I have always trusted the internet implicitly. It is a wise being that is capable of making important decisions. It has happened upon me once again that I must make a very important decision and I seek the guidance of the omniscient internet.
For quite some time now, I have been growing what is known as a “playoff beard.” It has been pointed out to me that none of my teams are currently in a playoff situation and therefore it is unnecessary for me to have such a beard. I have also been asked on several occasions if I am in some sort of ugly-beard growing contest. I assure you, I am not in any such contest. Unless there is money being awarded to the winner, in which case, I most certainly am in such a contest. Please pay me now.
The decision to keep or shave the beard has proven to be far too much for my mind to bear, so it is with great appreciation that I kindly request the internet to give their opinion on the topic. I’ll give you until Wednesday at midnight, pacific standard time to weigh in, then I’ll either keep or shave the beard based on the general internet consensus in the comments. I’ve got the legal team working on a fair way to assess the comments, but I won’t release the details of “The Rules” until after everyone has commented. Sure, it sounds like I might be manipulating the rules based on the fact that I won’t be releasing them until after votes have been cast, but that’s just the risk you’ll have to take.
I wouldn’t dream of asking your opinion without showing you what you’re voting on, so below, I have given you photographic evidence of exactly what you’re voting on.
As you can see, there are some noticeable drawbacks to the beard. Not the least of which is the fact that I have to stand like that whenever I’m not doing anything else in particular. I’m not posing for a picture by any means, that’s just the way the beard wants me to stand. This has made parties pretty awkward at times. Lots of questions about the creepy guy with the beard. They think I don’t know that they’re talking about me… but I know… oh, I know alright. Also, you may have noticed the “No Grow” zone that extends from the middle of my ear down to just above my jaw. I am incapable of growing sideburns. It has completely torpedoed my career as an Elvis impersonator, and don’t think that doesn’t hurt me. Years of therapy have helped me to go back out in public with out crying uncontrollably, but just below the surface, the sadness remains. Bear that in mind when you place your votes, that’s all I’m saying, although I don’t know why I’m saying it.
As further evidence of how fair and comprehensive I want this vote to be, I’ve included yet another picture of myself without a beard below. This way you don’t have to imagine it. I think this picture is a few months older than the bearded one, but I don’t know the exact date. That’s my older sister behind me. She looks the same with or without the beard, so no need to weigh in on that topic.
Lastly, I’ll also be fielding suggestions on some sort of compromise, be it keeping just a throatee maybe, or perhaps ditching the beard, but continuing work on a waxed up, handlebar mustache. Thanks in advance internet, I look forward to hearing from you.