Thursday, August 04, 2005

The Chronicles of Lancelot Phillip Tragglethorp the Eighth

Ok, so I have nothing to back that title up. I just like the way it sounds. Maybe one day I’ll write something that all the Shuck N Jive scholars will look back on one day and say, “Yes, you can see it quite clearly in this work here, it was most definitely the beginning of the end.” Then again, perhaps I overestimate myself… perhaps that day passed many moons ago, or as I like to say, three posts ago. For all I know, I’ve jumped the shark backwards, forwards, with one leg and even once while balancing a tray of fine exotic china on the tip of my nose… I’ll have to go back and watch the reruns to be sure.

It now occurs to me that I have done little if anything to answer the questions of why I’m blogging so little these days. Fortunately, I have a solution to that problem as I don’t really care to address it.

Begin distraction…

Ok, at this point in time, there should be a clown juggling chainsaws while riding a unicycle just behind you… no, on your left… yeah, that’s him, right there. Ok, first, try and figure out how I managed to do that… the logistics alone should have you contemplating it for hours. I mean, did I really hire 3 separate chainsaw juggling clowns to stalk all of my readers until they accidentally stumbled across my blog again? You just don’t know, do you? And that’s why they call it magic my friends. Second, those are freaking 5 hp chainsaws! How in the blazes did they sneak up on you like that? Are you really that absent minded? I hope not. I’m sans mind right now, and too many people like that in connection can only lead to bad things. Things like walkie talkie cell phones… seriously, it was bad enough when I had to hear only half the conversation, but now that I’m privy to all of it, I’m positive I didn’t need to hear it at all.

So what were we talking about? Oh yeah, what a superb blogger I am and how much everyone wishes they were me. Oddly enough, this is one of my favorite blog topics.

Today lets explore how I manage to turn paragraph after paragraph of absolute drivel into a mildly readable (at a 2nd grade level of course) post. It’s really a lot simpler than you might imagine. First, I take my monitor and turn it upside down. This completely disorients me and makes it hard for me to clearly see what I’m typing. This allows me to misuse words, not punctuate things properly and in general improves the over all coherence level of my otherwise nonsensical gibberish. Once I’ve successfully mashed the keys on the keyboard for a good 25 to 35 minutes, my masterpiece is completely finished. No need to edit or proof read as that would only impinge upon the artistic integrity that I hold so dear.

Well that was quick… seems as though I’ve still got some time here to fill. Well let’s catch you up on what’s going on in my world. As you may know, I’m an avid slow pitch softball player. I’ll let this little story here tell you what kind of a player I am. I was on first base after cranking out yet another one of my trademark line drive base hits. The batter behind me hit the ball hard, but right at the shortstop. I had taken a few leadoff steps and was walking back to the bag after the catch. I did not see the shortstop rifle the ball to the waiting first baseman, and thus I was doubled up for the third out of the inning. Their shortstop was a girl. And while most guys may have found this to be humiliating, I found it sexy as hell. Sadly though, that is not where my softball stories end. I have noticed an increasing amount of pain in my shoulder when I throw the ball. So much though that I have scheduled and appointment with my doctor to have it checked out. For those of you that remember the horrific bruising from when I tore my hamstring, and also remember that that did not make me go to a doctor, then you may know how seriously I take this injury. Let’s not kid ourselves though, I have not stopped playing just because I may have a torn rotator cuff. I am not a sissy, and more importantly, I am an idiot, so really, it makes perfect sense.

Aside from that, moving back home to my parent’s house has reunited me with a lost love. I have a mini basketball hoop like you might find in an arcade. It has electronic scoring and everything. You get a 30 second clock. First 20 seconds each shot is worth 2 points, last 10 seconds shots are worth 3 points. It comes with 3 mini basketballs. My sister likes to play against me and we have developed several different categories. There is the traditional 3 ball game, and we also play a 2 ball game and a 1 ball game. I currently hold the house record for 1 ball with 36 points, 2 ball with 54 points and 3 ball with 66 points. The average 3 ball score is around 40 points. We also play a game called rafter ball, wherein we shoot the ball over the rafters in the garage and into the hoop. I think the high game on that one is like 12 points. It’s not easy. We also differentiate between right hand and left hand. Left handed (I’m a natural righty) rafterball is not for the squeamish.

Ok, let’s see what those critics over at the Times have to say about this post…

17 comments:

Eric said...

I just saw the length of this post in my feedreader and thought "meh, I'll read that later." a few times. Now that I've finally read it, I wish I'd gotten to it sooner this morning, I think I laughed the whole way through. I needed some cheering up :)

-Eric

omar said...

You're a better man than me, eric. Once I figured out this post wasn't really about Lance, I skimmed right down to the part about the mini basketball hoop, about which I am extremely jealous. 66 points sounds impressive. I must investigate getting one of these for my house...

Glo said...

Don't know about critics at the Times, as I couldn't hear them over the roar of thanks from Africa that you have indulged in such productive time wasting.

And I'm catty only because I care...and feel the lack of blogging has reduced my time spent giggling by 22.375%. Can't help but be bitter about that.

Radioactive Jam said...

I'm thinking you'd be difficult to impersonate, at least in blogland. On a ballfield - well, okay not everyone gets base hits but I *know* if I were to get (basically) picked off and completed the second half of an otherwise unnecessary double play - I could pass for you.

Easily.

Still working out the logistics for mind-controlling a squad of chainsaw juggling clowns...

cadiz12 said...

dude, does your minibasket ball thing come with a detachable net that hangs down and returns your ball to you like they have at chuck e. cheese?

we had one of those for years -- until my brother decided to perfect the alley-oop and break it. that was a sad day.

and you'd better have good insurance for those jugglers, mister. i think lefty over here has a case of the butterfingers.

Jon said...

E: Glad I could help! Hope you enjoy the new Aquabats. That should help out a little too. Nerd Alert, Look at Me and Hot Summer Nights are some of my favorites. I get the same feeling from Look at Me that I get from Super Rad.

Omar: You have every reason to be jealous. Now let me help you out a bit. That mini hoop only costs about $120.00 and it was relatively easy to set up. Directions called for 3 people, but I did it by myself. Most importantly though, NBA salaries on average are higher than any other professional sport, therefore it’s never too soon to start training your son to be a virtual assassin in the field. Again, it would almost be poor parenting for you not to get one of these. It is one of the greatest all around purchases of my life.

Glo: I didn’t realize I had such support in Africa… But I understand, a 77.625 (yeah, I had to get a calculator out for that one. I’m just lazy though, not stupid… maybe) reduction is fairly unacceptable. I’ll see if I can’t do something about that.

RaJ: seriously, flip the monitor and see what happens, I bet you’ll be surprised.

Logistics on that are intense, no? I can’t reveal my secrets though, so keep on comtemplating.

Cadiz: You bet it comes with the return net. It’s seriously one of the sweetest things I own. I would cry for an inexplicably long time were anything to ever happen to it.

The beauty of it, and something I went out of my way to make sure of, is that the rim is a ½ inch solid steel. It’s heavily reinforced, so it’s not going anywhere. I had a door hoop that was pretty sweet too, but then some fool tried to slam and hung on a bit too long and bent it down pretty bad. I was able to fix it so that it was usable again, but it was never quite the same.

And don’t you worry your pretty little head about those jugglers, they are professionals. It says so right on their card. I have been told that they will take responsibility for any lost limbs or severed body parts. And lefty, I’ve been told, is one of the best. Apparently it’s part of the act to make it look like he’s about to lose one and drop it right on your left leg, but then he grabs it at the last possible moment. Just giggle and clap and say, “Do it again!!! Do it again!!!”

cadiz12 said...

yeah, dunking is always the demise of the doorhoop.

part of the act? it's awfully convincing.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Where's Lancelot? I came here to read about the little snot, and he's not here. Did you throw him into the hoop, the little brat?

Glo said...

Ah, Lancelot. He's big and strong and hot. If only he didn't occasionally do some things that he should not.

(Insert plug for Spamalot here.)

Syar said...

*turns to chainsaw-juggling clown* *clears throat* *bats eyelashes* *attempts to uncross legs in a Pg-13 version of basic instinct* *fails* So...when do you get off this gig? *smiles in what I presume to be a coy, coquettish manner*

thanks for the clown, jon. he's really not bad looking under all that makeup. logistics, shmogistics. i say fate brought us together.

Syar said...

and when I say fails at uncrossing legs in a pg-13 version of basic instinct, i mean fails altogether, not succeding in an r-rated version. I'm presuming this is a family blog. i saw a mention for chuck e. cheese somewhere here.

cadiz12 said...

so that's all you have to do to get a date with lefty? risk life and limb(s)? though the leg un-crossing thing is kind of tricky.

Jon said...

I seem to have seriously underestimated the physical attraction between the clowns and my female readers, however, the effect is still the same. Quite the distraction indeed.

Syar: Failure is a state of mind. Back in high school when I was in the marching band and thus the coolest is kid in school, when I’d miss a note during a performance, pretty much no one noticed, only I did. Don’t over estimate your failure until you’re almost 28 and still living with your parents like me.

Also, I am unfamiliar with the science you call Schmogistics. I have always had a great love for math and science, so please feel free to elaborate on this topic. Will you be applying to the Shuck N Jive institute? I have a feeling you’ll do well.

Cadiz: yup, that’s pretty much all you have to do to score with lefty. Don’t worry about his lazy eye, after awhile it will just seem charmingly quaint and not, “what the hell are you looking at” confusing. You just have to figure out which is his good eye. (Sorry, can’t help there, I haven’t talked to him enough to garner that kind of intel.)

cadiz12 said...

well, i can only imagine it's the left eye. but i think i'll try it when he's not holding a buzzing chainsaw.

Syar said...

I've filled up the form for the S.J institute now. been looking for a replacement for the crap place I go to now. I'd explain schmogistics to you now, but I'm afraid its explanation is beyond words.

Jon said...

syar: That’s ok, the Shuck N Jive offers a wide variety of sock puppets and interpretive dance for explaining those things for which words will not suffice. I implore you, put a few socks on your hands and dance around a bit, I’ll get the gist.

Nadia said...

Syar has too much dignity for that. That's where I come in. Allow me...

*puts several socks on hands and broadens the meaning of dance*

(Several days later)

Get the picture Jon?