Sunday, April 10, 2005

Mind if I waste your time?

As I mosey through the blog world, I have noticed some disparaging rumors about life here in Southern California. Being a resident of this fine state for 24 ½ years of my 27 years of life (by the way, could I mention my age again? Jesus H. Christ, am I looking for a parade in honor of me being 27? Get over myself already!) I feel it is my duty to dispel these untruths.

Myth #1. Everyone in Southern California has at least 17 cars.

This simply is not true. I only have 12, and my sisters only have 6 a piece. We are just a simple middle class family, I mean sure, the upper class folks that live on the hill probably have at least 23 cars each, but they all inherited their money from wealthy grandparents that sold cocaine back in the 80’s… or maybe they were doctors and lawyers… I’m not really sure, but I hardly see how it matters. I just think they should take down that big neon sign at the top of the hill that says, “We are better than you in every way imaginable, and in a lot of ways that are unimaginable.”

Myth #2. Southern Californians have perfected time travel.

I’m sad to report that this is also not true. I wish it were, but it is not. Time Travel we’ve got… perfected it we have not. (By the way, that’s actually our unofficial state motto) We can send people through time no problem but we have no control over when they get sent to, and we cannot bring them back. Mostly we just send people away that we don’t like, but on the whole, since we haven’t perfected it yet, we don’t do it much. We are light years ahead of North Dakota though… I think they’re still trying to figure out indoor plumbing to be honest with you. (Ok North Dakota, I just insulted your entire state, I expect to receive some angry hate mail from all 10 of you in the near future, provided of course you can figure out how to turn on the computer AND figure out the internet… who am I kidding, I’ll never hear from anyone in North Dakota! Seriously, how many signatures would it take if I wanted to formally petition the United States Government to offer North Dakota to Canada as a gift? You know, just to say, "hey Canada, nice to have you as a neighbor, enjoy some North Dakota.")

Myth #3. The whole state of California constantly vibrates.

When are people going to learn? Ok, yes we have earthquakes, but they are not an everyday thing. They only happen on the third Wednesday of every other month between the hours of 2pm and 4pm. And the vast majority of earthquakes are harmless, they are like a mother, gently waking a small child from a nap when it’s time choke down some creamed peas. Maybe once every 10 years or so a big one hits, it lasts for about 30 seconds, we all scream in unison, “Oh no, here we go again!” and then it’s over before you know it. The police distribute government issue brooms, we sweep up and we're done. Other states have seasons for their natural disasters. We at least have the decency to schedule them so no one is truly inconvenienced. Look at Florida… Hurricane season? No thank you. Even after a week of 150 mph winds and torrential downpours, once everything stops, the place is still flooded for another week or so. I guess I grew up spoiled, but I’ve never been able to sleep under water. You can call me a baby, and I’ll respect your opinion, I just won’t agree with you.

Myth #4. The only things Californians eat are energy bars and fruit smoothies.

I’m not sure who started this one, but I can tell you this, that’s only on Tuesdays during the winter months, and it is for health reasons. The California Food and Drug Administration took a poll in 1988 and they found out that every one wanted to be like Kirk Gibson, the Dodger whose pinch hit home run won game one of the ’88 world series. After a committee of 279,043 members was assembled, they took 12 ½ years to come up with the “Tuesdays are for energy bars and fruit smoothies, but only during the winter months” campaign. We all knew it was stupid, but 2 things made us go through with it. 1. We all still wanted to be like Kirk Gibson. And 2. In 12 ½ years, we had spent well over 3.6 billion on the whole thing, so we felt we were financially obligated to follow through. We all saw what happened to Delaware when they spent a similar amount of time and money on their, “15 hot dogs a day, that’s all we ask” campaign. They took such a beating in the media, it was ridiculous. I think they probably made the right decision when they canned the project, but sometimes when you’re wrong, you have to argue like you’re right just to save face, otherwise, the other states start to lose respect for you, and you simply cannot have that if you wanted to be in the royal court at the USA homecoming dance.

Ok, I feel a lot better now, and I think I’ve done a lot to educate everyone on the dangers of spreading rumors and not washing your hands after you use the rest room. It’s disgusting, and there is just no need for it.


scribe called steff said...

I like earthquakes.

I'm too cheap to pay to go to the amusement park, so it's kind of like the rides come to me.

Which is convenient.

cadiz12 said...

so when are you going to patent this sending-people-away-through-time-travel thing? i've got a couple of irritating candidates and mailing peeps to abu dhabi only worked for garfield. i'd be willing to pay up to $15.75 for a viable way to get rid of them.

Jon said...

$15.75 is some serious cash, so I know you’re not just jerking my chain… nobody throws around numbers like that unless they have a real problem… I will bring up your request to the committee, and once I tell them of your generous financial offer, I’m sure they will listen, however, there is some red tape involved in me presenting them with your offer in the first place… as a show of good faith, if you would be willing to wire an additional $1.19 to my account in the Cayman Islands (account # 20-8-9-19_9-19_14-15-20_18-5-1-12) so that I can grease the right palms, I might be able to speed up the process. In the mean time, I suggest you practice up with the tranquilizer gun and utilize what resources are currently available… i.e. tranq ‘em, box ‘em, and FedEx ‘em overnight to some remote location in South America. (hey, it worked on Michael Douglas in “The Game”) Careful if you do this on a Friday though, because you have to remember to check the Saturday Delivery box, and they don’t always deliver to some remote locations on Saturdays, and the last thing you need is an annoying person waking up inside a box at FedEx headquarters in Memphis… There they can complain to the local authorities, and someone might actually listen to them…not so much in a small cocaine village in Columbia…

Jack Safety said...

That is some marvelous advice!
Why I washed my hands after using the restroom just yesterday!

jazz said...

my mother lives in CA. i forwarded this to her. she thought it was funny.

cadiz12 said...

serious, i am, my friend. and i think $1.19 is worth saving myself all that stunning/boxing/wishing/hoping.
besides, i always tend to cut my fingers against that toothy thing that's supposed to cut packing tape. will that be moneyorder or certified check?

Jon said...

I prefer you wire it directly into my account. I have a pretty low average monthly balance, so if you send me a check, they will only let me access $.53 for the first 3 weeks and they will put a hold on the rest. I hate that, plus I will need access to all of the funds almost immediately. I’m not a liberty to discuss why, but let’s just say “Three Men and a Little Lady” just came out with a deluxe DVD with all kinds of interviews with the cast and crew about there was totally a dead kid in the background of that one scene, and I have to check that out… I mean… uh… I can’t talk about it!! I’ve got to go…