Wednesday, May 13, 2009

What if?

A little while back, I twittedededed that my body was not leaking from anywhere and that that was a good thing. That was an entirely factual statement. It has not changed. My body is still leak free. But what if the circumstances were different? What if I WAS leaking? What would that be like? Today we're going to play a game of, "what if?" I should warn you, the image below is intensely graphic and not suitable for children over the age of 3.

As you can plainly see, I am leaking from my elbow. The above artist's rendering is in HD, so you know that it is stunningly accurate. That's what HD means.

A thorough inspection of this picture reveals significant details about what my life would be like with a leaking elbow. For instance, you may have noticed that I am smiling. This is important because it shows that a L.E.L. (Leaky Elbow Life) is not a painful thing. Further more, I must not be expected to clean up the elbow fluid myself and it must not be ruining my clothes. If any of those things were true, I can assure you that I would not be smiling.

Another notable observation is the lack of facial hair. Not only are my beard and mustache absent, but I seem to have removed my eyebrows as well. Couple those facts with the additional hair on top of my head and we can only assume that I felt the need for extensions and wanted to use my own, natural hair. This is most likely because I thought the leaky elbow made me look like I was balding. In an attempt to look younger, I added my facial hair as extensions and went with a messy looking hair style that is all the rage with the kids today. I'll be honest, I think it's working.

Finally, let's take a look at that puddle of elbow fluid developing around my feet. It's a fairly substantial amount of fluid, so we can draw a couple of conclusions here. Either the Lakers are on the verge of winning another championship and superstition precludes me from moving or changing position, or the flow rate of elbow fluid is abnormally high, creating E.F. puddles around me everywhere I go. I'd like to think it's the former rather than the latter because if it's the latter, I probably won't get invited to many guitar hero parties and that would make me sad.

I hope I've answered all of your questions concerning a world wherein my body leaks from my elbow. If for some unthinkable reason I haven't, you know where to place you queries.

-- Posted From My iPhone, which is also completely leak free.


Madelyn said...

How would you explain the absence of three fingers (one from the left hand, 2 from the right)?

Jon said...

Madelyn: I'm making a really tight fist with my right hand and a not as tight fist with my left hand? ...or, some things are just too painful to talk about. You pick.

omar said...

Let's hypothetically say, that the Lakers were on the verge of another championship. But at the same time, the Dodgers were in a 10 game losing streak. Do you move, and risk hurting the Lakers' chances, even though you moving might help break the Dodgers' streak?

Oh, and I didn't mention that on the floor beneath your leaky elbow is your Rams blanket.

Jon said...

Omar: I see where you're going with this, but it's really a no brainer. I go for the Championship. Always. The Lakers would be going for the win in June. A 10 game losing streak in June is nothing in the grand scheme of the baseball season. It's barely half way through the season. As for the blanket, I've already proven that it must not damage my clothes, so the blanket can be washed without any problems. Nice try, but I'm not about to give up a championship that easily. Better luck next time with those hypotheticals.

Anonymous said...

A third possible explanation for the fluid puddle: What if the source of said puddle is not actually your elbow, but rather, the mysterious abnormality in your torso? Is it possible that you recovered from being sliced in half too quickly to notice copious amounts of torso fluid converging under the small trickle from your elbow?

omar said...

I knew you would say that.

Which is why I came prepared with this twist:

Bud Selig moved all cold-weather MLB teams to Mexico and some various Central American nations. As a result, the baseball season now starts in December and runs through June. So now the NBA postseason and the MLB pennant race coincide. All while your elbow is leaking on your Rams blanket AND pin. And Henry Ellard.

cadiz12 said...

that must be some kind of superpowerful E.F. to drip all the way over to Henry Ellard. from the rumors i've heard, that cat is untouchable.

Jon said...

Cofo: Sorry for the confusion. I wear baggy jeans. That's all that is.

Omar: Bud Selig ruins everything. But this twist also has a flaw. Never, ever underestimate Henry Ellard. Dude catches everything.

Cadiz: That cat IS untouchable!