Monday, April 04, 2005

The Bee's Knees

I went to a semi magical place today. I say semi magical because it wasn’t open… the level of magic cannot be officially determined until I visit this place again when it is open. To my knowledge (which if you’ve read any of my other posts, you know it’s extremely limited) it is the only place of it’s kind. I have never seen one before and I’ve never even heard of one before. Will I stop dragging this out and tell you already? Ok, it was a Ping Pong Parlor. Basically, a pool hall, only for ping pong. This place is located a good 45 minutes to 1 hour from my current residence, but the idea of it intrigued me so much that the fact that gas is $934/gallon didn’t even factor into my decision to make the drive as soon as I heard of this wonder land.

I’m 27 right now, which often times makes me think, “F&$%, I’m 27!” and I’m at that point where I might have to start to consider growing up. I’ve always been a procrastinator though, I’m a six time Procrastinator of the Year award winner (and someday I may even go claim those awards… maybe I’ll do it tomorrow). My point is, I don’t drink, I don’t do drugs, I don’t date much (yes, that would be one date in the last 2 ½ years… that’s normal though, right?), so what else am I going to waste money on? Besides rent I mean… Enter the Ping Pong Parlor, or the Triple P, as I will call it, a name that will definitely not be used by anyone else because it is way too stupid. I was going to use P^3, but it’s hard to say that and not sound like a complete dork. I’m also painfully aware of the fact that any time I use these acronyms, no one is going to know what I am talking about, and I will look to the ground with defeat, kick the dirt, and mutter something about how I’m talking about the Ping Pong Parlor and I heard that’s what all the cool kids are calling it… I will of course be called on this blatant lie for the umpteenth time and be told that no one is ever going to call it that and I should stop trying before I say in front of the wrong people and I get beat up. Hey, I live in Simi Valley, it’s a hard town with mean streets…

What the crap was I even talking about? I could reread what I’ve already typed, but, uh, you don’t become Procrastinator of the Year, and with a little luck, Procrastinator of the Decade, by doing stuff right away and in a timely manner… I’ll reread it later and just delete this part of the post…

At this point, there are certain facts that basically demand I go to this place, and that I go often.

Undeniable fact #1! I have my own paddle… if that isn’t a sign from above, I honestly don’t know what is.

Undeniable fact #2! I like to play ping pong… I think you see where this is going… it’s not even about me anymore; it’s about a higher power constructing a life for me. I literally have no choice in the matter.

Undeniable fact #3! I don’t have a life… this has been so well documented over the past decade that it’s going to take 3 supercomputers working round the clock for the next 24.8 years to fully assess and evaluate the data.

I had a team of 73 scientists, all of whom were formerly employed by NASA, break these facts down to one irrefutable truth: I need to play ping pong. It’s not even about what I want anymore, it’s what I need.

I feel like this nonsense has gone on long enough… I need to go eat or something…

11 comments:

scribe called steff said...

You have to keep going around and posting comments on sites, then you'll get your comment streak back. I forget what you said and where, yesterday, but I laughed my ass off and had to check it out.

I don't have much readership yet, but my quality of content's going up, and I'm doing this slutty little commenting thing, and it seems to be paying off.

Fun, fun.

I thought this posting was pretty funny in bits, though. I'm having a hard time rectifying how freakin' LOUD that place would have to be. Ping pong! Jesus!

cadiz12 said...

so do you play pingpong with the layperson's shaking-hands grip or the spread-out-fingers-claw grip?

i don't know much about ping pong, but i used to sit through a bunch of tournaments for a boyfriend and i always thought the claw grip was kind of intriguing, but scary. that and the maniacal look 11-year-olds get when they're trying to beat someone three times their age.

Jon said...

Dear scribe…

Well, if it was so amazingly spectacular that you forgot it in less than a day, I must be doing something right!! I only post on the sites that I actually like. The ones that I feel are funny and intelligent… but I haven’t really gotten much positive feedback… no negative either, but I have low self esteem, so I’m kind of a pessimist like that. And I don’t want to be that A-hole that keeps posting on someone’s blog even though everyone thinks he’s an idiot and really wishes he would stop… so I’m at a bit of an impasse… and I’m back up to 11 hour work days, and I gots to watch my Lost/Alias/Dodger games… so I have less time than I would like. And I only get about 6 hours of sleep a night… and I don’t drink coffee or any caffeine really. It will not be a surprise when I die at age 43 of old age…

scribe called steff said...

You should keep commenting. Obviously you enjoyed receiving some comments, and I certainly enjoy them on my blog, so that's just how it works in blogland. Most blog owners won't respond to comments. Not sure why, but that's just the way it goes.

It's a big dynamic world of blogging out there, and most people won't comment unless you're way off the wall. Hell, none of my friends comment on my blog, just two or three or four people from time to time, sometimes none. Ah, well.

And everyone has self-esteem issues. Some people just hide it better.

cadiz12 said...

jon, i'm a regional procrastination champ and just got a nomination for procrastinator of the decade, myself. you've got some stiff competition, pal.

and scribe, i wanted to check out your blog. i usually just click on the person's name to get there, but your profile is restricted. that might be keeping a few people from posting.

jazz said...

jon, first off...hate to rain on your parade, but in NO TIME this place will turn into a beer pong saloon. same thing happened to a place on the upper east side. people who mention actually playing ping pong at this place are laughed out ;)

also, will start commenting more on your entries. i read them. i just don't always post. i think the posts you've left for me have been hilarious! i'd read a blog full of nothing but your posts, to be perfectly honest!

Lunatic said...

What the fuck is wrong with calling it P cubed? Or triple P? I think I would kick someone's ass if they called it "The Ping Pong Parlor." Weren't parlors for prostitution in the old west? as in "parlor games." I need some parlor games. Man, that's a funny word, parlor, parlor...

Josephus said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Josephus said...

Jon-
This comment is in no way related to your post but it is in regard to a post you made on Caught you looking referring to my post. I was in no way serious about the McDonald's lawsuit comment. I understand what happened with the claim and the post was kind of an inside joke although I do think that product liability claims are bull shit in certain circumstances due to product misuse and negligence. Anywho I appreciated the comment anyway. Later.

PS I removed the last comment because there was a typo.

scribe called steff said...

My blog address is www.thelastditch.blogspot.com.

BogSpot has fucked my profile up, ergo I am unable to share it. I keep forgetting about that. I will start whoring out my URL for the masses to consume. Thanks. :)

Jon said...

Well first off, let me just say thank you for the comments, this post is a new personal best for me, never thought I’d see the day when I hit double digits on comments…I promised myself I wouldn’t cry… now to tie up some loose ends…

Scribe called steff: With a renewed sense of confidence, I will continue to post on other blogs. And I’ve started wearing jeans again for the first time since 5th grade, hopefully that will do the trick as far as hiding my self-esteem issues so they aren’t out there flapping in the wind for everyone to see and mock.

Cadiz12: you made it past regionals, congrats, but I still believe with the utmost confidence that when they announce Procrastinator of the Decade for 1991-2000. I don’t know if you understand what you’re up against… in 1977, it started when I was born 2 weeks late (actually a true story, my uncle teased my mother that I would be born on Halloween, and his strange prediction came true. 2 of my 3 sisters were also born in Oct. one on the 6th and one on the 14th, and it’s one of those creepy things where you trace my mom’s b-day back to Jan. 10th and cringe just a little bit…but I digress) and from that day forward, I just got better at what I did… Kindergarten? Took me 2 years to get through that. (also true, well, the first year was called pre-K, it’s for those special kids who aren’t ready for the true rigors of regular kindergarten, like playing with blocks, eating play dough, macaroni art, finger painting, pipe cleaner Christmas tree decorations and Colors: How to Identify Rainbows. Also drawing pictures where the blue sky only takes up the top 2 inches of the paper.) But if you think you’ve got what it takes, I’m ready, and believe me…I’m waiting.

Jasmine: In a secular world, I might have to agree with you, but I had a local friend do some recon for me, and there is a strong chance that said ping pong parlor is being run by a hardcore cult with some serious Christian overtones. Which explains why the place is neither successful nor open on Sundays…

Lunatic: no, I think you are thinking about a Brothel… Parlors are just a place of entertainment, which I suppose could be used for such brothel like activities, but it’s really not a term used specifically for that type of activity.

Josephus: Cool, we’re square.