It’s time for some sharing. I’m talking about some deep, inner soul sharing. The kind of stuff that usually comes out at 3 am at the end of a long, impromptu, philosophical conversation about life, jelly beans and VHS vs. Beta. I had a few of those in college. They are great memories for me, but there is something that I never shared. It is a secret so deep, that I’ve probably only told a few dozen people about it and I may have mentioned it here on the blog, although I’m not entirely sure. Can I google my blog and find out? I’m positive that I can. Will I? I’m not done with this post yet, but the odds are stacked heavily against it. As all Shuck N’ Jive related bets have recently been banned in all Las Vegas casinos due to their highly unpredictable nature, I can’t tell you what the line is exactly, but if you were to bet one dollar that I’m going to google to see if I’ve mention this particularly deep guarded secret, well, you could potentially win yourself a cool $600+ million. And that is a very significant number. More so than you may actually realize. Allow me to explain.
It’s deeply guarded secret reveal time. Always a fun time here at TSNJ.
Ever since I was in my early 20’s, I’ve wanted to own a professional baseball team. More specifically, I’ve wanted to own a team in the Major Leagues. I could have purchased a “professional” team in Sri Lanka for $12.58 and a pack of gum, but the Sri Lankan squad has yet to win an international game in 4,526 attempts. I like an underdog as much as anyone, but I didn’t see a lot of promise there. Their farms system was literally a bunch of rubber tree farms. Yes, the price was right, but I didn’t really feel like that was the dream fulfilling stuff I was looking for.
Then, yesterday, the Tribune company announced that at the end of the 2007 season, the Chicago Cubs will be put up for sale. I smelled an opportunity. It’s not often that you get this much notice that a team is going to be put up for sale. That means I’ve got nearly 6 months to get my funds together for a bid to purchase the team. The estimated value of the Chicago Cubs is $600 million (see the Vegas ban tie in?).
I’m currently living at home with my parents, rent free. So yeah, I’m saving a little bit of money, but probably not quite enough for me to buy the team. I’m going to need some help. I’ve never had a problem asking for help though, so there’s nothing new that I’m going to attempt here. All I’m asking is that every man, woman and child in the United States of America donate $2.50 to me so that I can buy the Cubs. The last estimated population of the US was 298,444,215 people. That was in July of 2006. I can’t imagine that there’s any less than 350,000,000 now. That means if everyone donates, I’ll have approximately 875 million dollars to work with. I think that should cover the cost of buying the team, as well as relocating myself to the city of Chicago. I don’t think that’s asking too much. I mean, if I own the team, I ought to live in the city, right?
Am I qualified to own a baseball team? Well, I can tell you that in my life I’ve owned many things. Many, many things. So yeah, I think I’m qualified to own a baseball team. But if that doesn’t convince you (and I can’t imagine a world in which that doesn’t) but just to humor those that I don’t believe exist, let me tell you a story. This particular story took place last night. I was playing second base for my company softball team, of which I am also the manager (seriously, should I just stop here? I think I’m starting to be so unbelievably over qualified it’s getting a little ridiculous), and the man at the plate hit a scalding, eye-level ball RIGHT AT ME. Of course I caught it, but that’s not where this story ends, no, that would be too easy, and also not very convincing. The story, since it didn’t end there, continues like this: Having caught the ball, I saw out of the corner of my eye that the runner on third had taken several steps towards home. Since I just caught the ball, that meant that he had to get back to third base before I threw the ball over there or he would be out. He was jogging rather nonchalantly, so I reached back and fired kind of a weak rainbow somewhere halfway between third and home. Needless to say, the runner was safe, but I proved my baseball savvy to pretty much anyone watching the play. That included the wife and two kids (ages 4 and 6) of one of our players. It did not however, include our third baseman. None of that really matters though except to show that I’m clearly, amazingly qualified to own and operate a Major League franchise.
I’ll be setting up a paypal link for donations later on this week just to make things easy for everyone. I’ll also be accepting direct cash donations by random strangers on the street. Don’t be a jerk, just do your part so that I can live a dream. I’ll make a plaque or something to commemorate all those that donated. Word to the wise, the more you donate, the more legible your name will be on the plaque…
13 comments:
I think 600 million is way too high. After all, the Cubs are cursed. There should be a curse discount.
As to qualified, how much do you really have to know to watch the Cubs blow a lead or a season?
You're in...
i'm convinced; my check for $1 is in the mail.
oh and i've heard that it's actually the Tribune Company that is cursed, for its policy on hours. but that could just be a rumor. however, if it isn't, then the cubs are well on their way to a pennant.
I'll give you the whole $600 million if you promise to rename the team The Chigago Juggernauts. And make me President of Baseball Operations.
(I am strongly considering using $150 of my tax refund money next year to sponsor a youth soccer team, JUST so I can name them the Juggernauts. It's one of my dreams.)
Of course, the city of Chicago might not take to well to you changing their CITY name as well as the team nickname. So I'll settle for the CHICAGO Juggernauts, instead of "Chigago."
chigago does go better with the juggernaut g-theme. and the way some people around these parts pronounce it, i doubt there'd be much of a difference.
but you know i can't support that officially, as i am a grammar Nazi. sorry, buddy.
Anonymous: I actually believe that it takes tremendous dedication and unwavering resolve to lose season after season after season. I don’t think that happens by accident. It’s got to be tough to find new and inventive ways to injure your players and blow all those games. You’d think that at least once in the last one hundred years that they would have accidentally put together a bunch of guys that weren’t onboard with that philosophy and just decided to win.
Cadiz: $1?? I’m not trying to sound like a jerk here, but I believe the minimum per person is $2.50. Just dig through the couch or something.
Omar: Hmmm… so if I change the name, you’ll donate all 600 million? This puts me in quite the position… I hadn’t considered renaming the CITY too, but you’ve acknowledged that and have decided it’s no longer necessary… Still, I’ve got a lot to think about. Are you going to want to rename the stadium OP.NET Field? That might be a deal breaker…
I’ll be releasing a statement to the press later today that states if I buy the Cubs, I promise not to rename the city Chigago, even though most people I know prefer to pronounce it that way.
sorry, buddy. i'm in a bit of a money crunch right now. maybe if i get some cash back from the tax man i can cough up another $1.50. hey, i'm doing what i can!
So the speaving isn't working then? I'm not a baseball fan, but what the heck. I'll kick in the $2.50 (which is really 7 Malaysian Ringgit for me, due to the exchange rate) and throw in a few rubber trees, so you can invest in your future. I don't know much about rubber trees and how it helps with the future, but Malaysia's quite full of them so take a few. Sure Sri Lanka couldn't do a lot with their trees, but you're Jon! You're so full of qualified qualities. I trust you.
I just ask that my name (SYAR) be incorportaed into as many of your team's things/names/events/billboards/foam fingers/stadiums/tattoos as possible.
Cadiz: I’ll be anxiously awaiting your tax return!
Syar: Funny you should mention that. It turns out, that the best possible way in the world to Speave, is by buying the Chicago Cubs. Who knew?
Also, at every home game, I will give away rubber trees to the first 10,000 fans courtesy of Syar. The scoreboard will be renamed The Syarboard, nachos will now be referred to as Syarchos and the clubhouse will now be called the Syarhouse.
And every Sunday home game, the first 30,000 fans in attendance will be offered Syar Rulz! Foam fingers.
Lastly, during all day games, all children under 14 will receive free Syar tattoos, courtesy of Menard’s Sporting Goods.
Of course, all of this might change should I accept Omar’s offer…
You can accept both our offers. I don't mind lending my name to the Chicago Juggernauts! So long as they make commercials for my Syarchos.
we're both waiting on it, buddy boy.
so are you going to rename Wrigley "Cadiz Field" after my contribution? i am one of your staunchest supporters. i just happen to be poor.
The Young Ninja Phenom requests her name be retained but her link be changed as she can now be found at brighthopes.wordpress.com. *bows*
your request will be granted just as soon as I remember where I put links... give me 24 hours...
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