Ma’am? Excuse me? Ma’am?

Hey there, sorry about the delay in the post, but I was out of town for new years. Hope everyone had a good time, I know I did. Plus, my internet was not officially turned on until yesterday. I’d like to thank Cadiz in particular for being so patient with me.

With regards to my recent trip, it went quite well. Spectacular even. And while I could write in upwards of 32,489,654,816,168 pages on just how well it went, I will instead choose to focus on just the tail end of the trip. The flight home to be more specific.

As my trip ended, (always a regrettable moment, however this time even more so as I enjoyed the company I was with immensely) the usual request was made of me to have a safe flight. I said that I would and I am a man of my word. This is not a new request to me by any means, so I knew exactly how to act. In my 28 years of life, I’ve flown several dozen times and each time my safety is requested, I comply. Never once have I scurried under the plane to cut some cables or rip out some wires prior to takeoff. I’ve never attacked the pilot in mid flight by throwing steaming hot coffee in his eyes. I’ve also never set off an EMP (Electro- Magnetic Pulse) while in the air, consequently knocking out all the navigational and electrical equipment on the plane, thus rendering it dead in the air with no time to recover. And I’ve never eaten the food on the plane, because any or all of those activities would then make it an unsafe flight. Like I said, I am a man of my word.

***Side Note***

A lot of people will try and tell you some nonsense about how you need to be at the airport at least 2 hours before your plane takes off. I’m not sure who started this rumor, but I’m pretty sure they have strong ties to Hitler and the Teletubbies. Ladies and Gentleman, I am here to tell you that nothing could be further from the truth. Heck, you don’t even need to be AWAKE 2 hours before your flight takes off. If you think you need to be there more than 10 minutes before your flight is scheduled to leave, I’m here to tell you that you’re dead wrong. Of course, the 10 minute rule only applies to big airports. If you’re heading to a smaller airport, plan on getting there only one or two minutes ahead of your departure time. You shouldn’t need more than that, trust me.

***End Side Note***

When I boarded the plane, something didn’t feel right. The only seats available were at the back of the plane.

***Side Note***

Anyone that thinks open seating on Southwest Airlines is a great idea obviously doesn’t know what it’s like to be indecisive. Talk about a nightmare. Having half the passengers wandering around trying to decide if they want a window or isle, front or back, near the bathroom or far away, is not a good thing. When you book your ticket, they should have a little box for you to check if you are indecisive or not. That way, those people can waste their time on the website deciding if they are indecisive or not, not on the plane. If they check that box, then they get an assigned seat, if not, they can chose their own. Also if they check that box, when they check in at the counter, they can also be given a yellow paper crown that says, “I am not capable of making simple decisions quickly or easily,” to wear on their heads to help the rest of us out. I think on the whole, it would improve plane morale.

***End Side Note***

As I walked to the back of the plane, I started to notice that approximately 95% of the passengers currently seated on the aircraft were all children under 2 years of age. The remaining passengers all suffered from ACD (Adult Crying Disorder). I thought to myself, “this isn’t going to be a pleasant flight.”

I was not mistaken in my prediction. For nearly 4 straight hours one passenger in particular was whaling away relentlessly. He was 37 years old and apparently he missed his dog Scooter. Scooter was two rows up trying desperately to look like he didn’t know who the guy was. It was not the most pleasant flight I’ve ever had, but it didn’t crash, so I can’t call it the worst either.

But that’s still not as bad as that one time… begin flashback…

Getting a ride to and from the airport is never an easy thing. So I opted out of that this time around and instead chose to park in long term parking just a few miles away. They run a free (or so I thought) shuttle to and from the parking lot, so I happily waited for the next one to make its trip through the airport loop. I happened to be in the first Terminal, so when the shuttle arrived, it was almost completely empty. What luck I thought. (often in these situations you can look back and see where the exactly things went wrong. For me, it was shortly after I thought I was going to have the shuttle to myself.) Then the shuttle stopped at the other 6 terminals. It did not fill up slowly, no, it became jam packed almost instantly. It seems as though I was traveling on a less reputable airline, thus there were not many passengers to pick up at first. I don’t know if it was fate, or karma, or just random happenstance, but a fairly large woman who was clearly twice my age wound up next to me. This woman seemed to have a need for her cell phone every 30 seconds. She would go into her purse to get it… wait, let me back up. First she would reach down and miss her purse, then she would correct herself, go into her purse and then grab the phone for a second, only to put it right back. Each time she did this, I would look straight at her, but she kept her eyes down and refused to look at me. Around the 4th or 5^th time, I had to say something. I never imagined myself in this situation, and no matter how unnatural the words felt coming out of my mouth, they were never the less, entirely necessary. I said to her, “Ma’am? Excuse me? Ma’am? Ma’am, that’s my penis.” She still refused to look me in the eye or even acknowledge me at all. I have one rule about touching my penis! If you’re going to do it, you better damn well have the decency to look me in the eye when you do. Under the right circumstances, it can be a fun and enjoyable activity for all, but if it’s done improperly, it leaves both parties feeling cheap and used.

I was only on the bus for 20 minutes, but it felt more like 27 minutes with the molestation factor. But hey, who doesn’t want to end a nice vacation like that?

So to recap, I’m back from vacation, I have the internet again, I flew with some crying babies and I was reminded of the time I was molested by an old lady. Wow… this post really could have been a lot shorter…