NO DEAL!!!!!

I’ve been away awhile, I know. But in that time, there are a few things I feel it necessary to rant about.

Item number one: Lost

This used to be my favorite show on television. Why is it not anymore you ask? Um, I don’t know, maybe because I only get to see one new episode every other month or so. I’m not sure who is in charge of ABC, but I’m pretty sure they didn’t graduate college, don’t know how to turn on a TV and are not a fan of anything at all. How am I expected to continue loving this show when I never get to see it? I saw them do the same thing to Alias. I don’t believe Alias ever failed as a show. I believe the problem was that it was never on with any consistency, so the idea of the show, when left to sit without new and intriguing episodes, causes the whole audience to spend way too much time thinking about it, and eventually, they analyzed it into ridiculousness. I see the same thing with Lost. Rather than gain new info every week, instead we get to ponder each episode for a month at a time. We break it down too much and it no longer becomes possible to suspend our disbelief. It’s only a matter of time for Lost before it falls apart and ABC thinks it’s the show. That’s why reality shows are winning right now. They’re on every other day! You can’t go any extended period of time without an episode, and you don’t need to. It’s the regularity and consistency that keeps the audience, not necessarily the content. I’m not even sure when the TV season is anymore because of all this nonsense.

Item number two: Deal, or No Deal?

This show disgusts me. It is so stupid, and I am so addicted. I never thought that randomly picking numbers could be so damn entrancing. (we’re ignoring the fact that millions upon millions of people play the lottery and bingo and roulette and keno every day.) I find myself doing the stupidest things during this show. A few of which involve yelling at the contestants for not picking the right number. People love to say, “No Deal!!” on this show, and that’s why it’s popular. The largest prize you can win is one million dollars, and the majority of these people, if offered 2 million from the banker would easily scream out “No Deal!!” and try and high five everyone in the audience. Greed is why hardly anyone wins a lot of money on this show… well, greed and dumb luck. I have saved myself the agony of annoying commercial breaks from Howie at tense moments by never watching this show live. I just skip through them. I can’t stand Howie’s theatrics and his stalling tactics. I am ashamed of myself, but I cannot stop watching this show.

Item number three: My itchy beard

Ok, so this one seems to have an easy fix. I should just shave, but what I think you’re underestimating is exactly how lazy I really am. It’s been a full month now since I last emptied the hair off my face. Every day at work I am annoyed by it, and every day when I come home, I don’t do anything about it. Shave before work? That would mean I’d have to get up early, and considering I’ve been getting to bed around 3:30 am every night and then getting up at around 6:45 am… I don’t feel that I can really cut into my current napping schedule any more than I already do. Here’s where things get really tricky. I’ve been growing this hideous thing for so long now, I’m kind of attached to it. I don’t like it, and god knows I look like a prepubescent monkey with a hormone problem. And it’s patchy… good lord it’s patchy. I can only imagine what my coworkers think. They probably think I’m having some sort of medical reaction to the new PA system we had installed which is beyond loud. It has some benefits though… I can stroke it when I’m deep in thought. But it is getting to the point where it’s going to mingle with the food I’m trying to put in my mouth if I’m not careful, and I’m really not cool with that.

Item number four: The Treo 650

This is my current gadget fantasy. This phone does entirely too much and makes me sigh a little schoolgirl crush sigh every time I see it. It’s got blue tooth capabilities people. I’m not f’ing around. I’m not exactly sure when one of these fine little pieces of technology will be officially registered in my name, but I can tell you that until that day passes, I will often be seen sitting at my desk with a far off wanton gaze that cannot be broken simply by saying, “Jon, get back to work.” You’re going to have to kick my chair or something, because otherwise my attentions will be elsewhere. Do you understand what it means to be great? It means you own a Treo 650. (Owning a Treo 700 makes you elite among the great, but Sprint doesn’t offer the 700. I can only assume this is because there are ignorant, technologically unappreciative fat cats running the corporation. Wouldn’t surprise me in the least.)

Item number five: I’m still not a millionaire

This is a constant source of grief. I don’t understand why I haven’t won the lottery yet, and even more than that, I can’t figure out why some anonymous benefactor hasn’t just given me a couple of million dollars. I mean, if anyone is worthy of an anonymous benefactor, it’s me. I’m willing to play some silly game to get the money too. I understand that not everything is free, so if I have to race a bunch of other contestants around the world or something, fine, so be it. Whatever the means, I’m mostly concerned with the ends, and the ends need to involve me with a seven plus figure deposited into my bank account. Any anonymous benefactors out there would do well read this post. Maybe they just need a little subtle guidance. I can do that.

Oh yeah… with about as much fanfare as when I fist started this blog, so did I celebrate the one year anniversary. That was back on March 13^th. It was totally awesome, you should have been there. We had a doughnut-eating contest… (I won) We played pin the donkey on the tail… (the other way is just so cliché) We even played musical chairs. Ninja Steve rocked out on the recliner while I whaled away on the bar stool. (I nominate that for the lamest joke I’ve ever written on this blog.)

I don’t know how to end this…