Monday, July 30, 2007

You make the call

I have always trusted the internet implicitly. It is a wise being that is capable of making important decisions. It has happened upon me once again that I must make a very important decision and I seek the guidance of the omniscient internet.

For quite some time now, I have been growing what is known as a “playoff beard.” It has been pointed out to me that none of my teams are currently in a playoff situation and therefore it is unnecessary for me to have such a beard. I have also been asked on several occasions if I am in some sort of ugly-beard growing contest. I assure you, I am not in any such contest. Unless there is money being awarded to the winner, in which case, I most certainly am in such a contest. Please pay me now.

The decision to keep or shave the beard has proven to be far too much for my mind to bear, so it is with great appreciation that I kindly request the internet to give their opinion on the topic. I’ll give you until Wednesday at midnight, pacific standard time to weigh in, then I’ll either keep or shave the beard based on the general internet consensus in the comments. I’ve got the legal team working on a fair way to assess the comments, but I won’t release the details of “The Rules” until after everyone has commented. Sure, it sounds like I might be manipulating the rules based on the fact that I won’t be releasing them until after votes have been cast, but that’s just the risk you’ll have to take.

I wouldn’t dream of asking your opinion without showing you what you’re voting on, so below, I have given you photographic evidence of exactly what you’re voting on.

As you can see, there are some noticeable drawbacks to the beard. Not the least of which is the fact that I have to stand like that whenever I’m not doing anything else in particular. I’m not posing for a picture by any means, that’s just the way the beard wants me to stand. This has made parties pretty awkward at times. Lots of questions about the creepy guy with the beard. They think I don’t know that they’re talking about me… but I know… oh, I know alright. Also, you may have noticed the “No Grow” zone that extends from the middle of my ear down to just above my jaw. I am incapable of growing sideburns. It has completely torpedoed my career as an Elvis impersonator, and don’t think that doesn’t hurt me. Years of therapy have helped me to go back out in public with out crying uncontrollably, but just below the surface, the sadness remains. Bear that in mind when you place your votes, that’s all I’m saying, although I don’t know why I’m saying it.

As further evidence of how fair and comprehensive I want this vote to be, I’ve included yet another picture of myself without a beard below. This way you don’t have to imagine it. I think this picture is a few months older than the bearded one, but I don’t know the exact date. That’s my older sister behind me. She looks the same with or without the beard, so no need to weigh in on that topic.

Lastly, I’ll also be fielding suggestions on some sort of compromise, be it keeping just a throatee maybe, or perhaps ditching the beard, but continuing work on a waxed up, handlebar mustache. Thanks in advance internet, I look forward to hearing from you.


Radioactive Jam said...

I vote for a shave, and recommend you leave a couple asymmetric "soul patches" aka ASPs.

Aside: if you do decide to shave the beard, could you maybe take another picture showing ASPs? Even if you remove them right after the photo session.

It would mean a lot to me, plus if the picture is strange enough, once Google Images finds it you'll have dozens of people grabbing copies for posting in mySpace comments and various other global forums.

Did I say dozens of people? I meant hundreds. Thousands, probably.

I'm just saying.

Nadia said...

If the beard gets you posing in that super-cool-and-not-at-all-humiliating manner all the time, why would you ever want to shave it off? Ever?


Anyway, I'm with Jam re: the ASPs. Minus the A. Just the SP, then. Except, hmmm, I don't know where I stand concerning the bestowing of souls onto inanimate objects (in this case, your facial hair), so in the interest of avoiding religious conflict, maybe I'll leave out the S too.

Well then. P it is. I want a P on your face, Jon, and I want the world to see it too.

omar said...

I could not possibly say anything better than Nadia's comment.

In my opinion, whether or not you keep the beard should depend on how long it takes you to grow it back. Sure, the Dodgers are in first place now. But take the following very possible scenario:

The Padres rally around Tony Gwynn's enshrinement into the Hall. They go nuts in August and early September, and manage to lock up the NL West early. The Diamondbacks, Cubs, and Dodgers now find themselves in a battle for the NL wildcard spot. Suddenly, most of the Dodgers' September games (especially the early September series in Chicago and the late September series in Arizona) are basically like playoff games.

Do you want it on your conscience that you shaved off the playoff beard just because it wasn't yet the "official" playoffs? And given that the Dodgers may not know their post season status until very late September, are you going to be able to grow a sufficiently thick playoff beard in the week between the season's end and the beginning of the playoffs?

Maybe you can grow it on a moment's notice, and my questions are all moot. But if not, and you go and shave it, I don't know how you could continue to call yourself a fan.

cadiz12 said...

i think that beard is a little heavy on you; maybe shave it all off (post -ASP/SP/P pictures, of course) and try something lighter, maybe some matthew-fox-party-of-five-era stubble? perhaps it won't be enough facial hair for you to be forced to stand like that anymore.

my friend's husband keeps his hair (which is reportedly very silky and luxurious) closely cropped because that's what his wife likes. I'm interested in hearing what your girlfriend thinks of all this beard business.

jazz said...

I waited to hear from cadiz first because, i value her opinion. and you should too. and i suppose the result of this summit is to say that maybe you should ditch the thing. also, i'm with all of the above re: ASP. rather, i'd like to see an SP. ditch the A.

and yes, why aren't you consulting your girlfriend on this? why leave it to all us crazy randoms?

Jon said...

quick update on the girlfriend issue some of you have brought up. She has become pretty unreliable in situations like this because of her "Unconditional Love" for me, so I really can't count on her for an honest opinion since having, or not having the beard isn't any kind of deal breaker.

Omar brings up a staggeringly good argument though. I could be solely responsible for the Dodgers first place position right now. Jeopardizing that could be entirely too much of a risk. It will take me a little over a month to get back to this stage, so I could still have time for the playoffs, but it would be cutting it close.

If I do shave it though, you can expect lots of pictures and possibly a video. ASP's, SP's and P's galore.

cadiz12 said...

oh c'mon, jon. every girl has a preference. but if she's that worried about canaries, maybe she's just trying to be nice. i'd ask her friends what she REALLY says.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Bearded Stance? Is that a new thing? But it took me the past 20 years just to learn how to do Neneh Cherry's 'Buffalo Stance.' :(

I only came here because Carrot Jello commanded me to. She's a big fan of yours. Maybe it has something to do with your matching beards.

Syar said...

Keep it!! I like the beard, and regardless of what your limbs are being manipulated to do by the beard, I am forced to think through your "thumbs up" and big smile pose that you too enjoy your beard very much and in the end, all I want is for everyone to be happy. Except for canaries, those little buggers deserve the bad karma that happens upon them.

So I say keep it. Or attempt the ASP/SP/P suggestions.

Either way, there better be pictures of progression or de-progression of the beard. A beard-a-mentary.

Carrot Jello said...

Ha! Shows you how much Elastic knows. I only have a moustache.
I say keep the beard, shave your legs, and fill in the gap between your sideburn and your beard.
That way it doesn't look weird, and you're recycling.

Carrot Jello said...

Less than two hours. I can hardly wait.

Jon said...

The legal team was supposed to tally the results and release and official statement, but then they had to go pick up their aunt at the airport... there were some complications. I'm not happy with them right now, but well have this fully sorted out in the morning.

Jon said...

yes, release AND official statement. Far too many people are releasing an official statement these days, so my legal council has taken it upon them to release, and then official statement. Don't worry, I've had 17 copy editors look that over, and it is grammatically functional and correct in every sense of the word, "wrong."

cadiz12 said...

what did the aunt think? i'm sure you had her weigh in, too, no?

Nadia said...

I grow impatient.

And also, a beard of my own, if you keep us* waiting much longer.

*The whole wide world.

Jon said...

Sorry, it's cruel. Mean even. Omar made some extremely good points, so the legal team decided to test out his theory and attend a Dodger game last night... The results were not good. I promise an update later tonight.