Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Coming Undone

Back in early January, I had a problem. To be more specific, I had a problem with my pants. Let me crank it yet another, seemingly uncrankable notch and say that I had a problem with the belt that holds my pants up. In what will soon be considered the most specific instance in the history of the Shuck N Jive, let me also state that it was the belt buckle itself that broke. In the past 29 years, I’ve been paying close attention to the social morays of my hometown as it compares to those of all the other places I’ve visited. And while many things vary, one thing remains fairly constant amongst the pants wearing sects (and they are a plenty): It is paramount that those pants stay up around the waist. (I use the term waist loosely because I’m no longer sure where it is on the human body. It’s somewhere below the armpit and above the knee, but that’s all I’ve got so far. I’ll continue to monitor the situation and keep you updated on any knew findings I may have.)

That’s where my belt comes into play. While not every pair of pants that I own require the use of my belt, some do, and some really do. With the aid of my belt, I can wear anything from a 31 to a 34 inch waist comfortably. Most of the time I try on these pants to make sure they fit, but every once in awhile I like to live dangerously and just buy them based on what the manufacturer says the waist size is. As some of you may know, I’ve been in the habit of bedazzling my clothes for some time now. I recently purchased a pair of pants with the specific intent of breaking the Guinness World Record for sequins on a single pair of pants. (The current record at the time was (and notice that I’m using the term “was”) 1,236,215. I tripled it. But in order to create such a beautiful masterpiece, I needed to make sure I had a little extra room, so I bought some size 82 extra long jeans. I REALLY need the belt when I wear those. Particularly when I go clubbing. Most bouncers, while they respect my pants, will not allow me to let them just sag there around my ankles. This doesn’t go completely against what I believe, so the majority of the time, I try to accommodate.

I’ve grown accustom to wearing my belt. We’ve been through a lot together. When my belt buckle broke in early January, I felt like a part of me broke with it. And before I continue, let me just clarify that it did not break because I have gained an unfathomable amount of weight in the past couple of months. I think it had something to do with a rupture in the space time continuum, or possibly it was just old. At any rate, I’ve clarified, you are no longer unclear.

I’m not one to just let broken things sit there and be broken. No, I like to fix broken things. (As an unnecessary side note, I also like to fix unbroken things too. My motto is, “You gotta break it to learn how to fix it! But sometimes, when it won’t break, you can try to pretend that it is and fix it betterer anyway!” It doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue, but I don’t come up with mottos professionally, so I think you should get off my back.) I’ve been fixing things for years, and in my many years of fixing, there’s one thing you can count on to put things back together: Duct Tape. In this situation, it was pretty much a no brainer. Duct Tape was the most obvious choice for repair. I used a special wrapping technique I learned in the Philippines in the mid eighties. It only took three rolls of duct tape before I had it back up to factory standards.

I’m going to be honest with you, I was pretty pleased with the end result. I wore it out proudly. In fact, I went so far as to put on a belly shirt just to make sure everyone could see the belt in all it’s duct tapped glory. I was going along pretty smoothly until around noon, when it was time for my first bathroom break. I consider all of my readers to be of above average intelligence, so I’m pretty sure you can see where the problem is. Duct tape is pretty much a one use item. It doesn’t re-tape all that well. So what I discovered is that each time I make a restroom stop, I’d have to re-tape after I was finished. At 3 rolls per re-tape, and an average of 4 “pit stops” per day, I’d have to keep a minimum of 12 rolls of duct tape on my person at all times. And to make matters worse, I recently started drinking approximately 3 gallons of water a day. I’ve been making several extra trips per day now, bringing the minimum number of tape rolls up to 36. 36 rolls of duct tape can be a bit cumbersome.

I was three clicks away from ordering a well trained mountain goat online to carry around my extra rolls of duct tape when my girlfriend, who is much smarter than I’ll ever be, showed me a way to fix it using just a paper clip. Zero duct tape, just one, small paperclip. I’ve been happily buckling ever since.

You are jealous of my sweet belt buckle, and you don't even know why.
Last thing, if anyone is interested, I know exactly where you can get 3 tons of lichens on the cheap. And the sooner you want it, the better.


omar said...

I want to believe you're joking, with regard to the belly shirt. I really do.

The sequined pants, that's nothing. Who doesn't have sequined pants? But belly shirts?

cadiz12 said...

when you're hauling around all that bedazzled hardware on 82-foot-long jeans, i can see why having a functioning belt would be imperative.

paper-clip or not, why don't you just get a new belt? maybe a "bejeweled" one, even?

Radioactive Jam said...

Sir I am interesteds in the lichens please descript and the tons refer to metric id est tonnes or another frame of tons for if I am indeed to acquire the lichens I must negotiate first the proper transport size vehicle for to plainly speak a truck

If you are therefore willing to transfer 83,000,000 dollars US into your secure bank of account I will as earnest proffer 12.5 percent of total balance to you for your manifold troubles and consideration

And of course the lichens should they prove accepted

Your kind regards
Most Hon. Igthus Parmesan
Solicitor Esquer

Syar said...

You've just replaced Glo as my new motto of the month muse.

Jon said...

Omar: There are many things I want to believe, but sometimes they just aren’t true. Several of my friends were out at the club with me the other night, I’ll see if any have some pictures for your viewing pleasure.

Cadiz: Yes, the belt is a necessity with all that extra weight, however, a new belt just doesn’t make sense when the old one works so well and has so many great memories attached to it… like the time we slid down that cable from the roof just before the building exploded… good times!

Jam: Approved. Lichens are on the way.

Syar: I’m not going to lie to you, I take motto of the month very seriously. This month, expect to see a lot of mottos involving the use of various vegetable-made garments. That’s a promise from me to you.