Friday, August 31, 2007

Another P.S.A.

From time to time, we here at the SNJ feel a responsibility to inform the general public about things that we consider offensive and should be avoided if at all possible. The topics range from movies to computer problems to spiders and everything in between. (Answer to the question you’re thinking: Yes, that statement would have been much more effective if I had started with a topic that began with the letter, “A” and ended with a topic that began with the letter, “Z.”) This responsibility, for the most part, is ignored 90% of the time. We shirk responsibility. We’re not proud of it, but we’re also not liars. We’re shirkers, but we don’t lie about it.

Welcome to the 10%. Some people like to look at the glass as 90% empty, with mostly backwash left in the cup, but we prefer to think of it as 10% full, with a promising new flavor combination made up of all natural additives.

----------Begin P.S.A.----------

For those of you that think having thousands of ants crawl around your house is a good idea, think again. I’ll admit, they are fast and efficient. They are very strong for their size, so you think to yourself, “I bet I could get them to do all the chores around the house. I’ll bet they could do the dishes and vacuum the living room. Maybe if I ask real nice, they’ll even mow the lawn.”

I can see where you’re coming from. Those are all very sound arguments. But just like communism, it’s a good idea that never really works in practice. It turns out, ants don’t take directions from human beings very well. I know there’s a mountain of information that says otherwise at your local library, but all of that information was compiled during the 70’s when bell-bottoms were considered an acceptable fashion statement. Can any society that approved bell-bottoms really be considered a reliable source? Or even intelligent? I say no, it cannot.

The truth of the matter is that ants are only looking out for themselves, and they don’t really care that you have a dinner party at 7 pm and you need the house to sparkle. You’ll come out of your room, dressed to the nines and ready to entertain at a quarter to 7 only to see them all milling about a box of donuts, without having done a single dish or even straightening up the couch cushions. Now you’re in a bind. You can’t call off the party, the invitations were engraved!! Sure, you can turn off the lights, move your cars out of the driveway and pretend that you’re not home, but that stunt has been pulled so many times, they’re sure to see right through it. No, your best bet is to turn it into a theme party. White trash meets high class. Open a can of beer, pour it all over yourself and just commit to it. If you commit to it and make them believe this had been your intention all along, then pretty soon you’ll have all of your guests pouring various alcoholic beverages on themselves and having a wonderful time.

----------End P.S.A.----------

I think we’ve all learned a valuable lesson today about percentages and how they affect your everyday life with the ants. Keep the ants outside kids. In the end, no matter how good the idea sounds, having thousands of ants inside your house to do all of your chores just doesn’t add up.

PS, if there is anyone out there that claims to be able to communicate with ants, however absurd that may sound, please come over and kindly ask all of the ants to leave our house. Thank you in advance.


cadiz12 said...

i'm sure there's an Ant Whisperer our there that can give them some marching orders.

cadiz12 said...

and by our, i mean out.

Nadia said...

This is exactly why I switched to spiders years ago. Sure, they harbor potentially fatal venom in their needle-like fangs, but they're much more obedient than those damn ants, especially when the person giving orders is dressed in an orange cat suit and wielding a rolled-up newspaper.

I don't really know what that's about, but I'm not complaining.

Well, I am, but not about this. That's a story for another comment, folks.

cadiz12 said...

plus spiders feast on my sworn enemy: the mosquito. i can't praise that trait enough.

omar said...

I don't know, I had some ants help me move out of my old apartment, and I can't praise them highly enough. Maybe it depends on which kind of ant?

Lia said...

I think you've got significantly more glass there than you need. I wouldn't do away with the full 90%, though, because there is an issue with the safety factor. But still; highly inefficient. Unlike ants.