Injury Time Out

Well, I’ve really done it this time. I currently have a severely sprained left ankle. (my right ankle is fine, for all of you right ankle fans out there.) Softball is once again the culprit. Or more specifically, those two giant pits that right handed batters dug out in the batters box are the culprits. I was sliding into home on a close play at the plate and my left ankle got caught in one of the aforementioned pits and I jack-knifed over the plate. There was a popping sound and immediate pain. I was able to connect the two and determine that something not so good had just happened. I know what you’re thinking though, and don’t worry, I made sure I touched the plate. I was safe and the run counted. We only lost by 12 runs. Could have been 13…

I make ludicrous decisions all the time. There was no reason to change my ways the other night, so I drove myself home after the game. For those of you that don’t know, I drive a manual transmission vehicle. The left foot is kind of key in that it operates the clutch. Let me just say that the ride home was not the most fun I’ve ever had driving my car. Though no one recorded me on my drive home, every time I shifted, I would not deny screaming such obscenities as, “Paul Walker is a good actor!!” or, “I like the musical stylings of Kenny G.!!!”

When I got home, I could at least hobble inside. The next morning, well that was a slightly different story. Putting weight on it was not really an option. I mean, sure, I could have put some weight on it, but that would just mean more obscenities and a lot more pain. I was brought up to be extremely pious, not that I am, but since I’m living at home, I like to give my parents the illusion that they did something right. Therefore I try to make sure they don’t catch me saying things like, “Monday is my favorite day of the week!” or, “The WNBA Rules!!” They put a lot of hard work into raising me and I don’t want to disappoint them.

I made a somewhat baffling maneuver that day by calling my doctor to make an appointment. They were able to fit me in at 2:45. Of course, that’s really just something they put down on paper to make people feel like they matter. I sat in a room by myself for a good 35 minutes before anyone came to see me. After about a minute and 3 seconds of tests, they determined that it was severely sprained and that they would need x-rays. I was then instructed to hobble down the hall to the x-ray technician. I did so and was lucky enough to fill out a second set of paperwork before the x-rays were taken. The x-ray lab is not associated with the medical clinic I go to, they just happen to be in the same building, conveniently located right by all the doctor’s offices. I find this to be an amazing coincidence.

They have a fancy new x-ray machine, or more specifically, they got rid of those archaic film slides that they developed and it’s all digital now. Much faster to get the results. However, you still have to wait another 45 minutes to an hour for the doctor to come in and say, “Well, the good news is there are no fractures or breaks. Put this aircast on for a few days and here’s a prescription for some anti-inflammatorys and pain killers.”

My favorite part about the x-rays was when the technician threw the heavy lead blanket over my crotch. I felt really good about medical technology at that moment and half expected her to wink at me and say, “For the kids.” She was a fairly old woman, but very nice. She walked me all the way back to the examination room.

So far, this story has me spending the majority of the past two days in bed with my ankle elevated. I haven’t gone to work. Not that I could drive myself even if I wanted to. But it’s really weird, as much as I’d like to wake up at 6 a.m. and head out to a day of misery and boredom at work, I haven’t really missed it the last two days. Who saw that coming?

I am also forced to officially acknowledge Softball as the devil’s game as it has wrecked my shoulder, torn my hamstring and now severely sprained my ankle all in the span of a few months. 2005 has not been a good year for my softball career. I’m out for at least a week or two with this one… probably longer. But knowing me, it will be shorter, then re-injured and consequently longer. I seem to have very selective learning.

Tomorrow I head back to work, fully hoping that the drugs make me all kinds of drowsy and I sleep through half the day at work. Here’s to drooling on my keyboard!!

Cue The Somber Music…

It is with great disappointment that I post today. As many of you may know, or at the very least, have forgotten, one of my many goals in life is to become a millionaire playboy. I’ve taken several personality and aptitude tests, and they all say the same thing, I don’t like to work, but I love vacations and spending money, so all I’m really qualified to do is be a millionaire playboy. Well, tonight, they mega millions lottery jackpot is 150 million. I don’t know about you, but that certainly sounds like the makings of the millionaire portion of the millionaire playboy.

Here’s where things get kind of fuzzy. Some of my critics out there would argue that I made a somewhat crucial error when I failed to actually buy a lottery ticket. Of course, we won’t really know if that’s true or not for several weeks as there is currently a cluster of 32 supercomputers crunching the numbers to verify that my lack of purchasing a ticket has directly affected my ability to obtain those 150 million dollars. Plus, I still have to wait until tomorrow morning when the state lottery commission may or may not give me a call informing me of their decision to just bequeath the money to me. I submitted my aptitude tests to them several weeks ago, so it really wouldn’t surprise me at all if and when they call me with the good news.

In the mean time, I will have to occupy my time with some of the more unsavory activities in life. I have great confidence that I will receive a call in the morning, but I suppose just to humor fate a little, I will still get up and prepare for work, just as I do every weekday morning. Yes, I agree with every single one of you that it is an unnecessary thing to do, I really should just let the sweet sound of my phone ringing wake me rather than the heinous sound of my alarm clock, but what can I say? I’m a glutton for pleasure. Besides, I’d much rather answer the phone showered and ready for the ensuing press conference rather than be all crusty eyed and groggy… The last thing I want to do is say something foolish in the press conference like, “I’m going to donate all of my winnings to Bill Gates, because I think he offers the public top notch products at fair prices and he should be rewarded for that.” I’m prone to that kind of chicanery when I’m groggy…

If, in the highly unlikely event, I do not receive such a call (ludicrous, I know.) I will consider alternative means of obtaining millions of dollars, including but not limited to: Begging my mom and dad for it; buying it on eBay for a greatly reduced price; becoming a professional athlete; selling my secret to happiness; or blackmailing France with some fairly incriminating photos.

So that’s pretty much all I have to say about that. But that leaves this post a bit shorter than I’d like. Don’t think for one second that I’m going to let a little something like lack of content or substance shorten up my post though. Oh no. I am unscrupulous when it comes to this sort of thing. You can expect that the next few paragraphs will be completely unnecessary, but they will be padding this post. And in the end, I’m all about the padding.

So I spent most of my three day weekend trying to get this to work. If it doesn’t work for you now, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised because it turns out, I was a bit of a failure this weekend. If it does work, enjoy because it took me entirely too long to do it. I’d also like to say that if you’ve got a computer that’s working pretty well and you’re not really into that kind of care free living, just give it to me and I’ll take care of that nagging little problem. If nothing else, I learned this weekend that I’m awesome at making computers slow down and freeze up a lot. It’s a gift and I shouldn’t waste it.

I also changed the oil in my car. I’ve gone all synthetic. None of that petroleum based garbage for me anymore. No sir, I’ll pay a lot more for some stuff grown in a lab. Basically, the theory is that I’ll have to change it less because full synthetic is supposed to last a lot longer. My aunt and uncle change the oil in their car once a year. It should be noted that I think they are stupid and have grossly over estimated the abilities of this synthetic oil, but their engine hasn’t seized up yet, so maybe their still stupid, but right about the oil. I have to be honest, the car felt good today… I don’t know that I actually possess the ability to detect more or less friction between the pistons and the cylinder wall, but if I do, then I think this synthetic oil reduced the friction making the engine feel silky smooth and dare I say even peppier than normal. When I hit the freeway onramp at 145 and launched myself, literally, into traffic this morning, I distinctly remember thinking to myself that it felt easier than usual.

Ok, enough padding.