History Lesson

What is the definition of Greek tragedy? While no one person could ever completely and accurately answer that question, one thing is sure: I will try to do so with a series of pretty terrible drawings.

Most of these pictures speak for themselves and the ones that don't you can bet will be elaborated on by yours truly.

What follows is an entirely accurate and truthful tale of a truly true story about what happened to me this morning. Some of it may be made up, but that is only to protect the guilty.



This is how my day started. Almost every day starts with jazz hands. It's how I mentally prepare in case the morning commute turns into a dance number. I like to be loose and I don't know of a better way to do that than with jazz hands. I also have a marble plaque cemented into my bathroom floor that says "Noble Jon" so I never forget where I came from. I never want to slip back into that painful place in my life again. I also make loud bellowing declarations in case it's not just a dance number, but a song as well.



As you can see, putting on deodorant is pretty important to me. It also makes me smile. That plays an important part on the tragedy of the next drawing. Please take a moment to prepare yourself for the atrocity to follow...



I'm not going to lie to you. I knew going into the deodorant application phase of my day that this could happen. I use a clear stick type deodorant ( the brand of which will go unnamed until they pay for their product placement) and when it gets down to the end, it often falls out or goes all crooked. A design flaw that nobody seems willing to address. But I digress. I guess what I'm trying to say is, this could have been avoided if the deodorant gods didn't have it in for me.



When I realize something is both Greek and tragic, I say it out loud. Doesn't everyone?



Try not to look at this picture for too long or you may end up crying yourself. It'll happen, trust me. I wouldn't even show you this if I didn't want a life like depiction of the raw emotion I felt this morning.



The end result was that I had to use a differently scented deodorant to finish the job this morning. As you can see above, it didn't go over well. The general public can be very cruel when they put their collective minds to it.

I hope you can all learn from my mistakes.

-- Posted From My iPhone. For a list of all product placement fees, email my assistant at jonsassistantnoreallynotjustanaddressjonmadeuphimselftomakeitlooklikehehasanassistant@gmail.com.

What if?

A little while back, I twittedededed that my body was not leaking from anywhere and that that was a good thing. That was an entirely factual statement. It has not changed. My body is still leak free. But what if the circumstances were different? What if I WAS leaking? What would that be like? Today we're going to play a game of, "what if?" I should warn you, the image below is intensely graphic and not suitable for children over the age of 3.



As you can plainly see, I am leaking from my elbow. The above artist's rendering is in HD, so you know that it is stunningly accurate. That's what HD means.

A thorough inspection of this picture reveals significant details about what my life would be like with a leaking elbow. For instance, you may have noticed that I am smiling. This is important because it shows that a L.E.L. (Leaky Elbow Life) is not a painful thing. Further more, I must not be expected to clean up the elbow fluid myself and it must not be ruining my clothes. If any of those things were true, I can assure you that I would not be smiling.

Another notable observation is the lack of facial hair. Not only are my beard and mustache absent, but I seem to have removed my eyebrows as well. Couple those facts with the additional hair on top of my head and we can only assume that I felt the need for extensions and wanted to use my own, natural hair. This is most likely because I thought the leaky elbow made me look like I was balding. In an attempt to look younger, I added my facial hair as extensions and went with a messy looking hair style that is all the rage with the kids today. I'll be honest, I think it's working.

Finally, let's take a look at that puddle of elbow fluid developing around my feet. It's a fairly substantial amount of fluid, so we can draw a couple of conclusions here. Either the Lakers are on the verge of winning another championship and superstition precludes me from moving or changing position, or the flow rate of elbow fluid is abnormally high, creating E.F. puddles around me everywhere I go. I'd like to think it's the former rather than the latter because if it's the latter, I probably won't get invited to many guitar hero parties and that would make me sad.

I hope I've answered all of your questions concerning a world wherein my body leaks from my elbow. If for some unthinkable reason I haven't, you know where to place you queries.

-- Posted From My iPhone, which is also completely leak free.

Clarification/ update

I'm not sure why, but that last picture seems to be unpopular. I can assure you that it is, in fact, chapstick on my lips, not frosting. I wouldn't be able to leave frosting on my lips long enough to take a picture, let alone the 38 I did take to get the right one for the post.

I have prepared a very thorough illustration to explain what happened to create the scenario which seems to be causing nightmares among children ages 23 to 78.




I hope that clears things up.

If further clarification is required, I'm sure you'll let me know. Be warned though, an equally impressive illustration like the one above will be used to explain why I use illustrations to explain things.

-- Posted From My iPhone. Illustrations brought to you courtesy of my girlfriends wacom graphics tablet. All typos are subject to copyright and are totally intentional.

C. A.

Hello, my name is Jon and I'm addicted to chapstick.




Discuss.

And for those that were not aware, this Boston/ Chicago series is freaking AMAZING!!

-- Posted From My iPhone. Do they sell chapstick in bulk?

A very necessary list

Below, you will find a list of thing I am not afraid of, but would be if I were a cat. I'm going to count them down in order of fear. I'm sure you'll find this list to be very enlightening. It should also give you some good insight to the current state of my mind.

7. Escalators.
- This is definitely a cat fear. However, it isn't something they are likely to encounter very often unless they either live in a super fancy house, or are one of those creepy cats that is led around on a leash by its equally creepy owner.

6. The Ocean.
- Ever see a sail boat crew made up entirely of cats? Yeah, I didn't think so.

5. Kids Dribbling Basketballs.
- How many times have you seen a pack of cats minding their own business on the basketball courts at the park only to have a group of kids ruin an otherwise nice day of BBQ-ing (Blacktop-Basketball-Qourt-loungING*) by dribbling their basketballs all over the court? Worse yet, the kids don't even play basketball. They just mumble some nonsense about working on dribbling fundamentals.

4. Radio-Controlled, Cat-Catching Robots.
- Pretty self explanatory.

3. Cat Leukemia.
- Who among us doesn't fear cancer? Cats are no different.

2. Ensemble Casts.
- to be fair, this high ranking comes from a decades old misunderstanding that cats have of the word "casts." When said quickly, as this phrase often is, cats don't hear the word "casts," they hear the word "cats." For whatever reason, cats tend to imagine a Voltron like creature comprised of several cats joining together as one, immensely powerful cat. This is something cats find utterly terrifying.

1. The Number 10.
- Turns out, most cats we interviewed were already on their 9th life. 10 is considered to be the most unlucky number world wide by cats of all types. In Colombia, the drug cartel cats mark the houses of those they intend to kill with a red 10. In the state of Texas, a cat motorcycle gang known as "The Death Tabbies," show their loyalty by getting the number 10 tattooed on their foreheads. Kittens are taught to fear the number 10 from birth by having their mothers follow every ninth cleaning lick with a hard bite to the ear. It's harsh, but effective.

Well, that about wraps it up. Just to clarify, I am not, nor have I ever been, afraid of any of the aforementioned things.

Ok, bye.

*Cats are notoriously bad spellers and even worse at coming up with good acronyms.


-- Posted From My iPhone, so you know it's factually accurate.

Clarification post

There seems to be some serious confusion regarding my wearing all pink as a terrible idea. I was not merely suggesting that I wear a pink shirt. I said ALL pink. That means pink shoes, pink socks, pink pants, pink underwear, pink shirt, pink gloves, pink hat, pink cape, pink spats, pink glasses, pink face paint, pink tie and a pink pinky ring. All pink. What say you now?

Just a pink shirt is easy. I've done that before. One comment references an outfit I wore every Monday night for over a year. See below.



As you can plainly see, whether the shirt itself proclaims its own toughness or not is irrelevant. I wear it tough, and that's all that should matter. The name of our bowling team was "Bowling With Scissors." If that isn't the very definition of dangerously tough bowlers, I don't know what is.

I hope that helps clarify thing for you. Trust me, all pink is a terrible idea. Me dressed as pictured above is tough.

-- Posted From My iPhone. Tough enough for you? Enjoy the spelling errors courtesy my iPhone.

Terrible Idea

For me, life is a constant struggle not to make terrible decisions created by my own terrible ideas.  Here are some examples from today:

Terrible Idea:  Wear all pink today.

Terrible Decision:  Averted.  I ended up not wearing any pink today, but that decision really had nothing to do with my own common sense and almost everything to do with not having a single pink item of clothing in my wardrobe. 

Terrible Idea:  Remind all of the Cubs fans I work with that I'm a Dodgers fan and we totally destroyed them in the playoffs last year.

Terrible Decision:  Averted (Temporarily).  It's way too close to St. Patrick's Day to be tossing that kind of smack talk around.  I'm pretty dumb, but even I know better than to remind Cubbie fans just how cursed their team is.  I'll wait until September to do that.

Terrible Idea:  Try to post more often.

Terrible Decision:  The jury is out.

Terrible Idea:  Make shirts that say, "Punch me, in the face, I'm a jerk."

Terrible Decision:  See below.

As you can see, I went ahead and followed through with this one.  I see these more as a gift you would give to someone else rather than something you would buy for yourself.  Most likely, these will be given to illiterate people that you don't like.  I'm not really sure there's a market for this, but that obviously didn't stop me.  I added the commas for a little extra emphasis on the overall statement I want these shirts to make.  I'd like to encourage everyone to click on the shirt, buy several dozen (they're cheaper when you buy in bulk, and lets face it, you're probably going to want to hand these out to a lot of people.  Am I right?), tell all of your friends, and let's get to face-punching jerks ASAP. 

Not that any of you were wondering, but the Government has yet to purchase a single shirt regarding the bailout.  I'm pretty shocked by this.  I only mention it because I don't want anyone to get upset that they haven't yet received their official 2009 Bailout T-Shirt.  

Dear lurkers,

If I promised to post twice a week, every week on a permanent basis, would you stop lurking and start commenting?


-- Posted From My iPhone. Which I could do more often if I felt there was a need for it.

My economic stimulus plan

I think we've all heard about the economic stimulus plan by now.  It's a lot of money, there's no question about that.  From what I can tell, most people feel like they are giving away their future money to people that are already rich without having anything to show for it.  Well, I have a solution.  T-Shirts*.  I propose that the US Government purchase the following t-shirts to send out to all tax paying citizens.

For as little as 1.6 billion dollars, the US Government can purchase enough shirts for all of the country's tax payers.  Considering the numbers they've been throwing around, that's really not too much to ask, a drop in the bucket really.  Plus, now everyone feels like they're really getting something out of this whole "stimulus" package.  What better way to remember this gigantic economic catastrophe than with a t-shirt?  Years from now we'll all be wearing them with pride as we mow each others lawns for extra cash.

If it ended right there, I think we can all agree that would be pretty sweet, but it doesn't.  I've always considered myself a big picture kind of guy.  I don't look at a puzzle one piece at a time, I look at all of the pieces at the same time, turned face down.  When you look at it that way, you realize that each piece really isn't so different.  You see where I'm going with this?  Yeah, I thought so.

When the government ponies up and buys all those shirts, I'm going to make a small profit.  I'll take the time to remind you that the title of this post is "MY economic stimulus plan."  With that in mind, not only will everyone feel better about where their tax money is going because they'll be getting a shirt, but there will be a giant ripple effect that will reach everyone.  I will make enough of a profit to quit my job.  Guess what that means?  You got it, there's going to be at least one more job opening in this tough economic climate.  You can't argue with those kinds of numbers.  Can you feel the waves?

Not only will I quit my job, but I'll start my own company where I will be hiring people to work with me.  I've already got a list of people I will be hiring and guess what?  They already have jobs right now, so when I hire them away (there will be a 1 million dollar signing bonus, they'd be crazy not to leave their other jobs), that will create even more job openings.  Multiply the number of people I hire by the number of jobs they leave and you'll find that the numbers grow exponentially.  Bigger numbers mean more jobs, am I right?  I will help make some of the biggest numbers out there by multiplying them all together!

I think I've illustrated pretty well how a small 1.6 billion dollar drop can turn into an economic tsunami if it's handled right.  Now it's time for Big G to step up and get this economy moving again by buying my shirts!

*For those of you that think I set up an online store just for this post... well... you know me too well.

Status Update:

It's time for my annual status update. There's a lot going on in this world today and I'm sure you're all wondering how it's affecting me. Please read on and cease wondering.

1. Manny Ramirez. Seriously, why has this guy not been signed by someone? Anyone? You got me.

Sure, he's got a DB for an agent and the market is tough right now, but so what? Other guys have been signing huge contracts without as much justification. (I'm looking at you Mark Teixeira...) I'm obviously biased in this whole thing, so keep that in mind. The Dodgers need to sign Manny and Manny needs to sign with the Dodgers. It's pretty simple. They both make the best fit. Manny seems happy in LA and LA is happy to have Manny. I think Ned has been pretty fair in his offers, so I'm not upset with the organization. I wouldn't want to lock into a long term, expensive contract with him either. I think the idea of guaranteed money is what's really screwing this up. I don't know much about the inner workings of baseball contracts and what not, but that's not going to stop me from thinking I have a fairly reasonable proposal. Manny gets a four year deal that looks something like this:

Year 1: 30 Million guaranteed.
Year 2: 15 Million guaranteed, 10 Million in incentives (don't ask me to break down the incentives because I really have no idea what I'm talking about.)
Year 3: 7.5 Million guaranteed, 17.5 Million in incentives.
Year 4: 7.5 Million guaranteed, 17.5 Million in incentives.

That means that he could potentially be worth 105 Million over the next 4 years if he produces. I'm sure the Dodgers would be happy to pay him that much if he produces, but let's be honest, the guy is 36 (almost 37) years old, these are not supposed to be the years that he gets better. Is he going to be worth a guaranteed 25 million at age 41? I'm guessing no.

2. Michael Phelps. I could not be more sick of hearing this guy apologize. Holy crap, a 23 year old smoked pot at a college party? What is this world coming to? Look, I get it, he's Michael Phelps, phenomenally good swimmer, arguably the worst SNL host ever. I'm just sick of everyone getting up on their soapbox and condemning him like they've never made a mistake in their lives. From what I've heard, you'd think that he was drowning kittens in the blood of unborn babies... I refuse to believe that with all the things going on in this world today, that this could even crack the top 100 for things we should care about.

3. Bud Selig. Get him out and get him out now. I don't think he's good for baseball and his recent comments regarding Alex Rodriguez are almost too much. He's "saddened" by A-Rod's steroid use? Are you kidding me? Anyone that believes he knew nothing about the steroid use in baseball is fooling themselves. I think the Selig era needs to end.

4. My Terrible Fantasy book. Yeah, it's not doing so well. Turns out writing books is hard! I thought just writing a terrible one would be easy, but even that takes work. Even when you ignore stuff like plot, character development, coherence and proper grammar, it's still difficult to write a full chapter, let alone an entire novel. I'm not quiting on this one yet, but I'll be brooding in a corner for awhile...

That about covers it for now. You probably didn't think it would be so sports heavy, but what can I say, pitchers and catchers are reporting... it's time for Dodger baseball!! Of course, Laker basketball is still keeping me quite happy as of late.