Saturday, October 15, 2005

Mostly Useless Inovation

Now, watch in amazement as I proceed to post while totally ignoring the fact that I haven’t done so for nearly one full month! Although I must admit, when I started blogging, I said to my self, “Self, there’s no way in heck you’re going to go one full month without posting, got it?” and I was like, “Yeah me talking to myself, I hear you. Loud and clear.” (It should be noted here that I consider one month to be approximately 32 days, thus I am still inside the set parameters.)

If you’re like me, and I gather that most of you are, then you like to save money and spend a lot of it at once. I am constantly exploring ways to do both things at the same time. It usually proves to be quite a chore. Saving money and spending a lot at the same time is a lot harder than in sounds. In an effort to accomplish what I call “Speaving” money, I recently stumbled across an ingenious idea. It’s kind of tricky, but see if you can follow along.

Step one is the purchase of a home. The market right now is not very buyer friendly, but I have the feeling that will change soon enough. Give it about 5 years or so, then start looking for a house to buy. There are a few crucial elements to the house that you’ll want to be aware of. One thing you’re going to want is a nice tall tree in the backyard. The bigger the better. Another is to make sure that the power lines lead into the house from the roof. That is a must.

Step two is to immediately stop paying attention to that large tree in the backyard. Treat it almost as if it doesn’t exist. Don’t water it, don’t prune it and certainly do not name it. If anyone suggest that you give it a name, smack them square in the mouth and say, “Don’t you see what I’m trying to accomplish here?!!?” Then stop inviting that friend over, or, if it was a family member, move them into the garage, make them sleep on an old army cot with wobbly legs and feed them through a slot in the door. If the neighbors or the police ask you about why you have that relative locked up in the garage, just say, “Who? Him? Oh, that’s just an animatronic robot I made myself with some parts I bought at radio shack. Yeah, by trade I’m a robot designer. That’s just a little home project I’m working on. I think that someday the market for pretending you have you’re very own prisoner is going to be extremely high, that’s why I’ve programmed him to whine and complain and say things like, ‘Help me! I’m trapped in here!! Won’t somebody please let me out of this hellish dark dungeon?!!?’ Pretty cool, huh?” 99% of the time they will agree with you and give you some suggestions as to what else the prisoner should do, like, scrape at the walls or pound on the door, you know, regular prisoner type things.

Step three is to wait about 10-15 years and then plant some tree killing weed/vine to grow around the tree and choke it to death. This isn’t too complicated. Often times it will grow on its own. If you neglect your yard long enough, you’d be surprised what kinds of odd things spring up. Not to mention a whole new slew of creatures that will move in and make nests. And sometimes you get really lucky and one of those creatures will wander into your garage, make a nest in some plastic bags, suffocate itself, create the most horrific smell your nostrils have ever encountered with its dead and decaying carcass and you won’t be able to figure out what the hell it is for a good 6 or 7 months, then it will go away almost as mysteriously as it came. About a year after that, you will be cleaning your garage and happen across the dead animal. I urge you to resist vomiting on the spot, but it’s almost inevitable that you will. Just remember not to toss your cookies on your mom’s collection of old Elvis\Beatles records. That’s key. Write that down somewhere. At this point in time it would be advantageous of you to actually have animatronic robot building skills as you will have no desire whatsoever to remove the dead animal from the garage. And it will be imperative that you remove all dead things from the garage.

Step four is to wait. This is probably the hardest part. You should be about 17 or 18 years at least into the Speaving process. Make no mistake though, not once single cent has been speaved. That glorious moment has yet to come. It took me almost exactly 20 years to speave as much money as I did, but it was well worth the wait. Basically, you’ve neglected the large tree so much that a good gust of wind is all that it will take to knock it over. You are waiting for that gust of wind to knock the tree over onto the power lines and take them out. Here’s where the speavings begin. If all goes according to plan, the tree will knock out your power, that’s the savings part. And if the tree falls properly, when it takes out the power lines, it will also rip apart the socket where the power enters the house. This is where the spending begins. If you are lucky, the socket located in your house will be an original (and if you did this right, your house was built in the 50’s or earlier) and pretty much nobody will have a replacement for it. We didn’t get that lucky. Unfortunately for us, we found some electrician who happened to have the parts. Had we been lucky, we would have had to go to the city, get a permit for a new meter box and updated socket install, hire a professional to install the new equipment and then get the power company to turn the power back on. That would have meant at least 1 full week without electricity. Imagine the savings!! Not to mention the spending!! Permits aren’t cheap, and neither is the labor it would cost to install all the new equipment. Then there’s the bonus of having half your wall ripped out, I can’t forget to mention that. As it stands, we were only without electricity for 3 days, but all in all, there was some good speaving to be had.

So that’s how you speave money. I look forward to hearing if anyone else has some good ways to speave money or if they want to try out my technique. I’d love to hear how it works for someone else.

*note from the author: Ok, so this happened at my parents house, so I guess I should give them proper recognition for their part in helping me to develop this great way to speave money. Without them, none of this would have been possible.

Well, here we are near the end of the post… funny, I thought there would be more trumpets sounding and wild cheering… it looks like my fortune cookie was wrong. I would also like to say thanks to everyone that continues to stop by here, hoping that I’ll post something new, useless and almost completely unfunny. You guys are troopers and deserve some recognition. Virtual high fives all around!!

17 comments:

Edna B said...

Oh Jon we did miss you. Hope you were keeping an eye on the hit counts. I gave up commenting some time ago, but some of your die-hards, well they're still at it on your ankle post.
My partner and I are into speaving. We are putting as much junk inside our house as we possibly can. One day somebody will dob us in to the "ridiculous amount of furniture, smelly old books and computers in one house authority" and then the men in the white coats will come and take us away and we will have a nice long holiday on the state.
Now that's speaving.

Radioactive Jam said...

Jon! Missed you. I check the Atom Feed almost every day, looking for a new post. And this one: wow. Powerful.

Okay that was lame, sorry. At least I didn't say it was electrifying.

Oops I did it again. Seriously though I can relate to this kind of planning. Right now we have a good-sized oak tree - trunk is 3 or 4 feet wide - physically leaning against our screened porch roof. Until last year's Parade Of Hurricanes the tree was only promising to lean (or fall. Possibly.); during one storm we watched its massive trunk literally sway during gusts.

Apparently it got tired after blocking all that wind, because soon after this I noticed it making the effort to keep our house from tipping over.

So far it's holding up okay.

(Good to see words from you again)

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

Good to see ya back! I have no speaving advise... I'm too poor to speave...maybe in a few years!

cadiz12 said...

contrary to what you might have heard, i sincerely believe this may have been avoided had you named the tree something strong and reliable, like Bill.

where can i get a hold of one of those animatronic things? i have a lot of crap in the garage to get rid of.

Glo said...

Nice to have you back. Excellent post as always.

For a long time I speaved on a piece of junk Honda. Then I got a real car with a lovely warranty. Now I am without something to speave on....so I'm moving a lot. Because that's what deposits are good for. Speaving.

Syar said...

finally man, we thought we lost you.

jon, jon, jon. not only are your speaving abilities "electrifying" (yes, I wanted to go there) I'm in awe at how you keep me reading something I don't understand and virtually doesn't have a point all the way till the end, without tearing my eyes off the monitor and end up making me laugh till I bust a gut (a gut, not all of them).

I was in the midst of this very same speaving plan when a freak hailstorm (in MALAYSIA) brought the majestic tree who wasn't named Bill down crashing, just inches away from the powerlines. I swear, nature is out to get me.

Anonymous said...

I must say that I object to the tone of this post because there seems to be an undercurrent of undeserved blame here on the poor homeowner. I feel obliged to point out that: A) The tree did not fall on the neighbor's house (worst outcome), and B) Dry though it was, the tree did not catch fire from the sparking of the live power lines and thus burn down the entire house (second worst outcome). Furthermore, the estimate for removing the tree properly was about twice the cost of fixing the damage it caused as it fell across the power lines.

So I submit that the best policy with respect to landscaping is simply neglect. You don't waste time on weekends playing gardener and ultimately these things have a way of solving themselves. There are lots more dead trees back there and who knows where they will fall? It generates a sort of morbid fascination you can't get from watching TV.

As for the unfortunate incident involving the dead oppossum, my views on this are well known: If it wasn't for all that junk in the garage it would have been found much sooner. As it was, I cleaned out the old PC that had become its final resting place and have been happily using it ever since. So in conclusion I simply say that what actually transpired is more on the saving side than the on spending side. Speaving indeed...

jazz said...

i hope you've communicated to your parents how ingenius they are at speaving...i'm sure they'll appreciate the compliment.

cadiz12 said...

wow so that PC was a possum casket? interesting.

omar said...

I wish I had known about this before buying a home. I could have tried it. My house has no big tree, and the power lines are underground.

I'll wait 5 years or so, as you suggested, then try again.

Radioactive Jam said...

Cadiz12, I'm almost positive that's what the PC acronym refers to. Well, it also means 'politically correct' but that doesn't count because it's stupid.

Anonymous said...

To clear up any confusion, the PC was an old personal computer. A baby opposum crawled into it and expired because its mother got locked out of the garage. I have always viewed this as a particularly tragic episode, but no reason to waste an otherwise functional computer.

cadiz12 said...

that is tragic, anonymous. but very practical. i would have been scarred.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Hm, anonymous knows more than Jon is revealing, hmmm...

One of the bests ways to speave is to own a home. I can't think of any better way. Especially as the home ripens...gets old, y'know...

cadiz12 said...

lookin like it's going to be another month, orange ninja.

omar said...

cadiz, it'll be something to look forward to on November 15th.

cadiz12 said...

fo sho. i think we should bombard him until then. it obviously doesn't make a difference.