Napkins Please?

Can we just take a moment here to dissect my eating habits? I’m going to make one of those lists now. One of those, “who the crap cares what you ate today, guess what I ate? It’s unbelievable what I survive on compared to what you ate.” Lists. Undaunted, I carry on.

1. 2 oz bag of Cheez-its followed by a Snickers bar and then washed down with a bottle of Lemon Gatorade. Time: 9:42 AM
2. 1 burrito Supreme with no lettuce followed by 1 soft taco, also with no lettuce but with hot sauce from Taco Bell (although really, is that hot sauce from Taco Bell really that hot? I don’t think so. I’d call it more of a low grade mild at best.) and then washed down with a bottle of Orange Gatorade. Time: 3:06 PM
3. Some cookies??? I don’t remember. I think I took a nap, but I’m not sure. Time: ???? If this alleged event did happen, it happened some time around 8:00 PM, but again, there’s no evidence to suggest one way or the other that this actually did happen. I might be confusing today with yesterday, or possibly even tomorrow. I’m extremely fuzzy on the details.

So that’s the list. It’s after 11 PM right now and I’m debating whether or not to go to Jack In the Box to order a Big cheeseburger with a regular order of Stuffed Jalapenos (3) which will be washed down with a bottle of Raspberry Lemonade Gatorade OR stay home, nuke a Ham and Cheese Hot Pocket followed by some Chewy Chips Ahoy chocolate chip cookies (also nuked), then washed down with a bottle of Raspberry Lemonade Gatorade.

By now I’m sure you can probably see my problem. Am I too much of a health nut? The last thing I want is to be made fun of for keeping such a healthy lifestyle. But at the same time, eating well and treating my body like a temple is very important to me. I mean, I’ve been this way for so long now, I think it would be almost impossible for me to stop anyway. Why does society have to ridicule those of us with a sensible diet? It’s just not fair!

Obviously, I feel the most pressure from my family and peers to give in and eat more salads, but the random strangers that pass by me during my meal times (which never ceases to amaze me because I eat all of my meals at my desk. You wouldn’t think there would be a lot of foot traffic there, but you would be more wrong about that than probably anything you’ve ever been wrong about before in the past decade. I say the past decade because I don’t really know for sure what your life has been like and I do know that anything that happened between 1980 and 1996 was absolutely freaking nuts, so I can only safely argue that you’re more wrong now than in the past ten years.) really lay it on thick too. They say things to me like, “That looks good, but have you ever tried a salad?” or, “Taco Bell, one of my favorites. You know what else I like? The salads they have over at TGI Fridays. They’re pretty good. You should check them out some time.” I mean, for the love of the A-Team, how is a guy supposed to stand up to that kind of pressure? It takes less pressure to make a diamond out of coal. I just want to tell those people to go listen to Hootie and the Blowfish. I know I shouldn’t, but sometimes I can’t help it. You push a guy into a corner and he’s liable to lash out. I’m just saying you should know with whom you’re messing before you start telling him how to live his life by trying to manipulate his eating habits.

Hmmm… this ended abruptly…