Saturday, August 13, 2005

A Waste of Time in Two Convoluted Parts

Part 1.

Ok, so this is going to sound so cliché, but I was abducted by aliens the other day and when they finally let me go, a freaking dog ate my blog post!! Can you believe that? I mean, what are the odds? I didn’t even write out my post on a piece of paper or anything, and the dog still somehow managed to ingest it. I tell you, science today… amazing.

So back to the aliens… a little over a week ago, like say, the day after my last post? Yeah, that sounds good. The day after my last post, I’m out for my evening constitutional, right? I mean, this fabulous 5’6” 120 lbs body doesn’t just happen on it’s own*, I kind of almost have to think about it a little to maintain my boyish figure. So I’m out walking right, and I could just feel the alien ship hovering behind me, and I thought, “just don’t look back, if you make eye contact, they’ll think you’re interested, just keep your head down and pick up the pace.” It was at this point in time that I wished I hadn’t brought the megaphone with me and decided to do an outer monologue for the rest of the neighborhood to hear because the aliens obviously heard it too. Why did I turn the volume up to 10? I still don’t know the answer to that question.

After a serious of awkward moments where I tried to avoid eye contact and just step around the aliens, they finally “wrangled me up” as they put it. They put me in a room with some equipment and I just rolled my eyes. How many times can they do this whole probing thing I said to myself. I decided to ask the obvious, “So are you guys going to like, probe me and stuff?” When they said no I was more than just a little shocked. I was offended. “What, I’m not good enough for you to probe? You don’t think I have valuable information hidden within my pancreas?” They just shook their heads and said they were tired of that nonsense. Instead they had prepared a questionnaire for me to answer. The room was full of recording equipment. As a glanced around the room a second time, I couldn’t believe I thought they were going to probe me with an 8 track. Or that they could even use an 8 track to record me with. These aliens were indeed good with the electronics. Especially the out of date unpopular electronics…

I was starting to feel better about this whole abduction thing, and then they started in with the questions… I don’t remember anything beyond the first question. All they said was, “Do you feel like you have a lot of stress in your life?” My heart sank… what have I gotten myself into I thought. These aliens were Scientologists. There was no doubt about it. That giant poster** of Tom Cruise hanging on the wall should have been a dead give away, but I’ve never been known for my astute observations.

I started giving the least stressful answers I could to every question so I could get out of there as soon as possible. They kept assuring me that this little survey was completely free of charge, but I was having none of it, I just wanted to get out of there. Finally I just told them that I thought Scientology was bunk and that horticulture was where it was at. That confused them long enough for me to make a quick exit.

Once I got of the ship, the sense of relief was great, however, it was fairly short lived. Any time you encounter a dog that has the ability to eat objects of yours that don’t actually exist in the physical world, you know you’re in for a bad day. I thought that look of satisfaction on the dogs face was both odd and out of place as he passed by, but when I got home and realized what had happened, that this dog had actually eaten my post, I wept a great deal. I’m not too proud to admit that. I’m a crier, that’s just how it is. A kid hits me square in the eye with a tomato from the back of the room, I cry. When a dog eats a blog post from my computer through telekinetic digital powers, I cry. When Ed and Carol finally got together on ED, well, 3 full boxes of tissues, that’s all I’m saying.

Ok, I’m going to go cry now.

Part 2.

There’s a few other things I’d like to discuss at this point in time, but I was totally unable to fit them into any normal part of the blog***.

Item number 1. The Tragedy of the House of Duke.

Does anyone else see the tragedy in three cousins living with their uncle? We have a lot of mothers absent from the picture. Was this normal in Hazzard? What kind of effects does moonshine really have? It seems to me that these folks are pretty happy considering there’s a well above average chance that there is an awful lot of death or deserting in that family.

Also on a DoH note, I did of course see the movie. In fact, I saw it opening night… by myself. If you are a fan of the show, the movie makes almost no effort whatsoever to be like the show. It should really be taken as a separate entity. I cannot recommend that anyone go see it unless they want to see some kick ass car stunts. They were pretty solid in my opinion, and they made it worth it for me. Only the General Lee remains true to the original from the TV show. Luckily for me that was my favorite character. I did a few highly unnecessary E-Break slides on the way home from the theater. I love it when a movie pumps me up like that.

Item number 2. Working sucks.

I’ve decided that work is just too time consuming. I’m going to petition for a 3 day work week and 4 day weekends all year round. The fact of the matter is, computers have made us faster. Quite simply, we can get more done in one day than we used to. And I say that rather than do more work, we do the same amount of work in less time and use the free time for relaxing and badminton. I’ll need as much support as I can get on this one guys, so don’t be a wimp, sign my petition several times under various names. Try and mix up the ink you use too, you know, make it look legit. I think I’m going to need approximately 7 billion signatures to pull this off, so if each of my readers can come up with a little over 3 billion signatures each, we should be golden.

Item number 3. Milestones.

Well, I’ve got a few milestones**** coming up. After only 6 months of slightly below average service, I’m about to hit 100 visitors. I know, pretty impressive. That is topped only by the milestone of using asterisks for the very first time. That milestone is actually being bronzed and displayed in the Shuck N Jive Hall of Fame. Right next to a picture of me eating some donuts. Some say the Hall is a weak exhibit, I say, give it some time and I’ll show you how much it can really suck.

Well that about wraps it up for this post. Thanks for joining us and I hope to see you again soon. Any bets on how long it’ll be before my next post? I’ll put the line at 8 days…

*Yeah, actually it does. I’m a genetic freak. I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want and it has no effect on me. I sit at a desk all day too, and I don’t exercise. I know, I hate me too.

** Seriously, this thing was like several stories high. It was a big room. I was the size of one of Tom’s crooked teeth. (it was clearly an older picture)

*** Normal part of the blog??? Have I lost my mind. Indeed. Basically this would be more accurately translated as, “stuff I just want to say but don’t want to make up much of an elaborate back story for.”

**** Not really, I’m just trying to make myself feel more important. These milestones pale in comparison to the true geniuses out there. All of which are linked on the right side there under ninjas.

33 comments:

Guyana-Gyal said...

So, you were toying with Scientolgy, were you now.

That blog eating dog sure is doing the rounds in Blogland...gobbling decent people's posts here, there, everywhere. At least it left your sense of humour intact :-D

Nadia said...

Just my luck. My first visit to your blog and your latest post requires me to scroll down the page. *groan*

Nothing to do with the quality at all, don't get me wrong...it's just that it's 12a.m. and I've had a mad long day. I vow to come back ASAP...once my eyeballs have returned to their normal forward-facing position.

Btw, nice call on the walruses. And here I thought nobody'd ever guess...*salutes Jon in a sleepy daze*

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

A new post! A new post! =)

Wow! In both of my alien abduction experiences I never got to fill out a scientology questionaire.... I'm jealous! The first time I was abducted, they just asked for directions to area 51. The second time, one of the alien dudes tried to hit on me... I gave him a fake phone number and faked a hair washing emergency to get off the ship. It worked, haven't seen the ship lately.

To bad about that dog and his telekinetic digital powers... doesn't he know he's supposed to use his powers for good, not evil!

Another ED fan!!!! I haven't had cable in three years... is the show still airing?

Well, I was planning to see the Dukes with a friend but instead we decided to use his free movie passes to watch "The Island" (thanks for the recommendation Dem). We're going tonite. My friend is a huge Dukes fan, but figures he'll just go watch it in the cheap theatre when it gets there.

I'll sign that petition for a 3 day work week. Working is just so boring!

Congrats on hitting 100 visitors!

I'm going to guess your next post will be in 7.5 days! (Although I hope it's sooner!)

cadiz12 said...

i wonder if all the duke mommas had a drunked brawl, the real reason jesse stopped making moonshine.

but what about the daddies?

there are so many things in that show that are never addressed. i am still boycotting the movie.

cadiz12 said...

um, drunken. you know what i meant.

Anonymous said...

Hello,

you got a quite interesting blog here. I really enjoyed reading here and think I'm
going to bookmark it.

My Page is a graduate loan center related
site. Check it out.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the excellent Blog site you've provided.
Want Advise and Information About Buy A Car"
-- But Can't Get Started Check out this site Buy A Car

omar said...

Your blog great. Want advise how to parent and fight rodent check out this site Buy AV-wear.

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

Ha ha ha ha ha Omar! Ha ha ha ha ha! Silly spammers!

Nadia said...

God bless Malaysian DVD pirates. How else would I get to watch great car stunts and Jessica Simpson thrust her ta-tas around like they were the last pair on Earth for less than $3.50?

On a more serious note, you've piqued my interest with the telekinetic dog. I do hope to hear more about it; I so rarely have the same kind of terror inspired within me by the animals around my neighbourhood.

I doubt this'll help you much, but I used 3+1 boxes...*choke*

Sorry, it still too soon to talk about it.

Anonymous said...

Three US soldiers killed by bomb in northern Iraq
Release of man who killed 5 at school in Ark. questioned USATODAY.com Israel, Palestinians on alert for Gaza pullout Reuters Reuters Photo: Iraqi boys watch as a U.S. Army armoured vehicle drives past after a ...

Hi, you have a great blog. I'm definitely going to bookmark it.

My Site is a lasik cost related page.

Check it out if you get some time.

Anonymous said...

Best of the Business Blogs: Carnival of the Capitalists
Well that's exactly what Carnival of the Capitalists does. Every week, a number of bloggers each submit what they think is their very best post from the post week on a business-related topic .
Howdy, great blog, fun and informational.

I have a Bathroom Ceiling Exhaust Fan site/blog. It covers Bathroom Ceiling Exhaust Fan related stuff.

Come and see it when you get time.

Nadia said...

I'm very very scared for when I become their next target...

Jon said...

You know, at first I was upset, I threw balled up piece of paper almost half way across the room in a fit of boyish anger, but then I remembered, I absolutely love Bathroom Ceiling Exhaust Fan blogs… then I was all smiles again. That anonymous reader has truly dug down deep into my soul, the very fabric of my being, and pulled out the most essential part of me… bathroom ceiling exhaust fans. It never ceases to amaze me how perceptive these bloggers can be, especially the anonymous ones.

Nadia said...

I suppose you're right Jon. I'll just have to be patient. If they got to you, they're bound to figure out my true reason for living soon enough...

*cough*Stock Market Indicators*cough*

Syar said...

this long post of course desrves a long-ish comment, and I wanted to do so systematically. but right at the end, you mentioned links and I casually gaze over there to check out if there are any new additions and lookit! ITS ME!!! thank you! that was such a pleasant surprise.

look, if it makes you feel any better, that dog ate my post too. and it also messed up my thumb drive because all my blog files were gone after that. it was a sad day.

" I thought Scientology was bunk and that horticulture was where it was at." how can you even worry about the duration between posts when you fill your posts with such genius material every single time?

when did Ed and Carol finally get together? stupid malaysian cable. slower than a snail crawling on molasses.

DoH = Jessica Simpson = me not watching. nuff said.

I'm starting on those 3 billion signatures now. i'll suffer through carpal tunnel, its ok. only you, jon.

Jon said...

Official reply to comments:

G.G.: If by toying you meant making fun of… probably. I refuse to say either way for fear of Tom Cruise coming after me. He’s prone to flipping out recently. I’ll not take that chance… not after what happened with John Travolta.

Damn dog….

Nadia: Welcome! First timers beware, I’m like some kind of windbag or something… return at your own leisure (which I see you did, several times over… what happened? Did your browser get stuck on this page? I’m sorry.)

Seriously, I’m a pretty logical person, so it was either strippers or highly acrobatic walruses and the strippers were ruled out. I could have been a detective, I’m telling you.

Lou: Yeah, who new I could post? I’m tricky like that. Always keep them guessing, that’s my motto!

Traditionally, aliens don’t make you fill out the questionnaire, but as I have proven time and time again, I’m not lucky, so I get the Scientologist aliens. I only wish I had the presence of mind to give out a fake phone number in situations like that.

I know! Telekinesis is bad enough, but that digital twist was something I just didn’t count on. It’s ok though, now I just wear my tin foil helmet everywhere I go.

ED was officially cancelled, and I don’t know if they are airing the reruns anywhere. I watched every episode religiously, so I didn’t miss any. Good show though… makes me want to bet $10 on random stuff… no one ever gets the reference though…

Dukes is 100% a cheap theater movie. And try and only watch it for the stunts.

Cadiz: Yeah, that whole nonsense about signing a treaty with the US government to stop running shine is horse pucky.

There should be at least 6 other people on that show as far as I can tell…

Look, I understand why you are boycotting the movie, but please, you must see the driving… pretend it’s some other movie and just enjoy the General in all his orange majesty… please?

Yeah, I knew what you meant… (maybe duke mommas aren’t the only ones fooling around in Uncle Jessie’s shine…)

Anonymous: “Awesome, I really hope you do bookmark my blog, it would mean ever so much to me!!” Jon said with a hopeful look in his eyes.

Anonymous the second: Yes, yes it is an excellent blog site I’ve provided. That’s what I get paid to do though.

Omar: Ok, we need to stop right here and recognize Omar for what he really is: an unavoidable blogging genius. Easily my favorite comment ever. The slight hesitation in grammar is spectacular.

Lou again: Silly spammers, comments are for bloggers! I’m this close to blocking the anonymous comments again… or buying a car, I can’t decide…

Nadia again: I’m sure the Malaysian DVD pirates appreciate God’s blessing. Ignore Jessica, I can’t stand her, I don’t know who can. Focus on the car, the car is the only character they didn’t screw with.

3+1? Wow. I’ll admit though, it was pretty touching, I mean, I never thought those two crazy kids would get together.

I think I’ve had more time to adjust than you, so I can talk about it… (starting to tear up) maybe… (tears now rolling) ok, maybe I can’t… (mad dash to the bathroom until tears stop and red puffiness dissipates)

Anonymouses: You make me want to kill myself. And you’ve shown me that if I do it in the bathroom, no one will really notice the smell.

Nadia again?: I really haven’t seen to many people affected by them yet. Cadiz and I had a pretty nasty infection a while ago, but that was before they got all fancy and started complimenting each blog in a lame attempt to seem like a real person.

Syar: Pleasant surprises are few and far between here at the Shuck N Jive, so take that one and savor it for years to come. Maybe pass it along to your grandchildren someday…

Seriously? Did you catch the tags on that dog? I wasn’t really paying attention at the time.

Every single time? I don’t think once in 6 months counts as every single time.

Not to spoil it, but it was the last season, it was very bittersweet because I knew that it meant the show was over.

Don’t let JS ruin your potential viewing of a crappy movie. Fact of the matter is, I was told she is only on screen for a total of 8 minutes. Surely you can cover your eyes and ears for 8 minutes during the movie?

Hot Dog!! Let me know when you finish those signatures! You can just email me a slight whimper as I’m sure you won’t be able to do much typing. I’ll swing by and pick them up. You’re in Malaysia right? I think that’s a few towns over from me, but for 3 billion signatures, I’ll spend the gas.

Ok then, that was almost a post in itself. Typical me…

cadiz12 said...

thanks for the tip; maybe i'll put it on netflix. for the driving.

i'm a sucker for good driving.

transporter II is coming next month, and i'd rather watch jason statham drive than endure 8 minutes of covering my eyes/ears (which is pretty tricky in itself), and watching johnny and americanpieguy for two hours. at least on dvd, i can forward through to the chase scenes.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Call the aliens to kidnap them spammers.

Glo said...

Sure. It's Jon's blog. And again, sure, it's his first post in a while....and, yeah, I'm trying to be less egocentric, but....

Omar, that comment rocked.

Damn. Another failed good intention. Next time, I'll stay focused....maybe....

omar said...

Thanks jon, glo. And if I may, I'd like to take this moment to thank all the anonymous commenters who paved the way for bloggers like me.

Nadia said...

Jon - Way to make a girl regret her enthusiasm; don't I feel like the over-commenting fool...like that's ever stopped me.

Kidding. I appreciate you replying to each of my comments. If that's the kind of service I can expect around here regularly, well...you've found yourself another spammer my friend!

Go on. Rejoice. You know you want to.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Jon, there's an internet worm doing the rounds [just read about it in the papers], so maybe it was a worm, not a dog, after all...

Poor innocent dog gets blamed.

Anonymous said...

So how does the

Radioactive Jam said...

Wow. I could have left ANONYMOUS SPAM! What a novel concept. Maybe next time I'll try it with (1) a complete thought, however gramatically inept, and (2) a link to something weird or cool-sounding, like... hmm... Nuclear-hazard Jelly?

Nah. That'd never work.

Glo said...

Just returning something I'd stolen....

I've said it before (only about a thousand times) and I'll say it again (most likely another thousand times): I do not understand Idaho. Truth be told, I'm not even sure what it is. I think it's an island floating in a sea of potatoes, but again, that's just a theory. As is my custom, zero research was done to back that up.

Syar said...

you and your long-post penchant. gotta love it.

I didn't get the dog tags cause once it was lunging at me, electronic information all dribbling down his mouth I just squealed and ran to grandma's house. not my grandma, but whoever's gran she was, she served some mean oatmeal cookies.

I'm all for spoilers. at least I have something to look forward to, stupid carol and her principal-kissing ways.

I'm watching herbie fully loaded tomorrow. wonder if you know how long lindsay is in that one, because I want to be prepared for anything.

come on over. I'll be prepared with a towel and some hot coffee (you know, for when your car rises out of the ocean)

cadiz12 said...

hi jon, this is cadiz.

just stopping by the neighborhood and wondering,

WHEN THE HECK ARE YOU GOING TO POST SOMETHING NEW?

you cannot leave a sister hanging like that in the dungeon, pal.

that is just cruel. i'm just saying.

have a nice day!

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

{knock} {knock}

It's been a week! Where are you?!?

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

Were you kinapped by an evil vole? Perhaps le Monstre Jaune got to you? The aliens didn't try to convert you again, did they? Or are you off playing video games with Omar? Are you stuck in a dream with Christopher Walken? Perhaps this is another case of {shudder} RLI?!

cadiz12 said...

hey lou, what is RLI?

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

Real Life Invasion. See Cate's blog: http://mymomdatedspike.blogspot.com/

JustJunebug said...

if i knew where the damn petition was i would sign it. working does suck and i think that whole 3 day work week is the bomb diggity. and yes, i just said bomb diggity.