this up. I don't know much about the inner workings of baseball contracts and what not, but that's not going to stop me from thinking I have a fairly reasonable proposal. Manny gets a four year deal that looks something like this:

Year 1: 30 Million guaranteed.
Year 2: 15 Million guaranteed, 10 Million in incentives (don't ask me to break down the incentives because I really have no idea what I'm talking about.)
Year 3: 7.5 Million guaranteed, 17.5 Million in incentives.
Year 4: 7.5 Million guaranteed, 17.5 Million in incentives.

That means that he could potentially be worth 105 Million over the next 4 years if he produces. I'm sure the Dodgers would be happy to pay him that much if he produces, but let's be honest, the guy is 36 (almost 37) years old, these are not supposed to be the years that he gets better. Is he going to be worth a guaranteed 25 million at age 41? I'm guessing no.

2. Michael Phelps. I could not be more sick of hearing this guy apologize. Holy crap, a 23 year old smoked pot at a college party? What is this world coming to? Look, I get it, he's Michael Phelps, phenomenally good swimmer, arguably the worst SNL host ever. I'm just sick of everyone getting up on their soapbox and condemning him like they've never made a mistake in their lives. From what I've heard, you'd think that he was drowning kittens in the blood of unborn babies... I refuse to believe that with all the things going on in this world today, that this could even crack the top 100 for things we should care about.

3. Bud Selig. Get him out and get him out now. I don't think he's good for baseball and his recent comments regarding Alex Rodriguez are almost too much. He's "saddened" by A-Rod's steroid use? Are you kidding me? Anyone that believes he knew nothing about the steroid use in baseball is fooling themselves. I think the Selig era needs to end.

4. My Terrible Fantasy book. Yeah, it's not doing so well. Turns out writing books is hard! I thought just writing a terrible one would be easy, but even that takes work. Even when you ignore stuff like plot, character development, coherence and proper grammar, it's still difficult to write a full chapter, let alone an entire novel. I'm not quiting on this one yet, but I'll be brooding in a corner for awhile...

That about covers it for now. You probably didn't think it would be so sports heavy, but what can I say, pitchers and catchers are reporting... it's time for Dodger baseball!! Of course, Laker basketball is still keeping me quite happy as of late.

Gone baby gone

I carefully weighed all of the comments and thought for what seemed like a full thirty seconds (it was actually twenty nine seconds, but it really felt like thirty) before I made my decision. As you can see below, it was a compromise. I decided to keep the beard, but I also decided to make it very short. It's just under 1/2 millimeter right now. We'll see how long this lasts.



Pay no attention to my uneven ears. (which should be really hard to do now that I've called attention to them)

-- Posted From My iPhone. Zealous?

Beard Status Update

It's been awhile since I last updated everyone on the status of my beard. Judging by the heavy Internet chatter as well as my desire to post pictures of myself taken by myself on myself's iPhone, I feel obligated to post. Of course, I am posting this from my iPhone. I recall not that long ago promising that I would post more often once I obtained the object of my gadget desire. Yet another promise fulfilled by the Shuck 'N Jive!

On to the status update...





As you can see, it's been awhile since my last shave. If I'm not mistaken, the last time I shaved was some time around my birthday. That means it's been well over three months. At this point, the hair on my chin is longer than the hair on my head. This needs to change soon. It's not itchy, but it is starting to feel weird. Maybe if I could grow hair between my jaw and my head it wouldn't be so bad, but as this next picture illustrates, I have a distinct "no grow" zone.





I am physically incapable of growing sideburns. They must be painted on by a team of three special effects artist, and that ain't cheap. Consequently, I only paint on the s'burns when I'm attending an Elvis Presley charity bake-off or when I want to convince random people to purchase slacks that are a half size too small for them. Unfortunately, due to the economic downturn, I've been forced to cut back on both occasions.

I'll most likely be making some beard alterations this evening, so if there are any requests, better get them in early!! I'll be checking my comments incessantly until after Chuck this evening. I'm going to need the distraction from looking at the tv during the show tonight because it's in 3D and I was unable to procure any glasses for proper viewing. I'll probably cry about that some more later. I'm kind of a ninny like that.

Comment early and comment often!!


-- Posted From My iPhone. Jealous?

Me Me time. (That's how I think it should be pronounced anyway.)

Rules:  Something about six non-important things about yourself?  Not really sure.  I skimmed that part.  Looks like the rules were pretty loose anyway.  By this time, I’m sure all three of my readers have seen what’s coming next, so really this is just an exercise in repetition.

1.  I wear socks.  All the time.  I hate being barefoot.  This is of utmost importance; so don’t think that I’m trying to pass my sock-wearing habits off as non-important.  To the contrary, I’m working on a piece of legislature right now that would require all people within a radius of 2 miles of my person to be wearing socks at all times.  Yes, even in the shower.  I know you’re thinking, “How the heck are we supposed to know when we’re within 2 miles of you?”  If this were five years ago, I would have suggested a rotating shift of three, brightly painted helicopters with several orange lights hovering above me at all times.  Basically, if you can see the helicopter, put on your damn socks.  But it’s not 2004, it’s 2009.  If you don’t have a smart phone already, move to Montana because we don’t need your kind around here. We need you in Montana, where the only form of long-distance communication is a series of 43-year-old tin cans connected by some fishing line.  It’s true, look it up.  I have an iPhone, and that’s really what’s most important.  I will commission a government-approved team of iPhone developers to produce an app that monitors my location via the built-in GPS.  Everyone else in the world will then get a separate app for their smart phone of choice that will alert them once they step inside my 2-mile radius.  A simple text message telling you to put on your damn socks will be sent to you.  Obey or be forced to wear a red letter “S” on all of your clothes for a period of no less than 17 years.

I’m sure you’re thinking, “that Constitutional Amendment will never pass.”  But you forget that I’m in Illinois where we [are in the process of impeaching our governor].  Anything goes.  I also possess a dangerously low comprehension of how Constitutional Amendments are made.  That combination could just be crazy enough to work!

 

All that aside, what you don’t know is that when I put on my socks in the morning, I analyze them to determine which one looks like it would be more comfortable on my right foot and which one would be more comfortable on my left foot.  I consider this to be non-important.

 

2.  I still believe I have a shot at being a professional athlete.  As a result of this, I spend the majority of every day not practicing because I also believe that I am naturally gifted.  I keep changing the sport though, because I still haven’t found the one that I’m naturally gifted at yet.  Is procrastination a sport?  Don’t get me wrong, it would be awful television, but I would accept a simple 10-year, $40 million contract to go pro.  That’s only $4 million a year, which for a professional athlete, especially one of my caliber, is pretty cheap. 

3.  I suffer from trichotillomania.  Don’t think for one second that I’m going to tell you what that is.  Today, you will learn something.  You will learn what trichotillomania is, or you will learn that you don’t like me.  Either way, I’m an educator now and I get to update my résumé.

4.  I love to solve puzzles.  Fortunately, I’m ok at it, otherwise number four here would be designated, The Sad One.  Imagine a world where the only thing you like to do is the one thing you are exceptionally bad at…  That is the definition of tragedy. 

TRAGIC YOUTH

By Jon

1/15/09

INT. LIVING ROOM – JUST AFTER SCHOOL

A small child comes bursting through the front door and runs to the coffee table.  A few seconds later, the mother appears at the door.

 

                                                CHILD

                        Mommy, can I do a puzzle?  Pretty, pretty please?

 

We see the mother’s eyes slowly start to swell with tears.  When she can no longer bear it, she runs to the bedroom hysterically, with tears streaming down her face.

 

                                                                                                            FADE TO BLACK.

 

5.  I use Google’s Chrome as my primary desktop web browser.  I think I’m alone on this one.  It can’t do everything that I want it to, but it handles most things quite well.  For those rare times when I need to do something that requires IE or Firefox, I just open them and have at it.  The only problem I ever run into is with the address bar in every other browser.  I’ve become so accustomed to that also being a search box in Chrome that I probably look like a moron to strangers when I accidentally forget that I’m at work and IE doesn’t support that feature.  I’m sure they feel sorry for the sad little boy that can’t even surf the interwebs properly.  It is my fault for trying something new and sticking with it when virtually no one else did.  I like to think Google will offer me a job based solely on the fact that I’ve been a Chrome user since day one and refuse to turn my back on it.  I will become their Chrome shill should they so choose.  I have almost no experience at being a professional shill, but my amateur shill efforts in the Tivo and iPhone arenas are pretty well documented.

6.  Daily lessons are an important part of life.  I take these lessons in and ponder them at length over a glass of sherry and a slice of Brie.  The other day, it was brought to my attention for probably the fifth or sixth time by my Girlfriend that a double space is not required after a period at the end of a sentence.  My Girlfriend is a person with a very special set of skills that make her an authority on this subject.  I had rejected these claims of hers in the past citing my own degree in English, but they were always met a dismissive, “ok.”  You know the kind, it’s usually paired up with a slight head nod and it smacks of your-an-idiot. 

--Quick aside—

A degree in English requires almost no knowledge of proper grammar, spelling or neat penmanship.  Those sorts of things often accompany an English degree simply because you are required to read an exhausting amount of literature and write endless papers that no one really wants to read.  Some of this literature **cough** fantasyandfairytales **cough** is written with such reckless abandon for the English language that it aptly gets filed under the category of Abomination. 

--End aside—

For whatever reason*, I picked up a professionally printed book and took a close look at it.  I blacked out shortly thereafter, so who knows what I saw.  All I know is that I put two spaces after a period because that’s how I like it.  The point is that my Girlfriend is probably right, but we’ll never really know for sure because I blacked out and can no longer read anything printed that I didn’t write myself.  It’s weird but true.  You can’t make this stuff up.

Well there you have it Madelyn.  I’m sorry it was short, but I like to be brief.  That’s just how I am.  Hope it was worth the wait.

And now, I will tag Google.  I tag them to offer me a job.  I’ll do anything as long as I can do it from home and it doesn’t require that I eat any mysterious meat-substitute products that show up at my door.

*If I’m not mistaken, this was the only time we’ve ever had that conversation where a professionally printed book was within arms reach. 

The face of evil

It's not every day you get the chance to stare evil right in the face. Even if you did have the chance, I'm not sure it's something you'd really want. I've been staring at it for the past two days and I can tell you for a fact that it is terrifying.

Take a gander yourself, but be warned, you might want to put on some diapers for this one.








There are supposedly a thousand words that make up the worth of this picture, but there are none to describe the horror that fills your soul when you see this creature dance the Christmas chicken dance. Fortunately for all of you, my iPhone doesn't do video. You can thank me now for not giving you a reason to end your ability to hear and see. Ok, maybe just for the hearing, but then again, you might not be feeling so thankful after revoking your own eye privileges. I understand and respect your feelings at this time.

This concludes my first official post with my iPhone. Oh yeah, I have an iPhone, did I mention that? Yeah, it's true. Now I can finally type résumé without anyone asking me what exactly I'm about to resume. That should clear up an extra three hours for me everyday now that I won't have to reply to all those resume vs résumé related emails. What am I going to do with all that free time? Perhaps I'll look into this myspace thing all the kids are talking about.*

* this last sentance is supposed to be funny because everyone knows that facebook is where all the cool kids hang out these days. Maybe writing out this explanation takes away from that humor, but I'm much more worried that people are going to think that I'm actually going to spend time on myspace.



-- Post From My iPhone

NOW WITH EXTRA PALPABILIVITY!

The mood here at the Shuck N' Jive is tense.  

Very tense.  

Very, very tense.

Let me back up a little bit.  I want an iPhone.

Let me back up a little more.  About 6 months ago, I had my first real encounter with an iPhone.  Up to that point, I wasn't that impressed.  I knew what it was capable of, I just wasn't that interested.  But then I got to hold one.  Here's a sad secret about my current, some say unhealthy, obsession with the iPhone:  

The thing that made it all click, the feature that made me think, "If I don't get one of these soon, I will consider myself a failure at life and possibly other things." isn't what you might suspect.  It's not an app.  It's not a better Internet in my pocket.  It's not even having a qwerty keyboard instead of a number pad with which to type words like, "Adequisivity," or "Strategery."  No, the thing that got me is the touch screen.  And I don't mean the fact that I can do things just by touching the screen, I mean the glass itself.  It's some sort of high-grade aircraft-certified glass.  (As a small side note, you might think that the glass, being the feature that put me over the top, would deserve some sort of cursory research on my part so as to determine exactly what it is that makes it so great.  But that would take away the magic for me, and if you know nothing else about me, know this;  I don't like my magic to be taken away from me.)  When my friend took his keys and tried to scratch the glass with a sharp edge and the device came away looking as pristine as ever, I literally wet my pants.  Just so we're clear though, I was sitting down and I did not pee myself, that would be gross.  The moisture was from the drool that fell errantly from my mouth.  This is also gross, but considerably more acceptable and way less smelly.

Let me back up just a tinsy bit more.  I'm insane.

I started downloading apps for the iPhone about a week and a half ago.  I am not ashamed of this fact.  I know people that have owned an iPhone for over a year and have still not downloaded a single app.  I think that's something to be ashamed of.  So, while some people out there may make fun of me for preparing myself for my eventual iPhone purchase, I will feel sorry for them because they probably don't have an iPhone and consequently will never feel joy in life.  Therefore they deserve my sympathy.

I'm sure there's at least one of you wondering what's keeping me from getting an iPhone right now.  That's a fair wonder.  I don't have AT&T, so I have to wait for my current contract to expire so that I can properly exploit my free agent status just like any other sub-par professional athlete would.  December 7th.  That's the day I become an unrestricted free agent. 

I'm not really at liberty to make claims that I cannot guarantee or back up with some sort of monetary leverage, but I'm pretty sure that once I obtain my precious, I'll be posting a lot* more.

*I reserve the right to define "a lot" as "a little," or "hardly any."

Magnet Puzzle Part 2

A few people have shown some interest in exactly how I made my magnet puzzle, so I thought I'd give a little more detailed account of the steps I took.  Feel free to skim over this as I will most likely saying entirely too many irrelevant things.

First up, SUPPLIES!  You will most likely need the following items:

1.  3/4" wood blocks.  You'll need at least 16 of these, but more if you plan on making mistakes.  You can find some at your local hobby shop, or you could purchase some from here online.  I've never purchased from this place, so I don't know what kind of service you're going to get.  Feel free to find your own wood block provider. 

2. 1/8" Diameter by 3/8" long neodymium magnets.  These are extremely strong magnets for their size.  You'll need a minimum of 96 to complete the puzzle, but I encourage you buy a few extra just in case.  I'd recommend this place.  They are well priced and I received them in about 4 days.  Again, if you have a favorite neodymium magnet warehouse of your own, feel free to use them.

3.  1/8" Drill bit.  (guess what's coming next...)

4.  Drill.  Preferably, you should do this with a drill press.  I didn't, but I really wish I had.  It's much easier on your hands and sanity.  

5.  Glue.  I used crazy glue when necessary, but probably anything will work.  It won't take much.

6.  Patience.

7.  Humility.

8.  More patience.

9.  Festive decorations for when you finally complete the project.

Some of those items are negotiable, but I'm pretty sure you're going to at least want some streamers to put up for the celebration.

Once you've got all the parts ready, it's a pretty simple process.   There's really just a few steps:

Step 1.  Drill some holes in some blocks.

Step 2.  Puts some magnets in those blocks.

Step 3.  Make someone put together the puzzle blocks.

That's pretty much it.  Below are a few helpful pictures.  I've included a map of how I laid out the magnets.  There is also a template for each of the two types of blocks you'll need to make.  There is also a picture of my blocks with the little drill guide templates taped onto them.  You'll want to drill those holes just a bit over 3/8" deep.  Putting the magnets in is pretty straight forward once you figure out how to keep the poles straight.  Most of mine fit pretty snug and stayed in on their own after I lovingly tapped them in with a hammer.  Some were a little loose, so glue was necessary.

IMPORTANT NOTE:  There are two types of blocks that make this whole thing work.  In order to get the magnets to line up properly, you have to make 8 of each kind of block and then alternate between the two as you put the magnets in.  I'd recommend laying it all out and taking your time.  Nobody wants a puzzle they can't actually complete.  If you look at the pictures of the actual puzzle in the post below, it should make sense.

FULL DISCLOSURE:  When I first thought of this, I didn't actually intend on making the magnets go diagonally.  I pictured them being side by side so that any piece could go anywhere.  But then I go the magnets, and I realized they were too big to work that way, so I found a way to fit the magnets I had in the blocks that I had rather than just buying shorter magnets.  I'm actually happier with it this way because I feel like it's hard enough as is without making the pieces even more similar.  However, if someone wants to make their life infinitely more frustrating, by all means, modify the plans to your heart's discontent.  

FINALLY:  If anyone out there does try and make this on their own, please leave a comment and a link showing us how it turned out, or if you have any design improvements, please share those as well.  Thanks, and I hope you enjoy the puzzle! 

REALLY THE FINAL THING:  If you're not sure you want to take on the whole thing, I highly recommend making just the four center pieces using all of the 32 magnets that would require.  I've found that just getting those four pieces together is a challenge in and of itself.

Also, if I didn't address any questions, feel free to ask away in the comments.  I'll answer any questions that I can and make up answers to the ones I can't.  Here's hoping I know the answer to your question!

Magnet Puzzle

You'll have to excuse me for a moment. Today we're going to diverge from the usual nonsense and chicanery to show you a little project I've been working on for awhile. It's a magnetic puzzle.

Basically, it's a puzzle made with magnets. It's kind of self explanatory like that. So far, I have only been able to put it together one way. I've come close a couple of times with slight variation, but the last couple pieces just wont fit, so I'm pretty confident that there is only one way to do it. There are up to eight magnets on each piece and I've varied which way the poles are directed to created the unique pieces.

If you have any questions, feel free to leave a comment, or you can email me direct at jmuller808517@gmail.com. Enjoy the pics below!

Nobody to blame but myself... but I'll probably still point the finger at someone else when they're not looking

Some of you may not be aware of my deep love of coffee cake.  Well, it's there and it is very, very, very deep.  It's blasphemously deep.  That is why the events that took place today hurt so much and brought about a level of shame usually reserved for fans of Kenny G.  

I was forced to throw out the equivalent of two slices of coffee cake.  I'd rather not get into the circumstances that allowed this travesty to happen.  Dwelling on the past wont bring those poor slices of coffee cake back.  Just know that deep down in my heart, I'm in a lot of pain right now.

I'm flying to New York tomorrow to try and escape the misery that I have created... or I may have actually booked the flight weeks ago so that I could visit my friends.  It's hard to be sure what the truth of the matter is right now.  The tears blur the vision something awful, that's for sure.  I should probably pack or something.

ok, bye.