Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Does anyone have a red sharpie?

Look at that… I’m dangerously close to a month without a post. You know, some months I wake up and I just don’t feel like posting, but you know what? That’s not what it’s about. It’s about showing up and doing your job. That’s what Keanu Reeves taught me anyway. That man is a teacher first and an actor second, make no mistake about it. I don’t think anyone mails it in better than Keanu. That’s lesson number one.

I have a small gripe worth mentioning. My car got keyed. All the way around, which suggest to my keen eye that it was done on purpose, and not by accident. I could be wrong, but my infallible gut says I’m not. I’m fairly disappointed. I don’t have a luxury vehicle to say the least, and maybe I only wash it 4 or 5 times a year, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about it. Nor is that an invitation to key it.

As some of you may remember, I’m a bit of an “aggressive parker.” That means if a space is wide enough to fit my car in there, I’ll park there. Even if this means I cannot open my door. I’ll simply pop the hatch and climb out the back. I have no shame in doing this and the thought that it might be considered odd doesn’t even cross my mind. However, this style of parking that I have built my reputation on has not been required for quite some time now. The number of cars in my work parking lot plummeted drastically when they opened the new building across the street and half the people now park over there. So there has been no need to attack any and all open spots. I guess the point that I’m lazily driving towards is that I haven’t done anything lately that would irk someone to the point of removing a small stripe of paint all the way around my car with a small sharp object.

I didn’t see it happen, and I’m not even 100% sure where it happened. I suppose it could have happened while I was parked at my apartment complex, but I haven’t done anything here either that would elicit such a reaction. If anything, people have parked close to me, not vice versa, which only makes me proud, not angry. So I don’t think that I absent-mindedly keyed my own car out of anger, but I suppose anything is possible at this point.

I suppose my only course of action now is to launch a satellite outer space at twice the speed of light until I surpass the amount of time in light years that has passed since my car was keyed, set the satellite in orbit there, and use a camera mounted on it to record everything that happens to my car while I’m not in it. Then I’ll send the recorded feed back to me to see what happened… that’s going to take some time I assume… at least twice as long from when the car was actually keyed I think. I have some complex mathematical formulas that I made up worked out on a napkin to explain all this… Unless anyone else has a better idea, I’m looking at a launch date of around April 25, 2018… so I figure I should have my answer in about 48 years… That’s not too bad considering the projected budget for this project is 4.2 trillion dollars. I’ll have to do some fund raising, but there’s nothing free about looking into the past, am I right?

6 comments:

jazz said...

oh jon. that royally sucks.

i think they just did it because they have a fear of the color red. that's my only guess...and it's a shitty one. sorry man...

omar said...

Coincidence that I haven't seen the vole around here, then this happens to you? I'm not making any accusations, I'm just saying.

cadiz12 said...

hey you may be onto something with the red sharpie idea. if they use it in commercials, it's GOTTA be a viable option. sorry to hear it, though. what a downer

Syar said...

everyone above have exhausted my negative adjectives. so I'll just say, that sounds unpleasant. thankfully, my car(also red, and also not luxury) is pretty scratched up as it is, so i'd maybe not notice if it got keyed. Plus, its not really my car anyway so what the hey.

and as for the fund raising : can anybody say, bake sale?

Katie said...

Bake sale? Bah. Those don't make any money. Use prepubescent middle schoolers in swimming suits to wash cars. It's a lucrative business, but you'll make enough for the satellite and a cup of coffee.

And I do have a red sharpie. I just don't have arm strength to huck it all the way to California.

Also, if it makes you feel any better, I have a hole in the bumper of my car.

Sorry to hear about yours though.

cadiz12 said...

dangerously close...

where have you been hiding lately?