Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Cue The Somber Music…

It is with great disappointment that I post today. As many of you may know, or at the very least, have forgotten, one of my many goals in life is to become a millionaire playboy. I’ve taken several personality and aptitude tests, and they all say the same thing, I don’t like to work, but I love vacations and spending money, so all I’m really qualified to do is be a millionaire playboy. Well, tonight, they mega millions lottery jackpot is 150 million. I don’t know about you, but that certainly sounds like the makings of the millionaire portion of the millionaire playboy.

Here’s where things get kind of fuzzy. Some of my critics out there would argue that I made a somewhat crucial error when I failed to actually buy a lottery ticket. Of course, we won’t really know if that’s true or not for several weeks as there is currently a cluster of 32 supercomputers crunching the numbers to verify that my lack of purchasing a ticket has directly affected my ability to obtain those 150 million dollars. Plus, I still have to wait until tomorrow morning when the state lottery commission may or may not give me a call informing me of their decision to just bequeath the money to me. I submitted my aptitude tests to them several weeks ago, so it really wouldn’t surprise me at all if and when they call me with the good news.

In the mean time, I will have to occupy my time with some of the more unsavory activities in life. I have great confidence that I will receive a call in the morning, but I suppose just to humor fate a little, I will still get up and prepare for work, just as I do every weekday morning. Yes, I agree with every single one of you that it is an unnecessary thing to do, I really should just let the sweet sound of my phone ringing wake me rather than the heinous sound of my alarm clock, but what can I say? I’m a glutton for pleasure. Besides, I’d much rather answer the phone showered and ready for the ensuing press conference rather than be all crusty eyed and groggy… The last thing I want to do is say something foolish in the press conference like, “I’m going to donate all of my winnings to Bill Gates, because I think he offers the public top notch products at fair prices and he should be rewarded for that.” I’m prone to that kind of chicanery when I’m groggy…

If, in the highly unlikely event, I do not receive such a call (ludicrous, I know.) I will consider alternative means of obtaining millions of dollars, including but not limited to: Begging my mom and dad for it; buying it on eBay for a greatly reduced price; becoming a professional athlete; selling my secret to happiness; or blackmailing France with some fairly incriminating photos.

So that’s pretty much all I have to say about that. But that leaves this post a bit shorter than I’d like. Don’t think for one second that I’m going to let a little something like lack of content or substance shorten up my post though. Oh no. I am unscrupulous when it comes to this sort of thing. You can expect that the next few paragraphs will be completely unnecessary, but they will be padding this post. And in the end, I’m all about the padding.

So I spent most of my three day weekend trying to get this to work. If it doesn’t work for you now, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised because it turns out, I was a bit of a failure this weekend. If it does work, enjoy because it took me entirely too long to do it. I’d also like to say that if you’ve got a computer that’s working pretty well and you’re not really into that kind of care free living, just give it to me and I’ll take care of that nagging little problem. If nothing else, I learned this weekend that I’m awesome at making computers slow down and freeze up a lot. It’s a gift and I shouldn’t waste it.

I also changed the oil in my car. I’ve gone all synthetic. None of that petroleum based garbage for me anymore. No sir, I’ll pay a lot more for some stuff grown in a lab. Basically, the theory is that I’ll have to change it less because full synthetic is supposed to last a lot longer. My aunt and uncle change the oil in their car once a year. It should be noted that I think they are stupid and have grossly over estimated the abilities of this synthetic oil, but their engine hasn’t seized up yet, so maybe their still stupid, but right about the oil. I have to be honest, the car felt good today… I don’t know that I actually possess the ability to detect more or less friction between the pistons and the cylinder wall, but if I do, then I think this synthetic oil reduced the friction making the engine feel silky smooth and dare I say even peppier than normal. When I hit the freeway onramp at 145 and launched myself, literally, into traffic this morning, I distinctly remember thinking to myself that it felt easier than usual.

Ok, enough padding.

14 comments:

cadiz12 said...

turns out i'm not authorized to view 'this' nor 'it'. and here i thought i all that hall of fame stuff made me special.

as far as the millionaire thing goes, i think your best bet is blackmail. it always is. especially with the French.

omar said...

"this" and "it" worked here, and it looks great. I mean, they look great, not just it. This looks cool too.

I did buy a megamillions ticket. And yet somehow, after reading your post, I feel defefated.

Guyana-Gyal said...

I'd buy you a ticket, but it's soooo much hard work, darn.

Radioactive Jam said...

Dude. This? It? Whoa. Totally.

Jon said...

I'm glad it's working for some people so far... The blue screen of death has been making far too many visits to me lately...

Omar, it was never my intention to make you feel defefated.. I'm sorry for that.

Guyana-Gyal said...

I came back to look at "it" on my lunch break...and "it" is gone. :-(

Jon said...

hmmm... it's still working for me...

cadiz12 said...

special status reinstated! this and it are cool.

Lou (a.k.a. rainpuddles) said...

Hey Jon, when they decide to give you the $150 million, do you plan to share it with us!?! Just think about it... we'd all be free to comment on your blog all day and all night! Your "hits" would dramatically increase. I think it's a fabulous idea!

Glo said...

Didn't work. But that could be me. I'm a buzz-killer for many of the best computers....probably just shy, I'll see if I can coax it out....nope. No luck.

On the other hand, since I stopped letting my brother "fix" my computer, it has been running all too smoothly....you're right. That's creepy and wrong. Going to spill something on it right now...something sticky or even Jell-O.....

Nadia said...

For the record, it was Syar whom Jazz got typing scared.

Syar said...

uh, for what record nadia? I don't see anybody mentioning anything about me typing scared. I'm lost.

also, no 'this' OR 'it' for me. bad luck, old bean.

Syar said...

and then I went to last posts comment and realized what the heck nadia was talking about. thanks for rubbing it in luv, 'preciate it.

Guyana-Gyal said...

Darn, no luck yet with the lotto, Jon?