It's Official!!

I'm half way to 62!!  And one third of the way to 93!!

Sadly, I'm only one quarter of the way to 124, but that's just something I'll have to learn to deal with.

To those that have helped me get this far, I humbly thank you.

Thank you to my mother and father for painfully obvious reasons.

It was at approximately 3:40 p.m. PST (but I was really born at 4:40 p.m., but that was prior to daylight savings getting pushed back.  Thanks mom for pointing that out.) that I reached exactly 31 years of breathing air.  Congratulations are not necessary, but greatly appreciated.

The One Where I Get All Political

Normally I try to stay away from political posts. Some say it's because I'm trying to remain neutral so I don't affect the outcome with my impressive powers of persuasion over my many, many, many readers. Others say that I don't know anything about politics at all and fake broken legs to get out of any conversations that steer in that direction. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. That's all I'll say about it.

Having said that, in a rare showing of political awareness, I'd like to share with you my latest creation. I call it my "Obama Jar."



Yeah, it's for change.

Happy Friday Eve Eve Eve Eve.

I'm still learning my way around the office and figuring out how everything works, but there's one thing I've managed to gather so far; These people are absolutely miserable.

I don't know if I can properly convey to you exactly how miserable they are without showing you some video surveillance of an average workday, but allow me to give you the best, singular example that I can.

Today, at approximately 4:30 in the afternoon, people started wishing each other, "Happy Friday Eve!"

It's Wednesday afternoon.

If the fact that everyone refers to Thursday as Friday Eve isn't bad enough, they begin celebrating "Friday Eve" on Wednesday. I feel it necessary to point out to everyone that there is nothing particularly special about this coming Friday. It is not the beginning of a week-long, overtime pay vacation for everyone. It is not the day we all receive million dollar bonuses for being snappy dressers. It is simply another work Friday in a seemingly endless line of work Fridays.

And this happens every week.

On my first day, several people that I was introduced to said, "Welcome to Hell." In my infinite ignorance, I thought they were joking.

Lesson from the streets...

Anyone even remotely familiar with my everyday life knows that I have surprisingly little interest in fashion, or more specifically, keeping up with the current trends in fashion. Up until recently I’ve been ok with this. That’s 30 years of what some might call, “fashion recklessness.”

When you’re younger, it’s a lot easier to get away with wearing aqua shoes to church or perhaps a hypercolor T-shirt (with matching pants of course) to your aunt’s wedding. Growing up severely hinders your ability to wear whatever the heck you feel like to any given occasion. It’s the downside to maturity that adults are afraid to talk about. In spite of this, I’ve still managed to wear orange corduroy pants far longer than the average person would deem acceptable, and pair up said pants with a similarly colored (yet still a few shades off) orange T-shirt. Call it my greatest triumph.

Ok, I don’t wear that outfit to weddings or birthday parties or Dodgers/Giants games, but it does get worn. In public. When you do something as irresponsible as that for approximately three decades, it usually takes something pretty profound to change your way of thinking. Allow me to tell you a story.

A couple of weeks ago, my need for Gatorade, hot dogs, cherry pie filling and mayonnaise was unacceptably high. Fortunately for me, there is a store that carries all of these items in excess only a few blocks away. I waited 45 minutes to see if someone would randomly knock on my door and hand me a bag with exactly those items in it, but for some odd reason, the knock never came*. So I took it upon myself to venture out and retrieve these items.

The route to the store is pretty simple, but it does involve me crossing a large street, then going down three flights of stairs and crossing over a bridge that spans a river. As I finished crossing the large street and approached the stairs that lead down to the bridge, I could see three police officers looking at the bridge below and communicating with some other police officers via radio (at least that’s who I assume they were communicating with. As my journey wore on, I began to question that assumption heavily). I was not stopped by any of these officers as I walked by and began my trip down the stairs.

Once I arrived at the bottom off the stairs, I was flanked by two more police officers, both of who were wearing bulletproof vests. I looked ahead and saw two police cars stopped on the bridge, and three more officers detaining two suspects. All three of those officers were also wearing bulletproof vests. Again, no one was preventing me from walking right through the middle of all of this.

I believe this was the first time in my life where I really felt underdressed. Sure, there have been countless times in my life where I was under dressed, but this was the first time I truly felt it.

I learned three very significant, related things that day. I learned that fashion is important. I learned that I should probably wear a bulletproof vest** all the time because, most importantly, I learned that the Chicago PD will do next to nothing to protect me. I won’t even get a, “Hey buddy, why don’t you use the other side of the street for now.” At least then I’d be a harder target to hit.

*Which is absurd when you think about it. I mean, come on! The store is only a few blocks away! Why WOULDN’T someone buy those items and drop them off at my door free of charge?

**If you listen to the news much, you probably already know that this is generally a good idea in Chicago anyway.

THE DREAM IS OVER

I had a dream and it is now over. I’ve had many dreams in the past, so I’ll take a second to remind you all what dream just died.

I was hoping never to work again. I was hoping that, with no effort whatsoever on my part, an enormously large sum of money would be anonymously bequeathed to me. I guess some dreams were never meant to be. I think that’s a pretty sad commentary on the state of the dream business these days. When a man can’t even expect to have millions (not even billions, just millions. It’s not like I’m being greedy.) dollars anonymously donated to him, with no strings attached, what kind of world are we living in?

It is with much sadness that I must now report to you that I am, once again, among the ranks of the employed. I hope you won’t think less of me because of this.

Without going into much detail, (mainly because I can’t. I’m really not sure what I’m doing at all.) I’ll tell you a few of my highlights from my first day on the job. I’m going to count these down in order to build drama and excitement. Who couldn’t use more of that? So here’s my top 3 moments of the day:

3. The office tour – This was pretty exciting. Normally these tours are a formality to get you acquainted with the area, but what you don’t know is that I work in a linear labyrinth. What is a linear labyrinth you might ask? Well, it’s kind of like a normal labyrinth, only it’s much narrower and very, very long. If architecture can be artsy-fartsy, then the designer of this building had no intention of making any business residing in these walls even remotely efficient. If slowing down productivity and business was his main objective, then he is a gold medal winner in the Architectural Olympics of Making Business Unproductive and Slow. If you think the regular Olympics are stupid, you should try watching those Olympics. I once saw a guy that had to walk up seven flights of stairs so he could take and elevator to get to the floor below him. Then he had to take a zip line to a building 3 blocks away, catch a bus to the train station, take a train to the airport, fly to Canada, have his passport stamped, fly back, hire an untrained unicyclist to “juggle” him back to his office, present his passport to security, then climb up a 17 story cargo net in order to get back to his desk. And he had to do all of that just to make a copy of a copy for the backup file to the backup file. He was the bronze medalist. You can’t make this stuff up.

2. Learning the filing system – Typically, file systems rarely crack the top 1,000,000,000,000 in moments of the day, but when you find out that the person who occupied the job before you had a fairly loose grasp on the alphabet and that there are other filing hazards such as, “the Gonzalez file should be listed under Hernandez, but you can find it in the system under Atwater,” well, you know you’ve hit the jackpot. You may even start to wonder why they bother attaching the word “system” at all. It’s really just a bunch of files. Pull one out, maybe you’ll get lucky. I’m learning to retrain myself into thinking that they file cabinets are really more of a junk drawer than a place to organize your livelihood. I mean, why put them in some sort of an order when you can just toss them in there randomly? The less time I spend questioning these things, the faster I can pile the files in. I think it’s pretty obvious which way is more efficient.

1. Filing out my Ethnics form – It’s always good to hire people with good ethnics. That’s what I’ve always said. Sure, you might be thinking, “Don’t you mean ethics?” Were it any other office, I’d probably say yes, but not here. When I handed in my new hire packet full of all the things I’m not allowed to do as an employee of this company, the woman I handed it to asked me quite plainly if I remembered to fill out and sign my ethnics forms. For the uneducated, ethnics forms are where you listed all of your known ethnic friends. Let’s face it, sometimes you know someone that’s ethnic, but they still look pretty white, so you may be unaware that they’re ethnic. There was a plausible ethnic clause I had to initial incase I accidentally identified one of my friends as white when they were, in fact, ethnic. You’re also required to list which ethnicities you find attractive and which ethnic groups you wouldn’t invite to your Grandmother’s 90^th birthday party for fear she might make a scene. It’s a pretty comprehensive form and was definitely the highlight of my day.

Tomorrow will be day two of my new job. I’m not allowed internet access at all, so I’m pretty much going to be silently crying to myself all day. It’s ok though, because no matter what, I get a half hour for lunch and nobody can ever take that away from me.

To whom it may concern

*****UPDATE*****
This was my attempt to reverse jinx the Lakers and help them become the first team in NBA history to overcome a 3-1 deficit. I failed miserably. I apologize to Laker fans everywhere because I understand that it is my sole responsibility to guide the destiny of this franchise. Who knew?
*****END UPDATE*****

For those of you trying to console me these past few days. Thank you. I know it hasn't been easy. These things hit us all pretty hard. And while I appreciate the care you have shown me these past few days, do not misunderstand my reaction. I'm not being a downer, I'm being a realist. Let's look at the facts.

First, in 6 meetings so far this season with the Boston Celtics, the Lakers are 1-5. That's not encouraging.

Second, In the 13 home games the Celtics have played, they are 12-1.

Third, no team in the history of the NBA has ever come back from a 1-3 deficit.

Fourth, did you see game 4? The Lakers had an 18 point lead at the half! Then they proceeded to play like tiny little girls in the second half! They didn't deserve to win that game after playing like that. Now they're just a young team on the ropes. Not a good place to be.

So given the fact that the Lakers now need to win 3 games in a row against a team that they've only managed 1 win in 6 meetings, and the fact that two of those games they need to win will happen in Boston, where the Celtics have only lost 1 game this entire post season and they have a propensity to play like little girls down the stretch, it's looking like a done deal. They basically have to climb Mount Everest three times in a row and on two of those climbs, there's guaranteed to be stormy weather and heckling fans. So, congratulations Boston. Congratulations Kevin Garnett. Congratulations Paul Pierce. You guys deserve it and I mean that sincerely.

Yes, I know Kobe said these finals are far from over, but he has to say that. He's the Black Mamba. And while I appreciate his enthusiasm, the worst thing you can do to a person in a time of absolute despair is give them hope. I do not need hope now. I need to grieve. Please let me grieve and move on with my life. We don't need to drag this on any longer. It's ok. We Laker fans have next season to look forward to. We'll have Pau for the whole season (yes, I know everyone likes to pretend like we've had him this whole season, but really, we've only had him since February) and more importantly, we'll have Andrew back. Then all of these size issues that have plagued us this series will disappear. The team is still young. They've got a chance to be contenders for quite awhile.

Ps, I knew this series was doomed from the start when ALL of the "experts" were picking the Lakers to cream the Celtics. That never works out well. Just look at the Super Bowl this past year...

Finding a job is hard.

Ok, now that I’ve gotten that out of the way. I have accepted a posting challenge from my sister Madelyn via twitter, which is how I believe most posting challenges are initiated these days. As such, I am now obligated to post on a slightly more regular basis than I have been in the past.

So here’s what this post is about:

My time.

I’m losing it.

Since I’ve moved to the city they call Chicago, I’ve felt like time has sped up. This is particularly alarming considering the fact that I still don’t have a job. I’ve created a child-like pie chart to awkwardly illustrate how my time is being spent.

As you can see, a good deal of my time is spent preparing food. This is very new to me. When I lived in California, I would eat out approximately 26 times a week. Not bad for a guy with a college education. But since I’ve moved here, I’ve eaten out a total of 4 times in the past two and a half months. It doesn’t take an associates degree in general education to figure out what that means. It means I’m no longer substituting money for my time in the preparation of my meals. I’m still getting used to it, so bear with me.

As for this so-called posting challenge, what can you expect from me? Perhaps more terrible drawings using only PC Paint, even though I have better programs with better tools? Probably. As always, I remain predictably unpredictable.

Not for nothing…

Way back in the day, I used to live with more than one grape jelly user. I did not have the resources necessary to keep 24 hour surveillance on the jelly at all times, but I was always reasonably certain that I was not the one making the top of the jelly squeeze bottle all goopy. I believe that I possess superior jelly squeezing skills rivaled only by high level Tibetan Monks. Until recently though, it was only speculation.

I am now the only grape jelly user in the house. Aside from all of the obvious benefits, there’s also this:

After several masterfully crafted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and not one single swipe with a napkin, paper towel, old shirt I don’t care about or someone else’s shirt when they weren’t looking, the top of the jelly squeeze bottle still looks nice and clean.

I’m not convinced that everyone reading this has fully grasped the true horror that I have had to endure. Below is a simulated squeeze jelly bottle top used by any one of my former roommates/housemates/relatives/dad/sister whose name starts with m-a-d-e-l-y…

Take a deep breath. Now go image google puppies and kittens sleeping in laundry baskets full of ice cream to try to get that horrifying image out of your head.

Let’s catch up

I’ve been living in Chicago for around 3 weeks now. I do not currently have a job. Up until today, that hasn’t actually been a problem because there’s been a lot to do around the new place I’m living. In fact, given the things I’ve been doing, I think I’m now fully qualified to assemble any and all Ikea furniture by myself. Yes, even those items where the manual shows a picture of one, frowning guy awkwardly trying to lift a large piece of furniture by himself, encompassed by the red circle with a line through it. Then right next to it, a picture of two guys smiling happily and enjoying the lifting of that same large piece of furniture. (For the record, I don’t recall ever seeing anyone smile while assembling Ikea furniture.) The down side to that though, is that I’ve also learned that I am no longer qualified to ROCK at Guitar Hero. Let that be a lesson to all you young kids out there. Don’t stop playing your video games for too long or you will get rusty. That’s a free public service announcement from the Shuck N’ Jive. Normally, we charge a hefty fee for that kind of humanitarian good will, but not this time, it’s a good cause.

Ok, it’s pretty obvious from that first paragraph that I’ve forgotten how to write.

Pop Quiz!

SITUATION: You just moved into a new place in downtown Chicago. You’ve purchased a new, 37” HDTV and it has just been delivered. It’s a weeknight and you’ve only got half an hour before primetime starts, but you don’t have any cable or satellite services turned on yet. WHAT DO YOU DO?

You should have heard a buzzer by now. If not, it must not be working. That’s a pretty common problem when administering Pop Quizzes over the internet to random people at random times, but don’t worry about that because your time is up. Check your answer below and see how you did.

ANSWER: You build an HD antenna out of that solid copper wire everyone makes fun of you for carrying around in your backpack with you all the time and a 75 ohm to 300 ohm matching transformer that you can buy for $3 at the Radio Shack on Michigan Avenue. Then using some cardboard left over from a box that housed a now built piece of Ikea furniture and an empty 32 ounce bottle of Gatorade, you fashion a stand and hold the whole thing together with some electrical tape that you also carry around in your backpack all the time. (see figure A and B)

Figure A

Figure B

Ok, add up all of your points, subtract negative eleven, multiply by your great grandmother’s birth year, subtract the current age of your least favorite cousin, divide that by how many days you think your next pet goldfish will live and tell the next person you see to rearrange that number randomly. Once you have that number, submit it to the post office to be put into bar code format. Then take that bar code along with all the paper money you have, no credit/debit cards or loose change, down to the fifth best dry cleaner in your town, ask him to scan that bar code. If he does not have a bar code scanner, just ask him to guess what he thinks you should be charged. Try to get a 10% discount if he doesn’t have the scanner. Once you pay him, take the remaining change (coins only) left in your pocket and you’ll have your score. Check below to see how you did.

99-100% - You and I must think a lot alike. Chances are you suffered severe ridicule in high school. Why didn’t you make more of an effort to be social back then?

90-98% - You and I seem to have a fair amount in common, let’s hang out sometime. Maybe catch that new flick about those MIT card counters.

83.6 –89% - You’re on the right track, but most likely you need to drink more Gatorade. It’s time to step up from that sippy cup.

78-83.5% - Where’s your copper wire? Don’t tell me you had to buy that too? And try not to get too many more mustard stains on the cardboard.

43-77% - You can’t just go out and spend $40 on an indoor antenna at Radio Shack when you can build one out of spare parts for under $5.

22-42% - If you go through life paying someone else to solve your problems, you’re just going to end up having someone else chew your food. Is that what you really want?

20-21% - Watching someone else’s TV across the street with a telescope is wrong on several different levels, but really the worst part is that you have no sound.

12-19% - I’m not really sure that imagining what you think the characters of your favorite shows are doing is the same as actually watching the show, but at the very least, when you ask your neighbors to come over and help you act out the scenes, try to refrain from yelling at them when they mess up their lines.

8-18% - It doesn’t matter, Lost has been on hiatus anyway.

0-7% - You’re right, no one uses that TV in the common area downstairs anyway. Chances are you could watch whatever you want without any problems. Plus, the pool is right there, so when you find out that once again, Two and a Half Men is the top sitcom in the country, it will be easy to drown yourself.

EDIT: In case it wasn't obvious, the antenna does work. I get around 30 over the air HD channels with it at no cost to me. Well, minus the money I spent on the TV and antenna...

Frustration

Dear Diary,

It's been awhile, but there are a few things I'd like to get off my chest...

I'm closing in on day 15 without any of my stuff. I was told by the shipping company that it would take about 4 days to ship all of my stuff across the country to my new residence here in Chicago. I dropped it off a full week before my flight out so that it would all be here when I arrived. After a few mixups, it was supposed to go out a days before my flight. No big deal I thought, I can go a few days without my stuff. The day before it was supposed to arrive, I called to get a tracking number. I'm not going to lie to you diary, I was really excited to get my stuff. I have a Wii now... oh, I didn't tell you? Yeah, I have a Wii.

Anyway, I'm really into Guitar Hero these days, but I wanted to consolidate my stuff, so I sold my PS2, then bought GH for the Wii. Yeah, I lost my whole career and all my accomplishments because they were done on the PS2, but that was ok because it was just another excuse to play the game a lot. Also, I'm trying to get my girlfriend addicted so that we can both spend nearly every free moment playing that wonderful game.

When I called to get the tracking number, I was informed by the shipping company that my stuff hadn't even left the building yet! I was pretty upset... mostly because I miss the Wii. But I also have my computers and some other cool stuff that I like a lot. I mean, I really like my stuff. That's why I paid a crap load of money to have it shipped here!

After a series of phone calls, my stuff was supposedly shipped. A day later, the receiving company here in Chicago called me to schedule an appointment to drop off my stuff. I got excited again. They said they would bring it on Monday, March 31st between 10am and 3pm. That was a pretty big window, but hey, it's my stuff and I want. Pretty bad really.

This is why I'm writing to you now diary. I sat there and waited all day... Nothing. They didn't call. I called them and left several messages. No reply. I miss my stuff!! I miss my Wii... I'm really starting to miss my computer. My laptop here doesn't even have spider solitaire!!

Sometimes, I just can't help but wonder, what if I had just bought a Big Red Wagon and just pulled my stuff here... It would have been faster and a lot cheaper.

OK diary, I know you're pretty busy these days, so I'll let you go now. Thanks for letting me vent. Maybe when this is all over, you and I will laugh about it, but right now, I just want to knock out a few rounds on Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2008 and then gold star a song or two on medium, but I can't. Later...