Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Hmm… I don’t know, this is shaky at best.

Hi, my name is Jon, or as my friends like to call me, Jon. Welcome to my blog. You may recognize me from some of my past posts, such as, “Ma’am… Excuse me, Ma’am? Ma’am that’s my penis. The true story of how I was inadvertently fondled on the bus ride home from the airport and DIDN’T enjoy it.” Or, “What the F just happened to my plane? A real tear jerker about how I lost my R/C plane while stupidly flying it at night. (it has a happy ending though because it turns out that when the sun is out, it’s much easier to find things you may have inadvertently lost at night while being a complete tool.” And the follow up to that, “How to modify your R/C plane so that it has LED lights that enable you to see it at night when you feel like being an idiot and flying it at night even though you know it can only lead to certain disaster.” Then again, you may not remember any of those because I’m too busy/dumb/finger retarded/hopped up on Gatorade/lazy (please circle all that apply) to have written any of those and any number of other time wasting posts I may have come up with. This of course begs the question (not from too many people though because I’m pretty sure I’ve lost all of my readers by now), what have I been doing?

Well, that’s easier asked than answered. There are three theories floating around amongst the Shuck ‘N Jive scholars these days. They are as follows:

Theory number one: I suck.

Admittedly, this theory has been growing in popularity quite rapidly over the past few post free weeks. There has been much evidence collected over the past month to corroborate this theory and I have done little if anything to contradict it. It started shortly after my 6th consecutive post-free day. A small child standing in the back of the room during the press conference raised his and a hush slowly fell over the crowd. I had no choice but to address the small child and truth be told, I thought it would be a welcome relief from all the hard hitting no nonsense questions the media had been hammering me with all day. I said, “What’s your name little boy?” And he said, “Lancelot Phillip Tragglethorp the Eight” (that caught me a little off guard… I was really just expecting a first name. I certainly wasn’t looking for a genealogy lesson, so I tried to mask the befuddled look on my face.) “Uh… ok Lance” I said. “Do you have a question you want to ask me?” “Yes.” He said meekly. “Well what is it?” I asked. “How come you don’t post no more?” “Well first of all,” I said, “That question was a double negative Lance, and we don’t like double negatives around here. Unless of course we feel that they add something to the story comedically. But in your case it just comes off like you are poorly educated. Do your parents have trouble with the double negatives too? Did you learn that by watching them? No matter… anyways, to answer your poorly worded question, the answer is simple…” At this point in time, I was struck squarely in my left eye with what I believe was a rotten tomato. Lance didn’t take too kindly to my attempts to teach him proper English skills. He also screamed, “You Suck!!” at the top of his lungs… I was immediately evacuated from the premises by secret service agents so I was unable to complete my explanation to little Lance and I was so traumatized by the events that I completely forgot myself. Hence this theory has been dubbed the “I suck” theory.

Theory number two: I’ve been busy at work.

In my opinion, this is by far the weakest theory in circulation right now. Anyone that knows me knows for a fact that I simply do not try that hard at work. I’m not even going to entertain this one for very long because it’s just so damned ludicrous that I get angry just thinking about it. I’m half tempted to hack into the system and set up a live feed of the security cameras closest to my desk just so that you can see me sleeping/playing video games/cart wheeling/building small cities out of paperclips and pencils/ chucking wadded up paper at whomever is closest or whatever else I may be doing at the time. I think it would open a lot of eyes and bring in a lot of new applications once you see what they see me do everyday and realize that I still haven’t been fired.

Theory number three: I’ve been dealing with some family problems.

Given the sensitive nature of the situation, I can’t really go into detail but I will say this, the intervention we had for my sister went well and I think some real progress has been made. Her melon addiction seems to be somewhat under control and she is nowhere near the 17 cantaloupes a day that she was at 3 weeks ago. I’ll tell you what, nothing sobers you up like coming home to see one of your beloved family members passed out on the kitchen floor, covered in melon rinds, lying there all bloated and struggling for air like a beached whale or something. It makes you stop and think about what’s important in life. Like I said though, the rehab seems to be going well. She’s almost off the melon completely. The key is to step down a little at a time. You never want to quit melon cold turkey, that just gets ugly. However, this still has nothing to do with why I’ve been somewhat absent lately.

In order to find out the truth, you’ll have to stay tuned for the next very special episode on the Shuck ‘N Jive. (Seriously, I think there might be crying and maybe even like an evil twin or something. I’m not supposed to say anything, but I think the writers are going to kill off one of the main characters. I hear Lance’s days are numbered, but YOU didn’t hear that from ME, got it? Wink wink, nudge nudge.)

Also, please note that I didn’t edit this at all, so much like everything else, that’s why it sucks.

27 comments:

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

Poor Lance.... How many secret service agents do you have???

I'm going with Theory #2... kind of... I think you've been too busy building small cities out of paperclips and pencils! By now you must have built enough cities to creat a small country....

Am I right or am I right?!?

Radioactive Jam said...

"Shuck 'N Jive scholars." Yes! Jon's planning a degree program for us!

As for paperclip and pencil cities, I understand. That's why I'm seriously considering getting several of these, and at least one of these. I'd get the latter just to wreak havoc on the former; looks more interesting than a garden-variety godzilla, IMO.

Radioactive Jam said...

(sorry, forgot this part) I'd like to hear more about the night flying and LED mods. The inadvertent fondling story, I can pretty much work that one out. :->

omar said...

The only appropriate way to make a comeback is to do so in a two (or more) part epic. Well done, Jon.

With that said, if Lance gets knocked off in the next episode, then I may stop reading. He's my favorite character. I mean, the kid hit you with a rotten tomato from the back of the room. That takes skill.

Adrian said...

JON!!!

I couldnt care less about why you havent posted, I'm just glad you're ALIVE.

Welcome back, buddy.

Syar said...

I was a newbie here when you were "away". bad timing for new blog discoveries eh? glad you're up and posting again! this was an excellent read. first you evoked my pity, sympathy and that little monster that went "hee hee, damn right you suck" in me. Poor Lance. Poor You. Poor secret service agents. Poor people who are finger retarded AND hopped up on Gatorade. is there no more hope left in the world?

then I was empathic when it came to theory number 2. everyone gets sidetracked when building small paper cities, jon. its ok.

then I quickly panicked and felt bad for mocking you (in my head) when you said family issues. melon addiction. *snigger* ah hell, I can't pretend, that part got me laughing so hard I went straight to the pantry to cut up a canteloupe.

cadiz12 said...

melon addiction. that's pretty heavy. i hope she wasn't terrorizing you guys with her rind rage.

Jack Safety said...

Hiya!

Jon said...

Rainpuddles: Hi, don’t believe you’ve commented here before… I could be wrong though… I’ve been a little out of it lately… Gatorade and all… Anyway, I employ over 17,000 secret service agents, however, I never have more than 25 on active duty at one time and shifts are never longer than 6 hours. I like to keep them fresh. Also, we here at the Shuck N Jive are a family oriented business, so we like to make sure all of our employees spend plenty of time with their families.

And yes, you are right. It is actually the size of several city blocks now… I had to annex all of the surrounding business in order to complete it, but it was worth it. I’ll be announcing our bid for recognition as a new nation within the USA. We will call ourselves Orangeninjastan (a name I’m not thrilled with, but we had a contest, and that’s the best our “citizens” could come up with). Our national flower will be the chrysanthemum and our national past time will be badminton. There’s a few other “national” items to sort out, but the committee is working round the clock, so I suspect they’ll have it all hammered out by the middle of next week.

R.J.: Yes, once the nation is officially established, we will open a university where people from all walks of life will be able to attend an earn their PhD in Shuck N Jive. I have few doubts in my mind that we will universally be recognized around the glob as the premier source for obtaining a Doctorate in Shuck N Jive.

Those crazy monkeys!! Yeah, both items need to be purchased post haste and made to do battle, it is the only logical thing to do.

I’ll be posting a how to on the LED’s eventually, but I’ll ask you to refrain from holding your breath as it is impossibly hard to get a good insurance policy for a new country, so it would probably bankrupt us if you were to sue after I failed to deliver the goods and you injured yourself based on my recommendation to hold your breath as you waited for said non existent post.

Omar: Thanks, I appreciate the support.

Looks like you’ll be around for awhile though… turns out there were scouts at the press conference (a twist I certainly didn’t see coming) and they were quite impressed with Lance. He threw that tomato on a rope right at my left eye, which I later learned he had done on a bet. Apparently there was a bit of a gambling going on at the back of the room and someone said to Lance, “I’ll bet you can’t hit his left eye from right here.” To which he replied, “not only will I hit him in his left eye, I will make him cry about it too.” And he did. I didn’t mention that I cried because I was trying to appear tough/macho and I didn’t think it mattered at the time. Then I found out about the bet. So, seeing as how Lance has a laser guided cannon for an arm, we can’t really get rid of him, there’s just too much of a story there.

Adrian: Yup, I’m still alive and kicking… mostly kicking though. Glad to be back!

Syar: Yeah, I feel bad for all the newbies, I haven’t treated them very well. I’m pleased that I was able to make you run the gamut of emotions and thank you for understanding my paper city obsession. Not everyone does (like my boss… what a tool). I’m also glad that at least one good thing has come out of my sisters battles with the melon addiction: you’re laughter. I’m sure that will make her feel better. I’ll tell her when I visit her in rehab today.

Cadiz: as with all melon addiction cases, there is rind rage. My sister was no exception. Put it this way, the doctor says that the cuts will heal and that there will be very little scarring noticeable on my chest, back, thighs, arms, forehead and forearms, but my calves are going to be a bit of a problem. Once I have all 987 stitches removed we’ll have a much better idea. As always though, I remain optimistic.

Jack: What’s up kid?

Guyana-Gyal said...

Theory # 4: Jon is in New York.

Jon, I can't wait to see what next you come up with!!!

[Psst...about that melon addiction, I read of a really bad one in a book so thick and heavy, 'A Suitable Boy'.

A Brit. girl in India ate too many pineapples at one go, and that did her in.]

A said...

Orangeninjastan eh? :)

Good to know you are alive.

Jack Safety said...

funny you should ask!
i found out a couple weeks ago that im gonna be a father!
so yer not the only one whos life is a little nuts

Jon said...

Guyana-Gyal: I was in NY, but I came home on the 10th… I can only milk that one for so long. And you read weird books.

A: Barely alive… we’ll see for how much longer. I thought the writers were going after Lance, but I might be their next target now that he’s proven to be a fan favorite.

Jack: I hope congratulations are appropriate!

Guyana-Gyal said...

Yes, yes, I do read weird books.

Now, about you constantly going missing in action...you've fooled us again! There you go, missing again.

Hope everything's all right.

cadiz12 said...

i guess i read weird books, too. i don't remember the pineapple overdose, but i do recall being disappointed by the choices the character i was rooting for makes. i hope that didn't spoil it for anyone, but hey, if you're going to invest time in reading that monster, you should be prepared to draw your own conclusions.

Guyana-Gyal said...

You read A Suitable Boy too Cadiz?

Yes, big disappointment.

The pineapple overeating was something mentioned, in passing, when two of the characters visited a cemetary.

jazz said...

hm. shuck 'n jive scholars....where'd you find them?

Jon said...

I know too much about this book now and there is no way I could possibly enjoy it… plus, choking on pineapple hits pretty close to home, I don’t think I could take it.

Jasmine: Shuck N Jive scholars are everywhere, you just have to know how to look for them. Don’t worry though, that will be covered in Intro to Shuck once I open the new university. Did I mention we’re going to have a school badminton team? Yeah, it’s going to be totally sweet.

Guyana-Gyal said...

No, no, Jon, A Suitable Boy is a GREAT read, full of colour, gossip, India, history, laughs, drama, politics, tears. It's by Vickram Seth and was a big hit. It's a brilliant book.

Jon said...

Um… just under 1,500 pages huh? Well alright then… so much for a light read…

Guyana-Gyal said...

You can exercise with it while you read. Build arm muscles.

Jon said...

How did you know I needed to build arm muscles? My goal is to be able to pick up the family cat with just one arm. He weighs about 12 lbs, so I’ve got some work to do…

cadiz12 said...

i really liked 'a suitable boy'... up until the last twenty pages. then i was kicking myself for sitting through the entire thing for that. however, you're right, gg, there were some very good parts. but honestly, after all is said and done, the way it ended is pretty much how real life tends to go -- sad as it is.

if you want a great book about indians (though not in india so much) try 'the namesake' by jhumpa lahiri. the writing is simple but very clear, and it gets right to the heart of both the immigrant experience and that of their children trying to grow up in another culture. i can't say enough about that one. her short stories are well done as well.

A said...

Oh I am reading 'A Suitable Boy' these days. You guys are ruining it for me...actually just you cadiz. Actually no you didn't say anything. I already know the end is supposed to be sad or sth.

Jon, you most definitly sould get the book under discussion and read it too. I don't even have to go to the gym anymore, it's that effective. Although you HAVE set yourself some very high goals....

Jon said...

Well, I never went to the gym in the first place, which makes my amazing physique all the more unimpressive. With that in mind though, I’m going to head over to a little out of the way bookstore you’ve probably never heard of called Borders and look up this forklift required book at lunch. We’ll see how it goes.

cadiz12 said...

oh A, i'm so sorry! everything is bright and cheery and wonderful. the hero and heroine run around among the trees and then it suddenly starts raining and the heroine's white dress is all soaked, but that's okay, there are 14 other costume changes.

okay, i know i'm not convincing. and i've got my genres mixed up. seth is a pretty good writer, so the haul is worth it for that. again, my apologies for any damage i may have done.

Glo said...

I have redubbed Omar "Mr. IT". Please pass my latest creation around the internet. I'd like to see it on every blog by end of week.