Wednesday, March 25, 2009

A very necessary list

Below, you will find a list of thing I am not afraid of, but would be if I were a cat. I'm going to count them down in order of fear. I'm sure you'll find this list to be very enlightening. It should also give you some good insight to the current state of my mind.

7. Escalators.
- This is definitely a cat fear. However, it isn't something they are likely to encounter very often unless they either live in a super fancy house, or are one of those creepy cats that is led around on a leash by its equally creepy owner.

6. The Ocean.
- Ever see a sail boat crew made up entirely of cats? Yeah, I didn't think so.

5. Kids Dribbling Basketballs.
- How many times have you seen a pack of cats minding their own business on the basketball courts at the park only to have a group of kids ruin an otherwise nice day of BBQ-ing (Blacktop-Basketball-Qourt-loungING*) by dribbling their basketballs all over the court? Worse yet, the kids don't even play basketball. They just mumble some nonsense about working on dribbling fundamentals.

4. Radio-Controlled, Cat-Catching Robots.
- Pretty self explanatory.

3. Cat Leukemia.
- Who among us doesn't fear cancer? Cats are no different.

2. Ensemble Casts.
- to be fair, this high ranking comes from a decades old misunderstanding that cats have of the word "casts." When said quickly, as this phrase often is, cats don't hear the word "casts," they hear the word "cats." For whatever reason, cats tend to imagine a Voltron like creature comprised of several cats joining together as one, immensely powerful cat. This is something cats find utterly terrifying.

1. The Number 10.
- Turns out, most cats we interviewed were already on their 9th life. 10 is considered to be the most unlucky number world wide by cats of all types. In Colombia, the drug cartel cats mark the houses of those they intend to kill with a red 10. In the state of Texas, a cat motorcycle gang known as "The Death Tabbies," show their loyalty by getting the number 10 tattooed on their foreheads. Kittens are taught to fear the number 10 from birth by having their mothers follow every ninth cleaning lick with a hard bite to the ear. It's harsh, but effective.

Well, that about wraps it up. Just to clarify, I am not, nor have I ever been, afraid of any of the aforementioned things.

Ok, bye.

*Cats are notoriously bad spellers and even worse at coming up with good acronyms.

-- Posted From My iPhone, so you know it's factually accurate.


Syar said...

The Death Tabbies will now be the name of my new bluegrass meowtal (no?) band. A check for your copyright/patent/whatever is on it's way.

No. 6 made me think of that Arrested Development episode where GOB was trying to lure the loose seal that bit off Buster's hand with cats. That was hilarious. I laugh frequently at the misfortune of cats and their stupid phobias, and then expect them to warm my feet at night at be cuddleable 24/7.

Chatty Catty Cat said...

Cat-Catching Robots would be top of my list.

I was also thinking about Gob and the seals. Good times.

This post is both informative and scary (for cats)

Madelyn said...

I feel that many of their fears were completely overlooked, for example, lunch meat being thrown at them, strangers knocking on their owners door, and finally vacuum cleaners. . . . then again, maybe I'm just thinking of one cat.

Jon said...

holy crap cats. I had misspellings all over the place. Thanks for correcting me.