Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The funny thing is…

I can go a month without posting and not even feel it. I wonder where the time goes and how it gets away from me. I honestly feel like I posted 2 days ago. It’s the same thing with bills. I think I just paid my car insurance, and then, bam! There’s another bill waiting for me when I get home. It really only happens once every two months, but it sure feels like twice a week.

On the flip/hypocritical side, I read a couple of blogs pretty regularly, and by regularly, I mean 2 or 3 times a day. I get pretty upset when they go more than 43 hours without posting. I’ve been known to throw imaginary canaries at my monitor out of frustration. It’s not pretty. But it gets even uglier when those blogs cross the 86 hour mark. That’s when I start writing letters to their congressmen. Really long, meandering letters about how my feelings have been hurt and how many imaginary canaries I’ve sent to an unnecessary demise. I send graphic photos of the horrible canary slaughters, but since they are imaginary, it’s really just a picture of my monitor. I think that’s the reason none of my letters have ever been taken seriously. Not even P.E.T.A. has tried to come after me, and those guys will go after pretty much anyone.

I guess what I’m trying to say in my own little way is: You guys need to stop slacking off and keep your post more frequent. I’m sorry, I’m not trying to be rude about it, but the imaginary canary body count is unacceptably high right now. If not for me and my ridiculous requests, do it for all the imaginary canaries dying quick, painless deaths as they crash headlong into my monitor.

Now, here’s the conversation I predict I’ll be having with my girlfriend after she reads this post.

Girlfriend: Jonathan! I cannot believe you would even joke about throwing canaries at your monitor! That’s just mean. You’re a mean little boy!

Me: No I’m not. Of course I would never throw an actual canary at my monitor. I love that monitor. I love that monitor soooooo much. (Said like GIR from Invader Zim) I’m talking about imaginary canaries. There’s a difference.

Girlfriend: Your monitor!?!?! Why is that funny to you?!!?

Me: It’s funny because everyone knows I’m joking. The idea of me throwing an imaginary anything at my monitor is funny. The sheer thought of me getting angry with anyone for not posting is downright comical in and of itself because I NEVER post anymore.

Girlfriend: Well I don’t think it’s funny at all. Hurting innocent little birds, real or not, just isn’t funny. The real problem is that you don’t post anymore. This silly little post trying to turn it around on everyone else for not posting more is just a pathetic attempt at misdirection. Trust me, nobody is going to fall for it.

Me: Oh, I think many will fall for it. I think that on the whole, 98% of my readers will fall for it, hook, line and sinker. They will be like simple little goldfish in a fish in a tiny goldfish tank, and I will be the master fisherman with my flawless technique, reeling them all in, one after another until my second fish tank is so full of fish that I have to switch sides and catch the same fish over again and put them back into their original tank.

Girlfriend: You’re insane, you know that?

Me: Yeah, insane like a fox!

Girlfriend: You know that doesn’t even make sense, don’t you?

Me: It makes sense alright, I’ll show you. Let’s go make out.

Girlfriend: Ok.

Aaaaaannnnnnd SCENE!

PS. I’ve decided after loosely skimming over this post that “Imaginary Canary” is going to be the title of my number one hit single due out in late November of 2010. It’ll be available only as a cassingle, so look for it in your local music stores. It’ll probably be somewhere in the back, probably located in a large bin of other $0.99 items. It may also be in their trashcans. You should probably check them both just to be sure.


jazz said...

that kind of sounds like something your girlfriend might say...

cadiz12 said...

"imaginary canaries" sounds like a chart-topper for sure. but only if you steal the right kind of hook.

somehow i don't think your girlfriend would call you a little boy. are you sure you're not confusing your girlfriend with your mom?

omar said...

Crap, I'd better go post something! That is, of course, assuming mine is one of the couple of blogs you were referring to.

Just let me believe it, Jon. Let me believe.

Nadia said...

Gir wouldn't think twice about throwing imaginary anythings at anything else.

I love Gir.

Anonymous said...

What do you get if cross a cat with a canary? Shredded tweet!

Radioactive Jam said...

I used to want an imaginary canary, but then I realized I was, you know.

Imagining things.

Syar said...

Cassingle would be a great name for an imaginary canary.

Jon said...

Jazz: No, that sounds like something my girlfriend is bound by destiny to say.

Cadiz: Don't worry, I'll be reviewing all of the music from the 70's and 80's (you know, the stuff that's much too old for today's youth to even know about) and I'll steal only the best hooks available.

And no, I would never confuse my mother with my girlfriend. That's exactly the kind of thing she'd say late at night as she's falling asleep, then deny ever saying the next day. Trust me.

Omar: Look at you, trying to play all coy... you know better than anyone on the face of the planet how often I hit up your blog. Stat-counter will confirm this I'm sure. Go ahead and believe Omar.

Nadia: No, Gir would not. But he would feel bad about it right after. Then he would need some tacos, or he might explode. That happens to him sometimes.

Anonymous: um... yeah.

Jam: I know Jam... I know.

Syar: I can't argue with you. It's a great name. But I feel like if I start naming them, I'll get a little too attached and I won't be able to throw them at my monitor anymore. Then I'll have to find another way to vent my frustrations. I fear that may lead to me singing old Frank Sinatra songs in the style of Britney Spears at the top of my lungs. Not the bottom. The top.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

I like you, even though you're not a PETA approved blog stalker.

My verification is BJDQ

That's so nasty. Who gets a BJ at Dairy Queen?