Tuesday, July 28, 2009


I'm guessing (mostly hoping) that a lot of you misread the title and are expecting a post about either fruit punch or an exciting tale of romance and intrigue in the south pacific. You'll find neither here. Instead, horror, mayhem, shock, awe, disgust, nausea, giddiness and a little bit of constipation.

You may or may not know this, but there has been some talk of healthcare reform lately. You might have missed that though as it was pushed off the news desk in favor of a story about what will be happening to the official pictures of the after party for the flowers that were used in the dress rehearsal for Michael Jackson's backup memorial plan in case the first one ran into problems, which it didn't. (just so we're clear here, I'm trying to belittle the television news media, not MJ. I'll do that later when enough time has past. )

A little background info for you: I currently have a job that gives me no medical, no dental, no vision, no retirement, no vacation pay, no sick pay and no bonus options of any kind. Of course, if I can find a little overtime, I do have the potential to clear 22k/ year. Before taxes of course. It's about 17k/ year after, which should be more than enough to live on, right? I should be able to afford my own medical coverage and still be able to pay for wild vacations to the suburbs AND buy that fancy yacht I've had my eye on. I don't do that though. I spend my money on frivolous things like food ( what a waste, I'm always hungry again), the mortgage, electricity, college loans and a cellular phone.

For the most part, my complete lack of medical coverage hasn't bothered me. Then this happened:

I don't know if it's obvious in the picture, but my left arm has become completely separated from my body at the shoulder area. Turns out, I use that arm all the time. I didn't even realize it.

Why is this such a big deal you say? Because I've been asked to play softball again and I can't resist the chance to unretire like so many other great athletes. It's my achilles heel. Sure, I can play with one arm and start a new trend of one armed softball teams, but I don't think the world is ready for that. I think we all still remember how badly Jim Abbott failed and he didn't even go full one-arm. He was like one and three quarters arm...

My point is this, I'll be playing softball again in about two weeks. My shoulder better heal the crap out of itself, or I'll be forced to get a better job with health benefits and a better salary, and I know nobody wants to see that. *

Ps. I don't know why I just wrote any of this. It doesn't even make sense to me either. It took a long time to write what with the one arm and all. Probably a lot of my problems can be traced back to the blood loss caused by my missing arm. Well, missing isn't really an accurate term. I can see it right there on the table next to me. That's a self diagnosis though, so it might just be bursitis of the shoulder and require some rest. Either way, hope you enjoyed the picture attached to these rambling words. I really don't have a compass right now.

*I've actually been searching for said job for quite some time. No one seems to be hiring though. Is there some sort of problem with the economy that I'm unaware of? I've got to read those memos I keep getting.

-- Posted From My iPhone. Jealous?


Anonymous said...

With that missing arm I think you will be limited to 1st base.

BTW, some leagues require insurance to play - in case of injury.

Cofo said...

Wow, first your (theoretical) elbow fluid problem, and now this? You really need that coverage.

And you know, Lance only got 3rd this year; do you really want to risk further injury for subpar comeback performance?

Madelyn said...

It seems to me that you only need one arm to catch, and one arm to throw. Although, I suggest playing without a glove, then you just catch the ball and throw it to where it is needed. Batting may be a problem, but I still think you can pull it off. The rest is all legs.

I believe in you brother.

omar said...

Think of the range you could have in the field! Put a glove on that detatched arm, and suddenly you can reach anything in a 5' radius without even moving your feet.

cadiz12 said...

at first glance i thought you were holding a flower. oops.

i hope you get better coverage soon, because it doesn't look like they're going to make any progress on the healthcare debate anytime soon.

Jess said...

Wait, what? There's an issue with healthcare? And the economy?? And MICHAEL JACKSON'S DEAD???

Hope the arm gets better soon but apparently when I wasn't looking the rest of the world has turned on it's ass.

Jon said...

Anonymous: Wrong. I can pitch or be the designated pop fly catcher. I'm pretty sure that's a position in slow pitch softball.

Also, this league is all about danger, so no insurance is required. In fact, I think it's frowned upon.

Cofo: Make no mistake about it, once you hit 30, your body completely falls apart. That's when your warranty is officially up, so it pretty much goes without saying.

Lance and I never saw eye to eye on this whole preparation for coming back thing. He's all like, "You have to train twice as hard as you used to if you want to even consider competing!" and I'm like, "I ain't doing nothing. I'm rolling off the couch and onto the field." We already saw what a failure he was, so now it's my turn to show everyone how it's done.

Madelyn: You inspire me. I CAN play without a glove. I was going to wear the glove on my foot, but your idea is way better!

Omar: I checked the rule book and there's nothing that says I can't do that. I will suggest putting 5 guys in the outfield while I cover short and second. We will be a defensive monster!

Cadiz: My arms are often mistaken for flowers. Don't feel bad about that, it's a common mistake.

Jess: I know! It's like when I got laid off from my job two years ago, everyone else decided to stop working too. Come on economy, you're better than that!