I didn't want to sleep tonight anyway...

I just watched a history channel show about Caligula.  I believe this is an accurate representation of what I looked like for the last hour:

And when this show was over, another show about World War II started, but someone didn't want to watch that because it might give her nightmares.  I'll be getting my nightmares directly from Caligula tonight, not WWII.

The one where I lose all of my shame plus some shame of a person I've never met and try to coin the phrase digital beggary

The cold hard reality that I have to live with every day is that I'm not immune to making bad decisions.  I know, I didn't believe it when I first heard it either, but I went to the doctor and he confirmed that I had B-D.I.D.S. (Bad Decision Immune Deficiency Syndrome.)

I might not have made this clear before, but I don't get paid a lot of money.  As such, I really shouldn't even be paying attention to woot when there's a woot-off going on.  I made the mistake of checking in at around 10 am central time.  They had a Dyson cannister vacuum up there for a very attractive price.  The price really doesn't matter though because at this point, no price is really good enough.  Unfortunately, this is one of those rare moments when my iPhone failed me.  See, when it comes to woot, you guessed it, there's an app for that.  I rushed in a little too quickly before really thinking it through, so now I've probably got to unload this thing on eBay.

The thing that sucks the most about this is that we really need a vacuum.  Our vacuum broke awhile back and we've avoided buying a new one because the good ones don't come cheap and there doesn't seem to be much of a point to owning a crappy one that will just break in a few months.

So I've got three options:

1. Get a better job.  (I'm working on that)

2. Spend all of my free time on the street wearing this:

3. Engage in digital beggary by hocking things nobody really wants like this:

If I can just sell a few hundred of these, I should be good.  I recommend buying at least 36 at a time because the price for buying in bulk is way better than for smaller quantities.  Plus, who wants to wash dishes all the time?  Why not have a few dozen mugs that you only have to wash once a month!  Tell all of your friends!  Tell your friends to tell all of their friends!  Let's just make this a big social experiment.  Let's see how many of these babies we can sell!  Who's with me?  Once the vacuum cleaner has been paid for, all remaining proceeds will be divided by two charities:  The Pay the Damn Mortgage Foundation (a personal favorite) and The United Let's Hope We Don't Have To Serve Pizza At Our Wedding Federation (another personal favorite).  So you know it's for a good cause.

The show went on...

but some people's lives might not.  I can't tell you exactly what happened due to a pending lawsuit*, but this evenings performance of The Addams Family had a third act.

I'll let this do the talking for me:

*Nothing happened.  Nothing at all.  Something should have happened, but I guess I'm just not that kind of guy. And by that kind of guy, I mean the kind of guy that commits mukduk.

You get what you ask for...

I'll admit it, I'm running behind.  See, my significant other and I are going to a show tomorrow night.  It's the final installment of her Christmas gift from last year.  The show starts at 7:30.  What with our work schedules and all, we're not going to have much time for dinner, so I'm doing some prep work for that tonight.  With pretty much no time left this evening, I asked my significant other for the first thing that popped into her head.  She said Bob.  So here you go, here's Bob.

Everyone say, "Hi, Bob!"

Also, Bob is not "flipping you off," he's saying, "You're number one!"

Can of worms

I should have seen this coming before I even posted yesterday.  I'm obviously slipping.  After literally thousands and thousands of emails, here is the answer to the questions you've all been asking:

The one where I answer a very specific Ninja related question

Rarely a day goes by where I'm not stopped on the street and asked to explain the difference between Ninja Jon and Non-Ninja Jon.  While I happen to think the differences are pretty obvious, it seems like I'm in the minority. I've drawn up this little chart below to help illustrate the differences.  Perhaps this will finally put an end to all the questions.

The process

What I should have been doing:

What I am doing:

The NBA, it's Faaaaaaantastic!

****UPDATED FOR SYAR*****

If I played professional basketball, I'm pretty sure I would be unstoppable.  You might think that sounds impossible, but let's look at some concrete evidence in the form of a drawing:

I think I've made my point(s). Get it?  See, I've made a pun out of how I'm making a point with my drawing and in the actual game, I'm scoring points.  It's really pretty clever when you think about it.

Remember when...

Remember when being on a swing was pretty much the pinnacle of happiness?  Yeah, me neither, but it was still pretty good.  I could use a little swing action right about now.

Math made possible by my college education

It's a pretty sad day when you realize that you're worth more dead than alive.  If I were to die today and leave all of my organs intact (I am an organ donor), with an average selling price of $13,000.00 per organ (you don't want to know how I know that), I would be worth approximately $117,000.00.  Throw on top of that a modest $1,000,000.00 life insurance policy, and I'm worth a total of $1,117,000.00.  Not too shabby if you ask me.  If you divide that number by the amount of money I make per year right now (which seems highly unlikely to change any time soon), I would have to work another 56 years just to break even.  That puts me at 88 years of age and still working.  It would be nice to live for 88 years, but unfortunately for us white males, the average life span is 70-78 years.  Even if we go on the high end, that still leaves me 10 years, or $200,000.00 short.  When you consider that I'll be working every day of my life, it looks like I'll probably be closer to that 70 year mark, making me about $360,000.00 short.  I can throw in the current debt that I have to make the numbers look even worse, but I think I've proven my point.  In case I haven't though, take a gander at the illustration below and see if that clarifies it for you.

Totally unrelated question: Know anyone in the Chicago area that is hiring?  Or more specifically, do you know anyone that would hire me?