I’m beginning to wonder if my downstairs neighbor has some form of IBS. The bathrooms were inexplicably designed with no windows, so they all have extremely noisy fans installed in them that turn on when the light is turned on. This means that every time a person uses the bathroom, I know about it. That works in reverse too I assume. To my knowledge, the downstairs neighbor is a single mom with just the one small baby (as opposed to the neighbor across the hall that has 5 gigantic babies. Seriously, these kids are so huge they don’t walk or crawl anywhere, they just roll.). So as far as I know, she is the only person who would be turning the bathroom light on and off. This happens several times a night for fairly lengthy periods of time. Granted, I’m not a woman, but I’ve lived with many, and this behavior is not something I’m familiar with in a healthy adult.
Maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she’s addicted to crack and doesn’t like doing it in front of the baby because, you know, she wants to be a good role model. She also has an extremely loud phone. I should not be able to hear her dial phone numbers. Especially not at 1 or 3 AM.I’ve considered drilling a hole, 5 inches in diameter, in the floor to get a better look at what’s going on below, but then I thought, “No, that’s just wrong. My landlord would totally take that out of my security deposit and I just can’t afford that.” Plan B is just to ignore it. Plan C involves me dressing up like a gorilla and pretending to deliver a singing telegram at 2:25 AM. Plan D is probably the trickiest because I would have to find a way to put the entire apartment building up on jacks so I could crawl underneath and install several surveillance cameras. Plan E was just horrible from the get-go. There’s no way I’m going to fake my own death and leave as my dying wish that I want to be buried in the downstairs neighbor’s bathroom. The logistics of that one are simply horrific. Plan F doesn’t have any legs either, there’s simply no way I’m going to be able to get hold of enough anti-matter to freeze time for that long. I haven’t made any final decisions yet; those always come from my sacred chimney with a puff of smoke. (An idea the Catholics totally ripped off from me for deciding on new popes.) I like Plan D, I’m always up for a good challenge, but in the end, I’ll probably just go with Plan B because I’m predictable and boring.