Thursday, May 01, 2008

Not for nothing…

Way back in the day, I used to live with more than one grape jelly user. I did not have the resources necessary to keep 24 hour surveillance on the jelly at all times, but I was always reasonably certain that I was not the one making the top of the jelly squeeze bottle all goopy. I believe that I possess superior jelly squeezing skills rivaled only by high level Tibetan Monks. Until recently though, it was only speculation.

I am now the only grape jelly user in the house. Aside from all of the obvious benefits, there’s also this:

After several masterfully crafted peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and not one single swipe with a napkin, paper towel, old shirt I don’t care about or someone else’s shirt when they weren’t looking, the top of the jelly squeeze bottle still looks nice and clean.

I’m not convinced that everyone reading this has fully grasped the true horror that I have had to endure. Below is a simulated squeeze jelly bottle top used by any one of my former roommates/housemates/relatives/dad/sister whose name starts with m-a-d-e-l-y…

puppies and kittens sleeping in laundry baskets full of ice creamTake a deep breath. Now go image google puppies and kittens sleeping in laundry baskets full of ice cream to try to get that horrifying image out of your head.


Syar said...

The top of that grape jelly dispenser looks like a face. And it's smiling from not being goopy. It's a small consolation that can heal my heart (and eyes) after that purple monstrosity you deigned to show us.

I'll be in a goop-recovery retreat from now until indefinitely. Have a nice day.

Madelyn said...

i feel like im being singled out here. I know I am only assuming when I guess that the sister you are talking about whose name starts with me, but i'm 99.999% sure that it is in fact me you are referring to. I am not only hurt by these accusations, but amazed that after living in that house for 21 years, then after a six year absence 6 more months and again after another one year absence yet another two years, the most horrific thing you endured was a messy jelly bottle.
I would also like to publicly apologize for the pain and suffering you seem to still be experiencing from it, and offer you some sort of compensation to make up for it. So, after i finish commenting on your post, I am going to go find such compensation.

Anonymous said...

I think the caps of those jelly bottles has been purposefully designed to waste jelly. No normal person can keep the top clean.

cadiz12 said...

wow it must take surgical skill to make sure none of that jelly oozes out and over that little slit. but i see why it's so important.

grape jelly is gross.

Madelyn said...

It IS hard to keep that top clean. I always felt a lot of pressure when i was younger to keep it clean...not at first, but after a certain someone yelled at me for its messiness. He asked too much of me!

Also, grape jelly is delicious! If you don't like it, you might consider going to therapy, because your dislike for it MUST have been caused by a traumatic experience when you were probably repressed it.

Lia said...

I've never seen a jelly squeeze bottle, so this is fascinating.

I have had similar experiences with ketchup bottles, though.

Also, Cadiz is right. Grape jelly looks gross to me, too. Go, apricot!

omar said...

Yeah, what's this with jelly squeeze bottles? Up here, we use good ol' fashioned jars and knives. Jelly squeeze bottles. Next you're going to tell me that they sell wine in boxes, right?

I have experienced this problem with syrup bottles, though. So if I re-read this post and substitute "syrup" in for "[grape] jelly," and I ignore the fact that nobody would make a peanut butter and syrup sandwich, I totally get it.

Jon said...

Syar: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to inflict such horrors on you, but at the end of the day, I thought the emotional damage it may incur outweighed the good it would do in raising public awareness.

Madelyn: Not sure why you thought I was talking about you... besides, I thought you legally changed your name to Mendalyn?

Anonymous: All it takes is a little patience.

Cadiz: Actually, I have no formal surgical training. In fact, one of my nicknames is Jonny Shakes because my hands shake so much. Really, it's about timing and foresight.

Grape jelly is a gift from the gods. I don't recommend ever looking a gift horse in the mouth, but especially not when gods are involved.

Madelyn: spot on about the grape jelly.

Lia: See Madelyn's comment about the dislike of grape jelly.

Also, these squeeze bottles are everywhere. I've been using them for several years. It's not a new invention by any means. Also, I used to eat two pb&j sandwiches a day, so that may have something to do with why I know so much about the various packaging of jelly.

Omar: The problem is actually 10 fold worse with jars and knives... the unsteady hands that remove the jelly from the jar have had a tendency to let it slop down the sides like you wouldn't believe.

It's funny though, while I will accept your syrup analogy, I will also point out that all of my syrup dealings involved a glass bottle of Aunt Jemima. No squeezing involved there for me.

Sara said...

The drawing in this post may be one of the funniest things I've ever seen...

I have a team already working on a massive jelly clean-up initiative in anticipation of your impending visit. We don't have a squeeze bottle, but we do have a jar "situation."

Please don't stress -- I guarantee it will be handled before you arrive.