Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Some people have pet rocks…

I have pet peeves. Yes, it’s true. Sometimes people do things that irk me. These things involve not washing your hands after you go to the bathroom, using florescent green ink to write notes, eating your slice of pizza directly over the rest of the, as yet uneaten, pizza, purchasing vowels and NBA officiating. But one of the worst offenders in my giant book of pet peeves is the vanity license plate. They’re not so bad when you can understand what they are trying to communicate through clever uses of the numbers 2,4 and 8, but sometimes, it’s an inside joke that only two people in the world know about. I will lose sleep over not knowing what it means, and I consider this a travesty.

This pet peeve also includes the license plate holder. I’ve accepted that many people in this world think that “Get in, Hold on and Shut up” is as clever as it gets. And of course there’s the ever popular, “Driver carries no cash, wife has it all.” I once saw that on the back of a rusted out ’78 Datsun. What was left of the paint job was irreversibly sun damaged, none of the hub caps matched and use of duct tape repair was rampant (I, of course, had the highest respect for this man knowing that he was keeping his vehicle up to code with a liberal use of duct tape.). I’ll bet that guy was getting held up at gun point by various gang members all the time and he had no choice but to protect himself in the only way he knew how, with a license plate holder.

One of the negative things about commuting 45 miles each way to work everyday is that I invariably encounter said license plates and license plate holders. Today, much to my chagrin, was no exception. It was a double whammy, and that’s saying a lot because every day when I get in my car, I say, “No whammies, no whammies” several dozen times in the hopes of avoiding any and all whammies, and wouldn’t you know it, I get a double whammy! What are the odds? 15,321,246,986,511,216,987,413,151 to 1,356,998. Strange odds I know, but seriously, who’s betting on that kind of stuff? Soccer moms and out of work chimpanzee actors, that’s who. I’ve seen them at the local dive bars, arguing with their bookies and it's not a pretty sight. (what was I doing at those local dive bars? That’s none of your damn business and I’d appreciate it if you’d keep your nosey little face out of my affairs!)

So I’m driving to work, and as usual, things start to slow down to the break neck pace of 15 mph. I suppose that’s fast if you’re on foot, but in this modern age, it just doesn’t do it for me. I’ve got 150 horses under the hood, and if you think they like to be corralled into a 15 mph pace, you’re dead wrong. They are wild horse and they like to run free. Unfortunately, the corralling that takes place means that the likely hood of me being annoyed by someone else’s license plate/ holder are increased by approximately 1,000,000,000,000,000%. Trust me on that one, I did the math, and that’s the increase. I triple checked it and had 4 unbiased mathematicians from 4 different, neutral countries verify my findings, and even though there was some grumbling about how bad the craft service table was, all of the mathematicians agreed with my findings.

Once the crawl had set in, it was only moments before I saw what would be the bane of my existence for the day. There they were on my right, a small, late model midnight blue BMW. My eyes were seemingly drawn to the license plate holder. I don’t know why, probably because irony knows no bounds. I read the license plat holder, knowing full well that nothing good would come of it. This is what it said, “Walk like it’s for sale and like the rent is due tomorrow.” Now I admit, from time to time, I make stuff up. Occasionally, my posts will be somewhat fictional in their content. This however, is no such post. I cannot for the life of me figure out what this piece of nonsense is supposed to mean. I will lose sleep over this. I will curse the existence of license plate holders and I will very likely run that person off the road should our paths ever cross again. Sure, maybe that’s a little harsh, but at this point, the rent is due and they are pretending to sell something. I don’t know if they are tight on money, I don’t know if it’s an apartment, a condo, or a house and I’m not sure if there are any homeowners association fees due. The license plate holder gave me no indication of that. If anyone has any knowledge on this topic that they are legally allowed to share, please feel free to do so in the comments.

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Most Honest Post to Date

Here’s a little known fact about me, I sneeze approximately 1,329 times a day. I’ve tried everything from saying to myself, “self, do not sneeze today” to writing on a chalkboard, “I will not sneeze today” several dozen times. None of those seemingly bullet proof solutions have ever been able to suppress my amazing urges to sneeze though.

It’s gotten to the point where I’ve had to hire two retired mall security officers to carry around a mobile sneeze guard and hold it in front of me wherever I go. The Mall Pigs, as I like to call them, (seriously, it’s a term of endearment…) and I can often be seen walking around town, taking in some fresh air. Awhile back I had an automated system that was mounted on a giant backpack. It was a circular guard that would rotate every 5 minutes. As the shield passed through the backpack, it would be washed off, thus ensuring that I had a newly cleaned sneeze guard every 5 minutes (kind of like the protective shields they have on the tv cameras mounted on Indy cars.). While I loved the automated system, as I am a gadget freak, I missed the human touch. I like having officer Dukowski and officer Schmidt at my sides for every day conversation. I keep the automated sneeze guard in my car though, in case one or both of them call in sick. (for those of you that are dying to know, and I’m sure there’s at least one or two of you out there, officers D. and S. have a squeegee system worked out where in they alternate cleaning off the old fashioned portable sneeze guard. I do not envy them, but they rarely complain about it.)

This brings me to my next topic. All to often, people like to point out to me that when you sneeze, apparently you can’t keep your eyes open. This is false. I can absolutely keep my eyes open while I sneeze. Not only do I have photographic evidence of me in mid sneeze, eyes wide open, but I challenge anyone to stand directly in front of me whilst I sneeze and see if I close my eyes. What 99.95687% of the people I encounter don’t realize when they tell me this is that I have a stamped certificate from my optometrist. It has been notarized by a state representative and states that I possess “Superior Ocular Control.” Or SOC as it’s known in the optometry world. It’s not surprising that they don’t know this Because to my knowledge, I am the only person in the state of California that qualifies for such a prestigious award. I’m not shy about presenting it to them either. When question, I can often be heard explaining to the individual that I have SOC.

I will answer the obvious question now. No, I do not keep my eyes open every time I sneeze. While I do possess this rare ability, I choose not to do it unless called out on a challenge. The reason for this is that the only known side effect of not closing my eyes while I sneeze is that all of my eyebrow hairs fall out. Again, if challenged, I will not back down, but I prefer to keep my eyebrows. While everyone agrees that I don’t look any worse without eyebrows, as a matter of personal preference, I like to have them there. When I put on the prosthetics, everyone can tell and it’s just sad. “Nobody’s eyebrows are that perfect!” people will say. They are right; no one person has eyebrows as magnificent as my little eyebrow toupees. But the three hours it takes every morning to get them to look that way just isn’t worth it for me. Sure, having remarkably perfect eyebrows is nice, but the cost in time is to high. Bear in mind that I have many things to accomplish through out the day and to lose 5 hours to the eyebrows (three to apply, two to remove) is just too much.

While I can see how many people might think that all this sneezing would be a bit of a curse, allow me to enlighten you to one of the many perks it offers. A study was recently conducted by the National Association of Sneezing And Loitering (N.A.S.A.L. for short.) wherein it was determined that given the high totals in everyday sneezing produced by me, (I was second overall in the world. First place when to some Norwegian named Thor. He sneezes an average of 1,700 times a day. I rarely break 1,500 on a good day.) I am the most blessed individual on the face of the planet. (Turns out Thor, the first place guy, is kind of a jerk, so people rarely bless him. He’s actually ranked as the 5,631,326,215 most blessed individual in the world, if that’s any indication of how big of a jerk he is.)

Ahhh… another post in the books. Feels awkwardly unsatisfying, doesn’t it? Don’t worry, maybe next time I’ll post about something that makes sense… maybe not. Hot damn I’m unpredictable!!

Monday, November 14, 2005

New Post Eve

Is everyone excited?

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

October 31, 1977

Four Forty P.M.

The moment my life started,

Not when it began.