It's about time, isn't it?

The world is a tough place, and there are some fantastic inventions to help make it easier. Like Tivo… if I could legally marry Tivo, I would. And I would not care about the constant mocking from my friends and family, because my love for Tivo is so deep and true that nothing could ever separate me from it’s warm embrace. My point is, Tivo makes life better, but I think there are still some other ways to improve life on planet Earth… maybe not on Saturn, or Mercury, but definitely on Earth. The following are some ideas that I fully expect the world’s top scientist to commence research and production of almost immediately after I post this. (I’ll allow for the insanely miniscule chance that some of them might be in the restroom and therefore unable to begin almost simultaneous to my posting)

1. An ejection seat on all new automobiles.

Obviously I want flying cars. Who doesn’t? In the mean time, how about helping a kid out and providing me with an ejection seat for both myself and my passengers? The way I see it, this is useful in many ways. First of all, if you can eject from your car a few split seconds before a head on collision with someone traveling 90 mph, how is that not a good thing? You can’t argue because you will lose. And Second (I feel very strongly about this one) to dispose of an annoying passenger. How many times have you been stuck in the car with some pain in the ass annoying person? If you’re like me, it’s happened approximately 1,279 times, and that is 1,279 times too many. Do you have any idea how hard it is to nonchalantly reach over, unbuckle their seatbelt, open the door and shove them out onto the highway? Believe me, I’ve tried. The questions usually pop up when you unbuckle their seatbelt, “Hey, what are you doing?” I’m a terrible liar, so this question has always been the death of me. I usually say something like, “I’m trying to push you out of my car because you are annoying as f*&%.” People, I only weigh 135 lbs, I’m not muscling anyone over the age of 6 out of my car. All I’m asking for is a tiny little button, maybe strategically located on the steering wheel, so that I can easily jettison even the most hefty of annoying passengers. I feel like the technology is there, lets make this happen.

2. Floating Televisions.

Easy to move, adjustable heights, no need for an entertainment center, what’s not to like? I can think of literally 1 or 7 reasons why we need something like this to exist in the world. Look, we already have floating DVD players, Floating Microwaves, Floating dishwashers and floating sub atomic nuclear reactors, I don’t see why we’re dragging our feet with the floating Televisions.

3. A bathroom door that will not open for you until you thoroughly wash your hands.

This is of the utmost importance to me. I have yet to meet a person that wasn’t horrified by those specials on TV where they show you just how much fecal matter covers EVERYTHING. And they wonder how it all gets there… well, this is a huge pet peeve of mine, but nothing makes me want to curl up in a ball and die because there is no hope left for this species more than when I’m washing my hands in the bathroom, and I hear the flush from a stall, and a guy comes out and heads straight out the door without even considering washing his hands. This happens way too often. And there’s pretty much only one reason the guy was using the stall (unless they are like me, I have an amazingly shy bladder, and even then, hands must be washed every time because there is nothing clean about the bathroom. I don’t care how clean you think you keep that area of your body, the bathroom is a filthy place where filthy things happen) and to not wash your hands is unforgivable. (One of the IT guys where I work is a big time offender. I will never ever ever ask him for help, and if he touches my stuff, I will burn it.) I’ve developed a hand washing method that borders on irrational. I realize it makes me insane, but I like to think I’m cleaner for it. The key is to hold on to that paper towel once your hands are dry, you’ll need it to grab the handle on that filthy filthy door to get out. If they have one of those dreaded air dryers, either accept your fate or wait for someone else to open the door. It could take time to wait and or be a little awkward for the other people watching you stand by the door, but after you’ve done it enough, the awkwardness fades.

Well, those are three superior ideas if I do say so myself. I expect I’ll be reading about some exciting new developments in the paper tomorrow… and I can’t wait to see the next issue of “Stupid Inventions Thought Up By Jon That Will Never Ever Be Made” I’m not sure why I started subscribing to that magazine in the first place… I probably just like the name… OK, enough. I’m out!