Ok, I think a sufficient amount of time has past so that this will seem both new and original, even though it is far from either one of those. If I teach you people anything, first of all, I’ll be surprised, but after that wears off, I’ll want to make sure that whatever you just learned, you unlearn it and learn just this one other thing. From me, you need to learn the value of putting things off for a really long time. That is all.
Without further ado (a refreshing change for most of you) I present, “The Interview.”
Questions (in essence) were provided by Cadiz at my own request. I have, however, taken the liberty of spicing it up a bit.
The views and opinions expressed in this interview are not necessarily those of Cadiz or her affiliates. They are based solely on the mindless conjecture of Jon and his not so amusing imagination.
I’ve taken the time to highlight the portions of the following interview that were directly provided by Cadiz in the vague hope of avoiding some sort of lawsuit.
Unofficial Transcript – The Interview
Cadiz: “A lot has been made recently of your complete lack of money and overwhelming allergies to various animals. In light of these two highly related facts about yourself, the Shuck N Jive message boards have been bombarded with all sorts of theories and speculation as to what type of pet you might own if these factors were removed from your current situation. So my question to you is, If allergies/money were no object, name your ideal pet and name your ideal pet.”
Jon: “I can’t say I didn’t see this coming. I try to stay away from the message boards, but my PR department says that keeping up on what all the fans are saying is important to maintaining my image of perfection in their eyes, so I’ve seen the question and had some time to think about it. As to what the pet would be, that’s pretty simple. I would love to have a pet Cheetah. I’ve always been a bit of a cat person, but in general, they don’t do much for home security, at least not in the tabby variety anyway. So I figure if I just make the cat bigger, all those dog proponents out there will be forced to admit there is no real advantage in dog security. The naming of that pet gets a bit trickier. For me, the naming of anything usually has to come from personality. That’s how I name my chairs and pillows, so I don’t think I would change that formula for a pet cheetah. I’d have to wait until I met the cheetah before I could accurately give it a name, but judging by the gun I see in your hand, I’ll go ahead and say I’d call him Gary. The I could say things to would be burglars like, ‘you better watch out, Gary’s gonna get you! Oh, you can run, but Gary is reeeeeeeal fast…’ ”
Cadiz: “Do you think maybe you could shorten up the answers a bit? I’m sure you’re aware of the reader’s complaints concerning your constant, nonsensical blathering. And for the record, I’m not holding a gun. It’s a pencil. Jon is just an idiot.”
Jon: “Well, you were holding it like a gun and making ‘pow-pow’ noises… As for the shortening of my answers, I make no promises.”
Cadiz: “Fine, but don’t be surprised when none of your readers stick around long enough to finish the interview.
Moving on and sticking with the money theme, it’s been well documented that you have little shame and a surprisingly low price when it comes to being bought. It says here that you once shaved your left leg for a quarter. Is that true?”
Jon: “That is true, in so far that it cannot be disproven, but it should be noted that where I used to work, a quarter could buy you a six pack of Oreo cookies. Was that your question? I feel like you weren’t really trying if it was.”
Cadiz: “No, that was not my question, I just wanted to confirm that information before asking you What’s the one food that no amount of money or guilt could coax you into putting in your mouth?”
Jon: “There’s a huge loophole in that question, so I’ll settle this by saying that for $5, I’ll put pretty much put any edible food in my mouth, provided that it’s not still alive. If you want me to actually chew and swallow it, that’s an extra $50,000. I don’t think that’s unreasonable. Is that short enough for you?”
Cadiz: “That’s much better, yes.”
Jon: “Oh, one last thing, I need to see that cash up front before the food goes in my mouth. I’ve been burned too many times by the promise of a crisp $5 bill only to be left with a mouth full of chili peppers and an empty pocket. And if it’s at all possible, when you decide to drop the 50k on making me eat something, I’d prefer it if the cash were in a briefcase. And not some cheap briefcase made out of low grade plastic. Those things fall apart so fast it’s not even funny. There’s no guarantee that I’m going to be able to deposit the money right away, so I’ll need a case that can last as much as 16 months in the harsh conditions of the Congo. I’d prefer a briefcase with a lock on it, but that’s not a requirement. No gym bags full of money either. It’s not a deal breaker, but it’s kind of in poor taste for you to show up with a smelly gym bag. Hope that helps clear things up.”
Cadiz: “Oh, some things have been made quite clear indeed. I’m moving on to the next question now, so if you have anything else mundane and uninteresting to add about what kind of lining you prefer in those briefcases, you can forget it.
The topic of genetic engineering has been pretty hot in the news lately. Given that your parents decided to keep you instead of giving you up for adoption, you have a good understanding of your biological parents. With that in mind, I’m sure your fans would love to know What trait from one/both of your parents do you wish you had inherited/absorbed?”
Jon: “To be honest with you, I think you needed to ask me this question about a decade ago, but since that’s not possible… that’s not possible, is it?”
Cadiz: “No, that’s not possible.” (rolls eyes)
Jon: “Right, since that’s not possible, I’ll have to tell you the truth. The truth is that I am the perfect combination of both my parents. I have systematically accumulated all of the good parts from both of them and weeded out all the bad. It’ taken almost 30 years, but now, as I approach my 30th birthday, I feel that I have achieved perfection in the art of combining both my parents good qualities into the one me. I have three sisters, and none of them even came close to getting it right. They’re all extreme caricatures of my parents compared to me.”
Cadiz: “Your not at all worried that you might just have offended any of them?”
Jon: “No, I’m not really worried about that. Chances are they won’t even read this. Next question please.”
Cadiz: “I get the feeling you’re not very popular amongst your family members.”
Jon: “You’d be wrong. Recent polls have me #1 overall in both the brother and son categories. So much for that theory.”
Cadiz: “Let’s just finish this interview, ok?”
Jon: “You got it!”
Cadiz: “Little is known about your musical taste other than some ridiculous notion that only the sound of the lead singers voice is what matters to you. You have, however, taking great pains to mention as frequently as possible that you grew up in California. Can you tell us Which band/song best represents your personal experience of living in California?”
Jon: “That is an excellent and extremely difficult question to answer.* I’m inclined to go with a song or a band that I love, like Rancid or RCPM, but I can’t really say that either of those bands captures the essence of my feelings about California living. I think the closest I can come is to combine Buck-O-Nine’s “My Town” with Less Than Jake’s “Look What Happened.” I’m pretty sure everyone here is intimately familiar with both of those tracks but just in case there are one or two people that are uninformed, “My Town” is about loving your home town and “Look What Happened” is a song about being sick of your home town and promising that you’ll be getting out soon. I’m somewhere in there. Sometimes I absolutely love where I am and I never want to leave, and sometimes I feel stale and sick of it all and just want to leave it behind. By the way, I don’t own much else by Buck-O-Nine, but LTJ pops up ‘randomly’ about every 5 or six songs on my iPod, if that means anything to you.”
Cadiz: “It means you either have a lot of songs by Less Than Jake on your iPod or you don’t really have much of a music collection.”
Jon: “There’s about 1000 songs on my iPod, and yes, it’s and iPod, not just an MP3 player that I call an iPod because I don’t know the difference between the two.”
Cadiz: “Glad we got that cleared up. We’re finally coming down the home stretch with our final question of this already too long and painful interview. As we all know, there isn’t much to choose from in the way of accomplishments in your life so far, but if we could be so bold as to ask you to pick one of the big three accomplishments so far, What’s the one thing you’ve accomplished in your life so far that you’ll use as an example when lecturing your future children/nieces/nephews/neighbor kids?”
Jon: “That’s an easy one. If I teach my children/nieces/nephews/neighbor kids only one thing, it would be to avoid driving through the states of Utah and New Jersey. Nothing good can come from traversing either of those states in a car, truck, van, van conversion, RV, mini van or motorcycle. The only possible exception would be in a bulldozer, but I won’t go into that now. Suffice to say that making the choice to drive through either of those states in a motored vehicle is the equivalent of saying you don’t give a damn about living or dying but that you are most definitely leaning towards dying.”
Cadiz: “Well, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but I’m actually very tired right now, so I don’t have the energy or the desire to drag this out any longer. Thank you for joining us today and we hope you’ve found this informative and entertaining. I’m going to go take a nap now, that’s how exciting I thought it was. Good day.”
End Transcript
Pretty good stuff, right? Yeah, I’ve been told that I have a gift for interviewing. It probably won’t be long before I make the rounds on the late night talk show circuit. I hear they’re always looking for good interviewees. I’m just getting warmed up for next month. You can expect a post of about this length every day in November. Try not to get too excited.
*The real reason this interview took so long is because of this question. I had to listen to every song in my collection and then some before I could be sure about my answer.
